rant: death (of / to) a salesman

every pyramid scheme, "network marketing" plan or whatever happens to be the word of the day tries to convince naive idiots that it's different, more sophisticated, a sure thing and timed better than anything else.

it's all the same shit. nobody cares about the product itself and you have to spend a certain amount of time post-investment running around bullshitting other idiots in order to recuperate your loss. it's an archaic form of viral marketing that preys on the innocent to produce diseased minds in a world already suffering from a surplus of epic proportions.

the three topics that i'm covering here are product, pitch and sucker.

product
<company name deleted post argument and due to irrelevance>'s vitamin booster "technology" (we love that word. it's like "scientific"). the claim: a miracle cure for all your woes. it's a fucking vitamin supplement, claiming a new - patents pending, of course - "delivery mechanism" that you can gulp down or use as a lubricant. apparently it's "fun" to consume and tastes okay, although i refused to try it without seeing the list of ingredients and i was highly suspicious.
i kept wondering if they're using a substance that increases gullibility and tones down intelligence, and i couldn't suppress the urge to ask if there was silver-nitrate in it - it is from the alternate reality of the "wellness" industry after all, straight out of the NM juggernaut of utah. don't mormons come from utah?

and no, i'm not bothering to check out their website, because that's not actually the point of this rant.

apparently it's everything from herbal ecstacy to natural viagra to the first truly effective and healthy diet-drug. and of course, this actually works^TM. amazing!
and it comes in stylish "pharmacologically advanced" packaging that will not only attract attention (and stray cruise missiles) but can actually be used as a prophylactic measure too!

wonderful!

pitch
a 1.5 hour history lecture, a lesson covering economics and marketing from the NM perspective (of course, now being taught in all self-respecting universities, "including harvard" [i'm really quoting]) - that misinterprets and misrepresents the fundamental principles of those fields in a manner that left me and my business degree feeling strained and violated.

i guess i could have used some of that lubricant.

i'm going to ignore for the moment that whether the guy pitching is aware of it or not he spent every gosh-darned gum-flapping moment LYING^*. i'd rather focus on the age-old art of salesmanship, the curse of the gift of gab upon anyone slightly educated and with more than two brain-cells to rub together.

I HATE SALESMEN. i had the great fortune of growing up with a father who truly was one of the best. anyone who knows me knows that i didn't care very much for him (my understatement of the year), but his ability was, in my experience, not only undeniable but unparalleled, and it gave me an advantage in life: much like peter parker, i have an extra sense (slimey sense) that warns me when in the presence of a crap-flinger.

you want to see me get aggressive? bring on your "talk to convince" and your dale carnegie. speak enthusiastically yet vaguely, say things not immediately provable that sound wonderful and fantastic, give me all your personal experiences and tell me again how your sister got up out of her wheelchair and walked after years of prayer had gone unheeded, and avoid answering my questions.

and keep reminding me of how you're doing *me* a favour by letting me in on your big secret. you're my hero, my knight in shining armour.

sucker
this for me is the painful part. that's right, get your claws into someone i know and trust, and convince them to covertly call me over under pretense of including me in a new and promising venture.

i've had a long week, and getting all the way to his place, burning a hole in the seat, and angrily storming my way home cost me five hours of my life that i can never reclaim.

I NEEDED THAT SLEEP, and instead i wasted energy being agitated, frustrated, and feeling a deep sense of betrayal.

i cannot understand how these morons achieve such a high level of audacity: you've lied to me, wasted my time, and on top of that you ask me to hold my questions for the end, be respectful, and then act affronted when i bail early? i have to take all this drivel? on whose authority?

oh, yeah - and my favourite part of it all... the message i received this morning.

"DON'T TELL ANYONE!"

ps. i am shocked and horrified that spot remained, and that at least on some level has fallen for this "new and different" shit.

^* when i reached my first boiling point and opened my mouth, he swore to me that i was about to hear about something i'd never come across before - i checked him on that loudly and abrasively.

and when i called him on it later, after he'd pretty much gotten to the point, he merely shrugged it off. i could've hit him. i don't actually know what held me back.