going around in circles

i feel like i'm trapped between rocks and hard places.

i have a sinking feeling that i'm out of time for the embedded model solution i've been working on, but at the same time i have the boss *strongly* encouraging me to continue and i do feel like i'm *almost* there.

last night the woman from the morning contacted me to say the apartment's too small for her.

i had a rough night last night, the new cream doesn't seem to be doing its thing. gd was up all night too, so we were both a bit miserable this morning...

mr smear, meanwhile, woke up just a little *too* excitable and loud :/

for both him and me, the early morning was predominantly about moon knight and getting the midi device playing nicely with garageband.

then we hopped on a weekend bus to his friend's place, and i moseyed on to the museum (picking up a coffee next to habima on the way), and i spent about three hours tinkering with local LLM development until my battery almost died.

i came home for a while, now i'm on my way to pick up my boy and return home again.

delicacy

 night has fallen, the candles are lit, the challah-peño dough is rising. i have a shot glass of rum i'm slowly sipping, and tool's lateralus album is playing, and mr smear is on the couch behind me reading moon knight after having finished the hebrew translation of lightfall.

nobody knows what's happening with iran and china tonight, or tomorrow night, or next week, but we're happy and grateful to have a calm moment right here, right now.

...

mr smear struggled last night and all day with a stuffy nose, but we had a really nice morning together and he was well enough to go to school. then someone came to look at the apartment and decided she wanted to proceed - coming in on the 1st was a problem, but gd and i talked it over and we agreed that the 15th was acceptable. not only does it mean someone taking over our obligations, but it gives us a couple of weeks' breathing room which is meaningful.

gd and i took a bus to the school, which was packed with families milling around appreciating all the artwork. mr smear guided us through his grade's stuff, he only had two pieces on display but they were really good, and we were amazed by a lot of what we saw - there're a lot of really talented kids there.

aside from the awkward horror of watching one of his friends' train-wreck family in action, and a couple of awkward moments with some other parents as well, it was a very good experience for all.

and then i managed to corner mr smear's teacher for an impromptu parent-teacher discussion, and confirmed that she's noticed and is appreciative of mr smear's efforts to sort himself out over the past week or two 🙏

mr smear got gd to point and laugh just as a bunch of his classmates were told "NO" when they were trying to leave early without adult supervision, and it was awkward for everyone.

we took the light rail to the hospital complex on the way home, stumbling upon an actual spar along the way and buying delicious candy-like dried strawberries, amongst other things, and then it was time for pharmacy and shopping. the pharmacy took a ridiculously long time, but mr smear set himself up in the food court and worked on his new comic idea.

once gd and i were done, we had lunch (i'd been passing out from exhaustion, but i managed to scarf down 

[pause mid-sentence to fight with my wife over "letting" mr smear read moon knight - he just asked me what "evisceration" means - after i explained that i already told him i haven't read it and i don't approve of him reading it. i can't force him. gd just asked if there's any sex stuff in it, and he said no, so she just raised her hands and gave up]

a really good falafel pita (mr smear had a "salad pita", gd sampled the rice with peas and dill she bought for the weekend) and then we walked home.

the rest of the afternoon had been pretty relaxed, and hopefully the shabbat will be too 🤞🙏

...

right, those dried strawberries aren't going to eat themselves.

the brain slimes out the headcase

i woke up from a strange dream where i reconnected with my first branch commander and his family out in the middle of nowhere. when i got up i couldn't remember his name, but firefighter came to the rescue and i could return to a reality in which it really doesn't matter :P

 today began with an argument over the couch, which *i* had thought we were keeping, and which i'm now scrambling to sell before the move. and i tried to put our mattress on facebook marketplace, but because i used the word "orthopaedic" it was identified as medical equipment.

i could only ask for a review on the grounds of "it's not offensive in my country" and "it was a joke",  and the review was obviously just as automated as the original misclassification. and then, to make things worse, i couldn't edit or delete it because it had been flagged, and i couldn't re-create it either because it was detected as a duplicate 🤦

a sweet couple came to look at the apartment this morning, right after i returned from the hardware store with putty and shpachtel and a replacement showerhead for our last week because ours sprung a leak last night, and they absolutely loved it and we all really clicked over our rick & morty and adventure time pictures on the walls.

i arrived at work a bit later than usual, fielded a call from a scary-looking woman who asked incisive questions, and then dived into work.

