life fail

shit. i can't even fill out a basic questionnaire at authentic happiness because of the situation i'm in at present. when i hit 30 i felt i was ahead of the curve and was very pleased with myself; i've had a productive and successful couple of years since but being stuck right now in the middle of my "sacrifice year" i can't say i'm feeling positive or satisfied about anything. i actually made a list today of things that should be motivating me when i realized that i'm properly depressed.

i've been sick now for a very long time (at least a couple of weeks), and while a major component of that may be physical there's obviously a significant impact from my being depressed. the issues at work have bled over into every aspect of my life and i cannot avoid attributing the exhaustion and lethargy i've been experiencing over the past few days to a lack of motivation. yes, i have bronchitis. but i don't have a fever (i actually went out to buy a thermometer today to make sure) even though that's exactly how i feel.

today, for instance, i woke up late but lay in bed restless; i didn't have the energy to get up or even read but i was definitely done sleeping. i lay sprawled on the couch watching telly - granted it's awesome telly - for most of the day and when i went out to do some quick shopping i was disappointed to learn that i'd spent a glorious day indoors with the curtains drawn.

...

there are a couple of steps i need to take, and the only problem with taking them is that they require motivation. which i only have in theory at the moment. vicious circle. must break it.

---last night vfmp came over for some tekken; i hope he enjoyed it in spite of the schooling he felt he received. i thought he did okay, actually :P

as he was leaving he made a comment about steaming and i decided that maybe my mother wasn't wrong. i set up the pot and the boiling water and the chair and the towel and got down to business. it was a lot of trouble to go to and i sat deeply inhaling steam for more than ten minutes. by the end my sinuses still felt stuffy and my night experiences remained unchanged. this reminds me of the first and last time i tried steaming: i think i'll pass.

little moments: walking out the pharmacy preceded by a girl singing to herself. out loud, with a beautiful voice.

---the advantage of being properly sick for more than a few days is the amount of effortless consumption i've allowed myself (in addition to a lot of tekken). this includes watching the first season of sherlock (2010): it's a lot of fun, mostly very clever, but each episode is the length of a full-length feature film! i don't know how to incorporate that into my notion of "television series".