where gender wars end frisbeer begins part iii

[... continued]

---yesterday:

yesterday was all about ticking off checkboxes. it began with hearing seether's karma and effect, which, quite frankly, sucks. the music does nothing for me and the lyrics were disappointing to say the least. i listened to that while handling the immense mounds of dishes that had been steadily piling up - yesterday was the day that we decided that it's high time we actually move in together.

a good sign from work! my future boss sent me a list of technologies and frameworks that i need to familiarize myself with :)

we bought a couple of things i thought we needed and stopped for ice cream across from atwater market, taking the opportunity to evangelize the use of soya instead of dairy; the texture really is better! gd gave me a haircut, i dismantled a vacuum cleaner in order to remove a large rag, we hit walmart for a couple of things that saw us both exhausted and continually dropping whatever we were carrying, we slowly, slowly walked on sore legs towards an unhelpful cup of coffee on our way to the further supermarket to pick up daiya cheeses and spaghetti squash where a particularly kind cashier organized a discount on a box full of clif builder bars that had successfully held us up at the self-service counter effectively rendering it a not-self-service counter, then made the long mission home with gd becoming grumpy as we'd totally blown her two rest days by not actually resting.

in spite of her being tired, impatient and clumsy with exhaustion she made two dishes simultaneously while i did further damage to the contents of the sink, hers clam-based and mine tofu-and-bok-choy-based. mine was absolutely exquisite! we complemented that with more ice-cream and a couple of episodes of community and then went to bed.

---today:

i finally finished the dishes and resumed (and finished) the sandman comic. i paid my rent and got info on subletting my apartment, ran laundry and enjoyed a bloody good nap. i woke up, enjoyed *two* perfectly ripe kiwis* and finally got around to posting. my primary disturbances were lunch, watching birth of the living dead and myq kaplan: small, dork and handsome.

* my definition of a heavenly food

the former is excellent, and i found it so utterly validating to my proposed thesis! the latter didn't get a lot of laughs, but his humour is incredibly sophisticated and i thoroughly enjoyed most of it.

---uncharted play's products, soccket and pulse, are inspirational. i'm thinking of purchasing a pulse myself.

my gods: my unread mail counter is back up to 800, i keep accumulating you-have-to-read-these links i send to myself. maybe i should find another place to store them :S

where gender wars end frisbeer begins part ii

[... continued]

gd took me to midi 6 for breakfast, and i showed her how to use a swype keyboard. speaking of which... i've been considering how apple's playing political and thinking of switching to android. it would be easier if there weren't so many good reasons not to do so.

camino espresso is insanely, decadently delicious. seriously, i couldn't control myself.

after an indescribably good siesta, gd and i rushed off for more frisbeer (and watermelon, and perfectly ripe mangoes) with vfmp's brother and his girlfriend. after another beautiful afternoon, only darkened by my being hit in the thumb with another group's stray frisbee that continued to hurt for hours afterwards, we headed to godmother's for a wonderful dinner.

everything was pleasant except for a really stupid statement on uncle hate's part that i - even more stupidly - automatically responded to with a statement of fact. he simply repeated his initial dumb statement, godmother and i simultaneously repeated my statement, and this remained circular until i got a kick in the shin under the table from gd which stopped me just as uncle hate was finishing with "i don't even care" and i was repeating "and neither do i".

*facepalm*

then yang arrived and talked shit to us for a while. gd pointed out that i'm constantly poking him. i explained that that's because i can't deal with the dumb.

we stopped at my place for me to shower and pick up some stuff, then returned to hers. we ate way too much ice cream because so delicious' creamy vanilla is practically impossible to put down, while watching dear mr. watterson. it's not such a good documentary but if you're a fan of the comic - like everyone is, apparently - it certainly does bring some added value. it made me want to buy a collection, as opposed to reading it relatively daily from a feed that makes it feel like the series is still going and messes with my head every time i read something i'm sure i've seen before.

...

oh, rls. not so bad, but certainly annoying.

[continued...]

where gender wars end frisbeer begins part i

last thoughts on the shooting:

our sexual assault problem is nuanced, layered, and not easily solved by a hashtag and this is what most kids learn and the news coverage isn't helping.

---friday:

terms and conditions may apply contains a lot of material i was familiar with already, but some of the things i didn't know were deeply disturbing. anyone who uses internet services or has a smartphone should watch this documentary.

boxing: i felt like a machine during the warmup and shadowboxing. i was thrown another new guy and introduced as our coach's "most experienced boxer" without any sarcasm or joking, and was then partnered with an experienced mma guy for pad work which was a relief. after we finished the class with impact, i informed the coach of my neck news and for the first time he took my health seriously. he told me that i need to stop impact as well, and that from now on i need to stick to pads or bags and that's it.

...

one of the boxers is studying his doctorate at concordia, and he told me about a 70k grant they have. that's... that's pretty good incentive to take a year off to complete my thesis. i should listen to my mother and go speak to them sometime, even if i'm not going to be able to go back to university for another half a year to a year at least.

i hurriedly made and ate a salad, finishing just before vfmp and his boyfriend picked me up to go to chimera. chimera was closing, but they gave us a loyalty card with a free drink on it and now we know when to go back :)
we milled around a bit, eventually arriving at kokkino cafe. not only do they have soy and almond alternatives, they're puzzled by the fact that anyone charges extra for them. the owner was really nice and the coffee was excellent, the atmosphere in general is great and the music was excellent. how did i never walk in there before?!

the guys dropped me off at gd's at the end of the night, just in time for both of us to fall into bed, exhausted.