...

work today - aside from forcing myself to take a lunch break - was completely ridiculous. as a hired "expert", i probably shouldn't be reveling out loud in the fact that this is my first mlops experience, but my gods, this is a discipline of complete masochists and/or trolls.

my first success was navigating the docker resources required to actually run a model in an ml instance, and the next was figuring out how to request predictions. but then i had to deal with logits and understand that the model i was using didn't include the labels it was trained with. so the data scientist who helped me yesterday jumped in enthusiastically to help, and the two of us were like kids trying to find buried pirate treasure with a riddle of instructions and no idea which map they referred to. or whether or not that map was accurate.

by the end of the day, we'd managed to synthesize a massive dataset of sample sentences (in 235 different languages) manually using google sheets and gemini, and we'd coerced a cursor agent to run a script against the deployed model that took our dataset plus a guessed label mapping and try to figure out what the mapping *should* look like, and we were surprised and amazed when the first iteration showed a fair amount of success and gave us a great starting point.

just before i called it a day - it was already much later than i'd intended to stay in the office, and my brain felt like it was oozing out my ears and nostrils - my boss/client appeared. we enthusiastically caught him up, but he didn't like my original plan, which was to give the project until the end of today and then make a call to use a temporary fallback to avoid blocking an end-of-next-week delivery.

"you should be more optimistic", he told me.

now i'm at a point where i know i'm not going to work over the weekend, but it's going to be bugging me that i might need to work over the weekend in order to make this deadline.

...

i walked home, had a very serious discussion with mr smear (he made a bad call today, and may have initiated some real bullying by some kids in his class), but then moved on to more positive things and dinner and showertime and bedtime were great.

i'm sure i'm forgetting something, but it's late and i need to chill a little.

...

it’s (hopefully) mr smear's second-last day of his no-reading punishment. yesterday i told him that if he reads hebrew it counts as homework, not reading time, and he’s embraced that loophole and is thoroughly engrossed in a hebrew graphic novel i bought a while back :P

the gaping maw

 what the hell happened today?

the morning started well, i had less dishes to do because i'd done half of them the night before, and my biggest distractions from reading more planetes came from mr smear engaging me in interesting conversation.

i got some offers for moving companies, and while i think i jumped on one too early, the guy sold me with his pitch that they're mostly olim and miluimnikim, it was the best price that still included all the "basics" (like insurance), and they did have good reviews (assuming they weren't bots).

a little more than half the price i was previously quoted.

otherwise, lots of communications surrounding the apartments.

i got to work in time to make coffee before my meeting, and while a lot of my day was frustrating (obstacles hidden behind obstacles, it was obstacles all the way down) i did enjoy some successes and i got confirmation from external sources that i'm on the right path.

lunchtime was weird; i went with a small group to the same shuwarma place, but they were clearly drowning in lunchtime demand and nobody seemed to know what they were doing. so it took a while before i finally got my order in (for the same thing i got last time, the poor cashier had to call his boss to clarify that what i wanted was legit) and then it took forever to get served, and then the high-strung server "did me a favor" by putting four things in a tray with three spaces and warned me this would be the last time.

i was more amused than anything, but one of the other guys got way worse treatment and was so pissed off that he's now on a mission to properly boycott them.

my client / boss sat next to me at lunch for a personal conversation. he seems cool.

i was uncomfortable all afternoon, i've developed a rash that i don't have time for :(

i called in the data engineering cavalry at the end of the day, and left on a note of partial success. also, complete bewilderment that an entire field can be at the mercy of cruel tooling that makes every step unpleasant guesswork.

