radio silence

i've been working for my present employer for four months, and for most of those i've been struggling with something that should be pretty damned basic. i've been through countless documents and tutorials and solutions online, the only thing that's worked has only worked when running on a very particular server. nobody's offered me a hand, and on the few occasions that i've posted my code and asked for a review i've received nothing but silence.

so yesterday i asked for another pair of eyes, and this morning i repeated that request - my lead's response was to take over the project and put me on something else. i'm very frustrated that he has time to take over the project, but hasn't been able to spare me a few minutes somewhere along the line to lend me some guidance.

i was excited when i signed on that i'd be working for people with a better understanding of remote cooperation, but i guess i was wrong :/

monday:

chai mitzvah, a fascinating discussion about social laws and inspiring me to see god's evolution along with man through the history of the torah. man is made in god's image, but god is made in man's, and the wrathful, vengeful god from the dawn of humanity appears to develop and mature along with us.

tuesday:

waking up with anxiety because somebody had said something deeply concerning the evening before (trying to enforce certain pronouns), writing (and rewriting) a long letter before being able to return to bed

being with gd for her epidural, arriving late and then waiting for no reason because the receptionist didn't tell us she could go, the doctor making a point of showing me what he was doing and gd feeling a lot of pain (even before he actually made contact) and going into shock

taking mr smear with me to the temple's agm

we're in the car, looking for a parking spot. "did you find a space to live, daddy?"
i was confused, and a little concerned. it took a few repetitions to realize he's confused "lachnot" (to park) with "lichyot" (to live)

wednesday:

waiting at my mom's for the unprofessionals to arrive, showing them how bad the job they'd done was and then showing them the door

mr smear's last day at school, he was pretty chilled about it and of course wouldn't say goodbye to any of his teachers, all of whom were particularly emotional because the school's shutting.

mr smear's second swimming lesson, complete disinterest and responding "no" to everything until i found the right motivation: i told him that paddling is what aquaman does, and he's now really good at it...

coffee with my mom, then home to shower and eat and sleep

today:

around 2am waking up with really bad rls, gd helping me with a painful leg massage

waking up really early to get a couple of extremely frustrating work hours in, effectively crashing when mr smear woke up but gd was out of it so i had to manage him myself until after the nanny arrived. i gulped down some coffee for the disappointing meeting i mentioned at the beginning of this post, then drove through to sea point to meet the president of our congregation for a long and interesting conversation about ideology, judaism, and things we can and should do for the benefit of the community at large. i then drove through to town to pick up the mixer that i ordered a few weeks ago which only arrived today, arranged for the handyman to come and install it soon and realized a bit later that we're not supposed to be doing any work in the apartments for the next month (i'll claim it's an emergency, which it kinda is). i then met with sailor for lunch and coffee and strategy for a couple of hours, then stopped by the mall for grocery shopping and to test a new patent screw length (worked perfectly), then came home and lay down for a bit.

massage tool + pressure point = rls relief (albeit temporary), but later mr smear had an "accident" in the shower (fortunately he jumped out of the bath bucket before it dropped) and i properly put my back out cleaning up... (although i think it's recovered a bit since then)

now i've got a whole bunch of shit to do, and zero motivation to do almost anything. i need a freakin' break.

...

i feel like crap.