Sunday, July 23, 2017

food relationships

if you could taste the most delicious thing in the whole world, knowing that it would never be enough and you could never be satisfied by just the taste, would you do it? what if you knew it would make you feel bad afterwards?

if you could eat something thoroughly satisfying that tastes good, although perhaps not amazing, would you eat it? what if you knew it would make you feel good afterwards?

i feel like a lot of our relationships to food could be explained by our answers to these questions.

Thursday, July 13, 2017


i have a six-item list of instructions to get my head out of my ass, and i have them in front of me. one item that's not on the list but that appears to be a result of making and using the list is "be present", a little bit of an attitude adjustment is actually taking the edge off the really scary shit and letting me do what needs to be done. i haven't been "now" in two years, it's rather refreshing.

tuesday 11th:

a much improved night having understood that sleeping on my back with our current "orthopedic" "memory foam" pillows is worse than on my side, up a few times with stuffy noses (mr smear too) but generally feeling better in the morning

an improved morning attitude on my part, dropping mr smear off and picking up my new iphone protector (redpepper, it's actually way better than the lifeproof in most ways!) and then coming home to heavy construction noise

apartment hunting, contacting the israeli consulate and receiving unwelcome instructions, picking up mr smear and heading to the gym

new headphones packed into their box with such optimization that you can never put them away again, just enough time for a jog and a shower before racing off to the dentist

almost two hours for an hour long appointment because mr smear pooped and lost his turn, by the time the dentist was ready to see him again he'd had enough, rendering the entire hour pointlessly exhausting

home, then heading out from a fight to see an apartment and the agent turned out to be the mother of the kid whose party we crashed a while back, the place wasn't the best fit for us and an awkward moment was had later when another agent with a property in the same block took my number

a mostly pleasant evening, an efficient bedtime, leftovers and an episode of bojack horseman (not bad, not amazing either), and falling asleep not long into netflix's castlevania (stunning)

wednesday 12th:

up about five times due to weaning failure, angrily giving up on sleeping and starting the day with a puppy documentary which was great until the parts about circus training (fuckers) and the dog bakery (that shit's so offensive i don't even know where to begin, there are people and animals starving ffs)

i dropped mr smear off - he bawled pitifully and i waited a few minutes to get the all-clear before leaving - then spent the following three hours actually getting stuff done. gd and i hunted for our old memory foam pillows, extending the search and finding them in my mom's storage, picked up fluoride tablets and then went to the school to find mr smear playing adorably with his new best friend; it took us a while to cajole and coerce the two before we could get them out of the sandpit and home for a nap

going down, but not without a fight

getting more stuff done, resting a bit, waking painfully from deep sleep to a stressful rush to ready an irritated mr smear for photographs at a talent agency

a very welcoming experience, followed by a quick visit to the cool clothing store next to the building i grew up in, paying the parking attendant before checking out a boardgame cafe before heading home for a not-unpleasant evening

beginning hidden figures, playing a little tekken, strategizing for a personal project

thursday 13th:

an hour and a half of clearing my desk and prioritizing and organizing, including posting this and going to bed.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

in sickness and...

after four days out of action, i've just taken a week's sick leave in order to sort out my life and my priorities. for years i've primarily been reacting instead of acting, and managing my affairs in a haphazard and reckless manner. four four days i've been sick and in pain, and now that i'm starting to come right i'm also starting to see a pattern that suggests that while i may have been hit by the flu, i may well just have been hit by a nerve issue similar to the one i suffered in april. if that's the case i'm in big trouble and something has to change.

as i just told protoplasm, i believe what i need - could i afford it - is a year of shutting myself away and getting all the shit in my head out into code or on paper. but i can't afford it, and it's gotta come out.

monday 26th:

working until 3am for the first time in a while

a couple of wakings during the night but easy for the first time in a week

starting the day with my first coffee in a couple of days and getting some work done, then a big mission to see a pulmonary specialist: i wish we'd been referred a year ago, it turns out that we've been handling mr smear's asthma and allergies all wrong the entire time. AND that the last week's trauma has been the flu, which is why the meds weren't really making a difference; apparently it's a particularly difficult flu to diagnose.

dropping mr smear at home and taking gd to the chiropractor, then back home and arranging for gd's friend to ship our stuff from montréal

nap time, everyone waking up around 6.30pm, dinner and shower time and playtime and bedtime and throw-up-again time

cleanup and bedtime and glow and hating the canada post website

tuesday 27th:

working until 4am, then getting into bed and spending an hour or two anxiously fretting over something that the paediatrician asked about mr smear that i don't think anyone has mentioned to us before - or that we clean forgot - and that should have been taken care of a year and a half ago

mr smear waking up unhappily, by the time he finally calmed down my hip was hurting so badly that there was no chance of me getting any rest

not the best morning, but gd's pancakes and coffee helped. a little reassurance about my earlier concerns, then some great news from my mom (got a call to work for the first time in a year)

a not-unpleasant meeting at the gym to explain why we won't be renewing our contract, then a pleasant while playing in the park before coming home to eat and nap

being woken by a call from a forex broker, gd's conversion programme acceptance, taking mr smear to the hardware store and the chinese store, then doing a big grocery shopping before dinner and a celebratory drink with my mom

SxS's big news!

mr smear beginning to copy new words immediately and unprompted

bedtime, glow, work

wednesday 28th:

working until just before 2am, about half an hour of hacknet, bed

mr smear starting the day early by pointing and crying in random directions, trying (and failing) to find something to watch to grab his attention and keep him near his breakfast, dropping him off at school and coming back home to a bad attempt at turning off my anxiety

work, picking up mr smear, a sudden and violent squishy ejection (squishy is a baby food product) while reading to him on the couch, the setup for a fight, hacknet and work, taking an unhappy mr smear to the park for a cold sunset

work, bathtime, dinner and glow (omg it's so incredibly awful it's brilliant!), awkwardly accepting my brother's dinner invitation, then working through

thursday 29th:

until 3am, minus a brief evaluation of my credit card charges that led me to understand that my bank's been stealing from me for quite a few months now

sophisticated weird dreams, my alarm pulling me out of a parking lot jam we'd been patiently driving out off with great trance music in the car

a serious spasm and nerve pinch in my neck / upper back

dropping mr smear off at school, working, gd trying to fix me before we finally got to the gym; a gentle treadmill jog and some bag work with a trainer who's preparing for a december fight (i probably shouldn't have asked if he was a beginner, but aside from bad form he was smashing the bag with his wedding ring on), then rushing off to pick up mr smear

shopping, lunch, and mr smear refusing to nap when i desperately needed it... of course as soon as we headed off to the waterfront he passed out, after i'd caffeined up with zang

a miserable mall mission with gd and me pressing each other's buttons while hunting basic kids' winter gear and finding nothing, then driving to the chiropractor, then coming home

signing papers for my mom, getting mr smear ready for bed, pulling him out of bed for a last feed and then dealing with a vomit volcano (as horrifying as it sounds)

ordering a credit card with half the interest (those bastards for conning me into the old one), gd's friend sorting out the shipment that i messed up, juggling finances and crashing early to have enough energy to work during the night

friday 30th:

one of those painful nights when sleeping is worse than not sleeping, up and hurting at 4.30am

gd treating me a little, enough to be able to work, and climbing back into bed exhausted just as my alarm went off; pokemon and cashew yoghurt, tantrums on the way out but arriving happily at the school

caustic soda and reading wired at the gym (now that my subscription's run out, i'm finally starting to get through my two year backlog), leaving to pick up mr smear in the pouring rain we were unprepared for

lunchtime not naptime before heading out to the paediatrician in the rain: a pleasant examination, thoroughly relieving my anxiety (yay! we haven't screwed up our son yet!), and mr smear's first blood test which wasn't easy but he was very brave and chilled out almost as soon as it was over

getting through the afternoon, including a walk to the pharmacy with headphones and my own playlist which i haven't done in forever, struggling with my neck and an IT problem at work

an awkward but not unpleasant dinner with my brother and a lot of people, coming home with an exhausted mr smear and watching the season finale of glow but passing out just before the end

saturday 1st:

another tough night for my neck, really struggling in the morning; dropping gd off at the gym and taking mr smear to the park, not finding our playdate because she was at the wrong park, the mother on the seesaw weighing much more than me, the big kids' slides and aggressive little buggers

taking gd to the chinese store, mr smear falling asleep soundly until i bumped his head putting him back in the car and ending any chances of him napping, battlestar galactica and gd's unsuccessful first miso / ramen / fungi experiment and hours becoming wearier while mr smear became more bored and wired, eventually mom visiting for a couple of hours, a long story getting mr smear to eat but winning eventually, then shower and bedtime and taking a moment to be grateful for the end of a very tiring day

finishing night of the jabberwock having thoroughly enjoyed it

chris d'elia - man on fire, hacknet and going to bed feeling much better

sunday 2nd:

a decent rest and a still-sore but not as bad neck, breakfast with octopuses (most intelligent animal on earth), a mission to the sea point street merchants who weren't there, gym with granny (good jump rope, kicking the bag and walking until i solved sudoku), shitty macha latte and a broken new book, then driving to canal walk

i love humanity, i love people, but nothing brings out my inner misanthrope like a crowded mall

mr smear waking up just as we finished lunch, going back to sea point for grocery shopping then returning home to find that someone had defecated in the stairwell

adventure time and hummus before putting mr smear to bed: mr smear's kisses make up for a lot

a little chris d'elia, a little horror, then a good amount of work

monday 3rd:

and restarting hacknet because following the first mission "correctly" makes a later one nigh-impossible

bed by 2.30, up by 7.30, mr smear happily eating his breakfast to vitalic's poison lips, first day of holiday school, gd's haircut (excuse to read wired), gym (some more reading, running and sudoku, a little jump rope and bag work), picking up mr smear in our "active wear", showering and napping while the cleaning lady watched him, watching him during vacuuming, then heading out to the massage therapist

an hour of painful but excellent massage, coming home to mr smear late napping, trying multiple books and howl's moving castle, gd making crazy good sandwiches, mr smear's inexplicable discomfort in the shower (days later and i'm pretty confident he's just messing with me), a difficult time getting him to bed and all of us passing out until midnight

tuesday 4th:

--- our second anniversary! ---

a tough night, up quite a few times, unable to get comfortable with my pillow, the heavy return of sciatica to compensate for the relaxation, and nightmares

up at 5am to work, down at 7am for a power nap, howl's moving castle, dropping off mr smear and coming home to a solid work session

lying down for a bit then going to the gym, another drink that tasted like a barn, reading the first heretic for a bit then picking up mr smear

school hide and seek with the parents losing, needing to swipe wet wipes to change mr smear before picking up gd and going grocery shopping and the "sensitive" ones causing a rash

running into a few people, one of whom gave mr smear milk chocolate without asking first and causing panic (we had allergex in his ready bag, which we very fortunately had with us)

long shopping and everyone tired out by the time we arrived home (nap time!), a busy but generally pleasant evening with howl's moving castle, a touch-and-go bedtime with mr smear taking about an hour to actually fall asleep once he'd been tucked into bed, beginning synchronicity, finishing hacknet and working well

wednesday 5th:

until 3am, sleeping relatively well until 7am and waking up still with a sore neck but much improved

gd's pancakes for breakfast (the usual, and so good!), dropping off mr smear, passing out for an hour or two trying to watch extraordinary: the stan romanek story, waking up to my first coffee (cold) and another round of pancakes (i've lost enough weight that my wedding ring's slipping again) and finally knocking items off my todo list that could easily have been taken care of months ago (that's burnout for you)

picking up mr smear, his insistence on walking me through the primary school, meeting his new friend by the big tree (the two of them walking hand in hand as we left was too cute), potential napping interrupted by a sneeze and a case of the giggles

giving the gym crèche another chance and enjoying a good workout, rushing home to receive something and an hour or two struggling with a tired-wired and naughty little boy; mom swinging by and giving us a bit of a break, chugging a coffee and showering and putting mr smear to bed

a long dev meeting fiddling with ms teams tools, installing vs2017 and checking out octodad (disorienting, but fun), fact checking plant agriculture vs animal water usage because ignorant people have such strong opinions

thursday 6th:

bedtime around 1am... err, 2am and blurry eyed after an installation crash

sleeping soundly but too little, waking up to another crash (vs2017 ftw), a mixed morning with good breakfast followed by inexplicable tantrums, dropping mr smear off with his regular teacher on the way to the holiday class, walking to my mom's to pick up my new credit card (that was fast!), then about to get into work when the fridge repairman arrived to explain how our fridge is fine but we've been fridging wrong

pancakes and tiredness

picking up mr smear, dropping him off at the gym crèche, reading wired and enjoying a turmeric and lentil curry, an impromptu coffee with my cousin who i've been trying to catch for a while

a short nap before the therapist arrived, a good session ending on a sad note, mr smear waking up a little later, a not unpleasant evening and joined by my mom, putting mr smear to bed and realizing just how insanely tired i was

very suddenly feeling thoroughly sick, convinced that it was nervous (then i'd forget that i'd thought that it was nervous, and now i think it was nervous again)

friday 7th:

up just after midnight to purge dinner and undo a day or two's worth of healing in my neck, an hour later suspecting food poisoning

you know you're sick when... in a dream i couldn't recall what year it was, someone eventually said "1925" and i believed them

up and hurling a couple more times, feeling worse as the night wore on; not sure how i managed to get up and drive to the school the first time (i almost passed out from the smell of mr smear's diaper after he'd shoved a hand in there - i'm very glad that he was as horrified by the result as we were), but the second time was all thanks to a combination of panado and zofar

taking gd and mr smear to the gym, trying to rest in the car, walking inside and from the moment mr smear saw me enter being forced to hold him until we left

gd giving me some time to rest before going shopping, mr smear fully energized, the rush to prepare everyone for their first synagogue experience and its predictable unpleasantness (the rush, not the synagogue)

enjoying a surprisingly good warhammer story in the first heretic, receiving a fascinatingly good report of gd and mr smear's first temple experience

gd's burgers and a highly active mr smear, reading a physical local community newspaper before bed

saturday 8th:

up and struggling at 1am, a long night and waking up stiff and sore all over, spirited away and breakfast and coffee

upset over misunderstanding over satellite clusters on an astronomy app

a gym mission, a park mission, a nap, an exhausting afternoon with a two year-old who repeatedly hurt us, mom's visit, assisting my coworker with git, mr smear getting wilder as the evening wore on, eventually putting him to bed quite late

a little more synchronicity before passing out

sunday 9th:

gd and i both up around 3am, i was sore and uncomfortable and struggled until mr smear woke up unhappy, at which point i compressed my discomfort into half my usual space so that he could lie between us; he woke up at 7am, i read to him a little before putting on alice in wonderland and trying to rest on the couch... that ended with being smashed in the face with lego to inform me that he needed breakfast...

survival mode until my mom arrived to take gd and mr smear out while i stayed home and watched stuff i can't normally watch (a hard-hitting episode of vice on meat and water, and the big fat truth)

lying down for a bit, then rejoining gd in the never-ending game of whac-a-mole that is a two year-old, eventually taking meds so we could take him to the aquarium; he had a great time with a bunch of other wound-up kids, then joined us relatively calmly for dinner at col'cacchio's which was really nice. getting some shopping done, mr smear dashing our dreams of him falling asleep before we got home by thoroughly soaking himself with a water bottle, picking up something from my mom, coming home and speeding through the bedtime ritual

milestone for the day: my son has just learned the word "sorry". he uses it just before he does something he needs to be sorry for.

finally watching the sixth episode of american gods, which was awesome, but would've been better with subtitles.

monday 10th:

another long night, though not as rough, really weird dreams including being late for our second wedding in a town with a sci-fi convention and staying in a hotel with revolting barracks toilets; buying a street dog with an app and then being approached by another that was somehow still walking around though it had been sliced in half from nose to tail with its organs (halved) showing but in place, thinking mr smear's stroller had gone down a hill and ending up in a mansion i'd played in regularly as a child; becoming emotional but annoying the new owners, noticing that we all had the same paediatrician

a challenging morning with my head spinning and my lips tingling and unnecessary tension in the house, dropping off mr smear and coming home to an hour or so of sleep, breakfast and coffee and dropping gd off at the acupuncturist

quick finances, rushing past my mom's to pick up something that mysteriously wasn't there, rushing to pick up gd, arriving late and waiting for a few minutes; picking up mr smear and driving straight through the gym

mr smear heartbroken when the little girl left, nap time and meditation time (with gd's help), taking steps towards my south african tax review, clearing a couple of todo items, putting in a request for a burnout-prevention week, mostly enjoying the evening (or at least, enjoying it more than usual) and receiving a visit from protoplasm which ran quite late by our standards... after which we watched betting on zero which is a great documentary about a brilliant form of activism, albeit not particularly well-executed.

tuesday 11th:

holy crap it's almost 2am wtf.

Sunday, July 02, 2017


1. i think one of the biggest problems in modern society is that we equate success with job security. instead of working to make our jobs redundant so we can move on to the next thing, we've been trained to perform the same tedious, repetitive tasks and are left worrying about foreigners and robots "stealing our jobs". i know not everyone is able, but i'm talking about general societal values not personal capabilities.


the "job market" is premised on jobs being things with inherent value that can be filled and traded. "success" shouldn't be based on your performance doing a specific job, or being an expert, etc.

"success" should be measured by how well one applies one's skills to serving society. when you're doing something that serves society, society will be willing to pay for it.

2. it's human nature to presume guilt until innocence is proven, because it's a good short-term safety precaution even though we know that for a society it presents long term dangers. the same goes for how we treat animals: we presume they're soulless, consumable objects until they're proven to be intelligent. this is why so many people are up in arms about dog festivals and whaling, but are happy to eat pigs and octopuses who are far more intelligent and demonstrate emotional ranges comparable to humans.

this observation brought to you by octopus - most intelligent animal on earth

Monday, June 26, 2017

keeping nothing down

friday 16th:

going to bed around 2.30am but not managing to get under the duvet before mr smear spiked a temperature and we couldn't determine whether it was caused by hot pjs and his duvet or by illness

tedious dreams and up a little later than usual

a slow start to the day with uninspiring videos, a mechanic visit on a gorgeous morning, getting a little sprayed oil in my eyes, meeting airplane and family for cooking competition coffee, back home for nap time

a little battlestar galactica, a walk with my mom and mr smear to the lighthouse during a magnificent sunset but turning around as the temperature dropped and the wind came up

a quick shopping and a really nice friday night dinner, mr smear spiking a fever again and throwing up the meds then demanding more sleep-food for a LONG time before we eventually acquiesced; a little man of steel and rls medication before turning in early

saturday 17th:

dreaming hard: military training with mr smear, fighting gym, gd and i swimming against massive waves and using everything we had to climb up to the promenade, a religious army musical number and dirty coffee grounds staining my good pants

reading rainbow, the farmer's market with my sister, nephew and her friends - one adorable new friend for mr smear, one completely ridiculous "health advisor" who my sister trusts for no understandable reason

the delicious vegan cake that made me realize that i really don't need to eat cake any more

straight to my mom's coffee shop for tea with my great aunt and her daughter, an exhausting but amusing chase through the mall and a shrewd saleswoman convincing us to buy an awesome but expensive "friend" for mr smear

coming home praying for a nap and getting nada, a chilly pharmacy run, the prince of egypt, a surprisingly straightforward bedtime

learning the origins of ani couni

rice, marshmallows, man of steel

sunday 18th:

restless but tired, getting up at 5am, setting up my workstation, making a cup of tea and then spending the next hour trying to get mr smear back to bed (about half an hour of feeding, cough / sinus meds and diaper changing, the rest because by that stage he was thoroughly awake) before giving up and beginning the day with the phantom menace and washing dishes (at least now gd appreciates my disappointment in chapters 1 through 3)

nerve pinching, arm weakness, and gratitude: the fact that i walked away (or limped) from my 2014 snowboarding accident was miraculous, and the fact that all i have to deal with is sciatica is a blessing

finally throwing in the towel with the science of star wars, resuming night of the jabberwock which was a breath of fresh air

a long time cleaning the kitchen, then emergency shopping and going back for garlic then going back for mushrooms then going back for milk

does *anyone* find it helpful when the cashier places coins on top of the receipt on top of bank notes???