i came home, unburdened myself (i'd fielded calls and messages all day), and then entered some drama with our landlords. only to be served a good helping of humble pie, because i'd apparently misinterpreted her responses last week and she is willing to keep the rent the same for the new tenants' long-term! that was an enormous relief.

oh, and mr smear had his own drama - some kid or kids has been destroying the bathroom taps, and the grade supervisor apparently made it clear she suspected him when she talked to the class about it. he seems genuinely upset ("i've do some really bad things, but i've never destroyed school property!") and i almost wrote something to his teacher, then realized that there is absolutely nothing i can write or that he can say that doesn't make him seem more suspicious.

and no matter how i feel about it, i really can't know for sure.

we had a good dinner, a generally good shower/bedtime routine (tool - ænima) and mr smear sung himself to sleep after i said goodnight, very excited that we're coming to see his artwork on display on friday ^_^

after that, i read through the revised contract the new landlord sent, which is almost ready, and then handled some random shit. including learning that there's a school website i didn't know about, filled with all sorts of reports including some of mr smear's misbehaviors... i'm very grateful it's only the minor ones so far :P

addendum: anxiety diet

 the anxiety diet continues to be effective; i dropped below 77kg yesterday for the first time since my early twenties. scrapper's comment on saturday about expecting me to have learned to handle stress better is rolling around my head a lot.

oh, and i showed mr smear maynard taking down a drunk fan and continuing to sing. he's agreed that as long as he doesn't have to do mma, he's ready to get back into jiujitsu. i told him and gd that we'll look into that as soon as we're over the move.

t-minus 12

 i didn't sleep enough last night, but i did wake up feeling less wrecked than the past two days. after doing a ton of dishes, and exploding at my family because there'd been a whole conversation about mr smear switching art streams and nobody had thought it worth discussing it with me*,  i actually had time to read makoto yukimura's planetes over coffee.

so far, planetes is really interesting hard sci-fi, and the artwork is amazing.

* i feel horrible, too, because he wants to do music and aside from burning a huge amount of money on this move, i have no idea what we'll be able to afford once we're there.

after mr smear left for school, we had a brief window of quiet before our alarms went off reminding us of an important appointment about nerve blocks that we'd both completely forgotten about. thank god we had the authorization ready already...

we walked to the pain clinic, and the doctor was very understanding and sympathetic. it was good that i went, though - gd's communication issues aren't always around language :P

from there i said goodbye and walked to my client's office, arriving in time to make myself a coffee (every morning there's an issue with the coffee machine on our side of the building, so it's a whole thing) before my daily meeting with my bulgarian teammates.

i'm under a ton of pressure, and (along with a bunch of others) lost hours of work today due to wifi issues. i even went home thinking it might work from there - also taking the opportunity to eat lunch, and discover that gd's been using our supposedly vegan fridge to store eggs, which upset me because we explicitly agreed no animal products in our kitchen - and when i couldn't get it to work from home i returned to the office and found the poor IT guy and got in line and eventually got sorted out.

the rest of my day was investigation in ML models, and learning how to run opensearch instances locally, and syncing with the two teams (overcoming a massive, weird communication problem with the only team member with tribal team knowledge), and having a massive info dump with a new face (fortunately recorded), and being unexpectedly hugged by my client / boss when he saw me 🤷

[oh, yeah - there was an "incident" last night when he chided me for introducing myself in a chat as a contractor. but i'm definitely a contractor 🤔]

i called mr smear after school ended to check in because gd made me paranoid that he'd skipped / gone to the wrong arts class. he freely admitted that he might get into trouble for touching his teacher's computer, but he assured me that he'd received permission from another teacher. you'd better believe i messaged that other teacher to confirm, and i was relieved when she not only confirmed, but also praised his behavior 😌

when i got home, it was to discover that gd and mr smear had gotten most of the way through his history homework - alexander the great, and military formations - so i took over from her and we managed to complete it before dinner, with only one minor incident that involved me convincing him that procrastination is poison and that it would feel much better to get it over with as soon as possible.

i was amazed when he agreed, relieved and pleased when he finished the work, and then we could sit down and have a very pleasant leftover dinner before heading into shower and bedtime.

i don't know which i'm more excited about: mr smear getting on my psytrance vibe for most of the routine, or him asking me (just prior to toenail treatment time) to switch to tool - pushit.

his toenails. i don't know if they're getting better. they're so fucking damaged it's horrifying, it's been horrifying to do the treatment every night. i really hope they're getting better somehow.

