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...

it's not that i'm saying it's not worth it. it's that i'm right now in a headspace where i can't bring myself to enjoy the good stuff because all sorts of crap keeps getting in the way. and i can't stop worrying about the next couple of months of anticipated craziness in spite of knowing that it's neither healthy nor helpful.

this should all be positively exciting; thrilling, even. every now and again i have a moment when i realize what's going on and i get all bouncy and life-like. then the moment passes, and i can feel my eyes and heart harden and morbid determination sets in, taking over everything.

for the past couple of months, my life has been constantly passing before my eyes, in a seemingly-infinite loop. it's like there's a small part of me that just knows that a nervous breakdown is coming. and wants me to have it already. the rest of me just wants to get it all over with, and get to the point i've spent six horrifying years aiming for.

lake, my first girlfriend, kept telling me that i'm too much of an idealist. that a part of growing up that i'll have to face in due course is losing that idealism. i don't know how much of a contribution her saying that has been for my determination, but almost seven years ago (what a frightening thought!) i made a decision to change my life and i've stuck with it.

the problem is that i'm now seeing results of that decision being realized, and i feel like i've ripped through the finish line with a final burst of energy, only to discover that it was only somebody playing a nasty practical joke at the half-way mark. it's just a milestone, my second milestone, and there're many more to come.

and then i get pissed off with myself for being childish and angsty. my life right now, ignoring the lack of sleep, is all good. my living arrangements are superb, i'm making enough money that i have a basic level of financial security, my superiors in the army and at work are more than satisfied with me, and my future's looking so bright,
_____________________!
(come on, fill in the rest of the sentence, it's an o-week special)

the devil is in the details, yeah?

i'm going to shower and go to bed now. i've spent far too much of the day walking and working, and having just one (or two? i think it was only one) drink was more than enough to put me over the edge of sobriety. i'm going to do something crazy tonight - i'm going to put my phone on silent and sleep like an absolute king.