sensation dawn

it all makes sense, all of a sudden. not just why i care, because i believe that's an inherited meme from my mother's side, but why i've been subjected to so much *stress* since the 6th grade. come to think of it, it's a much better explanation of why i didn't play well with others, as opposed to "they hated me because i was the kid who brought the stinky goat's milk to nursery school".

it explains why the over-engineered workflow and methodology in my air force post suited me so well, and it explains why i have this need to fix things. it explains why i cannot understand my co-worker's lack of attention to detail. it explains why i can't filter out stupidity and bad behaviour, like excessive honking and people not picking up after their dogs, it explains why i get frustrated when people communicate at cross purposes and argue about things they don't understand. it explains why i have difficulty with tonal expression in both directions. and polygraphs. it explains why it took me so damned long to quit smoking after i became disgusted by it, and why i managed to really quit. it even explains my low-level hypochondria. hell, it explains why i have this thing with repetitive motion and why i get so physically involved with music.

it explains why i think in black and white and straight lines and simplification and why i can't let go of that childish honesty which has caused me so much harm on so many occasions. it explains why i'm obsessive about pretty much everything, including this blog.

...

i *am* an aspie. what made me finally realize it? walking into the office on thursday morning, and feeling my heart sink, to be replaced by a ball of stress when i discovered that our graphic designer had done something that was disorganized and inefficient. why the hell should i care? i'm not the one paying for it. but it's the thought that things can be so simple and that they're not that gets my whole system going. things could be *right* with the world if only all the primitive humans with their incapacity for bigger-picture thought would wake up and work smarter, and think just a *little* bit about the next step.

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thursday was a horrible day, i was completely zombified. mmf ordered a complete redesign of the website in the morning and then couldn't understand why we still weren't finished with the re-integration by the afternoon, when the re-design was performed by a graphic designer with a barely functional understanding of php and who based everything on an old version of the code instead of checking out the latest from the svn.

"you're not going home until this is finished!"
"yes. i am."

just because i'm working for much less money than i should be doesn't make me a slave. and i'm most certainly not willing to pay for other people's stupid mistakes.

...

i didn't have the energy to go to the other office, so i crashed for an hour instead, which made all the difference. i was just fine for drinks with a few of the guys from my class (which now spans about three classes), and i passed out as soon as i got home.

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on friday morning i paid the student union a visit - very interesting - and then met with sorter to climb onto the roof of my apartment and decide on a course of action. it's going to cost me less than a tenth of what the other guy wanted and sorter actually seems to know what he's doing.

between yesterday and today i've rested a bit, run a bit, eaten a lot (of junk, mostly), begun constructing my own settlers of catan board, planned the first class of the orientation course, written a letter to the student union making the case for a student wiki, and pondered a practical zombie solutionfar too much.

running in the rain was awesome.

i've now had my brain blasted by co-conspirator; it's time for dinner, then another protest march, and a bit of work on sorter's project.

and then studies tomorrow! WHOO-HOO!