...

after receiving a ridiculous quote from a mover this morning, gd and i spent a large chunk of the evening trying to get quotes to compare. now it's 11pm and i need to decide whether i should go to bed (i definitely should), or do something entertaining. lightly entertaining, because i've been (obviously) watching lots of streams about iran, and today i learned about the british government agreeing to install the CCP in london, and then about the kurds in syria which i can't figure out if it's good or bad, and holy shit the world feels scary and messy.

if there must be ballistic missiles fired our way, it would be amazing if they could hold off for another 12 days so that we have an in-apartment bomb shelter 🙏

a lost work day

 am i sick? i don't know. but i was soooo tiiiired today, i had trouble not falling asleep at my desk, and then during a lecture. i've also decided that just like i'm lactose-intolerant, i'm also meeting-and-presentation-intolerant. similar symptoms, too: i get real sleepy.

what did i achieve today? i managed to find proof and convince social security that they were supposed to pay me unemployment for december. the packing boxes arrived today. i got mr smear through his hebrew homework (even if it did take until 22.30, and there was occasional drama), and i managed to post our apartment on two sites even if i don't believe anyone's really going to want it (i had three people respond so far, each ending up more disappointed than the last).

oh, and i got authorized for time off for the move (and its follow-up ikea-day), and i had a positive first "roadmap" session with my mentor.

work-wise, i'm not sure i got much done.

...

i am feeling a lot less anxious about the move than i've been since last week.

i'm feeling very anxious about what's happening in iran.

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adrenaline dump

 i barely slept last night, and i woke up absolutely exhausted. so much so that i thought i might literally be sick. but i revisited the messages, and the advice i got from our friend, and i effectively scrapped my original, well-thought-out but ultimately combative response and made nice, and the response we received was reciprocally positive. i also got a very positive response from the new landlord, when i was being cautious because i know he's not asking anything that isn't standard.

so this morning was a huge relief on that front.

gd and i did the grocery shopping, and then i hurriedly took photos of our big belongings for the mover (i really felt like i was casing my own joint), and continued adding on to the list of things that need doing, then i had to leave for work in the rain, only once on the way realizing i needed to be working from my employer's office.

i called our kibbutz cousin to wish her a happy 70th birthday along the way, then walked in to the office with a dripping umbrella (and nowhere to put it) and tried to warm myself up with a sequence of hot drinks.

i managed to make some progress in understanding the data pipeline project, but i had a lot of trouble staying focused. eventually i got up to take a walk and pick up an early lunch, and sync with gd along the way, who'd been dealing with a bunch of stuff herself.

after lunch, and a long chat with a kibbutznik coworker who travelled africa extensively in the 90s, i finally sat back down for an hour of focus-time. that was when i realized that the chairs in our office are the same as in the wework that i suffered in a couple of years ago. it got so bad i had to move to a couch.

both before, and after, moving the couch, i was having a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open. but i did learn some important stuff. i have to say, if it wasn't for the combination of half-decent documentation and ai i don't know where i'd be right now.

then it was time for the final session of the weekly agentic courses i've been taking. i understand what was being taught, but me and the tools did not get along. when things calm down i'm going to get back in the ring with opencode and ollama and see if i can get them to play nicely. in the meanwhile, no matter what i did - mostly trying to copy and paste the prompts that everyone was doing fine with - my ai agents were playing dumb and i couldn't get anything done.

it was a relief to know that as frustrated as i was, i wasn't the only person in the class, but i think that there might only have been two of us...