---saturday:

it was a gorgeous 13 degrees! the weather felt perfect for being outside, and it'd only get warmer. i came home, continued fighting with the internet about #YesAllWomen and eventually gave up. i can't keep fighting with people whose interests i care about for the right to fight for them. it's the same with israeli activists, vegans and feminists. and i was reminded of something i say a lot: i don't want to be a part of any club that won't accept me as i am.

that goes for politics as well as nightclubs, i guess.

right after deciding to quit the argument, bnw got in touch and explained that the reason she hadn't been in touch for a while was trouble at work with sexual harassment. fortunately it's all resolved, but the story itself really upset me and at the same time as i said to her "you should have reported him!" i realized that in her position she really couldn't know if that was the right thing to do or not :(

...

so... "the tam-tams" has become the name of the place the event occurs, and not just the event itself? that was confusing. on my way there i stopped at a coffee shop and asked the guy behind the counter if they had soy or almond milk. he gave me a funny look and explained that he didn't understand me, so i tried again, slowly pronouncing the two words and worrying that the way i say almonds doesn't translate in french (it totally does). he called for help and the other guy understood perfectly. while he was preparing my coffee i looked to the right, where a giant sign proclaimed, in french, soy and almond milk available.

i don't know which of us is dumber.

the problem with walking with a covered drink is that you don't see how it's sloshing, and so over the course of the next fifteen minutes i must have spilled about a third of my coffee on myself, with a nice big splash on my shorts and some ugly drops on my shirt. that only fueled my cursing at each bus that i missed, two of them only because they ran red lights. aarrrrgh!

no matter, the afternoon frisbeer and soccer was absolutely brilliant! we all had a great time, and after a couple of hours i left to go to bnw's with a big grin on my face ^_^

i picked up a quick falafel from la panthère verte while pondering my disengagement from the rape culture / sexism discussion.

my metro timing was excellent, and bnw offered me amazing coffee while we discussed the details of her horrible ordeal and then talked a bit about the comics. then i left, hurrying to gd's so we could go and watch a movie.

it's not clear why they evacuated the de la concorde metro station, but it seemed pretty serious as they had running police, paramedics and firemen and the whole area was shut down for about an hour. during that time it became clear to me just how impossible relying on laval's public transport is... if i *had* taken a bus, i would have arrived at gd's about an hour after i eventually did. that's insane.

bnw had loaned me her copy of the sandman: the dream hunters and i read half of it on the way. what a gorgeous work! i arrived in time for us to scramble to the cinema and be able to seat ourselves just as x-men: days of future past began. it's as wonderful as all the reviews say, we had an awesome time and the only thing that i felt detracted from the film was so slight that it really didn't matter.

---sunday:

i'm glad to see that bikers are protecting maya angelou's funeral. i woke up thinking that everyone should picket wbc funerals, with signs saying things like "god hates people who hate in his name". the only thing i have to add on the topic of maya angelou is this article on her pride in her history. it gives some of her poetry even more of an edge than it has already.

[continued...]

rape culture: almost clear

a gentleman's guide to rape culture is another tough-to-read that's extremely poignant.

most of the article is correct, sadly for all of us. but there's one illogical statement that brings a black mark:
"how are you part of rape culture? well, i hate to say it, but it’s because you’re a man."

that's not true. in the sense that he's using, women in our culture are just as much a part of rape culture. the problem arises when he confuses the word "culture" by meaning both the culture and the social environment that that culture produces.

however, the fact that it's not true doesn't mean that he's not right to say that all men have a responsibility to do something about rape culture. 100%.

he later goes on to define all the things that create and perpetuate rape culture. male or female, if any of those items on the list apply to you then you're a part of rape culture. if you're not a part of the solution, then you're a part of rape culture.

so well done to the author of the article for everything except that one line.

---oh, look! a clear, complete message that doesn't make it a gender war thing.

it's a cultural problem, not a gender problem. and that means that men can be a part of the solution.

tiredline

i dragged my tired self to gd's last night, and from there we went to p.m. for yet another delicious meal. i was stuffed afterwards, but agreed to walk to yeh! and see how i felt... the walk did give me space for dessert :)
gd decided she wanted to walk all the way home, and i acquiesced even though i really didn't feel up to it. it was a pleasant walk, actually, but while i was fine for its duration i was unbelievably worn out by the time we got home.

i did very little from that point on, staying up just late enough to call my mother for her birthday (voicemail :P) and fall asleep doing some stretches the gd has for our necks.

...

i had some ugly nightmares last night. the one i remember involved gd becoming jealous when i facebook-friended the first girl i kissed, and us rushing through catacombs follows by someone scary. as soon as i confronted him we realized his innocence and he was attacked by the real threat.

...

i was stupidly slow this morning, and returned home, lay on the couch and watched eddie murphy delirious. i was offended, but not enough to turn it off. it was neither funny nor clever, though his impersonations were amazing. still needing to rest, i watching anger management again. that's a fun, cute movie.

i've spent my day since then feeling offline. i don't know what i want to do, i can't bring myself to focus, i've had serious munchies and i haven't felt like going out to the shops in spite of the fact that i'm pretty much out of food.

---i've been meaning to link to bill gates' 2014 report. he debunks three myths about aiding poorer countries.

#YesAllWomen #NotAllMen #GenderWarsSuck

it all began with this disturbing article on earning love. it makes for extremely uncomfortable reading, but it's on the mark.

i wish i didn't know so many guys who don't get this.

i added, though, that i don't agree that it makes me suck for being a guy. that i agree with about 75% of the conclusion.

one other thing though i think is worth adding, is that guys also need to stop saying "not all guys rape", getting into a defensive corner and doing nothing further about it. we know all guys don't rape but it shouldn't only be up to women to speak out about this kind of thing. more men should be doing it too, like in this article - more guys need to stand up for women instead of just getting defensive and walking away.

i agree, and i also feel that more women need to stop defensively hating on guys for being guys as a default. there's little more offensive to me than being judged for my sex when it's such an integral part of what feminism is fighting.

both sides getting defensive doesn't help stop the problem. we need the good guys to speak out here too though, in our favour, despite some women's anger at them. that might help women feel less angry at all men, and narrow the problem to the culprits.

...

best answer i've heard to the "not all guys rape" cries is this: imagine you have a bag of m&ms, and you know 10% of them are poisonous. not all m&ms are poisonous, certainly. that doesn't mean you'd be wrong to say m&ms are dangerous.

yes, this is a good read. people need to own up to their shit, and stop perpetrating rape culture. i'm very purposefully saying people and not men, because there are plenty of women doing it as well. the two sides on this matter aren't and shouldn't be men and women. the two sides should be those who want equality and safety for all, and those who don't, of whatever sex, gender, race, etc.
i am NOT fighting against men. i am fighting against those who say i'm less then a man, whether they have a penis or not is irrelevant.

