concerns and burning out

fleas again?! i freakin' hope not, but something's jumping on my legs right now.

the overarching concern of the past two weeks is that a grave pharmacy mistake we recently uncovered may have negatively affected mr smear's growth potential :(

tuesday 31st:

going to bed around 2/2.30am after doing some finances, then being woken four hours later by the loudest, most aggressive banging yet: scrambling to dress and go downstairs to confront the bastards and finding an empty mall, plus the boxing school bozos very confident that it wasn't them. in the evening we heard that same banging again and i jumped downstairs to find a guy using ropes so hard that they banged every time they touched the floor - it WAS the boxing school!

a slightly tense morning, coming out alright, dropping mr smear off and heading to town for half an hour of "fifteen minutes" installing a vehicle tracker with no internet connection because the fool agent from telkom sorted me out for the following month but not the one i needed help with

backing up gd's scans, taking her to pathcare, picking up mr smear who - according to plan - fell asleep on the way to the hospital. not according to plan: forgetting his stroller and having to carry him napping until i woke him up because i simply couldn't manage any more. again struggling with the lack of internet because we didn't know we needed her id with us, eventually getting everything done and returning home; working a little then taking mr smear and his bike for a walk (bissli winning the day), then home for drama (anxiety over gd's physical course discomfort and content)

straightforward bedtime, needing coffee just to shower, meetings with pivotal revelations and feet really hurting for a long time but grateful for gd's friend's massage tool

gd having a breakdown (the pain)

gd convincing me to go to bed at 11pm after finding me sitting on the floor in a pained stupor trying to stretch and manipulate my neck and back

wednesday 1st:

still exhausted early, a fairly standard morning, my recently printed shirts already falling apart, dropping off mr smear and heading straight to my mom's to work

good work, picking up mr smear and taking him home, an hour shopping and eating lunch, showing the nanny the shaded park and mr smear falling asleep along the way, more work and believing i'd broken something just before rushing out to take gd to the chiropractor (i hadn't), just enough time to drop off a visa form at the doctor's office then wake mr smear, pick up gd and do more grocery shopping

a little work, taking mr smear and his bike to a park where he played nicely with a little girl until she tried to use his bike - i was sorely disappointed - coming home for dinner, israeli music and shower-and-bedtime

finishing joe rogan: triggered (excellent), clearing my desk a little then working

thursday 2nd:

until 00.30

migraine day and a big upset over not answering non-trivial questions with trivial answers, dropping mr smear off at school and resting a little before a very interesting and angry therapy session, a little work before picking mr smear up again, letting him get away from me but finding him shortly thereafter, home to big hunger on both our parts, a frustrated toddler on the potty learning that you can't pee with an erection, running into our neighbours carrying their stroller up tight stairs because the elevator was out of order, a pharmacy mission and picking up lavender essential oil

a long and difficult process getting mr smear to nap, eventually putting him on the couch and leaving the trance playing while i worked

mr smear eating veggie burgers wrong, a little work before rushing to get to gd's class; mr smear throwing a tantrum last minute and refusing to brush his teeth because "no water!!!", finally rinsing his mouth and laughing in my face when i pointed out that he was thirstily drinking the water he'd said no to

phenomenally bad driving on the way to the temple, another interesting class but gd very uncomfortable, a heavy thunderstorm, coming home to funny stories about my son's bedtime behaviour, leftovers and sorbet and stranger things 2 and early to bed (11.45) with rls

friday 3rd:

up at 4am to work with more lightning and rain, a fair amount of the day spent building a robust converter that i'm amazed isn't freely available already

picking up the second copy of my book in the rain, a waterfront grocery run alone, picking up gd's medical form a day late because the not-so-bright receptionist had forgotten about it, walking to our friend and not arriving because mr smear got caught up in dog parks and made a new friend in the kid's one

going straight from the park to the temple, mr smear loving the songs then trying to play with a group of older girls and getting a ton of exercise; explaining to me that he's afraid of heights by saying "owie!" and navigating a narrow log heigh up in spite of his fear, vegan sushi and flings before returning home, friday night dinner with my mom, reading to mr smear and almost passing out myself, then starting rls and taking something for it that seems to have worked

saturday 4th:

waking up to a real-life nightmare at 4am, gd having pinched a nerve that had her in unbearable agony that i'm still shocked she refused to take to the hospital; the pinch calming about half an hour later and everyone sleeping until 9am

waking up from a dream about a joyful goodbye with old family friends leaving in a dust storm

