blood, tears, and insanity all around

i don't know where to start. but i do know that i wish today hadn't happened. although some things were good in a twisted context. some of it's a bit mixed up in my head, so the order of the incidents is not necessarily correct.

i got to bed around 4 / 4.30, and spent 6.30 till 7 trying to get up. i missed the first bus by inches (okay, i'm exaggerating - i did see it go by though), and the second bus was so packed that we physically couldn't get on. by the time the third bus got to the base, i was half an hour late, and we already had worrying problems to deal with.

when i say "we", i mean "i", as the scout was on alert and the dog... well, you'll see.

so i kind of deal with the problems, then go for breakfast. i witness the guy responsible for guard shifts (sod) screaming at the other south african, and i was agitated to learn afterwards that they were being shouted at for not cleaning the barracks - when that's the job of the "janitor" soldiers.

i had a tuna salad for breakfast. this is only important because while stirring it up, the lid popped open, and i got it all over myself and the scout. that sucked. fortunately the fishy smell didn't last the whole day.

the other south african and i exchanged amusing sa stories, and then i returned to my office.

i passed through the prefab next to ours to say hi. i was greeted with the horror of j-girl (the really sexy one), then her team-mates, then another bunch of girls, all in tears. crying too hard to tell me what happened. something inside me died when i saw that. one of the girls asked me to come back later, so i returned to my office, fighting back my own tears from seeing the devastated looks on their faces.

i did some work. i made an appointment for the orthopaedist - tomorrow morning 8.15am. i'm really, really nervous about it. i really want to be released.

then i went somewhere else, i think. the dog called me around 10am, to tell me he was just leaving his kibbutz in the north. that upset me no end. that's not only the _nth time he's late, but i was supposed to sort out a bunch of things (mostly bills), and due to his
(re)tard(i/ed)ness,
i couldn't leave the base.

then i returned and ran into one of j-girls team-mates.

she told me the following: she's having money troubles, so she applied for a work permit. the head of their branch called her in, and told her that something didn't feel right about her application - they don't know what. instead of inquiring, they denied the permission, and are punishing her by stripping her of her office (she's a welfare officer). not only is she passionate about her job, but that also means a decrease in her salary. her commanders don't care, and the guy who informed her of all this said and did spiteful things on top of the punishment when she tried to defend herself.

i gave her some advice about dealing with all this, but the reality is is that nothing will really help. in theory there are mechanisms in place to protect soldiers from this kind of thing, but in reality we really are at their mercy.

i went with her to her office, and sat with her and j-girl while they explained what had the whole group crying. i can't even begin to describe the events - the incident(s) (they're all related) are in and of themselves rediculous and complicated - but i sat there gobsmacked. i thought i had unpleasant army stories. and i've heard enough horrifying stories from all my friends who've completed their service that i didn't think anything could phase me. these girls' commanders have been unbelievably sadistic - i'd venture so far (and as a jew, this is really something) to call them nazis. the kind that performed medical and social "experiments".

i've had the earlier scene of devastation playing through my head the entire day. clearly. i saw a group of girls this morning break.

j-girl and i went for a walk. she had to speak to the sod, and we had to wait for him to arrive. which resulted in us having a really intense conversation - one of those life, the universe and everything ones. i'm trying to convince her to leave her boyfriend - she got back together with him after he cheated on her, and now he's messing around again... that conversation progressed to some very heavy stuff. it was quite intimate, and i told her when we parted that i'll be waiting when she finally gets shot of her need for him.

i hope i can keep that promise - also meaning i hope she loses him soon - i am completely taken with her. i joined the mongoose, firefighter and freshmeat for lunch, but i couldn't eat anything. fortunately the conversation took my mind off most things (aside from j-girl), and we had a mostly good laugh.

my mood returned the second we left the table. i returned to my office, or our welfare officers, or the other way around. i eventually ended up in the office, either way, working.