[having not read the above properly, i confused it with another version i'd read earlier and would later retract] the m&ms example! is totally fallacious. if you're equating men to m&ms, and you're eating handfuls at the same time without actually examining them first, then you're being irresponsible. i'd say the same to men about women.

i'd go with this statement if you want a valid argument.

and to go back to "not all men", this past few days have seemed to be dedicated to hating ALL men. while i'm totally on board with fighting rape culture and it upsets me no end that woman have such legitimate cause to be afraid, the number of incidents in which *i've* been labelled as part of the problem EVEN IN OTHER, UNRELATED DISCUSSIONS is deeply disturbing. what also bothers me is how many women are preaching to the choir, because the saddest part of this being an inculturated problem is that the men who perpetrate these acts are either oblivious to the fact that they're doing it or are impervious to convincing arguments.

yes, there's a problem. no, not all men are a part of it. yes, this needs to be talked about, argued about, fought about. no, it doesn't need to be fought with illogical inflammatory arguments. how about, instead of antagonizing all men and making us defensive, we figure out a way to break down the gender barrier?

every time i see the "men are raped and abused too" statistics cited i think how ridiculous it is that this is being treated as "men vs women" instead of "people need to respect other people". "no" to rape, "no" to harassment, "no" to violence, "no" to inequality.

"no" to gender wars.

---protoplasm: rule #1 - don't be a dick. it is the only rule. it's pretty simple really, yet there are so many that just don't get it.

if someone wants you in their space, they'll invite you. and no matter who you are, what you look like, or how weird you or your tastes may be, there will always be someone that will appreciate that for what it is. and that, i think, is the bit that a lot of the types that the article talks about don't get.

forcing yourself on someone on the basis of what they look like or what you perceive from a distance without even bothering to find out what they're about is only ever going to end badly for both parties, so why put everyone through all the shit just because you can't be arsed to follow (or learn) a few simple rules of engagement?

slam poetry geekiness

i had the following revelation yesterday:

slam poetry is like wizard's spells in dungeons and dragons. you write them down in your spellbook, memorize them, and then you'll still want to prepare them before use. and you'll need to prepare a couple of counter-spells as well, just in case.

cantrips are jokes.

signing, writing, seeing

tuesday:

i ran out to print, sign and scan a form to get the ball rolling... finally! after two weeks of silence. today i signed another couple of forms and if i'm not mistaken the lawyers are going to be taking it from here. so that's very cool. in the meanwhile i'm going to put as much of my expenses on my credit card instead of my debit card, because my bank account is getting down to the wire and i should, theoretically, have received my first paycheck in time to not be in trouble...

i sat down at starbucks with my coffee, opened my kindle and grimaced at the low battery warning it flashed me. fortunately, it held until i was done.

when i came home i drafted a poem in response to high school shootings, which is looking pretty good so far, had that fight i posted about and went off to the gym.

so i guess i'm no longer really doing mma as such... just boxing, kickboxing and muay-thai. and yoga. i need to do yoga. the kickboxing class was pretty good, though i saw stars for a lot of it and scored myself nasty bump on my knee. at least i have someone to buy my head protector now that i'm no longer sparring.

i prepped a salad and took it to gd, where we had the talk i posted. we watched an episode or two of community before going to bed; i'd forgotten just how insanely brilliant the first season is! it's definitely worth re-watching.

---yesterday:

it was early when gd's alarm went off, it was cold outside, and raining, and cars were driving past the bedroom window. i can't tell you how wonderfully cosy i was under the blankets and how little i wanted to get out of bed :(
it didn't help that my butt was hurting again.

it's still hurting.

i wanted something i could turn my brain off to, and steve byrne: champion was almost it. only it was so offensively stupid and ugly that i couldn't make it through twenty minutes. i might have smiled a couple of times, that was about as funny as he got. i chased that with tekken, and got my ass kicked for a while before i had to leave to meet rabbit.

i headed to l'artère, and spent the next hour or two talking, criticizing or organizing. we finally figured out the logistics of the slam we're going to run and arranged the resources we need to get the job done properly :)

we visited a friend of rabbit's for a spell, then went to a vocal workshop she'd invited me to. the workshop was interesting and fun, i learned a lot and i was very glad for monday's singing lesson because it seriously helped :)

i stopped at harvey's for a burger on my way to gd's, and arrived in time to catch an interesting film, la marque des anges - miserere. i've heard the name gérard depardieu, but this is the first time i've actually paid attention to him as an actor. i can see why he's a thing.

i suffered a bit from rls for a short while, but it fortunately didn't last too long and i got to bed at a reasonable hour.

---today:

we had a nice, slow morning. i had an argument about #YesAllWomen which i'll discuss in its own post. gd was upset because she's trying to contact bureaucrats who don't answer their phones... i explained to her that this is not a local problem, but an international one :S

i was exhausted and we napped a bit, that bit not being nearly long enough. we ended up running late, one of the reasons being that i needed a quick trim before dressing nicely to sign the papers. it *is* nice having one's own stylist!

i dressed nicely, and it was so warm that i returned sweaty after about ten minutes in total. i can't wait to get there, figure out the dress code and buy summer-comfortable clothes. the code they described was remarkably unclear.

i started watching growing op and stopped after about fifteen minutes of "meh", then watched two episodes of chobits. chobits is cute, but weird. i don't know how i feel about it but i might watch a few more until i see where it's heading.

---google's prototype car? good job, google. good job!

if you don't want to waste time and money on business / management literature, read this instead.

on vulnerability

after my last post i was quite upset, and i was taken right back into the dark space i'd been in the previous night when arguing with gd about rape, consent and gender. i remained upset until i arrived at her place and managed to get my thoughts and feelings across, which was really difficult. i only found the right words to express myself minutes before arriving and talking about one's vulnerabilities and dark places is not easy, it doesn't matter how caring and supportive the person you're talking to is.

the cause for my distress was being told that i don't get to discuss "consent" because i cannot empathize with women who're living in rape culture* as a man in a man's world who hasn't been subjected to sexual abuse. at first i was angry because while i agree that i cannot identify with victims of sexual abuse, that doesn't mean that i cannot empathize with them**. then, while on my way to gd's, it suddenly struck me that i *do* know all about consent and violation first-hand.

i've barely talked about my experiences with the men in suits (and i've hardly started labelling all the polygraph posts) but i'm going to take a moment to share the two most significant parts of the experience.

firstly, i was forced to "consent" to the interrogation and to be subjected to the polygraph examinations. sure, i could have withheld consent, but not consenting was tantamount to declaring myself a criminal and a traitor and the possible consequences included lengthy jail-time and being dishonourably discharged, which would basically have destroyed any possibility of me continuing on my career / life path. in other words, i would have been sacrificing all of my dreams if i hadn't submitted.

secondly, the violation of the interrogation wherein they demanded deeply private and personal details that i didn't want to share followed by being hooked up to a machine to confirm whether i'd been honest and forthcoming is nothing short of mental rape. full penetration, complete helplessness and having to live with the trauma afterwards. it's an experience that, no matter how much sense i manage to make of it, i have no place for in my narrative. this is something that happens to other people, not me.

just talking about it face-to-face yesterday, even with someone i trust so intimately, made my chest constrict until i couldn't breathe.
so here i am, reliving the interminable sequence of dark, ugly moments that i will never be able to forget and cannot satisfactorily fit into language, in an attempt to justify my opinions and understanding of gender inequality and how fucked up our world is.

