i started passing out while watching the prisoner, so i put myself to bed. pointless, because i couldn't sleep, so i've been watching the big bang theory instead. i'm feeling weary, indecisive, and i haven't managed to get anything productive done (probably shouldn't have tried), and i'm not hungry enough to do more than snack.
i don't know if i should just chill out, or if this is cause for concern. i feel like an idiot for thinking about this.
Friday, October 30, 2009
big news, little news
i've definitely spent too long online, so i'm taking a break to watch television instead :P
i took out my ski jacket and my brolly, made use of a pair of boots i bought ages ago and barely wear, grabbed a cup of coffee and walked north, whistling seether - fine again. it was beautiful, in the light rain, still lit by the occasional lightning flash and by relaxed faces all along the way.
i ran into the girl i bladed behind a couple of weeks ago, and we had a quick chat about the weather, about how cruel not being able to blade is, about next week's race... i was rather embarrassed to not have remembered her name. she's quite pretty, and i wondered for the second time if the reason that we never talk is because she seems unapproachable, or because i do.
breakfast with karnaf was great - we had a lot to talk about. the waitress was very pleasant - to look at, too - and the food was exactly right. it was during final tea that a university friend walked in with his gorgeous girlfriend, and we had a quick chat that was awkward because *i* kept talking in hebrew - it's automatic with him, and she doesn't speak any. not cool.
the walk back was pleasant. here are some links, some important, and some pretty.
important: sometimes, governments forget that they're supposed to control the people, not serve them. if your aim is to control, you simply can't hire intelligent, honest, educated people to fill potentially controversial posts.
i mean, who knew that he would go against the party line in favour of reality?!
didn't we learn anything from nixon?! he thought the war on drugs would protect the united states from moral decline. he was wrong. the irony? we resort to worse things to fill the gap that's left by not doing something that comes naturally to us.
pretty: i'm a big fan of twisp & catsby, and the penny arcade halloween special is magnificent!
the obscure: i watched top gear's robin reliant shuttle episode in january - it's ingenious!
and i was just reminded of yael deckelbaum doing a terrific cover of me and bobby mcgee last night :)
i took out my ski jacket and my brolly, made use of a pair of boots i bought ages ago and barely wear, grabbed a cup of coffee and walked north, whistling seether - fine again. it was beautiful, in the light rain, still lit by the occasional lightning flash and by relaxed faces all along the way.
i ran into the girl i bladed behind a couple of weeks ago, and we had a quick chat about the weather, about how cruel not being able to blade is, about next week's race... i was rather embarrassed to not have remembered her name. she's quite pretty, and i wondered for the second time if the reason that we never talk is because she seems unapproachable, or because i do.
breakfast with karnaf was great - we had a lot to talk about. the waitress was very pleasant - to look at, too - and the food was exactly right. it was during final tea that a university friend walked in with his gorgeous girlfriend, and we had a quick chat that was awkward because *i* kept talking in hebrew - it's automatic with him, and she doesn't speak any. not cool.
the walk back was pleasant. here are some links, some important, and some pretty.
important: sometimes, governments forget that they're supposed to control the people, not serve them. if your aim is to control, you simply can't hire intelligent, honest, educated people to fill potentially controversial posts.
i mean, who knew that he would go against the party line in favour of reality?!
didn't we learn anything from nixon?! he thought the war on drugs would protect the united states from moral decline. he was wrong. the irony? we resort to worse things to fill the gap that's left by not doing something that comes naturally to us.
pretty: i'm a big fan of twisp & catsby, and the penny arcade halloween special is magnificent!
the obscure: i watched top gear's robin reliant shuttle episode in january - it's ingenious!
and i was just reminded of yael deckelbaum doing a terrific cover of me and bobby mcgee last night :)
possibly back to bed
the alternate ride - on happiness
the discussion yesterday morning revolved around being happy - whether or not being happy or satisfied is a positive thing, and how pursuing happiness is a pointless exercise when one can simply "be happy". i was surprisingly interested.
"do not push against skin with forklift prongs"
there's a quote that's been bothering me ever since i first walked past it, stenciled formally on the side of a set of crates. is that really necessary?!
rabin memorial, SC stress relief
we all gathered for a memorial for yitzchak rabin. the speeches were fairly standard, although the chief of staff's message was very good. we then had an hour of singing along (or, in the case of myself and those in my immediate vacinity, uncomfortable nap time - it was hard work keeping our eyes open) to the traditional sad songs of the day. a lot of the songs were about hope and peace, which some found detracted from the spirit of the day. i disagreed - we're mourning the fact that rabin was assassinated, i think defiance in the face of those who worked against him is in order.
i joined nystire for a mission to the other side of the base. we were discussing possible things to do to celebrate my release (whenever that is), and i came up with a brilliant plan. getting our SC to dress up as a donkey, then pulling out a couple of big sticks and screaming "piƱata!!!" would be awesome.
on a more realistic note, i decided to begin making a "wear sunscreen" presentation. i'll add a bit more every couple of days, mostly from the things that the guys do that drive me nuts.
uml and tweaking
i started getting somewhere with my tidying up, and things are beginning to fall into place. it sucks a bit that the sections i'm currently doing can't really be done incrementally... what's nice is that it's interesting enough that i'm taking it home with me (in my head, at least) :)
i was shocked today at the ease with which i could unsubscribe from another army magazine (that i actually did ask for). i called them up, told them what i wanted to do, gave them my id, and they said "done". i was in shock, considering the fact that we're still fighting over the hopelessness of unsubscribing from the one nobody wants :/
my cousin from the kibbutz has agreed that if i come visit next weekend, she'll take me to the kinneret for the 60km bicycle (with us on blades) race. sorted! although, as usual, i'm assuming that something could come up at the last moment. if nothing does, that would be excellent :)
the november wired kept me up the whole ride home :P
decision making off the board
i'd been totally exhausted the entire day, and had to choose whether or not to train. i was so out of it that i couldn't figure out how busy today was going to be, but came to the conclusion that missing friday's training would suck.
then i called up our instructor, and was informed that scrapper's test was going to be yesterday - not only did i not want to miss it, but i was suddenly convinced that i'd confused the week and had to make two other phone calls to verify that i hadn't lost my marbles.
verification complete, i managed to sort out all the options until they relied on whatever was written on my whiteboard... so as soon as i got in, i had a look and knew immediately that i needed to get ready and head off. i *just* made the bus. i spent the ride napping or engaged by hillman
- i got to thinking about the reality of dreams. if the experience seems real, then i've experienced it, and that makes it real. from *my* perspective, at least.
so if i've been dreaming about battling aliens or being lost in a haunted village, then i can add those to all of my personal experiences, for better or for worse...
how did i do so much damage to my poor foot?
for the last month or so i've been having difficulty with my blades. i've also been having trouble, at random, balancing on my right leg. about halfway through the training, i noticed for the first time why.
i'm guessing it was caused by making contact with someone else's elbow a while back - with what appears to be my tibialis anterior tendon.
it's become raised, swollen and misshapen, it's like a piece of rock. and it hurts. haven't i seen the doctor enough this past week?!
the psycho-slap changes
training was pleasant (thank redbull), but about half an hour before we finished i received a psychological slap to the face. i was really excited by having learned a game-changer - if i hold my head and shoulders slightly lower, i keep my whole body not only more stabilized, but looking sharper as well. i practised doing that, only to have our instructor rush up to correct three different things in a form that i've never done differently - significant changes to things that i've always felt *right* doing.
that was incredibly hard to get over.
i now have to focus on keeping my body lower, straightening my thumbs for open-handed attacks and blocks, blocking from the outside and attacking from the inside (i've always been confused about that), angling my hands differently for the double-block, readjusting my open stance and landing sideways from the roundhouse... *not* going into tiger stance...
that's harsh.
yael deckelbaum
's bag of tricks
it was a bit insane to try to get to the show - we left training in ra'anana around 22.15, and it was supposed to begin at 22.30. we managed to arrive a few minutes before things got moving - the place was packed - and one of my old team-mates rocked up after the first song. the band was missing the lead guitarist, but they didn't need him last night.
they changed their tone a little, threw in a bit of jazz, a bit of reggae, and made it a really, really special evening. it was magical, wonderful, and intimate - i'd forgotten how much i love seeing her live!
the hunt for next-door shuwarma
we walked out of the performance, both in need of food (beers and nachos after training isn't enough), and went in the wrong direction. everything that was interesting was closed, and we did a full circle before finding something acceptable. at least it was a pleasant walk, and it had only begun to drizzle by the time we went inside.
the chef in a thunderstorm
as we made to leave, thunder rolled and the skies opened. we stood there appreciating the wonder of the first real storm of the season, hoping it would lessen enough for us to get to the car. just then, the chef rocked up on his bicycle, completed drenched. it was good that we had a chance to chat, because aside from the pleasantries i'm now clued in on the after-effects of last week's event.
he took most of the week off, went back to work yesterday, and when the big bastard showed up (as usual), he was suddenly stuck by post-trauma terror. so he's gone to the police, which he should've done a week ago - but i can totally understand. i was surprised on tuesday to hear that he was doing fine, he obviously hadn't let what happened sink in.
soaked without a jumping box
we were trapped on the wrong side of the road... after discovering that the section that looked less flooded wasn't, i saw scrapper do something out of a computer game: a cardboard box was floating past, about half the distance across. he actually made it - leaving me impressed, and stuck in the middle of the road. we both had a good laugh afterwards, because i totally complicated things trying not to get soaked and i ended up all wet anyway.
and i enjoyed it :)
---
aaaah, janis joplin
and pj harvey
on a morning where the thunderstorm has been set to continual downpour ^_^
the discussion yesterday morning revolved around being happy - whether or not being happy or satisfied is a positive thing, and how pursuing happiness is a pointless exercise when one can simply "be happy". i was surprisingly interested.