at some point our secretary, a *bit* of an idiot, came by to say she was on her way to a week of guard duty. sucks for her, but hey. then she drops a bomb on me - she's going off guard with an uzi - she's never learned how to use one. never been to the firing range with one. and now she's off to a place where if there's a problem, she's not even strong enough to use the gun itself. and i promise, without being taught, i had no clue - it's ass backwards from the m16.

she informs me that OUR sod (as opposed to the other one, who's responsible for the entire base) signed her out knowing her situation. so, of course, as any RATIONAL person (i'm not sure if i qualify today), i saw a problem with this.

at 1.45, the dog burst in. after screwing me over on an already bad day, he had the audacity to waltz in and say "don't ask. don't say anything." this took me dangerously close to the edge. just then the scout called to say he was being screwed over in his guard duty. good timing - i stalked out and to the "war room". nobody to be found. i hung around and stewed, talking to the other south african (he was also guarding), and discussing my situation. including, not least of things, the way my section commander has been behaving. half an hour later someone arrived to clear the guards to change.

fucking wankers.

so i waited and continued talking until the scout showed up, by which stage i was simmering. we sat down and talked for a bit, and then i returned to my office, not looking forward to dealing with the dog. just walking into the room took me onto the edge itself. i was feeling murderous. the dog opened his mouth, i warned him, and slowly and carefully sat down.

he didn't get the hint.
i don't even remember what he said.

all i know is that the entire day flashed before my eyes, and i slowly walked over to our metal door, opened it until the wall, and checked that there wasn't anything behind it, and with spots dancing in front of my eyes began punching it.

i must admit, that in retrospect the speed and force with which i hit that door frightens me. four times, in quick succession, each time just as hard - and the only reason i stopped was because i somehow realized that i was bleeding. that feeling in my head has been hard to shake since. and my hand is black and blue, where it's not still dribbling blood (only a few hours later). thank god i had wet wipes on hand.

i'm VERY glad that i didn't hit a person with those. the dog got the message.

our section commander rocked up, and i caught up with him and dressed him down with a list of complaints. i'm surprised at how lucid i was.

firstly i spoke about our secretary. he gave me an insight into the workings of his mind that made me struggle to keep my fists out of his face. the man is completely incompetent, and he makes no bones about it. he said to me, straight out and to the point, that's he's not commander material, and that he doesn't want to get involved.

oh - my - god. and the man bears the rank of major. i don't want to know how he passed the psych profile for the officer's course, because all it tells me is that the profiles are more flawed than we suspected. and implies several things about my team-leader, who failed said profile...

he explained to me how it's possible that our sod did something illegal, but he doesn't want to call attention to it because if the guy gets kicked out of his position, we may get someone even worse.

he explained to me that the chances of her actually needing to use her weapon are small.

he explained to me that the process of filing a formal complaint, and seeing it through, and painful and time-consuming, and may cause his credibility harm.

and he explained to me that he doesn't want to get involved. because it's not his thing.

i finally managed to get him to call our sod, who told him that he has no idea what he's talking about. he then called our secretary, who also said she didn't know what he was talking about.

now, ladies and gentleman of the jury, you tell me what happened. or didn't happen. if both of them lied to him, he's happy. if our secretary lied to me, i'm happy. but if so, then i'm fucking angry that she put *MY* credibility on the line for nothing. either way she lied, either way that's the last time i put up with her stupidity.

our commander's reaction to the "news" aggravated me. i won't go into detail, but he tried to make me feel like an idiot, and i'm not taking that from someone like him.

i then told him, without too much detail (not only complicated, but none of his business), what i saw this morning. he told me that girls are crybabies, and that i shouldn't take any notice. and that if what i heard is correct, then that's the way it is and that there's nothing anyone can do about it.

i told him how frustrated i've become with my personal situation, specifically regarding the unfair treatment i've received from my team-leader - and specifically the lack of assistance from HIS commander. he repeated again how being a commander is not his "thing", but that he'll be "nice", and temporarily give me permission to fill my hours when i like until my team leader gets back. that's a start, but i'm not exactly falling all over myself to thank him for making such an exceptionally difficult decision.