---i'm not going to share my opinions right now, that's not what this is about.

* a problematic expression. it's valid, but it's more nuanced and complex than its surface value and causes misunderstandings even before a discussion can be had. if you want to talk about rape culture with anyone, you have to sit down and establish all the terms before you begin. victims, normative men (participants and non-participants), normative women (not including explicit victims), feminists (male and female), and academics all think, speak and understand these things very differently.

**i feel strongly that there's a difference between those two concepts, i might be abusing the language though. if you don't get my meaning, leave a comment and i'll try to explain differently.

it's got personal written all over it

i'm seriously riled right now. i made a comment on a friend's status that was complimentary, and some girl said she didn't know if it was just her, but that my phrasing at the beginning sounded creepy.

"if i had your mouth i'd prepare a subtly scathing speech for just such an occasion when you need to get a stranger out of your space"

i told her i was sure it was just her. the only possible misinterpretations i could think of were childishly sexual, or silence-of-the-lambs-esque. so i posted a link to it rubs the lotion on its skin, which everyone *i* know found amusing... including said friend.

but angry girl got mad, and told me there was no need for that sort of insinuation, so i said "i guess we don't share a sense of humour, then. oh, well."

then she called me a douche. i told her she was overly sensitive and aggressive, and tried to leave the conversation but someone else chimed in in her defense and i found myself being judged a typical, disgusting man. i hate being judged by humorless morons, especially wrongly and even more so in a (relatively) public setting. i also hate being dragged into a fight that i can't get out of without seeming like i have my tail between my legs.

i eventually managed to get *her* to leave the conversation, feeling all proud of herself for "being the bigger man".
i don't need the last word.
but i will defend myself until the end.

what finally brought things to a close:
"you seem very angry, <angry girl>, and you've antagonized me enough that, quite frankly, i don't give a damn about your feelings or what you think. what you don't know or give two shits about is how much your misinterpretation has upset me. so how about we just leave each other alone? can we do that?"

...

and to add to all of that, i've just started shivering because it's 13 degrees and all my windows are open.

godsdammit.

the real terrorists

i've complained before about mass media and sensationalism being responsible for painting an ugly picture of a much more balanced world, but yesterday while i was talking to my mother we talked about the most recent high school shooting and what it means.

nobody ever remembers the victims! for the shooters it's an easy way to achieve the holy grail of modern society: being the news. journalists of all sorts are responsible for glamorizing murder; why is oscar pistorius famous? because of his athletic achievements? is his crime really more meaningful than all the other crimes not reported on the news?

sensationalist journalism is all about covering the bad news, the news that shows the dark side of humanity and that causes people to fear more than they love. the news that inspires people to avoid strangers and behave selfishly.

what is terrorism? what is the function of terrorism?

terrorism is acting in a manner that will induce fear. for example, who's responsible for the fear that americans feel when they travel by air? is it al qaeda, the bastards who attacked america twelve or thirteen years ago? or is it the american government and the press that follows their lead?

this world is full of beauty, of magnificent benevolence and kind-hearted people. it's full of love, and caring strangers. following things like ted and upworthy is a good start to seeing that, and tuning out from things like cnn and bbc is just as important.

yes, there are bad people. yes, one has to be reasonably careful. but "reasonable" does not equate to paranoid. use your judgement, but never stop trusting. because an inability to relax - and trust - is precisely the point at which the terrorists have won. and if you're too scared to leave the house you're never going to make the world outside a better place! it kinda needs your presence for that.

life is a gamble; don't let others place your bets for you.

pinched nervous - part two

[... continued]

we watched a whole bunch of shane koyczan while i ate a grilled not-as-good-and-not-really-vegan cheese which gd bought thinking it was vegan. daiya is it, people. daiya is it.

---yesterday:

i slept well but woke up with weak arms. i hope that's because i'm still recovering from last week's hard training and not due to neural damage. otherwise, i enjoyed a perfect wake-up, which set the tone for a short while before it was destroyed by someone being wrong on the internet.

a friend of gd's had come over to trade a singing lesson for a haircut and she helped me tone down some of my posts a little. the feminine touch is apparently all in using words like "perhaps" and "necessarily" in the right places even when you *know* you're right.

the half-hour singing lesson i stayed for was quite fun! and then i missioned back to the clinic for x-rays. i was told they'd be ready within an hour, so i found an italian place for great pasta and returned to play the waiting game. this time i took a face mask as i sat down, only this time there weren't any coughing kids so i struggled with keeping it on and looking silly versus playing it extra-safe. i passed out for a bit and when i awoke i worried that i'd missed my name, but the receptionists refused to check the list.

a lot of us were frustrated and angry, i don't see why they can't have a queue system like everywhere else so that we can see how many patients are ahead of us. i fretted like that for an hour, feeling like my time was being thoroughly wasted. those are minutes of my life that i could have spent having coffee across the road in a place that has internet access, dammit!

i eventually got in to see the doctor, who went over my results and informed me that i have mild degenerative disease in my neck. fan-tastic. so i guess i should stop doing jiu-jitsu, and sparring - i wasn't really doing much of those anyway, but they seem an especially bad idea now. gd and my mother have both convinced me to see an osteopath and i have a referral to a sport orthopedist.

---i got home, ran laundry, got news from scrapper that my books are selling, and all the while stressed more and more about everything. i was angry, and the causes of the anger were great and small. the employment situation, horseman failing to update me about the workshop we're trying to organize, the new artist not getting back to me, the morning's argument going on until the evening, the miserable weather and having to go shopping in it without an umbrella, and severe clumsiness when i returned all came together all made it very difficult to stop, breathe, and get perspective.

fortunately gd's happy to let me rant and when i'd finally made dinner and taken it to her i spent about fifteen minutes getting it all off my chest. then i felt much better, and then we had an argument about feminism and sexual abuse that upset both of us until we'd sorted out what it was we were trying to say, and then the evening got better though we were both knackered.