"do not push against skin with forklift prongs"
there's a quote that's been bothering me ever since i first walked past it, stenciled formally on the side of a set of crates. is that really necessary?!
rabin memorial, SC stress relief
we all gathered for a memorial for yitzchak rabin. the speeches were fairly standard, although the chief of staff's message was very good. we then had an hour of singing along (or, in the case of myself and those in my immediate vacinity, uncomfortable nap time - it was hard work keeping our eyes open) to the traditional sad songs of the day. a lot of the songs were about hope and peace, which some found detracted from the spirit of the day. i disagreed - we're mourning the fact that rabin was assassinated, i think defiance in the face of those who worked against him is in order.
i joined nystire for a mission to the other side of the base. we were discussing possible things to do to celebrate my release (whenever that is), and i came up with a brilliant plan. getting our SC to dress up as a donkey, then pulling out a couple of big sticks and screaming "piƱata!!!" would be awesome.
on a more realistic note, i decided to begin making a "wear sunscreen" presentation. i'll add a bit more every couple of days, mostly from the things that the guys do that drive me nuts.
uml and tweaking
i started getting somewhere with my tidying up, and things are beginning to fall into place. it sucks a bit that the sections i'm currently doing can't really be done incrementally... what's nice is that it's interesting enough that i'm taking it home with me (in my head, at least) :)
i was shocked today at the ease with which i could unsubscribe from another army magazine (that i actually did ask for). i called them up, told them what i wanted to do, gave them my id, and they said "done". i was in shock, considering the fact that we're still fighting over the hopelessness of unsubscribing from the one nobody wants :/
my cousin from the kibbutz has agreed that if i come visit next weekend, she'll take me to the kinneret for the 60km bicycle (with us on blades) race. sorted! although, as usual, i'm assuming that something could come up at the last moment. if nothing does, that would be excellent :)
the november wired kept me up the whole ride home :P
decision making off the board
i'd been totally exhausted the entire day, and had to choose whether or not to train. i was so out of it that i couldn't figure out how busy today was going to be, but came to the conclusion that missing friday's training would suck.
then i called up our instructor, and was informed that scrapper's test was going to be yesterday - not only did i not want to miss it, but i was suddenly convinced that i'd confused the week and had to make two other phone calls to verify that i hadn't lost my marbles.
verification complete, i managed to sort out all the options until they relied on whatever was written on my whiteboard... so as soon as i got in, i had a look and knew immediately that i needed to get ready and head off. i *just* made the bus. i spent the ride napping or engaged by hillman
- i got to thinking about the reality of dreams. if the experience seems real, then i've experienced it, and that makes it real. from *my* perspective, at least.so if i've been dreaming about battling aliens or being lost in a haunted village, then i can add those to all of my personal experiences, for better or for worse...
how did i do so much damage to my poor foot?
for the last month or so i've been having difficulty with my blades. i've also been having trouble, at random, balancing on my right leg. about halfway through the training, i noticed for the first time why.
i'm guessing it was caused by making contact with someone else's elbow a while back - with what appears to be my tibialis anterior tendon.
it's become raised, swollen and misshapen, it's like a piece of rock. and it hurts. haven't i seen the doctor enough this past week?!
the psycho-slap changes
training was pleasant (thank redbull), but about half an hour before we finished i received a psychological slap to the face. i was really excited by having learned a game-changer - if i hold my head and shoulders slightly lower, i keep my whole body not only more stabilized, but looking sharper as well. i practised doing that, only to have our instructor rush up to correct three different things in a form that i've never done differently - significant changes to things that i've always felt *right* doing.
that was incredibly hard to get over.
i now have to focus on keeping my body lower, straightening my thumbs for open-handed attacks and blocks, blocking from the outside and attacking from the inside (i've always been confused about that), angling my hands differently for the double-block, readjusting my open stance and landing sideways from the roundhouse... *not* going into tiger stance...
that's harsh.
yael deckelbaum
's bag of tricksit was a bit insane to try to get to the show - we left training in ra'anana around 22.15, and it was supposed to begin at 22.30. we managed to arrive a few minutes before things got moving - the place was packed - and one of my old team-mates rocked up after the first song. the band was missing the lead guitarist, but they didn't need him last night.
they changed their tone a little, threw in a bit of jazz, a bit of reggae, and made it a really, really special evening. it was magical, wonderful, and intimate - i'd forgotten how much i love seeing her live!
the hunt for next-door shuwarma
we walked out of the performance, both in need of food (beers and nachos after training isn't enough), and went in the wrong direction. everything that was interesting was closed, and we did a full circle before finding something acceptable. at least it was a pleasant walk, and it had only begun to drizzle by the time we went inside.
the chef in a thunderstorm
as we made to leave, thunder rolled and the skies opened. we stood there appreciating the wonder of the first real storm of the season, hoping it would lessen enough for us to get to the car. just then, the chef rocked up on his bicycle, completed drenched. it was good that we had a chance to chat, because aside from the pleasantries i'm now clued in on the after-effects of last week's event.
he took most of the week off, went back to work yesterday, and when the big bastard showed up (as usual), he was suddenly stuck by post-trauma terror. so he's gone to the police, which he should've done a week ago - but i can totally understand. i was surprised on tuesday to hear that he was doing fine, he obviously hadn't let what happened sink in.
soaked without a jumping box
we were trapped on the wrong side of the road... after discovering that the section that looked less flooded wasn't, i saw scrapper do something out of a computer game: a cardboard box was floating past, about half the distance across. he actually made it - leaving me impressed, and stuck in the middle of the road. we both had a good laugh afterwards, because i totally complicated things trying not to get soaked and i ended up all wet anyway.
and i enjoyed it :)
aaaah, janis joplin
and pj harvey on a morning where the thunderstorm has been set to continual downpour ^_^
Thursday, October 29, 2009
double tap!
Not only did i manage to score a late wake up (late enough to watch another episode of the big bang theory), but i just walked out of my apartment into a cool breeze and a light drizzle ^_^
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
pristine defence
pristine defence
a fortress
in shallow greys and blonde tresses
a fortress
empty as the surrounding desert
the giant face
of the entrance wall
with eyes, wide, penetrating
barbed lashes at the ready
granite-lipped drawbridge sealed tight
the mouth snaps
creaking shrilly in the wind
a whispering, questioning breeze
blowing ever out, sometimes gently
but often a blasting wind
those mocking eyes brook no entry
that sharp-toothed mouth denies refuge
that emptiness will not be stained
by the passage of travellers
a fortress
in shallow greys and blonde tresses
a fortress
empty as the surrounding desert
the giant face
of the entrance wall
with eyes, wide, penetrating
barbed lashes at the ready
granite-lipped drawbridge sealed tight
the mouth snaps
creaking shrilly in the wind
a whispering, questioning breeze
blowing ever out, sometimes gently
but often a blasting wind
those mocking eyes brook no entry
that sharp-toothed mouth denies refuge
that emptiness will not be stained
by the passage of travellers
operational goodbye
after a perfect nap, and a great night on wheels, i slept perfectly. i didn't wake up until way after first coffee. carcolepsy was unavoidable :P
dragging the kit bag around today was inconvenient, but i do believe in "better safe than sorry". i can't help but laugh at myself for being so unnecessarily organized, sometimes :)
nystire put last night's idiot-girl aggravation into words: "aggressive defence of ignorance". i think that's an excellent description.
i spoke to tel aviv university's grad school secretary on behalf of a cousin who's looking to apply, and the discussion we had was quite interesting. it revolved around the differences between "2nd" and "3rd" degrees and "masters", "honours" and "doctorate" (nope, no resolution), and the inconvenience of studying in a foreign language.
i finished a task today that caused the 1.5 days of potentially wasted work i mentioned yesterday, and once i realized what i had to do it took all of five minutes. oh, well. i should probably care more.
i'm ashamed to have achieved a number of important milestones in my secondary project without any design whatsoever. i began to sketch uml this afternoon for the rewrite, and i am ashamed that i've spaghetti'ed it all together until now. i would never have considered something like this before - i can't rightly explain what got into me. it's becoming more and more complicated to incrementally incorporate decent design modules, but at least the uml seems to be clearing things up a bit.
i will never laugh at uml again.
i got into working uniform for the first time since march, and it felt great! unfortunately, it's most likely the last time i'll be putting it on, and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i've always hated serving in dress uniform, and i've always enjoyed playing soldier.
i was made bus commander on the way to the range, the driver was shocked that i could assume command without complaining when i hadn't been given a chance to "prepare". what was there to prepare? how to deal with a bunch of brats who can't sit still or count past ten? no problem. i even managed to cut off the shitty phone music effectively ;)
unfortunately, as "BC", i had to be aware of my surroundings and i really wanted to pass out, just like everyone else :P
i wasn't kidding about the counting limitation - everything at the range went smoothly (surprisingly so) except for getting the kids to stand in order of their assigned numbers. okay, so the first time it may have been a bit complicated for them to perform the comparisons, but the second? and the third?! all they had to do was stand more or less where they'd been the first time!
