in spite of myself

what is this? this higher level set of functions that ensures that at every step of the way i can clearly see - from as objective a viewpoint as a subjective being can manage - scenes as they should be played out... is ignored, repeatedly, by some subconscious, almost masochistic hidden determination to always choose the most difficult situation possible.

on the one hand, i know that i probably shouldn't have gone over there in the first place. on the other, i probably shouldn't have come back home.