---we had an excellent night's sleep and i woke up from an epic dream ending with two giant towers in a desert, one for purification and the other a set of challenges. another group was speaking in a language with lots of "ng" sounds and my partner (i don't recall now who he was) was really slow and useless.

i started the day watching my old dean give a beautiful ted talk about working with juvenile delinquents. it's inspirational!

it's afternoon already, and i've achieved nothing of import. i'm not impressed with today at all, here's hoping it improves dramatically.

pinched nervous - part one

oh, man. nobody i need to speak to today is answering their phones. is a little professionalism too much to ask?

my main issue is with the company i've signed a contract with. over two weeks have passed, and it doesn't feel like things are proceeding. they're not talking to me - and right now my contact's not answering her phone - and if there's a real problem then that means that i've just spent two weeks not looking for other work. my bank account is a ticking time-bomb and this state of not knowing is incredibly stressful.

---saturday:

it took us forever to leave the apartment for p.m., we were both hungry but kept getting distracted. i'd taken my umbrella but it wasn't raining, which i hate. i suspect that i lost it before returning home, because i can't find it anywhere now. i really hate rain :(

p.m. was delightful as usual, and we were both surprised at the size of our appetites! we followed that with yeh! for dessert; their sorbet was brilliant, but i'm not sure it was worth the aggravation caused by the insane crowd inside.

the level of pain in my shoulder and neck had increased considerably over the course of the hours we were out, and i could barely handle the walk home. i went to bed early because i couldn't handle anything else, and woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night in agony.

---sunday:

i was a little better in the morning, but i tried reading and was too sore to be able to absorb china mieville's poetic writing. i took myself off to the clinic to register myself, there was only a three hour wait so i went home to do it there.

on my way i realized that what i was suffering from was a pinched nerve around the area where i have a slipped disc. a #$@%&*% pinched nerve!!! what a pain in the neck.

i took my b12 and d sublingual tablets simultaneously, which feels a bit weird but i can't see why that's not a good idea, and headed back. i stopped for a quick bite at the subway next to the clinic, which must be the dirtiest subway i've ever been in. it's only about a hundred meters from another one, so next time i'll go there instead...

the clinic's waiting room was a zoo, filled with noisy kids and half of them were hacking and wet-coughing without covering their mouths. of course, their parents were ignoring them. except for one, who was singing "old macdonald had a farm" repeatedly in an attempt to calm her infant. at one point i couldn't take it any more and stood outside the entrance where i could barely hear names being called. i hated that woman with every fiber of my being.

gd arrived a few minutes before i was called in, and she had a fit about all the coughing. she found the box of face masks which was hidden away, and we learned that "we can't force sick patients to wear them" translates to "we can't tell people they exist or advise people to use them" in receptionist-speak.

the doctor tested for neurological damage - haven't had that tested in a while - and of course my situation had improved dramatically in the three or four hours since i'd registered so i couldn't really demonstrate why i'd come in the first place. right? excellent :/

i joined gd at the second cup next door, which was disappointingly out of soya. when she'd finished her drink we went back to her place for munchies and a failed attempt at watching horror flicks. gd's really into paranormal stuff, i just wasn't in the mood.

i had a chance for a very short nap and was pulled out of exquisitely deep sleep to go see hilary jane perform at l'alizé. the weather was fine when we left the apartment, but as we arrived at our destination's metro station it became cold and wet. gd wasn't at all dressed for this and we had to take a taxi - fortunately diamond taxi's app works well.

---lina gatineau has a voice with incredible potential, only it's in dire need of some training. singing hallelujah jeff buckley-style is ambitious for anyone, and her performance was cringe-worthy :(

hilary jane and her funky 80's-style dance was a lot of fun, and her fantastic voice was only highlighted by the previous performance.

the wastelanders are amazing.

---it was still a bit wet when we left but considerably warmer, warm enough that gd was willing to go support her friend who was doing burlesque for her birthday. we hit the village, where they've recently closed off the street for the summer, and went inside. the show itself was disappointing - there were only two short bits in total. the first was pretty cool, but her friend who went on second didn't impress, and i suspect that the enthusiastic applause she received was more for it being her birthday.

gd introduced me to a bunch of her friends, some of whom were cool and some of whom were awkward. she was standing next to me and talking to a friend of hers who's transsexual - and a bloody impressive job she's done too - and i rested my hand on gd's back only to find another hand there already.
then i got awkward.
one of her friends started talking to me later when gd had left, and i amused myself greatly when he asked what i do and the first thing off my tongue was "i'm a writer".

huh! how about that?

i mean, i've done a lot more writing in the last half a year than i have programming, that's for sure...

---so after a very queer evening we went home; gd was freezing even though it was 19 degrees, so when we walked out of her metro station i gave her my t-shirt to wear over her mini-jacket. i'd been wearing my "follow me until you die" syndicate shirt and couldn't stop smiling as i followed her home.

...

an ubuntu update messed up the chrome installation on her computer, which is really weird and very frustrating. i gave up after reinstalling chrome but i'll have to figure this out soon or re-install the whole damned thing :(

[continued...]

meta-ideological stress

there's an article a couple of friends re-posted about fundamentalism being treated as mental illness. this really upset me, and i got stuck into the following long, long argument.

---i'm not sure how i feel about treating fundamentalism as a disorder, it's a perfectly rational response to postmodern anxiety. check out in praise of doubt if you're at all interested, it's a fantastic, enlightening read and it's short.

would you say anxieties can cause disorders (over time)?

well, the definition of a "disorder" in psychology swings between "subject is out of the ordinary" and "subject is suffering". the problem with the first definition is that there's no way to establish normative behaviour or feeling, and the problem with the second is that there's no way to verify a psychological disorder externally.

either way, throwing oneself whole-heartedly into an ideology is not a disorder, it's default human behaviour. there's no difference between religious fundamentalism, anti-religious fundamentalism (atheism is a very active and aggressive ideology) or things like nutrition / lifestyle fundamentalism (veganism and yoga).

okay so let's attempt to define it within the context of the post modern world:
a disorder *could be* a psycho-somatic or purely psychological disease that occurs on a chronic basis at varying degrees of severity.
we'll measure it through the person's experience (bad, imbalanced, closed off, intolerant, anti-social - as opposed to good, content, moderately stressed, social, tolerant, empathetic, open with their feelings and ideas).

basically you nailed it. and not just within the postmodern context, it's generic. things like "social" and "tolerant", however, are external measurements. lots of people are happily anti-social and intolerant, and are not suffering, so no disorder there.