the girl who i think has a crush on me (nyah-nyah) and i burst out laughing, from where we were standing the range commander's tent looked exactly like a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant!
the sunset was gorgeous, but blurred. i want my eyes to perform as they did when i was a kid! i've become more and more reliant on my glasses of late - i need an ocular vacation.
standing in formation at the end of the evening, i couldn't help myself. i *had* to squeeze the cow attached to nyah-nyah's bag... a suddenly loud mooing had her cringing [i wanted to write cowering, then thought better of it] and us in hysterics :D
i relinquished responsibility for the bus on the way back, and got a ride back to tel aviv from a guy in our unit who's generally rather uncommunicative. we had an interesting talk, got lost in traffic, and eventually i got dropped off near my home. after a quick shower, i took a giant sandwich for a walk to what i understood was a sound exhibition... i made it just in time for the final event of the day, which was essentially a sales pitch for a very impressive sound mixer. if i was interested in making a purchase, i might've hung around for longer than i did.
i've watched some more of the big bang theory, and am definitely getting into bed. stupidly early morning, coming up.
dragging the kit bag around today was inconvenient, but i do believe in "better safe than sorry". i can't help but laugh at myself for being so unnecessarily organized, sometimes :)
nystire put last night's idiot-girl aggravation into words: "aggressive defence of ignorance". i think that's an excellent description.
i spoke to tel aviv university's grad school secretary on behalf of a cousin who's looking to apply, and the discussion we had was quite interesting. it revolved around the differences between "2nd" and "3rd" degrees and "masters", "honours" and "doctorate" (nope, no resolution), and the inconvenience of studying in a foreign language.
i finished a task today that caused the 1.5 days of potentially wasted work i mentioned yesterday, and once i realized what i had to do it took all of five minutes. oh, well. i should probably care more.
i'm ashamed to have achieved a number of important milestones in my secondary project without any design whatsoever. i began to sketch uml this afternoon for the rewrite, and i am ashamed that i've spaghetti'ed it all together until now. i would never have considered something like this before - i can't rightly explain what got into me. it's becoming more and more complicated to incrementally incorporate decent design modules, but at least the uml seems to be clearing things up a bit.
i will never laugh at uml again.
i got into working uniform for the first time since march, and it felt great! unfortunately, it's most likely the last time i'll be putting it on, and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i've always hated serving in dress uniform, and i've always enjoyed playing soldier.
i was made bus commander on the way to the range, the driver was shocked that i could assume command without complaining when i hadn't been given a chance to "prepare". what was there to prepare? how to deal with a bunch of brats who can't sit still or count past ten? no problem. i even managed to cut off the shitty phone music effectively ;)
unfortunately, as "BC", i had to be aware of my surroundings and i really wanted to pass out, just like everyone else :P
i wasn't kidding about the counting limitation - everything at the range went smoothly (surprisingly so) except for getting the kids to stand in order of their assigned numbers. okay, so the first time it may have been a bit complicated for them to perform the comparisons, but the second? and the third?! all they had to do was stand more or less where they'd been the first time!
the girl who i think has a crush on me (nyah-nyah) and i burst out laughing, from where we were standing the range commander's tent looked exactly like a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant!
the sunset was gorgeous, but blurred. i want my eyes to perform as they did when i was a kid! i've become more and more reliant on my glasses of late - i need an ocular vacation.
standing in formation at the end of the evening, i couldn't help myself. i *had* to squeeze the cow attached to nyah-nyah's bag... a suddenly loud mooing had her cringing [i wanted to write cowering, then thought better of it] and us in hysterics :D
i relinquished responsibility for the bus on the way back, and got a ride back to tel aviv from a guy in our unit who's generally rather uncommunicative. we had an interesting talk, got lost in traffic, and eventually i got dropped off near my home. after a quick shower, i took a giant sandwich for a walk to what i understood was a sound exhibition... i made it just in time for the final event of the day, which was essentially a sales pitch for a very impressive sound mixer. if i was interested in making a purchase, i might've hung around for longer than i did.
i've watched some more of the big bang theory, and am definitely getting into bed. stupidly early morning, coming up.
cleansing smooth tar
after posting, i spent some time trying to help a cousin skirt around israeli university websites (they're a nightmare), watched a couple of episodes of the big bang theory, shopped, ate, had the most perfect nap ever, and headed out on my blades.
getting there was fun - we started coalescing into a small group at random intervals, and the route was great. i enjoyed helping out by joining the forward team to form roadblocks - i can do that because my overalls are bright enough - and was really glad for my ski mask when we hit the park. most of the evening was smooth sailing, and even the crazy uphill in the middle didn't slow me down :)
i just had a long chat with my mum, and am now about to shower and crash. with a giant smile on my face ^_^
getting there was fun - we started coalescing into a small group at random intervals, and the route was great. i enjoyed helping out by joining the forward team to form roadblocks - i can do that because my overalls are bright enough - and was really glad for my ski mask when we hit the park. most of the evening was smooth sailing, and even the crazy uphill in the middle didn't slow me down :)
i just had a long chat with my mum, and am now about to shower and crash. with a giant smile on my face ^_^
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
gleeful reply
wow - a response to my ramblings!
i disagree with the definition of god. you say, god creates reality and meaning, this particular part of my brain creates reality and meaning, therefore my brain is god, QED.
a cat has claws; a wolf has claws, therefore a cat is a wolf.
the point i'm trying to make about god is one of redefinition. cats and wolves both have claws, and i'm not looking at them. i'm suggesting that i can call both cats and wolves predators, and whether you're looking for a wolf or a cat, i'm going to say you're looking for a predator.
it's a fairly safe assumption that there is no "god" in a universal reality, but when we seek the creator and controller of our universe in a theological sense we are seeking the "meaning producer", the thing behind everything we experience, see, hear, extrapolate, infer.
when i say that that part of your brain is god, it's not my god, it's yours. if you believe in a universal god, then you're talking about a reality of facts that doesn't leave much room for one. remember, "universal" means testable - scientific, if you like. that which exists with or without your being around to appreciate it. when science finds a real god that consciously made everything, let me know.
because we cannot differentiate between the universal and the personal, for each individual *god* performs all the functions and *god* really exists and really exists for everyone else as well. the concept of "everyone else" is itself an internal, personal one.
if you believe in a personal god, the god of *your* reality, you won't find anything that comes before the mechanism in your head that produces meaning. if god comes *after* that mechanism, then you've created your god, making *you* god, but through that mechanism. it's all very circular :)
as i said, i'm always happy to have holes pointed out - the biggest problem with all of the above and everything else i've written is communicating it, because communication is personal...
i disagree with the definition of god. you say, god creates reality and meaning, this particular part of my brain creates reality and meaning, therefore my brain is god, QED.
a cat has claws; a wolf has claws, therefore a cat is a wolf.
the point i'm trying to make about god is one of redefinition. cats and wolves both have claws, and i'm not looking at them. i'm suggesting that i can call both cats and wolves predators, and whether you're looking for a wolf or a cat, i'm going to say you're looking for a predator.
it's a fairly safe assumption that there is no "god" in a universal reality, but when we seek the creator and controller of our universe in a theological sense we are seeking the "meaning producer", the thing behind everything we experience, see, hear, extrapolate, infer.
when i say that that part of your brain is god, it's not my god, it's yours. if you believe in a universal god, then you're talking about a reality of facts that doesn't leave much room for one. remember, "universal" means testable - scientific, if you like. that which exists with or without your being around to appreciate it. when science finds a real god that consciously made everything, let me know.
because we cannot differentiate between the universal and the personal, for each individual *god* performs all the functions and *god* really exists and really exists for everyone else as well. the concept of "everyone else" is itself an internal, personal one.
if you believe in a personal god, the god of *your* reality, you won't find anything that comes before the mechanism in your head that produces meaning. if god comes *after* that mechanism, then you've created your god, making *you* god, but through that mechanism. it's all very circular :)
as i said, i'm always happy to have holes pointed out - the biggest problem with all of the above and everything else i've written is communicating it, because communication is personal...
why do i try?
i'm like the little engine that could, only i keep on trying even when there aren't any tracks. i cannot let go of my desire to help, to correct, to improve, and i keep on going even when there's nobody home.
i usually have no problem standing on the bus and reading... but this morning, the woman next to me pulled out a book before i could, and that just made me all awkward about "copying her" :P
i had a go at my ride for recommending the little prince when he obviously didn't get the point of it. he was highly offended, and stalked off - i discovered later that he himself only read it a week ago for the first time. i had to apologize, and then inform the people who were around at the time that i'd been mistaken. at least that means that there's a chance we'll have fewer arguments over my "childish" behaviour in the future.
the environmentalists:
1. insubordination
the guy who took an interest was called up by the unit head for "going around his commanders". i cleared myself with my SC (more of a double-check, because he has no memory) of the same charge, as i ran through the correct channels.