tears for "yerushalayim shel zahav", mr smear's shofar obsession, finding good french nursery rhymes, taking mr smear to kirstenbosch quite late, seeing the traffic and heading to the farmer's market instead; a pleasant time, a shocked smoothie seller repeating incredulously to other customers that microwaves are safe, running into sailor's (now-ex?) girlfriend finding homes for dogs, coming home for nap time, gd's successful mexican take on hummus, taking mr smear for a walk with my mom, an exquisitely distressing episode of stranger things (pollywog), giving up on watching ufc 217, working on my JSON/CSV converter

sunday 5th:

finally finishing at 2am but taking an hour to publish the damned thing before going to bed, then being dragged out of bed four hours later completely incapable of doing more than lying uncomfortably and uselessly on the couch

a slow start to the day, going to kirstenbosch with my mom, forgetting to lock the car until after we'd ordered lunch, a serious vegan spread at the tea room, a fun stroll back and playing happily in the water until mr smear picked up a splinter

arriving home napping but waking up immediately, tired but feeling good after sunshine and nature

sailor, mr smear and the wookie, flower advancement (what a stunning game), putting mr smear to bed and eating too much (gd made chilli) and everybody pleasantly relaxed
stranger things
i thought i'd seen fat, sick and nearly dead before, really interesting

monday 6th:

going to bed at midnight just as the wind began gusting, waking up at alarm time for a straightforward morning until drop off time, then struggling to get all gd's visa documents together and finally realizing we're still waiting for some from pretoria... heading to my mom's to work, picking up mr smear, back to my mom's to work some more, back home in heavy winds thinking i was going to return to visit our friend but gd's végépaté needed more time to cook; work and play then rushing off to my mom's for a video conference

encountering heavy traffic, passing a parking spot and not being able to open the gate, being forced to go around and fortunately finding another one that had just opened up, bounding up the stairs to set up my machine and put the kettle on, pressing "connect" and then receiving a phone call to tell me the meeting was postponed...

struggles with mr smear (he was having a reaction to something and the allergex combined with a missed nap made him a bit stoned), putting him to bed, watching the end of fat, sick and nearly dead (brilliant, and a bit surprising), then another episode of stranger things (amazing), then working

tuesday 7th:

until 1am, up at alarm time again and getting through the morning, dropping gd off along with mr smear and then coming home to pass out for another hour waking up to reliving trauma from my canadian immigration experience and my first employer there (megaman's bullshit), shopping and chugging coffee, picking up mr smear and having an interesting conversation about languages, bullying and kid's television with an old high-school buddy

stressing about a rash on his back (prompting an early shower), working while he napped on the couch with music drowning out the construction noise, overall an indoors afternoon until we dropped gd off at her conversion class then finished dinner before starting the bedtime ritual: the evening had some unpleasant parts but was mostly positive, although by the time he was in bed i was *done*

watching a bit of the truth about alcohol, trying to rest behind gd but rls dragging me half-asleep into child pose on the floor after gd had ice-sprayed me

wednesday 8th:

still tired but better
me smear: the water boy ringleader. he's figured out he can get other kids to do his dirty work for him.
my haircut
rushed fix at bootlegger, no time to tip
picking up mr smear pretty quickly, returning to my mom's to work, an interesting movember argument
taking mr smear for a walk with his bike, a little tension with our friend's kids, fireman's pole technique improvement, rushing home slowly, almost leaving the bike twice and threatening to leave him once, borrowing my mom's gate remote just in time and joining a conference call with some Big Deals five minutes late
a long call, some awkwardly ill-prepared moments and hurting my cracked heels
home for throwing-toys-outside, shower, and bedtime; with a little successful moment during a tantrum getting mr smear to stop crying at me because he didn't like me crying back at him. sadly that hasn't worked again.
half of an amazing stranger things episode, then a short meeting followed by a couple of hours adjusting a diagram while fighting the urge to do anything but

thursday 9th:

going to bed just before 1am

tank girl's death, sandman and me mourning her passing over her convertible bathtub, her resurrection followed by my waking up face down with no sensation in my arm

a bad night's sleep, another slow morning, feeling overwhelmed and slow and tired and depressed and burned out, a positive therapy session and about twenty minutes playing flower before rushing to pick up mr smear late, getting him to nap on the couch and having very little energy to be productive, figuring out how to create an online visa application (vfs makes you guess the urls), a short period of resting and working before taking mr smear to the park for twenty minutes, wet paint that i'd thought was bird droppings and swings and then returning home to shower and dinner and brushing teeth before handing him over to my mother

a fascinating look at where modern orthodox judaism went wrong, stranger things and rick and morty before diving into service fabric

friday 10th:

until 00.45

up super early and super tired, getting mr smear to school late again and heading straight to my mom's, forgetting my key but fortunately not needing it. a surprise job interview that i'd forgotten i'd agreed to, not sure how interested i am but there were some amusing awkward moments

