disconnect / reconnected

friday 7:50pm:

we really are nuts. but the world is nuts, too, i guess it'll all even out in the end.

i don't remember when last i got a good night's rest, i probably posted about it enthusiastically but i cannot for the life of me remember which year it was. after six years in cape town, having arrived sleep deprived and in debt and with no idea what was going to happen next, we've now gotten on a plane (after weeks of furiously sorting and packing and dropping hundreds of dollars every time we spoke to anyone) and are halfway to the holy land, praying that they'll let us in and start setting our bureaucratic wrongs right.

six kilos of documents are weighing me down, but for some reason i have a mostly positive feeling about the way we're going about this and it kinda feels like the universe is almost cheering us on.

i mean, it does right at this moment, after a long night frantically packing and taking care of the insanely demanding administrative tasks involved in getting on a plane, and a couple of terrifying hours at the airport.

i don't think i mentioned our discovery three nights ago that mr smear's south african passport had expired. i'm usually on top of those sorts of things with alarms and alerts and what-have-you, but we were supposed to be out of here in *september* and we really didn't think we needed to care about it. and then there was also the story of gd's visa renewal application not being reflected in her passport.

and learning, in the middle of the night last night, in the dark during our second round of loadshedding for the day, that we'd overestimated how much carry-on luggage they'd let us have and underestimated how much hold luggage we needed.

anyway.

so mr smear's been handling this all very well, and he's been travelling pretty well too. his farewell circle at his school yesterday was super-sweet and everyone got a little emotional. we've been saying lots of goodbyes, making lots of big plans, and we still have no guarantee that we'll be let in when we get there - i can't say i'm not nervous.

our old ipad broke in the baggage compartment in the cabin earlier, because i packed it badly. it was right on top of this machine and i was a bit traumatized that this had suffered the same fate - *sheesh*.

i've been struggling to frame where i am psychologically, i'm like a functional burn-out. i have flashes of motivation and i'm totally capable, but it's so damned difficult to dive into things and enjoy them. i've spent so long worrying about the dark side of things that i've got to retrain my brain with this "it's going to be okay" mantra, and it's nigh-impossible to shake the feeling that i'm not doing enough, that i'm missing out, that i'm forgetting something...

breathing is hard.

on wednesday, i had a chat with my manager, and neither of us were expecting that conversation to go the way it did: i've effectively, though unofficially, given notice. he took it hard, not least because he was relying on my presence to take his upcoming paternal leave with an eased mind, and i think he panicked a little bit. i'm a little distressed that the big boss has been unavailable / has made himself unavailable to talk to me directly about it.

...

if i compare how we left cape town to how we left montréal, there's little to go by. i feel that that's in no small part due to my mother's efforts, and the fact that gd has had very real, competent help for the last few months since we replaced our domestic worker with her sister-in-law. not to sound ungrateful, but i don't see why she was given ALL of the ice-lollies when she left this morning, i would have liked to take one for the road.

...

i haven't posted anything on social media because i'm afraid of jinxing us. leaving "quietly" feels really weird.

speaking of social media, i was pleased that a friend i called out for being rude to sailor online was big enough to apologize and make amends. he's been deep into fighting the world on social media since covid hit... i was reading a little reality is broken earlier and i was wondering if it wouldn't be helpful to start "polite-ical dialog" groups on facebook to see if generating some level of constructive, civil debate is even possible these days.

i certainly wouldn't want to moderate it, though.

saturday:

two long flights, the first with a terrified autistic kid in the row behind us and the second with an obviously sick man right behind us wet-coughing and refusing to wear a mask. otherwise, we got through it just fine and arrived in ben gurion.

* mr smear eating a meal at 1.40am

* surreal yelling to get the first border interaction started

* the surprisingly straightforward entry

* mr smear actually helping us out between 3 and 4am, getting through PCR testing and getting to the hotel in the rain

* a complicated welcome, getting into bed as soon as possible

* my first re-encounter with tel aviv

* ordering in amazing hummus

* tahoma coming over for a few hours, a mission, knafe

sunday:

* getting a little work done, a quick and pleasant walkabout with gd and mr smear, then a mad rush to get out of our hotel room and get to the mongoose's with much difficulty with getting taxis

* an amazing reception, the mongoose winning over mr smear with an amazing videogame setup (including an arcade cabinet!)

* quick shopping

* realizing how urgently we needed sim cards, driving through to kenyon ayalon, gd going missing while "looking for me"

* being sorely disappointed by the apartment location walking all the wrong routes

* the viewing

* walking the opposite direction and loving the location

* returning to the mongoose's, complications ordering food and setting up my new number

* meeting the mongoose's partner and watching her win mr smear over with lego technic assistance

* gd's sudden and violent reaction to the cats

* a dramatic exit and moving in to their new, empty apartment with nothing but air mattresses: "camping in the middle of tel aviv"

monday:

omg it's monday. it was an insane monday. it was a very intense and wild and confusing monday.

waking up early to work, being absolutely freezing. walking along ben gurion for the first time in almost ten years to get coffee, then walking to the bank to try and open an account.

making an appointment to open the account next week (really?! apparently a covid thing)

a really shitty feeling from my boss (i was uninvited from the weekly meeting, i really think he's taken me leaving personally)

a confused day jumping between apartment things and working, barely eating anything (and then learning that i'm apparently at risk for an e-coli infection because i've been eating hummus leftovers)

my brain falling apart, but pushing through and leading a team security event

gd feeling lost, then finding herself and enjoying the area

the glorious shower after a day of feeling disgusting

an evening shopping with the mongoose and getting sushi (he's *really* winning mr smear over, like, we can't compete at this rate!)

awkward stress trying to navigate closing on the apartment, panicking in spite of the fact that if we *do* get it it's a miracle, then my mom pointing out that i'd misread the contract and simply wouldn't be able to pony up for the deposit, then realizing that i actually have enough pension available to cover it

accidentally sending my pension report to the landlord

gd's hand, having been scratched by the same damned cat, ballooning up.

trying to resolve an issue with my canadian credit card, trying to cancel our south african mobile numbers, failing on both counts

...

anyway, i'm exhausted and i have a technical interview in the morning, i'm going to bed feeling pretty positive that we'll get the apartment and feeling incredibly grateful to the universe in general and to the mongoose and his partner in particular - they really are our aliyah angels.