a pleasant morning hosting my cousins, mom helping to jump start the neighbour's car while his wife went into labour, mr smear falling asleep after everyone left, napping until i awoke with a headache, waking mr smear to go to the car rental agency to extend the contract, returning home for allergy meds then walking down to the promenade for a stunning sunset

bedtime prep, a little bit of trouble getting him to sleep and everyone passing out waiting for the protests and singing to die down

monday 19th:

mr smear throwing up on the bed with no protector (again), and there's nothing like a hyperactive boy at 4.30am stomping on lego like he'll squeeze out more than (daddy's) whine; he was enthusiastically counting, though, and he spent the next three hours calling for his teacher and trying to go outside while i tried to rest but not sleep or cry

coffee to drive him safely, a quick and painless drop off, getting good work accomplished and hanging paintings, taking a first step to improving our cleaning lady communications, picking up mr smear, and almost waking him during the drawn out drama of getting him to nap

night of the jabberwock and ramen, a short nap, failing to feed mr smear, gd hurting herself in an entirely unnecessary rush to playdate with a family downstairs; the kids having a great time, the parents getting along and only a few stressful incidents (we got over the small stuff like mr smear rolling in dirt fairly quickly)

shopping, home for bedtime prep, being utterly exhausted and incapable of joining in an interview, indulging in chocolate milk, chocolate and marshmallows, reading a little more and finishing superman: man of steel... the writing failures were obvious and easily remedied, but it was so much fun to watch it really didn't matter

the surprise story of my brother-in-law's steak surgery

making progress, but interrupted constantly by mr smear's struggles (coughing fits)

tuesday 20th:

turning in relatively early
generally restless

things non-praying people pray for at 4.30am: that their children have actually gone back to sleep and not just for five minutes

sleeping uneasily until the alarm, dreaming:
1. standing on a futuristic tank with a magical yellow force field protecting it, the enemy attempting to get at me with a poisoned cake
2. running down stairs with gd and mr smear and him falling many floors down to a hard surface; by the time i got down there he'd been taken to the hospital and was apparently doing alright
3. steampunk / magic expo, needing to stow any tech for security reasons and placing my watch in the box but everyone was in a hurry and i'd need to copy encryption mentally in order to lock it; a wild chase through the expo to escape a witch i simply couldn't hide from

an unpleasant morning, working well, mr smear needing a change and grabbing other kids' food as i rushed to get him to his doctor's appointment; apparently nothing more than allergies (again), stopping by piazza st. john's for a great lunch and some book shopping before mr smear threw a proper tantrum in woolworths. not only did a well-intentioned clerk interfere at the wrong time (i had to tell her "please don't" a few times before she backed off), and a wheel locked after i finally got him in the stroller and smacked into a trolley a man was resting his head on, but when gd came out and the tantrum was still going she whipped him out of the stroller and instantly undid all my efforts.

mr smear acknowledging his behaviour both by saying sorry, and then by saying "naughty" when he hurt gd and that's a word we never used before

big anger that wouldn't go away

trying to soothe it with some hacknet before mr smear woke up, getting through the evening and a call from an enthusiastic recruiter - i don't know how many times i've been pitched the same company - eventually putting mr smear to bed then picking him up to administer asthma meds, his response being to hurl everywhere

watching gringo, the john mcafee documentary

working hard into the night, struggling to find a node rabbitmq package that works

wednesday 21st:

the joy of being dragged out from a warm duvet at freezing o'clock in the morning when you're nowhere near alarm time and your child wants to play

breakdancing videos and eating his unwanted breakfast, dropping him off at school and hitting the hardware store, returning home to some "me time" (hacknet), dropping gd off at the acupuncturist, coming home, picking her up and driving out to the car rental agency again to pick up a license disc; back to the school in time to park inside and pick up smoothies, gd's was delicious and mine tasted like kale-flavoured water scooped up from a field

picking up mr smear, visiting three supermarkets before giving up on finding the groceries we were looking for, stopping at home for a quick nap (mr smear's, we had ramen and tea) before heading to the temple to meet with two rabbis and resume gd's path to converting. during the course of a few conversations it's become clear to me that the "progressive" movement in judaism is the one that embodies the original principles of jewish history, faith and philosophy; i've complained for decades that "orthodox" has lost its way and i'm glad to find a home for national / religious ideology.

an interesting meeting, dropping gd and mr smear off at home and borrowing my cousin's drill and buying the second-to-last panel heater in the store and installing it and taking soup and jelly to my mom and picking up a phone she needed help with while avoiding contact with whatever she'd been down with

home, gd's amazing leftover concoction, mr smear naughty but adorable (i couldn't help but laugh at his scarily realistic fake cries, between which he giggled hysterically)

stabilizing bedtime, duct-taping the balcony door, two hours of meeting and presenting my work

thursday 22nd:

a nightmare of coughing becoming throwing up everything including the allergy meds to the point where we headed out in the cold, wet and windy night to the hospital; entering the emergency unit immediately rendering me semi-conscious, weak and on the verge of passing out, when we walked out two hours later i immediately felt better (still tired, but functional)

back home in the rain (with help from a security guard and his umbrella

about two hours of sleep before the nightmare resumed, mr smear still struggling and us exhausted to the point of hallucinating; returning the drill, dropping off mr smear at school for the last half hour once we were sure he'd be okay, picking him up and getting his mid-year report (we're super proud, but we were anyway, and the teacher requested that if we have any more kids we bring them to her as well), leaving gd for an acupuncture appointment and hitting the bumper when parking, a good treatment screwed up as i returned home to gd who'd been struggling alone with his worsening symptoms and rushing him to see the doctor, another medication change and getting mr smear sorted out and sleeping very early

getting excited for SxS's last few days before his kid's born, eating and crashing as soon as possible

friday 23rd:

another vomiting episode at 5am, but other than that mr smear and i both slept through until 9am, and of course he woke up warm and with green mucous and of course the pulmonary specialist could only see him on the following monday so we braced ourselves for a surprise double-long weekend

aiming for the bucket, mr smear refusing to be held by anyone but me, gd making a huge brunch instead of separate meals, applying for her conversion programme, trying to get some work done during nap time

after many hours struggling with node and rabbitmq, finally getting it to work and it's really simple :/

a chilly attempt at a walk, mr smear throwing up just as i was putting him in a swing

skipping my first evening in shul, a clingy mr smear refusing gd's dinner, a long goodnight and a shower forced by a particularly uncomfortable (for all of us) bowel movement

relatively short goodnight, dinner, chocolate, marshmallows and the end of gringo (holy cow), working until i felt myself tired and a little confused, then holding mr smear for more than an hour's coughing fit until his second cough med dose kicked in

saturday 24th:

up at 4am and suddenly feeling violently ill, mr smear up at 5am for a full family register of sick people

a couple of hours of mr smear stretching out my shoulder in a painful and interesting way, jumping up dizzy for an irrelevant alarm

mom coming over to help out, a day spent resting and feeling like crap

eventually getting mr smear into bed and watching a couple of episodes of battlestar galactica before crashing

sunday 25th:

1am party two floors up waking everyone and after two minutes banging on the door i get a "we didn't realize", followed by traumatizing mr smear with cough syrup and at least half an hour of tantrum that ended in him throwing up his dinner

mom helping out again in the morning, followed by me taking mr smear out for an hour or two to pick up diapers, learn how to dribble a ball, swing gleefully, go down a slide without climbing up it first, borrowing a bike and breaking a wheel by taking it off-road, ruining a long romantic moment with a cute girl by coughing in her face, then coming back home to a long wait for mr smear to nap

a great nap, a little work, mom coming over again and her visit ending with mr smear hurling his day's eating all over her... and then once again hurling after i tried feeding him again post-emergency shower...

an unpleasant long goodnight, finally sitting down and getting tricky work done, watching the human experiment in the background and being surprised to find that it wasn't a bunch of crap

Friday, June 16, 2017

storm breaking

monday 5th:

a pretty good night, a comfortable start to the day, working and feeling healthy while gd organized the new dresser, picking up mr smear and doing a big shopping mission, then home to try and rest before gd's hair appointment and my interviewing a potential new employee

waking mr smear from a deep sleep and getting gd there just on time, finally finding unframed ice cream - great product, really poor signage - and mr smear refusing to try the absurdly good macha tea flavour until the cup was empty and he attacked the meager remains in a pathetic display of regret

home late for a meeting that had already been postponed, feeding mr smear and working on an interesting new side-project, a short visit from my mom and bedtime prep, a little bit of a struggle to get him to sleep and an episode of the second season of f is for family while feeding myself before digging back into work

tuesday 6th:

a scarily convincing paypal / spotify phishing scam, reviewing shitty sales material while designing an in-house solution for a licensing server, getting to bed at 2am and "enjoying" about four disrupted hours of rest, up early for dinosaur train and self-applied cashew yoghurt before dropping mr smear off at school and coming home for a couple of hours of rest that felt like i'd been dosed with morphine without the brainless side effects
picking up mr smear, stopping quickly at home for a forgotten ready bag, stopping at the rental agency to pick up a car door lock lever then continuing to canal walk to return something, buy something, discover the games arcade, eat lunch (and have mr smear smear half of it across the table) and go home to pre-storm groceries and a little boy who refused to nap

the aggravated return of the acid reflux after two months "hiatus" [*i'm* amused by that pun, at least], doing dishes and juggling books until dinner, then bedtime prep and battening down the hatches

interviewing (successfully) a new teammate, f is for family, getting some work done while the storm finally broke

wednesday 7th:

in bed around 3am, barely any rest again, some crazy winds and a day of blessed rain leaking in our windows (along with the cold, but the panels i installed are doing a great job), mr smear a little bored but generally alright and the three of us getting through the day with gd's comfort food and a little work and mom's visit

a couple of moments worrying about all the things that i haven't been taking care of

f is for family interrupted by a message asking why i was late for a meeting, minestrone soup gone bad, a little tekken before work

thursday 8th:

