shokist

it's the word in army-hebrew for someone who's completely overwhelmed and has no clue what's potting. that's me right now: the kid put into a word what i've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. mostly. [sorry, i shouldn't have.]

i slept beautifully this morning - that means that a part of me died while getting out of my warm, cozy bed and allowing myself to be flung head-first into the icy water that was my day. and it wasn't the kind of experience that woke me up, it just made me want to curl up into a ball and go back to dreaming of a better life.

if my writing seems this depressing to me, then i'm guessing i should apologize to whoever else is reading this :S

i can't really remember most details from the day, but that's mostly because i don't want to. mostly things work-wise were trying. mostly. [god, i have to stop that!]

i'm definitely smoking too much. and i'm too lazy demotivated to slow down. it looks like there might be a problem with my holiday, and my SC and my branch commander aren't going to be around for my last week - bringing the dates forward kinda screws my plans up - it's too short-notice to reserve indoor space for my farewell ceremony, so that means relying on it not raining on the day.

the problem is that there are so many people on my base that i actually like, and i really don't want to leave as if i'm sneaking out the back door, which is what it will feel like without the ceremony. and besides, i bought really flash gifts and have been working on a speech; i can't not do this in style!

why do i have to be such a #$@!ing perfectionist?!?! 'cause it makes me who i am. i know that. but it's irksome sometimes, alright?

great, i just had a flashback from the meeting we had today - veeeeery similar to the popsicle one, only without the stick and with many more people, some of whom were visibly annoyed with my wobbly behaviour. i don't sleep enough to suffer through meetings which aren't of interest to me (nor my presence to them) and involve too much hebrew that i don't care to follow.

work this evening should have been alright, and was interesting and entertaining aside from the point where our manager walked in to tell me that nql will be coming with me tomorrow for the meeting in herzeliya.

ffs - the only thing i can see him contributing to is a bad rep for our company. i'm extremely unimpressed. AND i was hoping to find a way to organize my time so that i can see my cousins, and if he's there it's going to be tricky as hell.

spot made dinner that came out well, and i've just spoken to my mum, and now i'm going to shower and crash. my head aches and i'm now wondering if i can dream myself out of depression...