2. "i'm not responsible"
the chat with my SC turned into a full-scale attack on him, as he's of the opinion that everything's alright and someone else can worry about the future. this coming from a man with kids really blows my mind. eventually, he told me that he's aware that he's not taking responsibility for his actions, but he's authorizing me to keep trying to change his attitude.
doos.
my workday consisted of transferring reams of data to a wiki. the wiki table formatting doesn't work, so i built a table generator before getting started. i then showed the guy who wiki-shocked me yesterday, and he hemmed and hawed and told me "we'll see".
i hope he will. otherwise, that was a serious waste of a day :P
the wall of
she attacks everything i say, claiming that she wants to learn. she puts down any pursuit in non-scientific fields as pointless and wasteful, and makes fun of anything she doesn't understand. why, then, do i keep trying to answer her questions? she trapped me with one after another, and at one point i answered her with "i know what it is, i don't know how to get it across".
her response?
"if you know something, then you can't have a problem with getting it across."
i made an attempt, and failed, because she began playing word-games. i find the bloody-minded literalness frightening. then i recalled the points i've come across regarding the slow bleeding-out of language by the strangling of words until they lose their power... you can keep defining until you've lost what you were trying to describe. and then you can communicate like a newspeak-limited idiot.
i mentioned the bump that's been hurting me - i suddenly remembered that about two weeks ago i slipped on my blades, and landed on my right thigh. the damage is consistent with the sort that one takes from using a piercing-gun. blunt trauma, way to go.
i'm not sure if i've had this concept implanted subconsciously or not, but something suddenly occurred to me:
"ew! you can't eat puppies! puppies are adorable and we love them!" - then why do you have no problem with wiping with them? huh? weirdos.
i usually have no problem standing on the bus and reading... but this morning, the woman next to me pulled out a book before i could, and that just made me all awkward about "copying her" :P
i had a go at my ride for recommending the little prince when he obviously didn't get the point of it. he was highly offended, and stalked off - i discovered later that he himself only read it a week ago for the first time. i had to apologize, and then inform the people who were around at the time that i'd been mistaken. at least that means that there's a chance we'll have fewer arguments over my "childish" behaviour in the future.
the environmentalists:
1. insubordination
the guy who took an interest was called up by the unit head for "going around his commanders". i cleared myself with my SC (more of a double-check, because he has no memory) of the same charge, as i ran through the correct channels.
2. "i'm not responsible"
the chat with my SC turned into a full-scale attack on him, as he's of the opinion that everything's alright and someone else can worry about the future. this coming from a man with kids really blows my mind. eventually, he told me that he's aware that he's not taking responsibility for his actions, but he's authorizing me to keep trying to change his attitude.
doos.
my workday consisted of transferring reams of data to a wiki. the wiki table formatting doesn't work, so i built a table generator before getting started. i then showed the guy who wiki-shocked me yesterday, and he hemmed and hawed and told me "we'll see".
i hope he will. otherwise, that was a serious waste of a day :P
the wall of
she attacks everything i say, claiming that she wants to learn. she puts down any pursuit in non-scientific fields as pointless and wasteful, and makes fun of anything she doesn't understand. why, then, do i keep trying to answer her questions? she trapped me with one after another, and at one point i answered her with "i know what it is, i don't know how to get it across".
her response?
"if you know something, then you can't have a problem with getting it across."
i made an attempt, and failed, because she began playing word-games. i find the bloody-minded literalness frightening. then i recalled the points i've come across regarding the slow bleeding-out of language by the strangling of words until they lose their power... you can keep defining until you've lost what you were trying to describe. and then you can communicate like a newspeak-limited idiot.
i mentioned the bump that's been hurting me - i suddenly remembered that about two weeks ago i slipped on my blades, and landed on my right thigh. the damage is consistent with the sort that one takes from using a piercing-gun. blunt trauma, way to go.
i'm not sure if i've had this concept implanted subconsciously or not, but something suddenly occurred to me:
"ew! you can't eat puppies! puppies are adorable and we love them!" - then why do you have no problem with wiping with them? huh? weirdos.
bad doggie
i meant to go to bed about an hour ago, but i only had one more episode of being human left. what a fantastic series!
i do feel bad about the many things i didn't do instead. i did need to chill, though.
today's calvin and hobbes: too true. in that vein, here are some great times square images from saturday.
i'm just more than halfway through the little prince, and i'm blown away by the fact that the person who recommended it to me didn't understand the point. in book parlance: he's a grown-up. with his own asteroid.
i do feel bad about the many things i didn't do instead. i did need to chill, though.
today's calvin and hobbes: too true. in that vein, here are some great times square images from saturday.
i'm just more than halfway through the little prince, and i'm blown away by the fact that the person who recommended it to me didn't understand the point. in book parlance: he's a grown-up. with his own asteroid.
Monday, October 26, 2009
(previously unpostable)
and learning something absolutely frightening about the denial-of-attention that i received when trying to unsubscribe from the mailing list a few months back. i argued with the general command for a while before they told me to give up, and someone else picked up the baton and had a go today.
apparently, the man in charge - extremely high-ranking - is adamant that the magazine gets out, and refuses to consider an electronic version. because he's too old-cool for school. when told that it's a destructive attitude, he first expressed how important the magazine is (which practically nobody reads), and then claimed that out of consideration for the environment he won't let anyone use the airconditioner in the office.
i think that's fantastic. so the environment suffers for one action, and those under his command for its counter-action. the man is a genius.
apparently, the man in charge - extremely high-ranking - is adamant that the magazine gets out, and refuses to consider an electronic version. because he's too old-cool for school. when told that it's a destructive attitude, he first expressed how important the magazine is (which practically nobody reads), and then claimed that out of consideration for the environment he won't let anyone use the airconditioner in the office.
i think that's fantastic. so the environment suffers for one action, and those under his command for its counter-action. the man is a genius.
b-m-and-w
bloodletting, massage, and wiki-shock. these are the things that consumed my day.
i managed to get to see the doctor really quickly this morning, and he assured me that last night's paranoia was completely unjustified and that it's an arbitrary thing. that's never happened to me before. did it have to happen when i was feeling so good?
wiki-shock means coming across the scattered remains of someone's attempt at a feasibility test - for using the wiki for a certain type of documentation. this guy had no clue how to use a wiki, nor how to ask for help, the result of which is a cluster of "table of contents" pages that link through to pages labelled "1. Section Heading", which kinda misses the point.
that's the second time i've come across such a glaring example of "i don't know, so it can't be done". the first came from brother bear: i explained to him what he'd have to do to get java running on his system, he didn't listen, and it didn't happen. he then reported back that the project couldn't be done in java.
and these are *intelligent*, *educated* people. gods help us all.
ooh! that reminds me, i read this last night on the bus and it just keeps making me smile:
i learned something absolutely frightening about the denial-of-attention that i received when trying to unsubscribe from the mailing list a few months back. i argued with the general command for a while before they told me to give up, and someone else picked up the baton and had a go today. from what he reported back, we have a major attitude problem and i'm hoping he'll succeed where i failed.
we donated blood today - i was concerned when i told the woman in charge about my low blood-pressure and my syncope, and she told me i have nothing to worry about :)
it suddenly dawned on me that the reason i had a hard time putting pressure on the vein was because my arm's become a lot tougher in the last couple of months of training!
i was amused at the end of my physiotherapy session - i'm usually the last case for the day, and it felt... awkward... to watch my physiotherapist begin treating someone else before i'd gone.
the chef's ex wants to meet me... i can't even guess what for :S
in the meanwhile, i've decided i'm going to catch an episode of one of the eight series' that i'm currently watching (wtf?! didn't i say no telly for me?!), and maybe read a bit of antoine de saint-exupƩry - the little prince (hardcopy
).
the hadouk trio hijaz just made my evening, getting me to turn off the lights and dance; it even inspired me to sketch an idea for my ceiling. i wonder how much it would cost to put that up professionally?
i managed to get to see the doctor really quickly this morning, and he assured me that last night's paranoia was completely unjustified and that it's an arbitrary thing. that's never happened to me before. did it have to happen when i was feeling so good?
wiki-shock means coming across the scattered remains of someone's attempt at a feasibility test - for using the wiki for a certain type of documentation. this guy had no clue how to use a wiki, nor how to ask for help, the result of which is a cluster of "table of contents" pages that link through to pages labelled "1. Section Heading", which kinda misses the point.
that's the second time i've come across such a glaring example of "i don't know, so it can't be done". the first came from brother bear: i explained to him what he'd have to do to get java running on his system, he didn't listen, and it didn't happen. he then reported back that the project couldn't be done in java.
and these are *intelligent*, *educated* people. gods help us all.
ooh! that reminds me, i read this last night on the bus and it just keeps making me smile:
for indeed wandering is a psychopathic trait. the mocking discordant shadow who must see through because he is also a Knight Errant, passionate and idealistic, is indeed a figure of psychopathy. it is he within who is driven out of stable connections, who cannot settle, cannot conform, because he is driven to unsettle all forms. but this fugue in the soul need not be condemned to play the antisocial criminal, since precisely his mordant insights are those that can awaken the callow unpsychological innocent - who also lives within us - to discern among ideas, discover new perspectives, and survive. this the rogue errant can teach - psychological survival. thus may our psychopathic shadow become a guiding psychopomp and bring about a reformation of the innocents from below, through the shadow - of the lamb by the wolf.more because the description of the internal process is itself a fantastic metaphor for how i see myself :)
james hillman, re-visioning psychology
i learned something absolutely frightening about the denial-of-attention that i received when trying to unsubscribe from the mailing list a few months back. i argued with the general command for a while before they told me to give up, and someone else picked up the baton and had a go today. from what he reported back, we have a major attitude problem and i'm hoping he'll succeed where i failed.
we donated blood today - i was concerned when i told the woman in charge about my low blood-pressure and my syncope, and she told me i have nothing to worry about :)
it suddenly dawned on me that the reason i had a hard time putting pressure on the vein was because my arm's become a lot tougher in the last couple of months of training!
i was amused at the end of my physiotherapy session - i'm usually the last case for the day, and it felt... awkward... to watch my physiotherapist begin treating someone else before i'd gone.
the chef's ex wants to meet me... i can't even guess what for :S
in the meanwhile, i've decided i'm going to catch an episode of one of the eight series' that i'm currently watching (wtf?! didn't i say no telly for me?!), and maybe read a bit of antoine de saint-exupƩry - the little prince (hardcopy
).the hadouk trio hijaz just made my evening, getting me to turn off the lights and dance; it even inspired me to sketch an idea for my ceiling. i wonder how much it would cost to put that up professionally?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
a little rest is in order
how did i forget yesterday's quote of the day?