my brain was cooked by the time i got on the bus home, and i put on some psytrance and tried to get in some meditation time. it was working, my mental state was stabilizing, when a bunch of big, brutish bus conductors stormed the bus to check our tickets. aside from telling myself "this is fine", i didn't think much of it and carried on being in my head, but a short while later i started hearing strange sounds (the wrong kind of strange) and i paused the track to discover that one of the thugs was having a fight with the bus driver, a big, elderly man, and for too long it looked like they were about to come to blows.

eventually their fight climaxed (to my knowledge) with the bus driver confronting the conductor to take a photo of his badge, and that almost got physical, and then when the conductor asked him his name he responded, in a heavy israeli accent, "james bond".

and then we were all treated to the two of them calling their bosses at the same time to report each other, each one telling a different story and none of us having any idea what had actually gone down initially.

i got off the bus a stop early, even more on edge than before i got on.

i came home to a pile of dishes that needed doing, and i was going to work through mr smear's history test studying with him but he informed me (and it was later confirmed) that he'd actually completed the test earlier already. so we sat down to do his upcoming literature homework, which is the story of pompeii.

it - took - forever. and i honestly felt bad for him, because the language was very difficult (lots of dictionary lookups for me) and every time he got into it he'd start talking about it in wonder, or making jokes, or going off on tangents about things in the text, and on the one hand i really wanted to encourage him engaging in the text but on the other, we had a limited amount of time to get through it :(

we paused for dinner, and then resumed after, and i'm very pleased to report that the second half went much faster. i made sure to give him some encouraging words when i said good night after that, and he seemed pretty pleased with himself.

i was falling asleep myself by that stage, but i still had to shower. so i did, and then i wasn't feeling quite so tired any more. it's now an hour later, i have a ton of stuff to do, but i have to make sure i catch up on some sleep because tomorrow's also going to be a high-pressure day.

not enough drama!

 it's late, and i was already tired a while ago, but i've spent the past couple of hours putting together messages for our current and future landlords and i'll send them in the morning.

...

last night would have been far less stressful if i hadn't seen the response from our current landlords to my earlier message, which was offensively stupid. i wish i hadn't seen it then, and i wish i hadn't read it to gd, because we were both shocked and furious. we rushed to get to our friends (soon-to-be neighbors) with the freshly baked challah-peño (it was a bit of a flop - great challah texture but unexciting taste), realized when we finally got there that we'd left the ice cream at home, so i rushed back to grab it and chatted with my mom along the way.

the evening was great, largely cathartic, dinner was excellent and i drank just enough wine for my nervous system to calm down a bit. mr smear had a great time with the kids, all was well.

we got home late, and sleepy, and everyone went to bed pretty quickly.

today:

this morning i got up early-ish, pretty much finished ping-pong (it's great) and got most of the dishes done. gd and i were both surprised when mr smear woke up and informed me that he wanted to go to the swimming pool. NOT by bike.

so i had a quick breakfast, grabbed my second coffee and off we went. it was a very nice walk there, through a park we weren't familiar with, and we spent about an hour and a half in the pool, mostly just splashing about. before we left the pool to brave the cold air between the pool area and the locker room in order to shower, mr smear told me he might be willing to go back to jiujitsu training if he doesn't have to do mma.

i'll take it.

the showers there are great. once we were done mr smear decided that he really wanted a laffa for lunch (breakfast, really), and the only place open was the shuwarma place by the port.

it was a loooong but entertaining walk to the port, and then we had two huge laffot, preceded by mr smear eating pickled carrots without complaining  (he usually hates carrots) and even about half of a really hot hot pepper.