i have the desire to re-frame disorder. disorder is misunderstood and often - as you say - one can be happily intolerant without suffering. yes, without "suffering". there are dozens of conditions in which the subject does indeed suffer. for instance, being so determined that red jellybeans are better than all the other colours that it causes panic and anxiety fairly often (like OCD). unless you stop buying jellybeans. or feeling numb (i.e. depression). and no less than that is chronic intolerance. you can say people don't suffer for being intolerant but i'd argue they do. if you can't empathise with another, you can't connect to them, you can't make peace when they're angry with you. you can't argue your point and feel aligned if they happen to disagree. intolerant, grumpy old men aren't living in bliss and the world be damned. they're miserable and they don't how to escape it.

it's impossible to judge another's happiness. introverts need alone-time, extroverts need social time. a racist who doesn't have to interact with other races might be perfectly happy. this line of argument goes nowhere, at the end of the day only you will know if you are suffering. and if you're suffering because society is crazy or ill - then you're insane, even if you're completely right.

personally, i think it might be a good call to count it as a mental disorder if your thinking is causing OTHER people to get hurt or die based on your opinion on what is right with no solid evidence, but i'm no psychologist.

that's your ideology speaking, and even though i totally approve of your sentiment it goes against what *is* (the study of how humans operate) in favour of what "should be" - that very thinking makes perfect sense to you within the framework of your ideology, but it's exactly that kind of thinking that made stalin put to death anyone who threatened the communist system. those people were hurting society because of their opinions. the difference being that what you're suggesting isn't death to those who oppose, merely medication into submission to a pluralist "socially acceptable" state...

sure, i get your point but what about actual chemical imbalances which can cause extreme thinking, paranoia, violence, disproportionate rage etc?

what have those things got to do with fundamentalism?

anyway, sometimes it's very difficult to ascertain hardware versus software problems, which is why so many kids are misdiagnosed with adhd when it's really, really rare.

everything on your list, though? bad parenting and shitty societies cause those things too, sometimes there's a real chemical imbalance (lack of b12 causes depression and psychosis, for example) but mostly it's psychological and needs to be dealt with psychologically. and living in a pill-popping industrialized society makes it very, very hard to see what's what, all doctors and therapists being subject to ideology too.

if i can be so bold as to suggest *another* book - james hillman - re-visioning psychology is a long, difficult read but absolutely enlightening.

the article talks about "mental illness" which is a very, very broad area. do they mean depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders or addictive behaviours? let's narrow it to something a little less broad but still very broad: an emotional behavioural disorder (EBD) or personality disorder - if only because it also covers anxiety and learned behaviour - two things we see a lot of in religious extremist behaviours from all walks of religion.

btw, i don't think we can keep things purely scientific when science has an incomplete understanding of human behaviour and the mind that motivates it. this is part of my problem with your paradigm and why i'm not convinced i'm being ideological.

so let's define an EBD / personality disorder and see if religious fundamentalism stands up to it:

1. the subject experiences consistent anxiety as a result of their religious fundamentalism.
2. the subject feels withdrawal symptoms if they can't act out in a particular way - see the volume of tragic stories about people who try to leave their religious communities or remain in them as agnostics.
3. the subject experiences consistent conflict with broader society, including the legal system, social codes and post-modernist thought - leading to anxiety and violence.
4. was there physical harm to oneself or others as a result of the fundamentalism?
5. do religious fundamentalists persist despite clear evidence of harmful consequences?

that's how the world health organization and the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders classify personality disorders - and oddly enough "substance abuse", recalling karl marx's rather apt "opium of the people" definition of religion.

you would say - as you've said above - that i cannot assume religious fundamentalists experience anxiety and that people can be blissfully intolerant to others.

but what if i can assume it - and even prove it?

psychological research by prof. clavin mercer (chair of religious studies east carolina university and a clinical psychologist) states from two decades of study: "the fundamentalist is driven by anxiety layered over a fragile sense of self-identity constructed upon a system of beliefs that is both logically inconsistent and highly suspect in light of modern science." other psychologists - valerie tarico in DC and dr marlene winnel in san fransisco - and the british association of behavioral and cognitive psychologists went a step further and coined it "religious trauma syndrome", defined by: 1) immersion in a controlling religion and the 2) the impact of leaving a religious group. having observed CONSISTENT and UNRELATED symptoms of religious fundamentalism they correctly defined it as a "social disorder". as a scientist, you can't ignore the consistency and as a sociologist, you can't ignore the social harm. so i've ticked criteria 1, 2 and 5.

fundamentalist christians, jews and muslims believe theirs is the only true view of the world. they are proudly intolerant and refuse to enter into dialogue - rather referring to scripture, avoiding critical thought. their extremity which puts them at odds with the broader community, and their dogma puts their ideology above humanity - and often the law. they deny medicine to their children (e.g. seven day adventists), murder their daughters and sisters if they've shamed their families (e.g. honour killings) and demonize LGBT behaviour (e.g. all happy clappers, pretty much).

i've now ticked off criteria 3 - my favourite criteria as it happens, because it's the one in which the harm of the "mental illness" is externalised and causes tragedy - and added meat to criteria 5.

i therefore put forward that religious fundamentalism easily meets the criteria to be labeled a mental disorder or an EBD.

first, before citing WHO and the DSM, please read inside the battle to define mental illness - the data from these sources is based on untestable concepts of "normative" and being interpreted by organizations outside of psychological discourse.

secondly, science doesn't have the complete tool-set to deal with psychology, and that's precisely what i'm arguing. you're the one who seems to be trying to label things which cannot be reduced to right / wrong, healthy / sick dichotomies in a "scientific" manner.

thirdly, i used stalin as an example of how protecting one's ideology requires suffocating another's, it's an extreme example but i feel it makes the parallel clearer. we're pretty much doing the same thing with our pluralist ideology when we try to get others to play by our rules of right and wrong. i also think our rules are the best, by the way, but that's because we share an ideology

understanding that we live in narrative / worldview / ideological bubbles is a huge cause of stress and fundamentalism is a coping mechanism, not necessarily a cause of the stress itself. i won't say fundamentalism's not a cause of other stresses, but then we're heading into a vicious circle that shows us there's really no such thing as a life without stress and conflict. it's all a matter of choosing which stresses, conflicts and traumas you're willing to face.

i'd really, really appreciate it if you read the first book i suggested before continuing to argue, because i really, really don't want to (and don't have the authority to) repeat everything that's said in it in an attempt to present it to you in this thread, which would be ridiculously ambitious. and it's an important basis of my argument.