working until 2am, a cold and tough night and waking up to a particularly unpleasant morning (dishwasher issues); work and finances, confirmation from a professional that our window installation is inadequate (cheap landlord), mr smear napping when we got home, two hours of kitchen duties and the surrounding drama, receiving acknowledgement from my previous mobile carrier that they've owed me money since december

i wish i'd learned about years ago

a post-office / shopping run with mr smear and his impossible-to-get-on shoes that he sneakily kicked off in a store, picking up post that specifically said it wasn't there (glad i didn't go to pick it up first), sold out cashew yoghurt, mr smear singing to all the world, a shoe tantrum in the car and carrying everything including mr smear who was carrying another box with a weak left arm (i still don't know if it's a nerve thing or a tendon / muscular thing)

just getting through the evening, mom's visit and gd's peanut butter soup, mr smear falling asleep easily and us following suit

friday 9th:

catching up sleep with the usual interruptions

work, picking up mr smear, him napping soon after we got home and me getting kicked out of my "office" by the cleaning lady and resting a little before going to my acupuncture appointment; very interesting appointment, dreaming with no rls, and being left in a relaxed state that would only wear off enough for me to be functional the next morning

a family walk, a sunset red with the fires from knysna, friday night dinner with my mom (an uncooperative mr smear), f is for family (season two gets progressively more serious than funny) and crashing early

saturday 10th:

up early, the dark crystal and gd making slime (long story short, a great idea in theory), mr smear's early nap and my second coffee allowing me to get some important work done, a visit to the aquarium (taking a long time getting there, and arriving with a shit cup of coffee that wasn't what i ordered), a fun visit and mr smear finally crawling into the kids' exhibits, a big shopping on an eerily quiet afternoon in sea point, occupying mr smear with dr horrible's sing-along-blog, mom's visit and me purchasing myself an early birthday present with seasons one and two of battlestar galactica, mr smear's bedtime followed by some downtime

omg bg is even more brilliant second time around, a little twelve monkeys and the rest of f is for family - that awkward moment when you want to rate a series one star because you're upset that it ended

sunday 11th:

nasty rls for a while, stretching, reviewing a couple of children's books, returning to bed still struggling a little

not a lot of sleep, mr smear up early and gd hurting herself and the first couple of hours of the day generally unpleasant

driving out to the play shed to crash a birthday party for a play date, meeting some nice people and mr smear having a ball, a few awkward moments and then a long detour on the way home, mr smear falling asleep, me getting some work done before my sister arrived for a lovely afternoon visit, my mom's frustration at having failed to get hold of us for various reasons, mr smear being busy but amusing, a bit of a struggle getting mr smear to bed, finishing leftovers and working a while

monday 12th:

a couple of times up in the night but he slept in long enough to allow us an extra fifteen minutes (glorious!) and a quick shopping run

dropping off mr smear, coming home and diving into the last piece of my rabbitmq puzzle, picking up mr smear (some of the other parents seemed a little cold to me), getting mr smear home and finding him completely disinterested in multiple offers of a nap. finishing the rabbitmq puzzle, trying to entertain through tears of exhaustion, a visit from someone my brother knows and the hilariously awkward moment when we realized that he'd lied to her about something - a ridiculous lie that had us all embarrassed on his behalf. getting through the afternoon, including a fight with aliexpress (i made the mistake of trying to purchase some iq puzzles, they took the payment and then informed me that for "security reason" i needed to upload all sorts of private documents. i've now learned my lesson)

late coffee, blackboard wars is like a gritty version of dangerous minds where the white teacher and the principal really aren't amazing, a little twelve monkeys in between and then a good few hours of work

tuesday 13th:

mr smear had skipped his nap and received an antihistamine dose that gave us a good night's rest with only one feed, him waking up hungry to rick and morty on a miserable morning, the car taking a long time to start when we were already running late

dropping off gd, dropping off mr smear, picking up gd, passing out for an hour or so, working, picking up mr smear, everyone gobbling down gd's homemade hummus before mr smear and i went down for a nap

coffee and coding before driving to the hospital for a two month follow up, a slow truck on one road and construction on the other inspiring me to open waze and learn that they've disabled typing when movement is detected (good for them)

good news, i guess? i didn't really follow how requiring 15mg of PPIs is progress when i barely needed them before, but whatever. mr smear sleeping four hours and giving me excellent work time - i actually managed to get in more than a full day's work before bedtime - followed by a walk outside to find a hardware store (both closed before 5.30pm), shopping, dinner and a visit from my mom, bedtime prep, and then an hour of tears and frustration putting mr smear to bed which turned south as i was supposed to be joining an important meeting... fortunately that was postponed for other reasons, but i didn't know that at the time.

work, the big fat truth, a little email clearing and

wednesday 14th:

bed at 12.30am, "dropping the soap" (literally, the rls bar hitting the floor scaring the crap out of me) at 5am with the city blanketed in deep fog, mr smear sleeping through, long office dreams

invader zim and cashew yoghurt, another wintery, foggy day; trying to get my papers in order but installing heating panels and hunting down hardware instead; using gd's appointment as an excuse to walk down to buy cashew yoghurt

on the way i picked up a cup of delicious vegan soup, and i still had a tiny bit left when i picked up mr smear; hilarity ensued as he couldn't get enough of the stuff, for five or ten minutes the teachers and i laughed uncontrollably as he tried every which way to extract the last drops, most of it staining his forehead and cheeks a bright turmeric yellow

home, gd's wildly successful third hummus attempt and mr smear going down for another long nap while i installed panels at my mom's; home (ramen and supergirl), then taking mr smear with to my cousin's to return his drill and discuss recruitment with his wife

coming home late in heavy fog (dangerous roads, a couple of near-misses) for a delicious but messy dinner (we can't trust mr smear with spoons yet), bedtime prep, a positive weekly meeting, supergirl vs the big fat truth, early to bed

thursday 15th:

mr smear and the spoon of yoghurt, dropping him off less late than usual, working most of the next couple of hours, twisting my knee while picking him up, trying not to laugh in his face when he cried because i accepted his father's day gift to me, failing to get him to nap and trying to work and generally being exhausted

tension headache to go with my knee

breaking weaning protocol and a half an hour deep napping, a chiropractor visit and occupying mr smear by turning a polystyrene cup inside out followed by a visit to the waterfront

mr smear pushing all my buttons on a day when i already lacked the patience - if my boy had done that sort of thing as a member of my generation he'd have been thoroughly beaten, and he would have been far too young to even understand why - some frustrating shopping experiences, lego and fudge to try to make it better, a tough food court dinner and mr smear's grand finale screaming right in my ear while i was strapping him into the car seat, which hurt my ear and made me angry which upset the rest of the evening.

a difficult-ish bedtime around 9pm, then signing on to a call with the big boss that lasted an hour and a half and had the pleasantly surprising outcome of my design and strategy being met with complete agreement and much appreciated praise. i followed that with an hour or so of me time, including this posting, and now...

friday 16th:

it's back to work.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

tired, tired, tired...

sunday 28th:

waking up still thinking about awesomenauts - it's just like league of legends but simpler and more fun

getting ready for bed and feeling pretty good but mr smear waking up for an hour or two of snotty noses and leaky diapers and crying for breastfeeding which sucked all the life out of me

waking up broken, dinosaur train and crash bandicoot and struggling to get through the morning and mom coming over for her two days early birthday present and helping me install a panel heater and gd's brilliant lunch

i realize now that my son has quietly, patiently spent the past few months manipulating the skin on my neck so that he can finally grip it in his fist

fallout 4 freebie - i lost an hour or two to it and it's GOOD.
daleks and mom's visit for tea
mr smear's allergies getting worse
home exhausted and out of tissues when the supermarket were closed

a tough evening, feasting on leftovers and watching a good chunk of get out before passing out

monday 29th:

another difficult midnight session, some good rest until morning

finishing get out - the third great movie in a week and the second with flawless writing

installing two heating panels at my mom's, then coming home in time to take mr smear to see the doctor, returning home hungry and getting mr smear to eat gd's végépaté

a long afternoon with a short nap, awkward park and social shopping and mom's visit and a surprisingly quick bedtime (skipped breastfeeding)

mr smear breathing easy for the first time in days after we discovered that we'd been giving him lower doses of his allergy meds than he needed

twelve monkeys series and rls and passing out on the couch

tuesday 30th:

a pretty good night, but dragging myself out of bed at 5am with the foghorn sounding was a struggle

a little work, then breakfast, dropping off mr smear and coming home to work and even get in a little game time, dropping off gd at the chiropractor and picking up mr smear; him smashing his head up into my jaw and consequently my biting into my already sore tongue, our friend paralyzing him with tickling, his hand-in-hand climbing stairs with a little girl from his class and using her to pull himself up and her falling backwards (we caught her, though), picking up gd and returning home just in time to be late meeting my mom downstairs to move the car seat and head to col'cacchio's in town for mom's birthday lunch with my sister

a delicious lunch, and although mr smear was busy and naughty they made the experience a lot more manageable

a quick run past baby city, mr smear napping while i worked and then producing a fair amount of background noise while i spoke with a colleague

computer struggles, an insanely gorgeous sunset and gd outdoing herself with dinner: she made delicious food before, but since going vegan her dishes have become consistently outstanding

feeling dizzy and disoriented when blowing my nose (neck nerve pinch?)

the beard trimmer cutting out a quarter way through my shave (good thing we had a spare battery, all our rechargeables are in use), mr smear's bedtime routine

neck trouble and dizziness but otherwise feeling really good, too tired to watch even something as good as the twelve monkeys series

wednesday 31st:

rushing mr smear to my mom's in his pyjamas in the heavy mist because we couldn't get our car out the broken gate and we were late for gd's acupuncture appointment; picking up mr smear and rushing him home to the cleaning lady; eating his unwanted maize meal and rushing to pick gd up, dropping her off at home and rushing to see the therapist

an interesting and productive session, after we were done i asked if she'd like to hear where my depression goes and she seemed to appreciate hearing it

hungrily finishing off all the leftovers, settling accounts and trying to get some work done, getting through a long afternoon with dizziness and a scratchy throat, watching a bit of the latest american gods episode before our amazon prime trial ends (no way are we renewing, even if the selection was better the tech is shitty and paying per year instead of per month is just silly)

worsening neck / back discomfort

coconut yoghurt smoothie (great, but not so great that we'll take it again) / aquarium (last ten minutes) / incredible sunset sky / an unwanted falafel wrap but a fun service experience (mr smear attracts good attention)

an embarrassing attempt at winning a prize by hitting a punching bag with a sensor - i don't know what it was precisely (although i have a couple of suspicions) but i know i usually hit hard, certainly a lot harder than what i did there

a shitty shopping experience and an uncomfortable drive home and some exploding tension on arrival before struggling with the end of the day bedtime prep

coffee and ibupain to get through a meeting, american gods and marmite crêpes and chocolate and bad rls for a short while, a few hours shifting between work and transferring spotify playlists to google play

thursday 1st:

1am bedtime, but getting next to no sleep because mr smear wasn't in the mood

a relatively peaceful morning, completing the move to google play and spending some quality time with mr smear, then some fun getting out of the parking lot (asshole cleaning his car needing two spaces to be in the shade)

stopping at game in town: an olfactory attack and heavier shopping than planned, another idiot making leaving my parking space difficult. gd's first time in the gardens center, enjoying supporting my mom's new venture and being impressed by the pick 'n pay - being impressed by the whole mall, actually - and then leaving on an irritated note due to another shitty parker and a pushy trolley guy

back home for nap time, restless with a stuffed nose and a sore neck

delicious wraps and food issues and insulting avocado tales

a gorgeous sunset walk with mr smear, running into the guy whose apartment we almost rented and his kids, a great evening until the home-time tantrum, showering with a hookless head and a huge, delicious dinner

an easy bedtime, my mom coming over for a drink to her first day running her coffee shop and informing us that my sister just had a successful interview, 10pm out

friday 2nd:

1am unpleasant awakening, a little bit of studying then back to our regularly interrupted sleep until the cleaning lady arrived

a little work (changing my opinion of wcf a little), then the hunt for a missing masonry bit, buying a replacement and a new new shower head, installing heating panels (and wishing i'd done it a year ago) and an awesome hummus session with my son and a couple of large wraps, then him harassing me while i clipped in the cables so he'd leave them alone

exhausted, but pushing through: negotiating a satisfying deal on a welsh dresser, then taking mr smear to the park, the trouble brothers and dirty diapers and classmate collaboration

mr smear singing and entertaining for the entire duration of a quick shopping mission for tofu and cashew yoghurt, friday night dinner with furniture rearrangements

saturday 3rd:

an early start but fairly comfortable, getting stuff done (including a visit to the hardware store) before heading out to the vegan market - it was too windy, but the selection was significantly better than usual; sailor joining us, mr smear joining me in the insanely delicious macaroons but not the beautifully spiced chickpea curry rottis, returning home expecting a storm but it only broke later and not for nearly as long as we'd have liked

a little bit of nap time on returning home - well used but could have used more for sure - then watching joseph: king of dreams (good retelling, but really poor songwriting) in an attempt to occupy mr smear (not so successful), then with dr horrible's sing-along blog (better success), prepping mr smear for bed and leaving him with my mom, taking her car to cavendish in the rain (misted windows and i couldn't figure out the a/c, wiper or seat adjustments)

meeting sailor and his cousin and thoroughly enjoying wonder woman: it's got many flaws, the israeli accent becoming more pronounced in one scene bothering me in particular, but nothing that detracted from a great comic translation that makes the character cool and exciting

coming straight home (minor detour for road works) and saying good night to my mom

sunday 4th:

starting catfight thinking we'd go to bed soon, but for a stupid "whatever" film it's surprisingly engaging, going to bed at 1.30am just in time for mr smear's delayed night feeding

not a bad night, but up early and with music player issues that escalated quickly, back to spotify and then eventually settling on deezer. deezer seems awesome.

friends coming over for a brunch playdate, gd preparing delicious food that everyone wolfed down and the kids having a grand old time. mr smear napping for a bit soon after they left and giving me an opportunity to get a little rest while gd tidied and organized the new dresser, then entertaining mr smear and eventually taking him out for a walk that was cut short by the cold wind; an evening setting up deezer playlists and prepping mr smear for bed, then finally finishing catfight and being shocked that we were giving a movie with such a ridiculous premise a five-star rating.

now i've done a little cleanup of my desk, and i'm going to do a little work and then get to bed early.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

eyes of the storm

sunday 21st:

not enough sleep, waking up from dead dreamlessness
a horrible morning, but a good moment in the eye of the storm and mr smear and gd starring in "conversations with wookies"
the vehicle tracking company picking me up as illegally starting the rental car
mr smear needing help on the slide and me storming out the playground
trying and failing to stream beauty and the beast, settling for shannara
exhaustion striking minutes before mr smear woke up from his nap
my painful cracked tongue (finally getting better now, a week later)
coffee for reading took me through walking mr smear on the promenade, his shark pants amusing a lot of people while we enjoyed a stunning sunset
mom coming over for a visit, showering and prepping mr smear for bed: bedtime in two parts, the first having us laughing at his vacillation between crying and singing
resuming shannara then remembering that american gods episode three was out, watching most of it and then passing out

monday 22nd:

waking up early, shooting out a stream of consciousness inspired by a great article about chris cornell and depression, spending a couple of hours in an IP detection rabbit hole

i don't understand how it's possible that nine times out of ten i'll try to go to the bathroom in the early morning and mr smear will just *know* and wake up, it doesn't matter if it's 1am, 3am or 6am and i'm not making any noise

an hour of perfect sleep and then getting into trouble for snoozing my alarm

a few hours of work, picking up mr smear, putting him down for a short nap and watching american gods, then entering survival mode through a visit to the chiropractor and until the evening

mom coming to help out, trying to take advantage by resting but instead obsessively editing my earlier stream of consciousness into an actual poem that i'm proud of

logan! we watched most of it before passing out, not without minor flaws but absolutely brilliant nonetheless.

tuesday 23rd:

up at 5am but not particularly productive, mr smear waking up super cute, dropping him off and coming home to pass out for a couple of hours then get through a painful level of super meat boy before picking up mr smear; he and another kid didn't want to leave and we ended up chatting with her mom who now feels bad for forcing her kid to eat meat...

a pleasant afternoon, mr smear napping enough to give us space to breathe
gym, sunset walk, mr smear covering his mouth when he coughed

dinner with a still sore tongue, standard bedtime, finishing logan: the bad writing of the kids running through the forest got under my skin, but otherwise what an awesome film!


wednesday 24th:

until 1.40am, going to bed with a sense of accomplishment

terrible sleep and a crazy coughing fit, dreaming stealing candy from the spider's web in the field and then going away, the spider turning into a bunch of creepy children with their teacher and tracking us down, finding us just as we settled and after we'd eaten the candy; i asked them to let us buy them $5 of candy from each of us and they agreed, and a couple of us went to the store. rows and rows of popcorn flavouring and a man telling his friend that if they became store members he'd try every flavour in a month, we then struggled to weigh and price the candy and just as we finished i realized that we'd only gotten sour candy so i went back looking for sweet as well. suddenly it was closing time and my guys had weighed and paid already so i had to cover the extra sweets on my own...

... and then we woke up and mr smear danced to my alarm (vitalic - poison lips) on the bed before getting up and slamming his finger in a drawer which put him into a "cry mode" that lasted well after the pain had subsided (although in his defense, that took a long time)

dropping him off at school then coming home to breakfast and watch american gods, interrupted by the arrival of the therapist. i went to my mom's to work (and got into trouble for putting the toilet paper the right way around) then picked up mr smear and came home; american gods while he napped and galaxy quest when he woke up

my cracked tongue appearing to improve, an aborted mission to the aquarium and some shopping before returning home for dinner with my mom - which would have been a lot more pleasant if my québécois accent hadn't offended gd

test server setup, beauty and the beast, in bed at 11

thursday 25th:

unhappy morning, with significant improvement just before leaving to pick up mr smear

an unintended but pleasant coffee when borrowing my cousin's drill (the company, not the conversation), nap time and finishing beauty and the beast

an evening visit to my uncle, mom swinging by for a short while, falling asleep on the couch watching the truth about lies while everyone else recovered from the bedtime installment of the weaning process

friday 26th:

waking up at 5am and starting my day dealing with potential hacking / malware and implementing something that i'd thought i could leave for later

up at 7am with a hangry boy and getting him to eat a bit of maize meal before his first feed

water restrictions - johannesburg - french - seashells - late fathers - passports

dropping off mr smear and not staying because i was told to be home half an hour earlier than i needed to be, a little work and an angry ride to the acupuncturist, stopping to stew at the pavilion, home for a little work, back to pick up gd and chat before picking up mr smear; short nap, exhaustion, park

a pleasant park experience minus two incidents where i just missed saving the day (one minor, one a two year-old climbing backwards off a ledge over my head)

friday night dinner (delicious, and i ate too much), mr smear crashing before his shower (we managed to sneak in brushing his teeth, at least), then being too tired and crashing on the couch

saturday 27th:

waking up to 2010's dr who (best i've seen yet), a big breakfast and a little work
canal walk shoe shopping (unpleasant), lunch (pleasant), and singing my new version of "row, row, row your boat" until mr smear passed out
coming home with an extended nap and using it to work, then going out for a walk and just missing a gorgeous sunset before it turned uncomfortably cold

ordering pizza again, and again it taking too long; col'cacchio's pizzas are good but their delivery sucks and while we didn't have to pay for it the experience was uncomfortable enough that we won't be doing that again

mr smear finally going to bed after spending an entire day being either awesome or awful, one particularly great moment being when i continued with the previous day's letter exercise and got him to say "i love you" (and our hearts melted, doesn't matter if he knows what it means or not... although i suspect he kinda does)

watching ares, not expecting a french film but really, really enjoying it - phenomenally slick writing even with some tried and true tropes

sunday 28th:

awesomenauts! and starting my "user's guide to social", and this, and now probably going to bed. if not now, then in five more minutes...

