inflection point

so i tried to get back to bed around noon as i'd been woken early, and instead of passing out i lay there with my eyes closed feeling miserable. i thought and i dwelled and then suddenly understood what's happened...

i've been working for this company for half a year. at the beginning it was tough because it was too lax and we were working with C-players, now it's tough because megaman and darn have brought in a slavedriver culture and behave as if they're A-player only even though they're only B-players. so from one imbalance to the other, only this side of the scales is unfriendly and stressful.

it's not just that it's demoralizing and demotivating, i just realized that i'm properly depressed. the only thing that really gets me going is training, and i think i can explain my addiction to training as it being the only form of endorphin release i get. not that it wouldn't be exciting and awesome in any event, it's just that work occupies the rest of my neural activity and it's exactly the opposite of satisfying.

as i said to my mum after the revelation, this year is a sacrifice and a means to an end. also, i was willing to take any job in order to get here and just because i was enjoying this one doesn't mean that i shouldn't slog through after it becomes undesirable. i have half a year to go and i need to put learning french at the top of my priority list: if i can't get permanent residence then this will all have been for naught.

so i don't like darn and darn doesn't like me. i don't have faith in what he and megaman are doing, i don't like their management style, i don't like the office politic that's been developing. but i need to make this work, and if that means putting on a happy face and playing possum then that's what i'll have to do. as much as it pains me to say this, i'm going to start picking my battles and try to make things as bearable as i can.

---on a completely different note, godmother prepared a great dinner last night and we all ate it under the stars while enjoying perfect weather to close a perfect day. it really was great, even my uncle was surprisingly pleasant.

i went straight from there to see the world's end, and i thoroughly enjoyed myself. what a clever, funny movie! a great finish to the cornetto series. i caught the last metro home and read until i passed out.

...

i was woken up early by a phone call from the real estate agent with good news; i'd spend the next hour sending emails and trying to get my thoughts straight. as i sat down at the computer i received a request from a fellow student who's been tasked with taking over my webmaster responsibilities - i was so excited that they finally found someone i had to sort that out first :P

community season 4 is on netflix, so i've now watched a couple of episodes - they're on form again :)

---i've spent a ridiculous amount of time with the online dating sites. i've gotten more comfortable sending messages, at least.