and i told him about the dog being late. and that his treatment of the dog's tardiness (yeah, i wanted to use those parentheses again) wasn't helping the dog learn the basic skills that the rest of us somehow managed to grasp. he agreed to have him court-martialled, but whether he'll actually go through with it or not remains a mystery.

and i have to say it - it KILLED me to rat on the dog like that. it really did. it made me so angry with the dog for putting me in that position in the first place. and the only reason i'm doing it is because i honestly feel that unless somebody does something drastic, he's not going to learn. and i promised his mother that i'd deal with these "problems" of his.

the dog and i went through to our welfare officer, who gasped when she saw the state of my hand. the last time i saw her i had blood pouring out of my lip, so she's seeing a pattern... i was in a hurry to get to the clinic for a referral for tomorrow, so we decided to postpone our meeting until tomorrow sometime. the dog stayed behind, i made my way to the clinic.

fortunately there was a long queue, so i had time to jump back to my office to get the papers i'd forgotten. i waited a long time, and i was going crazy with all the shit that's been floating around my head. a few minutes before i got to see the doctor, j-girl walked in. part of the story that she was crying about this morning is that she was sent off to that week of guarding, and she was really sick. she managed to get off on temporary medical, which she had to renew today. it didn't get renewed, so they kept her on base to guard tonight. and she's still suffering. we talked for a bit, then i saw the doctor - the minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly (i had a meeting to get to after the army), but i walked out with the referral and time to spare.

then she went in. i decided to wait for her, and had more time to mull. and laugh sardonically at the world in general (as seen from a soldier's point of view), and growl. and send my mother an sms, in which i said, for the first time in my life (seriously, i mean): "i need my mommy". i really just need to talk in her direction. it's amazing what the army can do to a person.

she said she'll call me later. i can deal with that.

so j-girl eventually came out, with a hospital referral. but no medical exemption. and she has to arrange an appintment in the morning, which could take two weeks or so to get to. filthy, is the only word that comes to mind. goddamn FILTHY. and she went to see the "nice" doctor.

after saying goodbye, i walked off with her tears stinging my cheek. that's not the first time today that i had a girl's tears on my cheek, but it was the most painful. but we both needed the hug.

i got my stuff, for tomorrow as well, and took the bus home. my med-supply contact was waiting for me, and we went upstairs and i showed him what i've done so far. he's happy with it - i've now got to send him the screenshots and begin the coding. there are plenty of changes to be made, but he's happy that i got the right idea.
drawing on my applied project experience, i've told him to take my screenshots and scribble and chop and change it until it's comfortable for them, and also to send me the physical forms that the workers there use.
i should have thought of that before.
we'll meet in a couple of weeks to produce the test data.

i was walking up the stairs after saying goodbye, when it suddenly hit me that i never thought to give j-girl my number in case she needs anything during the night. i could kick myself. i actually feel like an idiot. she doesn't have any painkillers or anything, and i would honestly be happy to blade them through to her. i suck with my thoughtlessness sometimes.

my boss called, he wants to dog to do a php project for him. considering that he still hasn't finished the work for the mongoose, i was loathe to pass on his number. still angry with him, i called him up and told him that up until now, only his responsibility, and not his trustworthiness, has been questionable. i was actually particularly unkind in how i said that to him. i made him promise me that if he accepts this job, that it will be done properly and on time - and i told him that if not, i will never again trust him, nevermind do him any favours. he had BETTER not fuck this up, because as painful as today was for me, he's still a good friend and i don't want to lose that.

today i draw the line.

during the weekend i completely forgot to do something for the hospital project, so i'm about to get to that (i had to write this all down first, and that took two hours), and then i'm just going to zone out until my mother calls.

and tomorrow i have to be early for the orthopaedist.