when you say that you aren't being ideological you're doing precisely what fundamentalists are doing, only they're doing it in an extreme form. you see, i'm also living inside an ideological framework that's inescapable, the only difference is that i'm calling it what it is. we can't escape it because it's the underlying operation of our brains, humans can't exist without ideology. and EVERYTHING we do functions through it, including our logic and rationalization. you're not going to get satisfaction arguing with me here! this isn't the right forum, and i'm not the best way for you to get into the discourse to a degree where we're both speaking the same language.
i could suggest tons of reading, like foucault and lyotard and a whole bunch of other great minds, but it's a lot and we all have to choose what we do with our minds and i believe you have other plans.

ironically, i personally hate it when people tell me i need to read stuff in order to argue with them, but that's precisely where we get to pick our battles.

still skew

... although i made it out to aux vivres to meet vfmp, his boyfriend and a friend of theirs. we've been talking about brunch there for months, and the blueberry pancakes truly are brilliant!

now if only i hadn't tripped up the steps at the metro in the middle of a bustling crowd. that was a bit embarrassing :$

...

gd has just discovered that one of her co-workers has been stealing her clients, and it looks like they're dealing with him. her stories really do make me question the locals' integrity - there're so many of them! and that's ignoring all the big stories about corruption etc.

---if our paving becomes a battle between kinetic rubber and solar roadways*, rollerbladers are going to lose out no matter who wins. but everything else will be awesome, so maybe we'd better figure out a way to make all-terrain rollerblades?

* they're most of the way there with a week to go! go on, put some cash in!

10 things that the people who love their lives are doing differently is on point.

here's a wonderful poem about english pronunciation. i learned a thing or two, actually.

holo-lambos??? SIIIIIIICK!!!

skew view

my left trapezius is buggered, my neck's hurting and my backside... it just got progressively worse and until an hour or two ago any movement at all has been extremely painful. so i came home and rested on the couch in front of life 2.0, which was a worthy look at second life and the world of possibilities it opens up. i was particularly fascinated by the recreation of las vegas which is already a simulacrum, and the results of the "little girl" experiment.

i did pass out for a short while somewhere in the middle, and dreamed that gd was pointing out a hand-sized hairy spider that was clearly looking at us and preparing to attack. i grabbed a chair and slammed an edge into it, all the while with the absolute willies. i woke up with them, wondering if i hadn't incorporated a real spider during rem and worriedly hunting my lounge for it.

---after posting yesterday, i continued mail clearing which involved watching wil wheaton and the penny arcade guys playing shadows over camelot. i can't decide how i feel about the game itself, but their game was fun to watch.

i skipped sparring and went to the boxing class. i took a lot of abuse but returned fire once or twice, and the general vibe between me and the coach was light and fun. he gave me two new guys to teach, the second one being the same big guy i worked with yesterday! he took a long time to get the hang of things, but i was proud by the end of the class when i got him through some combinations with speed *and* power :)

...

and on the third day he remembered to put his piercings back in after training.

...

i was in the mood for indian but didn't want to pay as much as we've been to the place gd usually orders from, so i called masala palace next to snowdon and picked up my order on the way. that was a great idea! it would've been even better had gd been comfortable eating it... she managed to bite her cheek pretty badly :(

so we sat watching community for a while, i overate and was unable to move much anyway. a little bit of clumsiness caused some amusing drama (it took a moment for our communal sense of humor to kick in), and we both went to bed exhausted and ready for a new day.

---it took me over an hour to get out of bed this morning, my ass was in such pain! but i'd slept quite well in any event. my sinuses can't decide if they're clear or not... i've just been invited to brunch, so i'm gonna take a tablet just in case.

big news, little news and attitudes

okay, the most important item first: my butt HURTS. gd dragged me along to studiotec, where she goes as a part of her back treatments; their atwater facility's comfortable and inviting, the guys were all very cool. i don't know if my levels were really good or if the instructor always says that to first-timers, but i was fascinated to feel the differences between my muscles groups (and my lack of symmetry).

i was amused that i was able to power through push-ups (i could have kept on going), and by how difficult certain basic exercises became as electricity pulsed through my arms and chest and back and legs. overall, the experience was satisfying, but while i was feeling pumped up when i walked out i found that later, after an hour of jiu-jitsu with a guy a full weight-category larger than me, i just didn't feel up to rolling or finishing with a kickboxing class.

and i slept like a baby last night, so there's that too :)

---news news

driverless car licenses are going to be a thing soon. it's sad that they're going to be so strict about it, but it's a definite first-step in the right direction!

we're going to have to keep on waiting and praying for patent reform. the situation is abysmal! and almost as frustrating for me, personally, is the fact that nobody's even talking about international copyright reform and the outrageous prices of digital books.

in good security news, microsoft won a small victory against the fbi. in really bad security news, it looks like snowden might be collaborating with the russians. it might just be a smear tactic, but if it is for real then i have to say that the americans brought this on themselves. they didn't need to treat him like a hero, but they certainly shouldn't have treated him like a traitor.

---personal news

how the hell is it friday already???

wednesday:

i slept well, and woke up to some game time. tales of honor has a bit of a learning curve, i made some progress but found myself stuck with something that i'm going to have to research online before i continue.

i resumed reading jean webster - daddy-long-legs, which i *still* hadn't finished. every time i returned to it after many months i'd have to start again; it's not very long. it is, however, beautiful. i finished it yesterday afternoon and immensely enjoyed every minute of the reading experience! ^_^

wednesday's weather was simply wonderful! it was cool in the shade, warm in the sun, the birds were singing and a fresh breeze was pleasantly gentle.
my biggest concern was how to go about taking advantage of such superb weather as best i could!

there's been a story going around about dirk diggler's dad, and i got a chance to talk to him and clear everything up. i then spoke to my mother, who's traded in her written-off car and was able to cover the cost of its replacement, so that's all good.

...

i napped, which would have been great had i not held my neck awkwardly, and woke up to rls. ???!!?
and my heel, which had cracked again, was hurting me badly. it's only just beginning to relax now...