"9am is too early for spandex!"
i was a bit disorganized this morning. i missed a semi-useful bus, and waited 15 minutes for the good one. as it arrived, i realized i'd left something important at home: something that's usually in a place i can't miss, but during friday's unfocused unhappiness i placed a book over it... that was just unfortunate. i made it back there in time for a slightly-more-useful-than-the-semi-useful bus, and arrived *just* as my ride turned the corner. phew!
most of today disappeared in a whirlwind of not much. lots of emailing and explanations, but no actual work. i did purchase the green and black jawbone; it appears to be a fair price and the cute girl's name is daria. you can't say no to that.
the two village-idiot arguments of the day were about palestinian blame and jewish elitism.
a) the palestinians are most certainly, royally, screwed over - what nobody (including they themselves) realizes is that they've done it and continue to do it to themselves. they allow terrorist factions and corrupt "leaders" to keep their lives in the gutter, and they feed their children absurdly hateful propaganda instead of education.
we have no choice but to defend ourselves, and it doesn't matter whether we want to be friends or not. we're not only not responsible for their situation, but we're doing more for them (it's unappreciated, and largely denied) than their own leadership is. or we're trying to, at least. it's not an easy job, when your own propaganda machine is broken.
b) once upon a time, a jewish studies teacher passed along a little tidbit:
how odd of god, to choose the jews! [hilaire belloc]
it was not odd, the jews chose god.
the chosen people? it doesn't mean "automatically better than everyone else", it means "with extra-added obligation to show everyone how its done". and not all of us stand up to that. being obligated to be good examples doesn't make us better, it makes our lives harder. or makes us feel more guilty when we aren't behaving as we should.
as for everyone else: what the hell do you care?! if you're jealous, don't be. just be as good as you can be, and you can "choose" yourself :)
nystire and i had an interesting discussion about taekwondo, while he was simultaneously aggravating me by practising a strike without preparation. one cannot get over one's fears without climbing into a fight unprepared. you can think and train and do whatever you like for as long as you like, if you're not testing yourself against others who are stronger and more experienced than you then you're not likely to improve. there's a very big difference between hitting a focus pad or a punching bag and seeking opportunities to attack while under threat of having your head impolitely removed.
i got a ride to azrieli, and waited for so long for a bus that it would've been quicker to walk. the bus i did take turned out to be a bad one (express), and i was lucky the driver let me off... the bus to ra'anana was jam-packed, and for most of the journey i didn't have enough space to open my book :/
training was great, i've never enjoyed one-steps before, some of the move interpretations were extremely unfriendly, but that's fighting for you. i got a ride with scrapper, and fed, and we had an interesting discussion that turned into the usual. the bus home was comfortable. and i finished a huge chapter :D
i watched an episode of the big bang theory to go with a decent (and surprisingly uncomplicated) mango, and then realized that i've suddenly developed a large, painful lump on the back of my leg - and the paranoia of either a serious bite or a weird parasite to go with it :S
i'm guessing it's time to sleep.
"9am is too early for spandex!"
i was a bit disorganized this morning. i missed a semi-useful bus, and waited 15 minutes for the good one. as it arrived, i realized i'd left something important at home: something that's usually in a place i can't miss, but during friday's unfocused unhappiness i placed a book over it... that was just unfortunate. i made it back there in time for a slightly-more-useful-than-the-semi-useful bus, and arrived *just* as my ride turned the corner. phew!
most of today disappeared in a whirlwind of not much. lots of emailing and explanations, but no actual work. i did purchase the green and black jawbone; it appears to be a fair price and the cute girl's name is daria. you can't say no to that.
the two village-idiot arguments of the day were about palestinian blame and jewish elitism.
a) the palestinians are most certainly, royally, screwed over - what nobody (including they themselves) realizes is that they've done it and continue to do it to themselves. they allow terrorist factions and corrupt "leaders" to keep their lives in the gutter, and they feed their children absurdly hateful propaganda instead of education.
we have no choice but to defend ourselves, and it doesn't matter whether we want to be friends or not. we're not only not responsible for their situation, but we're doing more for them (it's unappreciated, and largely denied) than their own leadership is. or we're trying to, at least. it's not an easy job, when your own propaganda machine is broken.
b) once upon a time, a jewish studies teacher passed along a little tidbit:
how odd of god, to choose the jews! [hilaire belloc]
it was not odd, the jews chose god.
the chosen people? it doesn't mean "automatically better than everyone else", it means "with extra-added obligation to show everyone how its done". and not all of us stand up to that. being obligated to be good examples doesn't make us better, it makes our lives harder. or makes us feel more guilty when we aren't behaving as we should.
as for everyone else: what the hell do you care?! if you're jealous, don't be. just be as good as you can be, and you can "choose" yourself :)
nystire and i had an interesting discussion about taekwondo, while he was simultaneously aggravating me by practising a strike without preparation. one cannot get over one's fears without climbing into a fight unprepared. you can think and train and do whatever you like for as long as you like, if you're not testing yourself against others who are stronger and more experienced than you then you're not likely to improve. there's a very big difference between hitting a focus pad or a punching bag and seeking opportunities to attack while under threat of having your head impolitely removed.
i got a ride to azrieli, and waited for so long for a bus that it would've been quicker to walk. the bus i did take turned out to be a bad one (express), and i was lucky the driver let me off... the bus to ra'anana was jam-packed, and for most of the journey i didn't have enough space to open my book :/
training was great, i've never enjoyed one-steps before, some of the move interpretations were extremely unfriendly, but that's fighting for you. i got a ride with scrapper, and fed, and we had an interesting discussion that turned into the usual. the bus home was comfortable. and i finished a huge chapter :D
i watched an episode of the big bang theory to go with a decent (and surprisingly uncomplicated) mango, and then realized that i've suddenly developed a large, painful lump on the back of my leg - and the paranoia of either a serious bite or a weird parasite to go with it :S
i'm guessing it's time to sleep.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
a little more blood
something reminded me that i really want to see monotonix perform.
i watched another two episodes of being human, and did some shopping in between so i could eat before passing out. i was so tired that i didn't have the energy to wait at the meat counter :P
this sniper prank just goes way beyond any practical joke boundaries. poor bastard.
i have to wait another five days to see yael deckelbaum again - it's been too long :)
i watched another two episodes of being human, and did some shopping in between so i could eat before passing out. i was so tired that i didn't have the energy to wait at the meat counter :P
this sniper prank just goes way beyond any practical joke boundaries. poor bastard.
i have to wait another five days to see yael deckelbaum again - it's been too long :)
350!
only more like a marathon :)
instead of doing 35 symbolic kilometres, we took a wrong turn and pushed it to 43. the funny bit was that i struggled so much for the first 30km, and the last bit saw me getting my wind back and thinking i could do it again!
waking up at stupid o'clock on a non-work morning was a bit difficult, i just couldn't get it together and i was one of the last to arrive at the cinemateque :/
the ride there was fantastic, though - the streets were clear and the morning beautiful, with a wonderful breeze. the bus ride didn't give me much opportunity to nap, though, as we were all being very school-tour-ish.
i had a good laugh when i woke up the guy behind me as we arrived in beit shemesh. he asked me who i was, and i told him - i wasn't as surprised as he was because i'd already overheard that we share the same name, and he thought i was having him on :P
getting prepped for the actual run was strange - everything through a haze of sleepiness and the incredulous state of "am i really about to do this? i trained hard yesterday and the day before" :S
the uphills were killer, the downhills great, the group was a lot of fun, there was a point to it all... the sense of achievement was palpable. i really didn't feel bad that i missed helping the neighbour because i had to eat and shower - i had cereal for breakfast, a pastry when we began and an energy bar about halfway, and i needed just a *little* bit more than that... [yeah, i did have coffee and an energy drink, too]
amusing incident: on the coolest downhill, a policewoman took an interest in us and demanded that we remove our rollerblades and walk until the highway.
yeah, right.
when she eventually realized that that wasn't going to happen, she took to screaming at us to stay on the shoulder of the road - was she that bored?! i think i heard her telling someone to keep his balance, i'm not sure if that meant she was developing a sense of humour or not.