struggling to get service fabric to do basic things - it's excellent when it works, but half the time it just doesn't - picking up mr smear (the car pleasantly like a sauna) and arriving home utterly drained, slugging down the remainder of my morning coffee (which was most of it) and returning to my mom's to crash on the couch for fifteen minutes before digging back in to service fabric until the end of my workday, with a fifteen minute break to be impressed by the codility demo test

buying a parking remote for my mom's, coming home to a grumpy family (apparently there were problems with the nanny) and vegan meringues that had flopped into flat toffee, taking mr smear to the park, finally meeting the israeli family from mr smear's best friend's class, mr smear taking a tumble while i was on the phone with horseman and combining legitimate crying with a tantrum that made me take him home and even crack open a beer once he finally calmed down... which was about fifteen minutes later...

my mom and her greek friend stopping over for drinks, chinese takeout for dinner, putting mr smear to bed and stumbling out of his room completely empty

the disappointment in louis ck (of all people) turning out to be a sex offender, making it through an episode of stranger things then going to bed with a phantom itch (psychosomatic or fleas?)

saturday 11th:

a horrible night, restless, uncomfortable and with two incidents of mr smear yelling "nooooo!" in his sleep (the second one leading to us getting up at 6am)

a slow morning, then preparing to go to the temple, dropping gd off and heading to the pharmacy but mr smear sleeping through the experience to make it especially uncomfortable

mr smear waking up in a stupor saying "i wanna eat ice cream", i told him that hummus was even better before giving him some and he wolfed it down happily

a decent temple morning, uncomfortable changing station, mixed feelings about a new friend

trying to go to the vegan market and turning back halfway, trying to induce nap time and failing, straining to handle a bored and tired toddler while exhausted and eventually (around 3pm) taking mr smear out in his stroller hoping he'd fall asleep, regretting that decision because he didn't sleep and the stroller interfered with doing other stuff he might have enjoyed; he wasn't interested in running on the promenade, tried to throw his cap at some ducks and then got pushy with another two year old on a slide. the evening wasn't too bad, though, sailor came over for a while (it was really cool that mr smear picked up that he needed hugs and gave him a few) and then i joined him, a coworker of his and protoplasm at a really nice (but remarkably expensive) sushi restaurant which had some delicious vegan sides and plenty of sake (which was our primary reason for being there)

lots of fun talk - probably quite inappropriate for almost any other group on a saturday night

...

sunday 12th:

4.30am where the fuck does this "not my bed" shit come from all of a sudden?! managing to get him down again and sneaking out with my heart in my throat

waking up really well at 7.30 and then mr smear rushing out of the living room screaming and not calming down until we put on his favourite show - but we still have no idea what caused the freak out in the first place

spirited away after dr horrible's sing-along blog stopped streaming, getting ready to take mr smear somewhere and having the morning thoroughly soured by a misunderstanding gone wrong

a pleasant visit to the aquarium, mr smear's luck with the coin-op on the way out, lunch on a step, enjoying a live band in nobel square and mr smear loving the slide there and making a bunch of friends before my mom brought her friend and gd for lunch

a disappointing make-your-own bowl that had potential, but i wouldn't have been able to enjoy it anyway as mr smear was tired, irritable and not hungry; he was very cute falling asleep singing b-i-n-g-o though

nap time, then coffee and taking mr smear on a big shopping mission, a pleasant evening with good food and lots of playfulness, putting him to bed and settling in for more stranger things - so damned good!

watching the seinfeld special just to make sure that my low rating was warranted, ending up passing in and out of consciousness on a suddenly uncomfortable couch (gd's noticed it too)

monday 13th:

1.30am woken from a weird dream where a french man caring for a women in a wheelchair who was relearning to read after a car accident in which her husband was killed taught me the funny song he'd made up about the event in front of her

4am smacking the cup of water next to me with my pillow after hours of restlessness, narrowly missing the sockets on the extension cord for my bedside lamp; sitting on the floor developing anxiety over the thought of getting into a swimming pool to actually swim for the first time in many years

4.30-5.30: clearing my inbox instead of taking the opportunity to be really productive

going back to bed, just beginning to get comfortable as mr smear woke up (as always), catching up on the couch, a mostly pleasant morning once i was up (even getting a little work done), dropping gd off at the chiropractor and mr smear at school, rushing home to let the nanny in, off to my mom's to work, being pretty productive until lunch time

taking about an hour to get mr smear out of the school, dropping him off at home and eating quickly before spending a couple more hours working then coming home to finally validate my azure troubles with a coworker that SxS has been assuring me we just me

taking mr smear for a fun walk to the playground, a pleasant evening and finishing season two of stranger things after putting mr smear to bed: they nailed it, i kinda hope they don't do another season.

work, a few distractions, this.

tuesday 14th:

and now bed.