manic to bummed: round trip

this morning began positively, but the problems with the application just became more and more severe, until i felt like i was playing a game with broken controls and dynamic rules.

it got so frustrating that i almost cried. i did shout, and i did hit my desk, and i did giggle nervously and curse the incompetence that i hope is the cause - because if it's intentional then the devil walks amongst us and calls himself "rational". <he hinted>

around the same time as i was going through my ordeal, bt was supposed to be finishing an exam. after a flurry of sms miscommunication i called her, and our chat went from fun to "sorry, i just don't have the energy to talk anymore" (that was me, the conversation was turning awkward anyway).

while stewing over that, i decided (again) "fuck them", and i sent a rather extreme mail to a group of people that really pissed off my commander: my final line went along the lines of "i'm begging you: let me be productive, stop making me use this product".

the rest of the day was completely bipolar, and the last bit of the day was the 8pm ceremony for the day of remembrance. i got home at 9.30pm, got out of uniform, sat with our neighbour and her friend for a few minutes and skipped off to visit bt at work.

i was in a great mood and she wasn't tending the bar, but my mood turned sour after she turned out to be unresponsive and disinterested, and i finished my beer mostly in silence. every now and then she'd look at me and get this big smile on her face, but i couldn't tell if it was genuine or not.

she went behind the bar just as i was finishing, and by that stage i was having difficulty looking in her direction. i was actually considering walking out without saying goodbye, but i caught her eye and she suddenly skipped over, blew me a kiss and proffered her hand, and i have no idea what the hell she's on about.

all i know is that i'm glad that my problem is that i'm too picky and not that i'm emotionally disabled as i'd begun to suspect, i'm annoyed that when i do find someone that i'm interested in i get over-enthusiastic, and i refuse to go through this discomfort even if it is a misunderstanding. i've been upset and brooding since i left the bar.

i was upset to discover that yesterday, when the kid told me not to call him "the kid", he was being serious - i explained to him when i got home that it's used with respect. you can't just undo a nickname, but either way it irks me that he saw it as something negative.