[omg my hands are so freaking dry, my skin's cracking all over]

halfway through my laffa i had a suspicion that i may have overpayed - google pay doesn't show you the amount when it verifies - and after an only-slightly uncomfortable back-and-forth we determined that he'd charged me 200 shekels for an 80 shekel meal... at least i caught it while still there.

we both enjoyed the meal, but mr smear really shouldn't have forced himself to finish his. we had a long walk home (with a couple of minor incidents of being rained on), most of which was him complaining about a sore stomach...

gd prepared the bath before we arrived, and he warmed up and soaked for a long while. then scrapper's niece came by to pick up his bass guitar and amp, which i'm sad to say i've barely touched since he left it with me, and after sorting out mr smear's toenails scrapper called, and we both had a lot to talk about (during which time, i later realized, mr smear was sitting in his room, drawing and listening to tool on his phone). then it was dishes time, during which time we discovered a really gross mold situation that needed a lot of cleaning, and then i cleaned the area where the guitar had been sitting for ages and accidentally pulled out one of the hooks for the fibre cable.

neither mr smear nor i really needed dinner, so we ate some fruit and the three of us played pictionary for a while before he had to go to bed.

another really good saturday together, he said ^_^

now it's my turn. tomorrow's scaring me, hopefully i'll get some rest before it begins.

...

the situation in iran is horrifying. the fact that nobody's swooping in to help the persians is horrifying.

trying to remember to breathe

 ooooomgomgomgomg

i slept kind of alright last night. gd barely slept at all - she was completely devastated. convinced that we couldn't have a pet in the new apartment, and convinced that the new apartment is a must-have, she was torn and deeply unhappy.

at one point i said to her that if we couldn't convince him otherwise, we should probably move on.

so i sent him a carefully-worded message first thing, and we then spent the next two hours fretting anxiously because it didn't make sense to take any further action without an answer. we were discussing the situation with my mom when he finally called back.

i told him that the clause was deeply problematic for us, after a brief preamble, and he immediately cut me off to make it clear that the clause was a mistake, and that he has absolutely no issue with animals.

*phew*

also, that he wants to do the contract for a year and a half, not half a year, which i'd completely misunderstood.

*also phew*

so i put together messages for our current landlords (who got back to us complaining how their son was sick, and that they needed to think about how to screw things up for us and themselves), and for our neighbors, and had breakfast quickly, and then left to the shops, where i once again failed to get a refund for a bunch of useless bowls we bought - it took a long time to not get the service i thought we'd been promised - and pick up a gorgeous gift for the mongoose's daughter's third birthday, and then we returned home, dropped off the things we needed to drop off, and headed out again to take a bus to meet with mr smear.

by that stage, the city had warmed up and wearing a sweater or a coat proved to be a mistake.

he met us at the light rail station and we continued on to allenby, but i received a call from the movers and we missed our stop, ending up at elifelet - just perfect :/

fortunately, our experience there was much smoother than my last one, and we managed to get on a train back within ten minutes. we then walked to the mattress store for a reunion, and after a lot of lying down decided that we both wanted the same mattress - the one mr smear has - but we're still ordering them as singles (that are supposed to fit on the queen-sized base we currently have) and if one of us is unhappy that doesn't need to affect the other.

we walked a bit and caught a bus to the mongoose's, getting off early in the hopes of finding some food. we happened to go past and into the very expensive, very touristy cafexoho, which is fortunately quite vegan-friendly.

mr smear was still hungry when we left, so i let him have some of my really good sesame bagel. mr smear has always had a thing about sesame seeds - he can't stand the texture - and he loved it.

[a pause to deal with the discovery that mr smear picked his scabs again after we just had a whole thing about not doing that, and he has a proper wound on his hand again]

we arrived at the mongoose's, and met up with his parents for the first time since we've been in israel. of course, i fumbled his mom's name (i was close, but it was embarrassing). anyway, we had a really nice afternoon, the gift seems to have been well-received, and we all talked a lot.

then suddenly it was time to go. we ended up walking home, stopping for ice-cream along the way (way more sugar than any of us needed), picked up a bottle of wine and some tubs of ice-cream for tonight, came home, and began preparing the challah-peño. we used a lot of jalapeño, the dough ended up really wet, i hope it comes out well.