realization dawned on me: the last few weeks i've been suffering from a stuffed nose and a weird chemical smell, and that smell bothered me while on the road. it's the first time i've been able to pinpoint it as being a sensory problem and not something external - i'm fairly certain the el-cheapo [i didn't realize it wasn't my brand until it was home and opened] toilet paper that i bought and use as tissue is the source.
the orange juice at the end was the best i've ever tasted :)
i did sleep on the bus back - unfortunately i awoke with stiff legs and a hurting neck. there were plans for a bunch of us to mission to the port for lunch and a beer, but then people started disappearing and i did that at my place, alone, instead. while watching the rest of final fantasy: advent children (incredible! but last night i passed out in the middle), and i've just watched the pilot and episode one of being human, which is absolutely exquisite - although i have to admit, i prefer both the ghost and laura from the pilot.
instead of doing 35 symbolic kilometres, we took a wrong turn and pushed it to 43. the funny bit was that i struggled so much for the first 30km, and the last bit saw me getting my wind back and thinking i could do it again!
waking up at stupid o'clock on a non-work morning was a bit difficult, i just couldn't get it together and i was one of the last to arrive at the cinemateque :/
the ride there was fantastic, though - the streets were clear and the morning beautiful, with a wonderful breeze. the bus ride didn't give me much opportunity to nap, though, as we were all being very school-tour-ish.
i had a good laugh when i woke up the guy behind me as we arrived in beit shemesh. he asked me who i was, and i told him - i wasn't as surprised as he was because i'd already overheard that we share the same name, and he thought i was having him on :P
getting prepped for the actual run was strange - everything through a haze of sleepiness and the incredulous state of "am i really about to do this? i trained hard yesterday and the day before" :S
the uphills were killer, the downhills great, the group was a lot of fun, there was a point to it all... the sense of achievement was palpable. i really didn't feel bad that i missed helping the neighbour because i had to eat and shower - i had cereal for breakfast, a pastry when we began and an energy bar about halfway, and i needed just a *little* bit more than that... [yeah, i did have coffee and an energy drink, too]
amusing incident: on the coolest downhill, a policewoman took an interest in us and demanded that we remove our rollerblades and walk until the highway.
yeah, right.
when she eventually realized that that wasn't going to happen, she took to screaming at us to stay on the shoulder of the road - was she that bored?! i think i heard her telling someone to keep his balance, i'm not sure if that meant she was developing a sense of humour or not.
realization dawned on me: the last few weeks i've been suffering from a stuffed nose and a weird chemical smell, and that smell bothered me while on the road. it's the first time i've been able to pinpoint it as being a sensory problem and not something external - i'm fairly certain the el-cheapo [i didn't realize it wasn't my brand until it was home and opened] toilet paper that i bought and use as tissue is the source.
the orange juice at the end was the best i've ever tasted :)
i did sleep on the bus back - unfortunately i awoke with stiff legs and a hurting neck. there were plans for a bunch of us to mission to the port for lunch and a beer, but then people started disappearing and i did that at my place, alone, instead. while watching the rest of final fantasy: advent children (incredible! but last night i passed out in the middle), and i've just watched the pilot and episode one of being human, which is absolutely exquisite - although i have to admit, i prefer both the ghost and laura from the pilot.
Friday, October 23, 2009
a day of ugliness
i didn't sleep particularly well, and i had trouble with the shiatsu pillow - it requires another person to assist with placement :/
after double-checking the flyer design and taking care of a little finishing, i stopped in at the art centre next door (a very interesting exhibit, i'm glad i carried on past the stuff at the entrance that really didn't speak to me) and went for my usual morning book 'n breakfast relaxation.
---
right - the day was defined by an extremely distasteful incident that was violent and completely unnecessary. the brass monkey irritant was at coffeeholic this morning, and although i do my friday breakfast there to prepare for training i don't actually want to spend it discussing, well, training.
unfortunately, this idiot was in the zone - he badgered me the entire time with all sorts of "do you know"s and tried repeatedly to get me to let him demonstrate cool tricks to disable an opponent. when i ignored him to dig into my food, he just kept on going. because i know he's around sometimes and i don't actually want to make things awkward at my watering hole, i just let him keep going and tried to focus on enjoying the chef's beef parisian.
just after i finished, he began demonstrating a stance - the chef walked up, and with a smile on his face limbered up and got into a similar stance. playfight? alright. no problems there.
a couple of blocks later, and our hero (the idiot, in case my sarcasm misses its mark) performed a fairly standard block / attack, smacking the chef hard and squarely on the noggin. it may have been open handed, but what i haven't mentioned is that captain retard is a friggin' tank, he's massive (not fat, he's a builder by trade) and he's spent most of his life doing various martial arts (hence the enthusiasm).
the two of them carried on, and it was unclear at that point how serious they were. when he got the chef in a hold the chef pushed him back a few metres, and suddenly our "gentle" giant picked him up and slammed him on the ground, trapping his head under his knee.
regardless of whether these big boys were playing or not, i started shouting at the gorilla to stop: he'd already proved whatever it is he had to prove and the fight was over. i thought he'd listened, because after a second he took his leg up...
the chef made to get back up, and this complete bastard viciously punched him right back down. it happened so fast that all of us were left staring slack-jawed, he swaggered back up to me and immediately began trying to make light of what had happened, making out that he was justified because the chef had attacked him.
the chef was in a bad way - i just discovered now that magen david adom (the israeli equivalent of the red cross) sent him to the hospital in an ambulance... after he reassured me that he was handling (as best as can be expected) and i saw that the other staff were taking care of him, i angrily tried to explain to seƱor psychopath that he'd done something wrong. i realized i was wasting my time, he'd already convinced himself of an alternate reality wherein he was the wronged party.
i'll be glad to bear witness for the chef, i'm really upset by the whole story because he had no way of knowing what he was up against and he really didn't deserve what happened. i actually feel partially responsible, for not getting the asshole off my back before :(
i mean, i made it clear afterwards that i don't want anything to do with him, but it's definitely too little, too late.
---
i came back home, got ready for training and was caught by a neighbour in need of assistance with moving tomorrow. of course, tomorrow i won't be around (350) for most of the day and the evening is too late for her, but i told her i'll try to help if i can. i got a knowing look when a really pretty neighbour walked in and i greeted her - i need to hang around outside more often :P
after a social queueing experience for the atm, i got a quote for the flyers (decent prices, and for once i used the right size and quality for what i need) and had an interesting jawbone planning session with a much sweeter girl than the last time.
another social queueing - i offended someone while trying to be helpful, but the others around us helped me settle things down - for a bottle of coke (i really needed it, the morning's event stressed me out physically as well as emotionally), then i went downstairs for a training session that actually saw me getting hurt: i just couldn't keep my mind in the right place during the fighting.
it's weird leaving friday training when it's already dark. i'm going to shower, have dinner, watch a movie and then get ready for tomorrow's blading. and i'm going to try to deal with what happened today. i'm sure the chef is going to be watching the replay for a while - that's way worse than any physical damage. i still get upset when i think of the last time i took a beating.
after double-checking the flyer design and taking care of a little finishing, i stopped in at the art centre next door (a very interesting exhibit, i'm glad i carried on past the stuff at the entrance that really didn't speak to me) and went for my usual morning book 'n breakfast relaxation.
right - the day was defined by an extremely distasteful incident that was violent and completely unnecessary. the brass monkey irritant was at coffeeholic this morning, and although i do my friday breakfast there to prepare for training i don't actually want to spend it discussing, well, training.
unfortunately, this idiot was in the zone - he badgered me the entire time with all sorts of "do you know"s and tried repeatedly to get me to let him demonstrate cool tricks to disable an opponent. when i ignored him to dig into my food, he just kept on going. because i know he's around sometimes and i don't actually want to make things awkward at my watering hole, i just let him keep going and tried to focus on enjoying the chef's beef parisian.
just after i finished, he began demonstrating a stance - the chef walked up, and with a smile on his face limbered up and got into a similar stance. playfight? alright. no problems there.
a couple of blocks later, and our hero (the idiot, in case my sarcasm misses its mark) performed a fairly standard block / attack, smacking the chef hard and squarely on the noggin. it may have been open handed, but what i haven't mentioned is that captain retard is a friggin' tank, he's massive (not fat, he's a builder by trade) and he's spent most of his life doing various martial arts (hence the enthusiasm).
the two of them carried on, and it was unclear at that point how serious they were. when he got the chef in a hold the chef pushed him back a few metres, and suddenly our "gentle" giant picked him up and slammed him on the ground, trapping his head under his knee.
regardless of whether these big boys were playing or not, i started shouting at the gorilla to stop: he'd already proved whatever it is he had to prove and the fight was over. i thought he'd listened, because after a second he took his leg up...
the chef made to get back up, and this complete bastard viciously punched him right back down. it happened so fast that all of us were left staring slack-jawed, he swaggered back up to me and immediately began trying to make light of what had happened, making out that he was justified because the chef had attacked him.
the chef was in a bad way - i just discovered now that magen david adom (the israeli equivalent of the red cross) sent him to the hospital in an ambulance... after he reassured me that he was handling (as best as can be expected) and i saw that the other staff were taking care of him, i angrily tried to explain to seƱor psychopath that he'd done something wrong. i realized i was wasting my time, he'd already convinced himself of an alternate reality wherein he was the wronged party.