...

i read some more, then went to starbucks thinking to get some work done on my comics. my netbook's having issues with wireless, refusing to connect to my phone's hot spot, and i ended up not being very productive. it also didn't help that a gushy couple was sitting next to me at the study table, being offensively "couple"y in arabic. that's not a pretty combination.

i was almost at my front door when i heard someone struggling to learn to play a trumpet or something. i'm so glad it's one building over!

boxing class was good, i skipped sparring and went to gd's. on the way i spoke to my toronto cousin, and i worry that i might have offended him when i ended the call... probably not, but i'm always nervous when people suddenly shut down.

gd made delicious tofu spring rolls, and she made a LOT of them. i'm not sure how comfortable i am with the process, though, because i watched and heard her burning her fingers on each one...

there was too much food, once we'd gotten through about half the batch and simply couldn't continue we focused on the pervert's guide to ideology. what a treat! then gd decided to give community another chance, and now she's in :)

---yesterday:

i was deeply bothered by rls again. and bad sinuses... AGAIN. this time i'm blowing blood out my nose, i don't know what they hell the deal is. i used a spray last night, which helped during the night but i woke up uncomfortable again. i really, really, really want to be breathing normally again. i'm sick of this!

gd began her day with a fight over the phone with a bureaucrat, she's been fined by the city for something her neighbours did and pulse - her legal counsel, that's their introduction - warned her that fighting it would only make it worse and that she should just pay up. i decided to take care of it myself, partially because she doesn't have the cash and partially because hey, if it wasn't for those fines we'd never have met!

it bothers me tremendously that she works so hard and barely makes ends meet. her work conditions are worrying (she rarely gets a lunch break and sometimes can't go to the loo for hours), and i understand that they're actually pretty good for her industry... it makes me feel privileged to be in software...

i needed to wait for gd for a while, and i sat down in java u. i was once again unable to get my netbook online, so i continued reading. we picked up lunch, then had another small coffee and talked about crossover fan-fiction until our studiotec appointment.

after the studiotec experience, we went our separate ways and i came home to finish daddy-long-legs. i did some email clearing - this is hard work! - and then headed off to jiu-jitsu.

it's been a while since i last did jiu-jitsu with someone who's an entire weight division larger than me! [i apologize in advance] i came eerily close to scoring a cauliflower ear :/
i almost laughed inappropriately: at one point he took his mouth-guard out to say something and it didn't make much difference :P

anyway, i know it's summer: most of the mat's covered in puddles. there's another thing i'm going to miss about winter...

i had my head in the clouds on my walk home: half the sky was purple and grey, half yellows and light blues. it was gorgeous!

i took my bloody sinus headache to gd's for the other half of the spring rolls and a few episodes of community. just before bed, after an otherwise perfect evening, i learned a lesson about which buttons of gd's not to push when she's tired :(

*sigh*

---friday:

i enjoyed the deepest sleep i've had in the longest time. i woke up with strained glutes (yep, still very sore) and in the mood for olive. trickle, in particular.

i missioned off to city hall to pay gd's fines, which wasn't an unpleasant experience, and then went downtown to get my french results. the good news is that i didn't get a worse score. the bad news is that i improved it so marginally that i might as well not have tried :(

shit.

i was close to popeye's and they're having a serious sale, so i stopped there. i had to wait in line outside the store for about twenty minutes! i found myself staring at shoes for most of that time. there are so many fashion victims walking around with obviously expensive, glaringly ugly footwear.

i walked out with a giant (2kg) tub of progressive's vegessential and carried it home, and have done very little with the rest of my day.

timewasters

okay, i need to rant quickly:

i train in tristar, one of the top fighting gyms in north america. i work pretty hard and i'm way below average.

it's one thing to see the occasional slacker, but there's this one kid... he's a teenager with no attention span who has a big, stupid mouth on him. he says such bizarrely dumb things and has such a bad attitude - i hear tell he's a bully at school, in spite of his lack of physical prowess - that if he wasn't less than half my size* i'd drag him into the ring and give him a good thumping.

* i mean to say that if he was my size or larger.

it hurts my brain trying to understand who's wasting their hard-earned cash on his dumb ass, because he's wasting his own time and whoever he partners up with. it's incredibly frustrating to share the same space as him.

linkage

i've gotten to a point in my mail-clearing where a good chunk of my messages are from me to myself, containing links that i've been meaning to check out. the following go back to mid-november, and are in chronological order from latest to earliest.

---$65 to convert my phone into a VR headset? seriously, it doesn't need to be the best quality, that sounds like an amazing deal!

fighting procrastination the smart way comes down to reducing choices. considering how little comic work i get done at home as opposed to at starbucks, i can vouch for this.

---why should you care about net neutrality? here's the first answer.

here is a more specific, clearer one.

...

but... the other 99% were right? america is not a democracy? i'm stunned.

---i agree with most of this list of 25 must-reads, some of which i've just bought (a couple of the kindle editions are going for $1 for things that aren't out of copyright) or downloaded (thanks gutenberg), because i've not gotten round to 'em. yet.

---larry page's comeback is a good read. he's definitely got the jobs thing going for him.

---these glow-in-the-dark-roads seemed pretty cool - right until solar roadways. please go give those guys some money!

---i just watched the puppet news network (this video from early december). for the first time. it's kinda like reading madam and eve.

---paul kuczynski's satiric art is gorgeous.

---and here's a whole bunch of life hacks.

---only 890 emails to go.

between the vulcans and dr who - part two

[... continued]

today:

i started my day with dragon coins, and hit their freemium wall. considering the rather crap experience that surrounds such an awesome game, i'm NOT willing to pay to play, and that's the only way to expand one's monster box to a reasonable size in a reasonable amount of time. sod that. i've uninstalled it, quite grateful for the excuse.

i'm sure i've got better things to waste my time with.

it was a perfect summer's morning, and for once we had an entire day of pleasantly warm sun without wind or rain. i spent the morning running laundry, contacting people about the poetry slam series and responding to google's post-interview survey. i'm decidedly impressed with them and their attitude towards hiring, and the only real issue i had with the process it that it takes so damned long.

the day would've been great if not for one little thing: i seem to be suffering from a pinched nerve again. it's feeling a bit better now after doing a yoga exercise that seemed to help last time and going to kickboxing, but i'll only know in the morning if i did good or made things worse :/

i walked to the starbucks to work on my comic script and arrange matters with all the illustrators, walking out with a sense of satisfaction. i then went downtown to pick up breakfast shake powder, and ended up returning with a box of clif bars and creatine powder as well even though i have enough of the latter to last me until the weekend when everything's on sale and i need to go back for more shake powder (so i have some at gd's). dammit :P

kickboxing: it was a rough class, and about halfway through i was seriously feeling my back muscles and my core. i did well regardless, and was totally worn out by the end of the class.

i walked home through a magnificent twilight with impossibly beautiful colours that i really couldn't describe if i wanted to. it was a beautiful end to a beautiful day, i made my way here to gd's and we ate another delicious dinner while watching more how i met your mother.

---i'm about ready for bed now. here's me praying for a comfortable morning...