Sunday, May 21, 2017

sometimes i just want to cry

or scream, or sleep, or work, or something, but i just don't know where to begin. i'm tired. i'm really, really tired and that's in spite of getting good work done last night and going to bed relatively early and mr smear sleeping twelve hours without a feed and giving us actual rest for once. gd and i spent the morning managing mr smear and running around trying to get ourselves ready for airplane's wedding, but once we were finally on our way gd experienced a panic attack so bad that we turned around and zoomed (my mom was driving) to the hospital where it took four (four!) ativans, a couple of doses of an anti-nausea, intravenous painkillers and breathing into a bag before she could finally slow down enough to be stoned and sleepy the rest of the day. once we put her to bed, mr smear woke up, and my mom and i took him to visit my great-aunt (who'd fallen and opened her head a few days ago) and cousin for a while; by the time we got back the grocery store was closed and we picked up HOT hot fusion and tried feeding mr smear dinner before saying goodnight.

putting him to bed the first time wasn't too hard, but when he recently got up it became an hour or so of torture - i'm not certain he has any idea why he wouldn't sleep. and every moment carrying him became tougher and tougher.

i should be in bed, but i needed to write this, and post the rest of my notes for the last weeks and then maybe - hopefully - pass out.

tuesday 9th:

sleeping good hours and dreaming intensely when i'm on my back but either the quality of sleep is poorer or i've come down with something

dropping off mr smear and crashing on returning home, reading more rebirth with my last-chance coffee (what a brilliant book, what a shame they haven't made the rest), picking up mr smear and shopping: buying a knead bread while waiting for the manager to replace the empty sanitary wipes and becoming immediately addicted (the three of us polished off the loaf by the time we hit the checkout), getting home with a passed-out child and lots of bags, lying down immediately and getting about an hour before returning to standard parent high-alert

chilly evening walk and playground time before stopping by my mom's for a quick tea, then dinner and bedtime and oh my american gods is incredibly well done and i can't believe how much i've forgotten

early to bed,

wednesday 10th:

up early for a few hours of work before climbing into bed for one last hour, dropping off mr smear and doing a quick baby city run, a fast coffee and my first private session with the therapist; pulling over on ocean view drive for a moment on the way home to stare at the sea and signal hill and just breathe in the cool sunshine air

a little command & conquer, picking up mr smear and battling the awful collective nursery school poop smell to change him

"i don't know what they were playing at at preschool today but we've just picked up adolph glitter and he is ADORABLE" - said after wiping a particular glitter pattern from under mr smear's nose

an exhausting afternoon

mom's visit before her long weekend and a short night

thursday 11th:

a difficult night for gd and me, finally getting up when i received a message from SxS that the boss's wife passed away

gd giving me a (really nice) haircut before picking up mr smear
a later nap giving me a little space to work
a short but sweet aquarium visit in an unpleasant wind
mr smear's delicious blended leftovers dinner, his hesitation to try it followed by the funny relief of his "oh no! i wasted all that time" tucking in once he did
mr smear's long goodnight, followed by the end of american gods episode two
what a strange pleasure looking at myself in the mirror after finally getting a haircut
struggling with node-mssql's documentation, then my laptop so going to bed while it updated

friday 12th:

a sleepless night and dealing with a 3am wet bed followed by an hour and a half of wet eyes and cries; i sat down to get some work done (omg, emulating azure storage is easier than getting node to connect to mssql), eventually climbing into bed for an hour which soon turned into half an hour and ended with a nightmare in which i lost mr smear at a crazy festival and then misjudged a drop and fell to my death

pokemon xy and eating mr smear's breakfast; dropping off mr smear and working hard (figuring out that microsoft's azure-storage documentation is either incomplete or incorrect (grateful that it's open source and i could read the code myself)
picking up mr smear: working to get him to return a toy, and his singing "the gift-giver's lament" after realizing that his mother's day gift for gd wasn't coming back to him

how i disengaged that day:
"<idiotjerkface> it's angry ideological vegans like you who put ordinary people off going plant-based, you're incapable of rational debate and have no concept of how many meat-eaters you turn away. me? i care more about my health and the animals and the environment than i do about being accepted into your circle. i can acknowledge that we're omnivores whilst simultaneously advocating an animal-free lifestyle because being an omnivore doesn't invalidate any of the principles of being vegan. you can thump your gorilla chest and yell into the ether, in my opinion you're as much a part of the problem as an uninformed carnist. have a great life, enjoy demonstrating your power and virility by kicking honest vegans out of your little echo chamber."
this came after explaining that after being sent down a rabbit hole i've learned that the terms carnivore, omnivore and herbivore are fluid and meaningless in a debate over what we're supposed to define ourselves as.

the smell of gd's chilli when hungry, the chiropractor, eventually taking mr smear out in the cold wind and turning right back around

a kind-of traditional non-dinner and shannara

saturday 13th:

an awful night, waking up at 5am to an interesting email from SxS and completing phase one of the task i've been struggling with; starting mr smear's day with pokemon xy before driving out to join airplane and co for the start of his bachelor's weekend
returning home excited to have spent good time with old friends and wired-tired, preparing to go back out and amazed to watch mr smear actually eat a whole apple instead of his usual tasting and spitting
back to canal walk for a few hours of shopping and a break for vegan pizza which mr smear insisted on eating upside down (like pringles, flavour side to tongue)

returning home with my cranial nerves pinching again, an hour or two manipulating my neck until shower and bedtime, when it eased a little; mr smear had been snuffly and sneezy since the previous night but it became progressively worse

shannara, leftovers, bed

sunday 14th:

dream before mr smear's stuffy nose: SxS singing modern talking - you're my heart you're my soul karaoke at a reunion gathering pre-midburn and i had to do hyper-sexualized backing vocals

a full night's sleep, although not high quality, and waking up to crash bandicoot and pancakes for mother's day; the second day of weaning, and mr smear still not feeling great so napping early and long which we took advantage of, then a brief lunch before getting ready to drive out to my sister's for a mother's day sit-down

a fun evening, busy and enjoyable. "kevin" is racist and not justified by more racism, weaponized "organic tortillas" and heavy dog drool

returning late with mr smear wide awake, shower and bed and falling asleep myself, getting up just after 11pm to deal with an asthma attack and then his shivering while wearing thermal pyjamas

monday 15th:

the fun early hours with an overheated child singing himself to sleep

dreaming cleaning a bullet hole through my toes with tissue, transferring tau credits, and then a bunch of interesting things i've forgotten

pokemon xy and mr smear investigating my breakfast (how strange that he would choose brown syrup over peanut butter :P), managing him and his nose until the cleaning lady arrived and then spending most of the following four hours getting some work done

a short nap, a little inspiration (world wars), a little shannara (gods, the character writing is infuriating), and then working on and off until my mom came over for a visit

a shower and bedtime that lasted hours and involved a lot of hoarse crying

a deserved and much-needed cider and chocolate in lieu of actual dinner, test-driving simcity 3000 (it was a good deal), and a little work while my nose became stuffy

tuesday 16th:

an easier night, but mr smear still struggling in the morning so another day home; eventually getting out to town and turning right around because he was falling asleep but then the drive home woke him up :(

gd making a great lunch while mr smear and i polished off rice cakes and humus za'atar and i chatted with another enthusiastic headhunter who doesn't know when to quit

long nap time, work time, and a productive text message meeting with an airborne SxS

an aquarium visit turned food court dinner and grocery shopping experience (gd and i both arriving at the waterfront feeling bloated), back home to shower and bedtime and a disturbing but good thai movie P (i passed out halfway, gd said the ending sucked) and going to bed early with a sinus headache

wednesday 17th:

waking up 4am with the same sinus headache and a still-stuffy mr smear

dreaming invisible demons and after parties, running through a strange house and into the kitchen of people i was trying to avoid, shouting at strangers for staring at me when trying to purchase an stm month pass at a new station, one stranger recognizing me from facebook and trading numbers, lots of montreal jews and quite a few israelis

still stuffy (both of us) but ready for school, a day grinding with iis rules and regex, a chiropractor visit and a walk around the mojo market, grabbing a delicious seed loaf and picking up mr smear and spending the early afternoon alternating between work and entertaining him; he went down late for a big nap, solid work hours before we woke him and taking him for a sunset walk

just too late for the sunset so we visited my mom instead, great russian tea and weekend wedding strategizing, back home for dinner (developing a practical method of disciplining when the food throwing begins - i make him pick it up himself), a milestone shower (soaping himself a little *and* he enjoyed sticking his head under the stream for once), a routine good night (but still stuffy), a little bit of shannara (why are we still watching?) and then diving into work

thursday 18th:

finally going to bed around 2.45am with a sense of accomplishment

first wakeup exhausted (left nostril blocked), second wakeup good (right nostril blocked, i think i'm seeing a pattern)

dropping off mr smear a half hour late, him rushing me crying to hold him while his classmates all stood around staring until the teacher carried him out to the sandpit

a quick coffee and command & conquer before the therapist arrived and i took off to sort out the car rental and rock out to tool and nin, stopping at a small beach on the way back (forgotten sunnies, so beautiful but painful), then score another project task before picking mr smear up again

the shock and sadness of chris cornell's death :(

no naps, but lunch over animal fail videos and work and repeatedly cleaning mr smear's nose for the next couple of hours before taking him to the doctor; he sang the whole way there and the whole way back, stopping only when we ran into dirk diggler's mother. a minute before that i developed what would quickly become a really nasty cough which is still plaguing me, and even with medication i'd spend a lot of the night feeling like i had a band tightening around my throat.

mom visiting, dinner and shower and not even finishing my tea before needing to drag myself off to bed

friday 19th:

a glorious 3.30am wakeup when neither myself nor mr smear could breathe properly.

mr smear spaced out listening to music on the couch, good work after dropping him off, picking up seed bread and losing my family with no phone

trying to get work done while mr smear refused to have anyone tend to him but me... and my being his horse, "up" and "ta" are all i was worth

mr smear starting to fall asleep just as we arrived at the park after an afternoon refusing to nap - i made sure he stayed awake and we enjoyed a fun couple of hours with a few moms from school, one kid wanting to play and one little hooligan walking over and punching me in the leg, one of the mothers turning out to be an old friend's sister, "you're doing it wrong" plastic bike riding, mr smear being hit in the head twice by the swings and seeming to learn his lesson (we'll see)

col'cacchio double fail: wrong address and the food arriving cold and a confused delivery man and one possibly not vegan pizza

watching split: the issues i had with it were minor, and the bottom line is that it's absolutely brilliant

from possibly not vegan pizza to probably not vegan pizza in a very short period of time

a productive meeting with my teammate followed by a bit of work and random

saturday 20th:

getting into bed around 1am, mr smear waking us up around 6.30am after a solid twelve hour sleep

the wrong music for gd and mr smear's improvement playing crash bandicoot and what i saw of arthur christmas was a really cool christmas movie.

so now i've posted and it's 2am and i've seen my cousin competing in master chef uk (and he's awesome) and i'm ready for bed. i think.