i'll be glad to bear witness for the chef, i'm really upset by the whole story because he had no way of knowing what he was up against and he really didn't deserve what happened. i actually feel partially responsible, for not getting the asshole off my back before :(
i mean, i made it clear afterwards that i don't want anything to do with him, but it's definitely too little, too late.
i came back home, got ready for training and was caught by a neighbour in need of assistance with moving tomorrow. of course, tomorrow i won't be around (350) for most of the day and the evening is too late for her, but i told her i'll try to help if i can. i got a knowing look when a really pretty neighbour walked in and i greeted her - i need to hang around outside more often :P
after a social queueing experience for the atm, i got a quote for the flyers (decent prices, and for once i used the right size and quality for what i need) and had an interesting jawbone planning session with a much sweeter girl than the last time.
another social queueing - i offended someone while trying to be helpful, but the others around us helped me settle things down - for a bottle of coke (i really needed it, the morning's event stressed me out physically as well as emotionally), then i went downstairs for a training session that actually saw me getting hurt: i just couldn't keep my mind in the right place during the fighting.
it's weird leaving friday training when it's already dark. i'm going to shower, have dinner, watch a movie and then get ready for tomorrow's blading. and i'm going to try to deal with what happened today. i'm sure the chef is going to be watching the replay for a while - that's way worse than any physical damage. i still get upset when i think of the last time i took a beating.
they made me cry
i have *just* finished the taekwondo flyer design, and i'm rather proud of it :)
topic of the day:
in the last five years at least, the only times i've cried have been in really sad movies. for all the rest, i've wanted to, but couldn't. today i cried for myself, for my frustration and my anguish and my sense of hopelessness.
today, i failed again. and again, while telling the truth. the difference is that this time it started off great - i cruised through the first round of questioning and didn't skip a beat. after that, i don't know what happened.
the guy who tested me actually impressed me - primarily because he listened and could be brought to understand (a little) how important phrasing is with me. i have to admit, after the test i was really impatient with him - after a couple of times that i cut him short he really let me have it, and that was about when the little-boy-who-needs-his-blankie inside of me cut loose.
i thought i'd need a drink after that, but a good coffeeholic lunch and coffee (shouldn't have, i couldn't sleep afterwards and i needed the siesta) over re-visioning psychology (i've gotten through a lot today, it seems to be a good day for sinking inŹ¢ and i've enjoyed it), and an episode of the big bang theory plus a pseudo-nap had me ready for taekwondo.
training was great - my body seems to be getting used to the stress of stretching and i pushed it pretty far. i think i got a little taller, this evening :P
afterwards, the organizer of last wednesday's game (scrapper) invited me for dinner (he was giving me a ride towards tel aviv anyway), and we had a very interesting talk. or set of talks, we kept switching topic. i caught a bus home (walking off it completely caught up in tool - 10,000 days), and after showering got straight to work. in silence. i'm in a weird mood.
also, i've eaten a lot of cookies tonight.
Ź¢ note to self:
i woke up this morning
held in jung's strong arms
with a worn-out hamilton
contorted in mine
after a night with hillman
who forced himself on me
it's a socially painful awakening
after so long, so fraudulently isolated
in a room full of distorted mirrors
and cheap tricks to keep me lost
i can only blame myself
for entering the labyrinth
my cocksure curiosity
and relentless self-goading
but i am glad to have gleaned the insight:
to always turn right
---
i did say i'd fill in yesterday's blanks:
* door smack reminder
on tuesday, i was leaving the base bus, the left door was jammed and some idiot was blocking the right one. in order to get out of the right side, i had to skirt around him... and as i did so the left door violently unjammed, hitting me really hard in the arm. i carried on walking, registering the contact with surprise after a few steps.
* temporary fix, glued fingers, too late for the weather
i put my glasses together again, and amusingly enough the weather had improved to the point where i didn't need them. i only discovered when i got to base that i had dried glue on my hands - luckily nothing else :P
* missing buses
if i hadn't spent more than thirty seconds looking up a letter in my japanese dictionary (and no, not for anything reasonable), i wouldn't have missed both - and the only - buses that i needed. that sucked.
* gift appreciation
kc's mother called to thank me for the shiatsu pillow - i'm well pleased that she's happy with it ^_^
* the ambulance issue(s)
a couple of months ago i had an upsetting issue with medical fees - the army refused to pay them and i received threats that i'd be sued. i unhappily forked over the cash, and that was that. a few days ago i received another warning, for the same amount, for the same event. or so i thought. it turned out, after much unhappy telephony and extremely unhelpful people, that the fees i paid two months ago were for last year's ambulance - during the entire debacle, nobody had corrected me when i talked about this year's emergency ward visit.
unbelievable. the funny thing is, last year i was in a course, and i was told by the army medical that they would pay the fees automatically, and that i didn't have to worry about anything. they didn't file the report, and now i have to claim back the payment and pass it on to the army.
i really shouldn't have to be making all this effort. and i shouldn't have to be stressing about being sued, either.
* japanese pseudo-buddy
the girl in my section who i have trouble communicating with? she knows a fair amount of japanese - i didn't realize she'd actually taken a course. i think i've managed to get her to enunciate a bit, so hopefully that'll help me improve mine :)
* on health and climate
i find it incredible - i find it incredible every time - that my health is largely affected by the current weather. i felt absolutely dreadful during the heatwave / dust-storm, and the second it cleared up i felt fine again!
* gentle rinse
one of the girls in our unit was promoted, and although we don't usually celebrate girls' ranks like we do the guys (tying them up and drenching them with buckets of water / rotten food / old milk), for this one we made an exception. a few of us, with no prior communication, had appeared in her office conspicuously wielding a bottle of water to congratulate her. she was getting freaked out, and everyone interested spontaneously gathered in the hallway outside...
one of the guys convinced her that it was in her own interests to risk leaving the safety of her sanctum, and we managed to trap her and drench her without any physical contact.
she was a bit upset with me... the water i threw on her was very, very cold }:)
* paper waste
apparently, i've managed to remove myself from a bunch of mailing lists that bring each permanent forcer a monthly pile of waste paper. i've already been asked to pass the details along - perhaps we can make a difference ^_^
* guest flyer-ing
one of the girls from our unit (the one who appears to have a crush on me) came over to my place because we were both going to visit my ex-team-mate and we wanted to buy a house-warming gift together. i had to work on the flyer design, and she proved very helpful. it's always good to have a fresh pair of eyes :)
* fondue shopping
the shopping was fun - not fun was controlling myself and *not* buying for my pad. we found an excellent fondue set, and i had a good laugh at the girl who "helped" us. she was not only clueless, but treated the other customers with awkward disdain.
---
i'm definitely training again later, tomorrow's the 350 (for me, joining a mass blade through the desert), and tomorrow night's gaming night (two confirmed, we'll see what *really* happens), so i should probably be in bed.
from the guardian - a quick and correct take on the goldstone report
surface d&d - very cute
boat behind is a very sweet video :)
i'm back to watching the big bang theory, and just discovered that we both wear fruit fucker shirts ^_^
the path sounds very good - i didn't read it all because it seems a bit spoiler-ish, but the concept is brilliant. and educational.
topic of the day:
in the last five years at least, the only times i've cried have been in really sad movies. for all the rest, i've wanted to, but couldn't. today i cried for myself, for my frustration and my anguish and my sense of hopelessness.
today, i failed again. and again, while telling the truth. the difference is that this time it started off great - i cruised through the first round of questioning and didn't skip a beat. after that, i don't know what happened.
the guy who tested me actually impressed me - primarily because he listened and could be brought to understand (a little) how important phrasing is with me. i have to admit, after the test i was really impatient with him - after a couple of times that i cut him short he really let me have it, and that was about when the little-boy-who-needs-his-blankie inside of me cut loose.
i thought i'd need a drink after that, but a good coffeeholic lunch and coffee (shouldn't have, i couldn't sleep afterwards and i needed the siesta) over re-visioning psychology (i've gotten through a lot today, it seems to be a good day for sinking inŹ¢ and i've enjoyed it), and an episode of the big bang theory plus a pseudo-nap had me ready for taekwondo.
training was great - my body seems to be getting used to the stress of stretching and i pushed it pretty far. i think i got a little taller, this evening :P
afterwards, the organizer of last wednesday's game (scrapper) invited me for dinner (he was giving me a ride towards tel aviv anyway), and we had a very interesting talk. or set of talks, we kept switching topic. i caught a bus home (walking off it completely caught up in tool - 10,000 days), and after showering got straight to work. in silence. i'm in a weird mood.
also, i've eaten a lot of cookies tonight.
Ź¢ note to self:
i woke up this morning
held in jung's strong arms
with a worn-out hamilton
contorted in mine
after a night with hillman
who forced himself on me
it's a socially painful awakening
after so long, so fraudulently isolated
in a room full of distorted mirrors
and cheap tricks to keep me lost
i can only blame myself
for entering the labyrinth
my cocksure curiosity
and relentless self-goading
but i am glad to have gleaned the insight:
to always turn right
i did say i'd fill in yesterday's blanks:
* door smack reminder
on tuesday, i was leaving the base bus, the left door was jammed and some idiot was blocking the right one. in order to get out of the right side, i had to skirt around him... and as i did so the left door violently unjammed, hitting me really hard in the arm. i carried on walking, registering the contact with surprise after a few steps.
