me me me. finally.

on my way from the office to the bus home a patrol car pulled over and opened the door.
"show us your id"
i did. they then proceeded to search me, thoroughly. when i asked what the problem was, they informed me that it's a dangerous area.
so why the #$@% aren't you looking for bad guys?!
when i remarked that they were taking it too far, i was told that this was because i was stressed and that that was stressing them. i'm a freakin' innocent civilian, and they're patting me down for drugs, checking the lining of my pockets and the inner bits of my wallet (i'm not even sure if they took money or not), examining everything and asking if i take drugs. of COURSE i'm stressing!

and what does it #$@%ing MATTER if i take drugs or not? what the hell is this???

technically they weren't allowed to search me... but the second i refuse they have "legitimate" cause to suspect, and then they could take me down to the station and waste all of my time searching me there instead...

so what value do my rights have, exactly?

---
nine years of my life were spent as a military possession. for the three years of my deferred service i received no military support for my studies and yet still had to sweat for permission to see my family once a year, answer to them for unsatisfactory grades and suffer degrading treatment at the hands of idiot children in uniform because i was never given the opportunity to take hebrew classes.

i spent the next six years suffering because the army has no concept of the basic needs of a "lone soldier" and almost every right of mine was disregarded because i was unlucky enough to be taken in by shitty commanders who were only too happy to take advantage of my innocence.

i must admit, i allowed all of this to happen because i refused outright to let the military primitivism interfere with my ideals and greater understanding of the world around me. i have a masochistic tendency to always try to look at the big picture, and was raised to respect authority, care about what i do and strive to always do the right thing.

a part of "the right thing" is telling the truth, and aside from landing me in all colours of hot water throughout my service, it also put me in a *really* bad position vis-à-vis the polygraph machine, and the ten months of psychological battery i suffered at the hands of our internal security services are burned into the very core of my being. to be regarded as a traitor when i'd always been a model soldier? what kind of a country can do that to its most motivated officers, while the incompetent and the morally questionable are allowed free reign?

finally, after being released from that service i discovered just how few rights israeli citizens actually have and just how "secure" our little military state is; this is now my fourth or fifth run-in with cops being thugs - not including witnessing police brutality at student rallies - and that's a direct result of our government being a controlling force instead of a service to its citizens.

i'm sick of this. unless there's a change in the israeli attitude towards governance, both from above and from below, i have finally, officially, given up caring, and i totally identify with every israeli who has ever told me precisely where i should shove my zionism and my hope for a better future. this IS a shit country to live in. they steal our youth and our idealism and put the country in the hands of whoever's enough of a jerk to take it. every so often we have elections so that another asshole can have a turn to dump on us.

cheque, please.

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"so, where are we moving to?"

whoever will take me. i'm guessing this will take a bit of time, but hopefully i'll figure something out soon. i NEED to find civilization, even if it's only relative. i'm sure all the other places have issues too, but i've finally reached the conclusion that if this is what "our" country has become then it's not ours any more. right now i feel like a complete fool for having dedicated so much of my life to serving what i thought was my homeland. it's not.

the israeli passport demands protection for its carriers from other states; it's ironic that it doesn't grant protection from injustice in this one.