@#!$. i think we might have fleas again.

Friday, May 12, 2017

lasting impressions

holy... the driver from my primary school not only recognized me, but remembered my name (O_o)
and then listed another couple of names of kids who were a grade or two below me - so it turns out i'm associated with some right naughty buggers :P

Monday, May 08, 2017

just a monday

going to bed at 1am after a little command & conquer and elevator saga in addition to determining my next project steps

sleeping on my back again but uncomfortable after a few hours; dreaming of carrying a body in a brown skip and being kicked off a train because they didn't approve of my destination, somehow getting the skips on a flight and arriving in a stop-over city trying to find a place to bury it

up early but not functional, getting mr smear ready and dropping him off on time then meeting with the other class dad for a very interesting chat about our mutual tech interest; between the coffee and the enthusiasm i was fully wired by the time i got home, churning out a document and having a bath and a little relaxation before picking mr smear up

a long hour or two until mr smear fell asleep, myself desperately passing out on the couch before being woken to wake up mr smear and groggily drive gd to the chiropractor. mr smear was still half asleep, so a lot more manageable than usual. we came back home, got through another hour and then my mom came over and we took mr smear to prayers with us. a pleasant evening and a magnificent view of the sunset, then home to eat and prep mr smear for bed. that took a little while and i barely had time to make myself a cup of tea before being contacted by an enthusiastic recruiter.

weird moment of the day: my son running past me holding on tightly to his nipples.

it didn't help the recruiter that i'm not looking for a job, but it's really hard to take someone seriously when they describe their company's product as "disruptive" when there's absolutely nothing disruptive about it. and i'm pretty sure it's not "real time" either :P
having said that, it does sound good for an office job and it's always nice to hear that some players in the industry are getting certain things right.

now for a little "me" time before work.

long short weekend

friday 5th:

breathing discomfort and not sleeping well

dreams: big playstation party but i didn't have my control, some with vr goggles and all in the same game, an old officer's course buddy in a porn mag with his wife in the background while he literally fucked himself, mad reckless truck driving while constructing something out of lego and then pulling a hot water bottle out of a cabinet for a bus/aeroplane overhead bin and finding it full of vomit

ted: governments don't understand cyber warfare and how to exploit democracy are must-sees

dropping mr smear off in the middle of the shabbat ceremony, coming home to sort and print tax return documents, drink a cup of coffee and head out again

the replacement rental breaking down just outside the school, running in to grab mr smear and returning to find an understandably angry homeowner whose garage i'd blocked; handing mr smear over to his wife while we moved the car out of the way and being invited in for tea and crayons to wait for the mechanic. really nice people, cool dog, amazing bronze sculptures, good chat

the mechanic, hoping that the third time's the charm, dropping mr smear at home then going to the post office to mail our tax returns; eventually coming home really hungry and tired, watching hell and back (absolute genius) while guzzling down gd's amazing west african peanut soup, then trying to nap with an uncomfortable mr smear on my chest

coffee and juggling work and mr smear while gd cooked, then preparing to go to my cousin's for dinner

finally leaving, getting up the hill and the engine cutting out, rolling backwards on a handbrake again; mom bailing us out, leaving the car for the breakdown guy and arriving at the house in need of that whiskey

an exhausting mr smear but a really fun evening

saturday 6th:

crazy nightmare getting a scroll of a story i had to read but needing to alienate myself and go into hiding; fighting impotently against unkillable assassins and well funded fighters and having to pretend to befriend the investigator hired to find me even as he closed in

up early and working well, pokemon: xy and pancakes, mom's best friend's visit

mom giving me a ride to pick up the new rental, then visiting my toronto cousin's wife and family in the afternoon and picking up a hand-held milk-frother from my aunt's mother; that's as much of the day as i can recall.

sunday 7th:

an awful night's non-sleep, lying in bed restless and uncomfortable and tired for most of the night

up early, a morning cross between pokemon: xy (pretty good) and introducing mr smear to crash bandicoot: warped (he enjoyed it, even though he hasn't figured out how to manipulate the left-hand controls)
meeting my mom and her cousin in the company gardens for breakfast, the reduced-to-vegan option wasn't bad and the kids (including one of mr smear's classmates) had plenty to play with. setting up a meeting with her dad, then not catching mr smear as he fell off something and hurt his head; rationally i know it wasn't my fault, but emotionally i feel terrible. he took a short nap when we got home, but woke up very soon and was rather irritable and whiny for the next few hours while gd and i were absolutely drained and in desperate need of some downtime.

mom coming over to take him downstairs to the grocery store - i went with - and then the two of us went to prayers for my toronto cousin's mother-in-law (stunning sunset view) before returning home to gd's dinner and prepping mr smear for bed.

working and virtual desk clearing while gd watched superman returns

Sunday, May 07, 2017

three little pigs

i'm of the opinion that the three little pigs is a parable for "you are what you eat".

the wolf eats the first and second little pigs, and is eaten by the third; so by the third little pig their roles are reversed, the wolf is the pig and the pig is the wolf, and the third pig has also effectively eaten both of his brothers, albeit second-hand and partially digested.

Friday, May 05, 2017

plans vs life

tuesday 2nd:

working really hard with fiddly stuff and finally getting everything working again (after rewriting almost every single call in the system); powerful relief and an immediate need to crawl into bed

sleeping on my back (usually impossible) and experiencing the kinds of visions i imagine cgi movie animators would use as inspiration

up before our alarms and happily back to school, reading comics and working and handling bureaucracy and picking up mr smear, who was so excited to visit strangers that he made getting home a mission; lunchtime and my sister's letter and gym

learning about my watch's lock function after losing another half an hour of good bag work, then twenty minutes fast walking, climbing and occasionally running until my body remembered that it didn't *have* to feel completely useless

home for gd's enchilada-ish monster and a little surf's up before heading out for a big grocery run; we think we left around 4pm, so coming home three hours later in the dark? it certainly felt like forever.

israeli moments to celebrate independence day: wearing my doof shirt, mr smear demolishing a bag of bamba and refusing to share, and two israelis entering a queue before finishing their shopping and holding everyone up

mr smear sneakily waiting for me to have my hands full then viciously elbowing, scratching, clawing and poking me in the eyes; chasing that with piercing screams that really hurt my ears and a dramatic bedtime, i needed a drink and chocolate more than dinner; the daredevil movie sucked and my mood wasn't improved by painful rls

wednesday 3rd:

getting some sleep but waking up at 3am tired and under mosquito attack, working until 6

dream: stuffing a used tissue into a rat carcass' chest cavity, suddenly it coughed and lay there breathing peacefully

up for mr smear but only vaguely; lying down on the couch with friendship is magic distracting mr smear until gd pulled me up into sitting position with the smell of crêpes under a syrup blanket

the school drop off and taking gd to see the chiropractor; reading while i waited but with heavy eyelids, a short walk around the block then twenty minutes rest before coffeeing up and standing in the parking lot sun waiting for the therapist. not a pleasant session, but productive, followed by another very brief lie-down before picking mr smear up from school

no naps, a few timeouts and generally just keeping myself from passing out until he did; grabbing more coffee and sitting down to work but being inundated with bills instead... then all too soon he was back up and all over the place. he's awesome and adorable and too cool for school but my gods he's persistent and fierce and he relentlessly tests everything. we're as proud as we are drained :P

surviving the afternoon, eventually getting him into bed and settling down to sort out canadian taxes. still a chore and a half, but not nearly as bad as i was worried about.

netflix seems to have its ratings inversed, apparently. backing out of unfunny standup into to hell and back, which is very good balance of fun and funny

rls treatment,

thursday 4th:

sleeping until 6-ish and working hard to learn that my entity framework optimization wouldn't work (you can't one-to-many with an enum)

work and taxes and command & conquer and a quiet moment lying down staring at the ceiling before picking up mr smear

my boy makes me proud, it's really cool hearing such good things about him from teachers and other parents

quick big lunch and rushing to get to my toronto cousin's mother-in-law's funeral; i was a bit nervous about waze taking me a route i wasn't familiar with but i arrived in good time and i'd been able to enjoy music simultaneously. things were uneventful until it came time to shovel dirt on the coffin, i went up to take a turn and suddenly found myself shovelling alone. that was awkward, i put the spade down and took a step back then felt more awkward so i threw a few more heaps on, all the while feeling like i'd missed the cue to stop helping. i put it down again, embarrassed, but by the time i'd gotten clear of the closest crowd everyone else was back in to finishing the job.

a minute's drive from the cemetery and i pushed the clutch in only to hear it snap and feel my foot go straight through a space that shouldn't be accessible. i pulled over immediately, not realizing that i was on a particularly dangerous blind corner until someone was kind enough to shout at me as they went past, so i rolled the car slowly downhill using the handbrake until i was fairly clear and called the breakdown number.

i'd have to wait a while, in the blazing sun in the middle of nowhere, and i amused myself while standing guard under what scant shade i could find. eventually the mechanic arrived, he was very chilled and had the part that was needed - although he tells me he's never seen the plastic clip of a clutch cable break before. watching him work on it made me realize how important it is to get a basic understanding of how cars work; that should be a part of the theory exam, in my opinion, i've been driving for almost two decades and i've no idea how the clutch pedal works the actual clutch.


my mind wandered a little, and ended up in my initial polygraph test back in 2009. there's so much wrong with what happened in that little room, inside my head and out, and i guess i've still got a lot of work to do in dealing with that but what i find really interesting right now is that i've managed to fill my life with so much that even when i'm in "self care" mode i don't really give myself time to process anything. don't get me wrong, i process a lot of things, like, all the time. but the backlog is immense and there're some important items on my mental to-do list that i've long abandoned... i really need to learn to "meditate", or in my terms just be bored. not reading, not playing, not exercising, not sleeping. i'm not sure i know how to do that, i certain don't have the emotional motivation even if the intellectual is there.