* temporary fix, glued fingers, too late for the weather
i put my glasses together again, and amusingly enough the weather had improved to the point where i didn't need them. i only discovered when i got to base that i had dried glue on my hands - luckily nothing else :P
* missing buses
if i hadn't spent more than thirty seconds looking up a letter in my japanese dictionary (and no, not for anything reasonable), i wouldn't have missed both - and the only - buses that i needed. that sucked.
* gift appreciation
kc's mother called to thank me for the shiatsu pillow - i'm well pleased that she's happy with it ^_^
* the ambulance issue(s)
a couple of months ago i had an upsetting issue with medical fees - the army refused to pay them and i received threats that i'd be sued. i unhappily forked over the cash, and that was that. a few days ago i received another warning, for the same amount, for the same event. or so i thought. it turned out, after much unhappy telephony and extremely unhelpful people, that the fees i paid two months ago were for last year's ambulance - during the entire debacle, nobody had corrected me when i talked about this year's emergency ward visit.
unbelievable. the funny thing is, last year i was in a course, and i was told by the army medical that they would pay the fees automatically, and that i didn't have to worry about anything. they didn't file the report, and now i have to claim back the payment and pass it on to the army.
i really shouldn't have to be making all this effort. and i shouldn't have to be stressing about being sued, either.
* japanese pseudo-buddy
the girl in my section who i have trouble communicating with? she knows a fair amount of japanese - i didn't realize she'd actually taken a course. i think i've managed to get her to enunciate a bit, so hopefully that'll help me improve mine :)
* on health and climate
i find it incredible - i find it incredible every time - that my health is largely affected by the current weather. i felt absolutely dreadful during the heatwave / dust-storm, and the second it cleared up i felt fine again!
* gentle rinse
one of the girls in our unit was promoted, and although we don't usually celebrate girls' ranks like we do the guys (tying them up and drenching them with buckets of water / rotten food / old milk), for this one we made an exception. a few of us, with no prior communication, had appeared in her office conspicuously wielding a bottle of water to congratulate her. she was getting freaked out, and everyone interested spontaneously gathered in the hallway outside...
one of the guys convinced her that it was in her own interests to risk leaving the safety of her sanctum, and we managed to trap her and drench her without any physical contact.
she was a bit upset with me... the water i threw on her was very, very cold }:)
* paper waste
apparently, i've managed to remove myself from a bunch of mailing lists that bring each permanent forcer a monthly pile of waste paper. i've already been asked to pass the details along - perhaps we can make a difference ^_^
* guest flyer-ing
one of the girls from our unit (the one who appears to have a crush on me) came over to my place because we were both going to visit my ex-team-mate and we wanted to buy a house-warming gift together. i had to work on the flyer design, and she proved very helpful. it's always good to have a fresh pair of eyes :)
* fondue shopping
the shopping was fun - not fun was controlling myself and *not* buying for my pad. we found an excellent fondue set, and i had a good laugh at the girl who "helped" us. she was not only clueless, but treated the other customers with awkward disdain.
i'm definitely training again later, tomorrow's the 350 (for me, joining a mass blade through the desert), and tomorrow night's gaming night (two confirmed, we'll see what *really* happens), so i should probably be in bed.
from the guardian - a quick and correct take on the goldstone report
surface d&d - very cute
boat behind is a very sweet video :)
i'm back to watching the big bang theory, and just discovered that we both wear fruit fucker shirts ^_^
the path sounds very good - i didn't read it all because it seems a bit spoiler-ish, but the concept is brilliant. and educational.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
it's *NOT* my birthday!
the most important item first: the hebrew production of a midsummer night's dream was mind-blowing: beautiful, inspired, and seriously convincing! the acting and choreography were magnificent, and the production was seriously slick. it was also superbly situated. i didn't even know the tmuna theatre sported a real one, hidden in the back and boasting a really authentic atmosphere ^_^
it was a bit rough following the hebrew - the translation wasn't direct and i was quite impressed by the liberties that were taken and how they maintained the playwright's style . the interesting thing was hitting a shakespeare play that i'm not at all familiar with in a high level of a language that i'm not totally fluent in and still thoroughly enjoying it and getting everything. damn. yeah!
a pity that we finished off in a restaurant whose style i don't like (i compared it out loud to another one that i didn't fancy, and the waitress crept over to chirp that it has the same owners). the guys enjoyed my cringing at the loudness and clapping so much that they convinced our waitress that it was my birthday... bastards!
i'll transfer the rest of my day to a new post, right now i have to focus on sleeping enough before another Big Day. i hope i can chill this time.
* door smack reminder
* temporary fix, glued fingers, too late for the weather
* missing buses
* gift appreciation
* the ambulance issue(s)
* japanese pseudo-buddy
* on health and climate
* gentle rinse
* paper waste
* guest flyer-ing
* fondue shopping
it was a bit rough following the hebrew - the translation wasn't direct and i was quite impressed by the liberties that were taken and how they maintained the playwright's style . the interesting thing was hitting a shakespeare play that i'm not at all familiar with in a high level of a language that i'm not totally fluent in and still thoroughly enjoying it and getting everything. damn. yeah!
a pity that we finished off in a restaurant whose style i don't like (i compared it out loud to another one that i didn't fancy, and the waitress crept over to chirp that it has the same owners). the guys enjoyed my cringing at the loudness and clapping so much that they convinced our waitress that it was my birthday... bastards!
i'll transfer the rest of my day to a new post, right now i have to focus on sleeping enough before another Big Day. i hope i can chill this time.
* door smack reminder
* temporary fix, glued fingers, too late for the weather
* missing buses
* gift appreciation
* the ambulance issue(s)
* japanese pseudo-buddy
* on health and climate
* gentle rinse
* paper waste
* guest flyer-ing
* fondue shopping
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
the chop
i got to base around lunchtime, and the day had developed into the height of its dustiness, sliminess and unbearable brightness (dammit, i need sunglasses!). i force-fed myself, while staring into nothingness and contemplating the earlier irritations, then slowly made my way to my office.
i got my hair cut today. at least i can count the maximum number of army cuts i have left.
i didn't have any coffee this afternoon, but i made up for the lack of external energy with sugar.
i spoke to my mum, and then wr came over for a visit, for a couple of very enjoyable hours. i haven't seen him in a while, and it's been too long since i've spoken to someone on such a similar level :)
i had barely enough time to stuff a sandwich down my throat and get my blades on, but i made it before the group left tonight. it was a good group, and a brilliant route!
two issues:
1. my blades have been hurting me the last couple of weeks, and i don't know what i'm doing differently.
2. there's a stunning russian girl who's usually very distant (or with what appears to be a giant boyfriend), and she sat down next to me this evening... in silence. in retrospect, i should've said something, but i thought about it too long and i just got awkward. dammit.
we went through a religious town, and there were lots of police giving us shit most of the way. those of us at the front missed a bit of action, apparently :P
thoughts for the day:
1. our instructor loved the flyers, now i have to finish them so they can roll out
2. on the other side of the same coin, i've decided to see what i can do about reducing snail-mail spam. i need to get in touch with a member of parliament, apparently.
i got my hair cut today. at least i can count the maximum number of army cuts i have left.
i didn't have any coffee this afternoon, but i made up for the lack of external energy with sugar.
i spoke to my mum, and then wr came over for a visit, for a couple of very enjoyable hours. i haven't seen him in a while, and it's been too long since i've spoken to someone on such a similar level :)
i had barely enough time to stuff a sandwich down my throat and get my blades on, but i made it before the group left tonight. it was a good group, and a brilliant route!
two issues:
1. my blades have been hurting me the last couple of weeks, and i don't know what i'm doing differently.
2. there's a stunning russian girl who's usually very distant (or with what appears to be a giant boyfriend), and she sat down next to me this evening... in silence. in retrospect, i should've said something, but i thought about it too long and i just got awkward. dammit.
we went through a religious town, and there were lots of police giving us shit most of the way. those of us at the front missed a bit of action, apparently :P
thoughts for the day:
1. our instructor loved the flyers, now i have to finish them so they can roll out
2. on the other side of the same coin, i've decided to see what i can do about reducing snail-mail spam. i need to get in touch with a member of parliament, apparently.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
what else could possibly...? shit.
it all began alright, the meeting was fairly smooth and i managed to get into civvies, take passport photos and find the embassy in reasonable time.
i thought renewing would be a simple process, and i was wrong. i need to provide a bunch of details i don't have, and be fingerprinted to apply for an id document i don't need (no computers here, so everything's from scratch).
frustrated, i went back home to change, grabbed the mail and hopped on the bus.
i'm absolutely mortified - the hospital is unaware that i've paid the fees (to the claims company, for may). now i have to prove that i got the receipt - why does everything in this country have to be an ordeal??
i couldn't get hold of the oakley importer, so i called the directory enquiry service assuming that i had the wrong number. they couldn't get me the right one, but were nice enough to put me through to someone who'd never heard of oakleys before.
"who are you?"
"a potential customer"
"what do you want?"
"oakleys"
"oh-clees?"
these are not the droids i was looking for.
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