the clutch felt strange after it was fixed but not bad, so i cautiously made my way home. mr smear was sleeping, i rested a little and ate a lot and then he woke up and we got ready to go to prayers. trusting waze, we drove over kloof nek and got stuck behind a slow driver who single-handedly generated traffic on a road that was otherwise clear. eventually we turned into bellevue street, a particularly steep road, and about halfway down the new clip snapped too. here i'll commend gd for keeping her cool, i pulled into the first "safe" spot i could find but effectively trapped the car there, and so after calling the breakdown number again there was nothing to do but go for a bit of a walk and then sit down somewhere and wait.

the walk: the weather was really nice and the moon loomed big over a beautiful sunset sky. the whole way up and down mr smear sang loudly and confidently, "twinkle, twinkle" but with all the wrong syllables, and it was really funny.

sitting down: an italian restaurant with nothing plant-based and no guinness, so gd enjoyed my hunter's and ordered some fries and just as they arrived so did the mechanic; and just as i started moving our belongings between the vehicles the restaurant started filling up and bellevue street was inundated with bad drivers. so the handover was a little stressed but eventually we were done and we came home to feed mr smear and put him to bed. i made some calls to the canadian tax authorities*, completed our tax returns and i'll be printing and sending them in the morning. until this very minute i thought i was filing on time but i realize now that we were supposed to send them on monday. damn.

* revenu quebec: "for english, press 9" so that we can continue to speak to you only in french because %#$@ you.

my reward to myself for completing the forms was to play a level of command & conquer; i completed it, not very efficiently, and then alt-tabbed out to turn on the sound so i could get the next mission statement; alt-tab freezes the game, so i'll have to play that level again sometime. oh, well.

anyway, i really felt the need to post but now i really need to do a little work before getting some rest.

Monday, May 01, 2017

the chocolate tastes funny

wednesday 26th:

working until 2.30am, going to bed excited about my solution to the double problem of preserving identity integrity across multiple databases and doing so exclusively using entity framework code first

a tender neck and difficulty carrying mr smear in the night, intense dreams, a drawn-out breakfast showdown (which he now wins by default) after which he finally agreed to eat once out of the high chair

dropping mr smear off at school (too cute with his backpack and lunchbox), home to work, picking him up again, all of us enjoying his first intense lightning and thunderstorm, his first "toda"; what the health is INCREDIBLE, watch it!

realizing that i screwed up and only partially charged my new phone battery the day before, then doing some research and realizing that it's actually better to charge in short bursts and to avoid letting the battery get hot for long periods of time.

an afternoon of software surgery, mr smear generally whiny, taking him to the aquarium but turning around because he passed out just before we arrived; back to work, then a cup of coffee and a fair amount of water to combat a headache before trying the aquarium again...

a rough start but he warmed to the jellyfish exhibit (and was thrilled when i showed him my jellyfish watch face so he could match them to the live ones), walking through the usual great stuff and then becoming agitated by all the reminders that the aquarium's sponsor in "conservation" is one of south africa's most destructive fisheries...

a walk through to the food court and finding vegan "gourmet" samoosas that were okay... they attracted some particularly aggressive seagulls who chased us inside

a nice ride back home before showering and prepping for bed, which involved me being screamed at and clawed at and generally abused (both he and my wife find my reactions hysterical), then a long, whiny goodnight (i will win - eventually)

thursday 27th:

eight hours sleep

dream angry, losing most of my coffee which had milk in it then fighting in a theatre and mr smear losing an eye and a woman crumpling my credit card

michael jackson's this is it is appropriately found on the netflix kids channel, mom coming over to give me space to do our canadian tax return; remembering that the CRA website has operating hours, and it took so long to sort out all the documents that my mom had left before i finally started filling out the forms and realized that i might not be able to do it without all our south african income and expenses

a particularly traumatic episode from lunch until returning home from a beer with an old friend (the gm who didn't appreciate nodding), which involved lots of running after our kids and ended with them rushing their daughter to the hospital for surgery... meanwhile mr smear thoroughly enjoyed his afternoon getting soaked in the fountain.

a peaceful return home, getting through the evening binge-watching addicted to food and making good progress with work.

friday 28th:

crazy, forgotten dreams, up early and finishing this is it; working while mr smear continued to cry at us until he passed out earlier than usual (with a little help from his daddy and a good playlist), after which time i managed to functionally complete the task i've been focused on since the previous week with the satisfying sensation that i'd just completed some particularly sensitive software surgery; it's one thing to describe a system that uses sql to store and retrieve data across multiple databases, creating databases on demand and maintaining referential integrity, it's quite another to implement it.

a little more addicted to food, gd and i getting a little emotional over the poor dude's guitar story, a little tax investigation, a little more work and then spending the rest of the suddenly-already-late afternoon shopping at makro and then dropping things off at home and then shopping at checkers (running into an old friend)

cremora lite: holy shit. we've been waiting for an opportunity to go to makro for ages because they're the only people who sell it and it's the only vegan coffee creamer available in south africa. and we finally got there, and we finally found it! we were so excited we could hear angels singing... until i read the ingredients, and then it became more like demons giggling. cremora lite is a milk product, just like all the others. there is no vegan creamer available here.

a small shabbat dinner, getting mr smear into bed and watching addicted to food until we passed out

saturday 29th:

6am wakeup call from a busy little boy, animated chaplin! and a walk in the bergwind to nü, running into a racist cousin along the way and some friendly parents there

mr smear falling asleep on the way back home, completing addicted to food (emotional and educational, not just about food); an appropriately-timed call from my big sister informing me that she's on a "detox" (homeopathic "doctor", very frustrating), then some lunch / play before taking mr smear out in the searing heat to play at the park... we were exhausted just getting there and he was busy but overall it was a pretty good walk

mom coming over and reluctantly agreeing to watch food choices, mr smear's first proper time outs, gd's ghanaian soup, a little more of the daredevil movie and passing out at 9.40pm sweating

sunday 30th:

at the tail end of an epic dream coming up up against an army employing soldiers with fantastic powers that were killing and hurting them so they didn't want to use them; superior officers desperately screaming at them to use their tragic gifts

one piece on crunchyroll (no funimation available in south africa)
rocking out to foo fighters and solving a technical issue with my project
the disappointment in the vegan mom who knows she eats badly and can't plan a meal for her kid
paying rent "late" (bullshit)
waterfront for the illusions exhibition (kurt wenner): a lot of fun, but the installation quality was poor and i didn't think to use my camera flash so the shadows ruined a couple of good shots

lunch and home, mr smear napping so i napped for an hour; just as i started getting into work he woke up and the rest of the afternoon was spent monitoring him, washing windows, and working until my mom arrived for a bit

mr smear falling off a chair and narrowly missing an injury, getting him showered and ready for bed, overdoing the weird-tasting chocolate while overeating and mindlessly watching grimm, then diving into work

monday 1st:

working solidly through to 2am, simultaneously getting stuck and realizing that i'd need some sleep... but just then mr smear woke up for a midnight feed during which time i became unstuck and found myself a half hour later enthusiastically hacking away

3-ish? sleeping a little, then struggling for an hour or two with rls - effectively putting to rest the soap theory and the zinc theory simultaneously

7am after a continued uncomfortable night, a warm and foggy morning, friendship is magic and geographic tongue and vegan crêpes and nursery rhymes and driving into town in a light drizzle on empty streets

a chat with scar's boss, being distinctly impressed and pleased by how he operates: he works for his employees so that they'll bring in more money. THAT is good business.

mom and the cleaning lady giving me some space to order our financial affairs - a struggle - and mr smear falling asleep just after lunch; i napped for an hour then arose, exhausted and yet inexplicably restless - too restless to lie down, but getting up made me dizzy. later on i'd realize that it was a cranial nerve thing, a repeat of our hospital experience a few weeks ago...

fancon 2017: going on the last day was one way to avoid the crowds, but for the end of the last day there were still quite a few people hanging around and plenty of beautiful art to see. mr smear loved the cosplay - even the things we expected to freak him out - and i got some time to chat with mr cat. gd insisted on a few dragon prints, but to be fair, she didn't need to push too hard.

two things:

when your kid's old enough that his head reaches your breasts standing up, it's past time you weaned him.


as we walked past one of the booths, the artist jumped up to aggressively (though not rudely) sell his graphic novel. we looked through it, and it was stunning. we heard his pitch, and it was interesting. but we weren't planning on buying anything, so we made our excuses and moved along but in the back of my mind the seed had been planted. later on, as we were making our way out, i told gd that she'd gotten her dragons and i was seriously considering that graphic novel. just then shadowslight rocked up, and when we told him about the artist being a little pushy he told us how a couple of years ago he was at a convention when an artist cornered him and convinced him to take a copy for almost nothing just so he could make it 100 sold for that weekend. and that the comic was brilliant, but was only part one of a three part series and that the guy STILL hasn't put out the second.

we arrive back at the booth. "that's the guy!" shadowslight exclaimed, and i took one look at the artist and pointed at him: "you bastard!"
he was a little taken aback, but we explained why we found this amusing. he signed a copy to mr smear and we asked him what method of payments he could take - expecting credit card or snapscan - to which he flushed and informed us that he could only take cash. which we didn't have.

so we all had a good laugh when shadowslight pulled through and loaned us the amount, that's the second time this dude's got his money even if we are going to pay it back :P

coming home for a brief stop before taking mr smear to the promenade with my mom, it was a bit too chilly but he enjoyed chasing after a sweet little girl on her bike (he just wanted to touch the light and ring the bell), and then we returned home for a good meal. that was the point at which i realized my neck was in trouble - i'd lost my appetite - although i managed to (literally) shake it off enough to enjoy the food and then get mr smear ready for bed.

there's something deeply unsettling and frustrating when i'm wiped out and my son is throwing tantrums, but even more so when he's just having a laugh by sticking his fingers in my eyes or elbowing me in the jaw.

work, posting, work.