...

the stress of the previous weeks combined with the stress of the coming weeks is overwhelming. absolutely overwhelming.

cutoff

 omg what a day. i'm tired-but-wired, some of which is due to the excitement and some of which is due to my having looked for decaf coffee late in the afternoon, having found colombian coffee instead, realizing after preparing it that i didn't want more caffeine, but drinking it anyway so as not to waste it.

...

firstly, a lot of stressing, but in the late afternoon the landlord finally confirmed that the apartment was ours. after dinner and mr smear's toenail treatments (during which time i discovered he's still scratching holes in his hands and legs, which is driving me demented), gd and i walked over to take measurements, and had a really wholesome chat with the guy (and his filipino caretaker).

gd's in need of a nerve block again, the walk there and back were tough for her :(

work-wise, i'm not sure how today went. i'm feeling a bit out of my depth with a tech stack i'm completely unfamiliar with :/

gd went to the dentist in the afternoon, and discovered that the issue is with a neighboring tooth, not the one she previously thought. this means she has three teeth demanding very expensive treatment plans, rather than two (one of which she finally just completed). jesus h. christ in a bucket.

after completing some important admin for my new employer, and putting more stuff on my moving apartments todo list, i went through the contract terms. it's mostly fine, there're a couple of minor clauses that are a concern, but then we came across a heartbreaking clause that states that no animals are allowed.

so i guess we're going to have an interesting conversation tomorrow. this has taken all the wind out of gd's sails :(

...

during dinner and shower time, mr smear was all about tool (particularly parabol and parabola). we discussed jimmy, because i suddenly realized today what intermission is all about - it's the innocent, happy childhood that's disrupted by the tragedy (his mother being left paralyzed after an aneurysm) - while his feet soaked, we sang along to ænema together.

yes, i know the lyrics are inappropriate, but he does too.

anyway, as a long-time tool fan, this is really special.

liminality

 mr smear told us earlier that today was the first day he remembers enjoying school.

...

a mostly sane wake-up, dishes, ping pong (i'm just more than halfway through), and after mr smear left for school it was dealing with pension / insurance stuff, and beginning a response to my boss/client who finally replied to my first update with a whole list of questions.

i arrived at work a minute late for my first meeting (this is becoming a thing, i have to be more careful in the mornings), and it was another long, very busy day. some of it productive, but not visibly so, by me having conversations with the stakeholders that triggered some very serious "debates" between them. i'm going to have to be very attentive and careful to not step on anyone's toes... which is literally a part of the job description.

i joined a few people on a lunch mission, which ended up being to a shuwarma place - fortunately, they had a plate full of side-dishes on the menu which was vegan and delicious. on the way out everyone was shocked to discover i'm vegan, which triggered some very serious discussions. the woman who came with us - a mother of two - literally cried when i told her what mr smear had had to contend with in his previous school regarding his dairy allergies and bullying.

we had to stop talking about nutrition and food safety over lunch because the guy in the team i'm embedded in started losing his appetite :P

...

i left a bit early to meet gd and mr smear at our friends' neighbor's apartment to take a look. we were there for a while, the disabled landlord seems genuinely decent and the apartment looks great, but he's putting us under enormous pressure to take it from february 1st, ostensibly because he has another potential tenant and he's giving us a chance as a favor to our friends.

it's a little further away from where we want to be than we are already, but it's on a corner with bus stops that work for us. and it's closer to another street we're happy shopping on, and the park. it's potentially a lot noisier than where we are, but the windows seem built for it. and winter. it's a big space with one more room than we're used to, but there's a poorly-conceived wall that divides what would otherwise be a wonderful open-plan kitchen and living area. there are multiple bathrooms, though each one has minor problems. not serious ones. it has an in-apartment bomb shelter. it's a little more expensive than our current apartment, but it's still very reasonable.

mr smear's very enthusiastic about it, and i made gd try and find faults but she's generally feeling positive about it. i walked out feeling very pressured, which i really don't like.

on the one hand, i don't want to make a decision under pressure - real or artificial - and this is a big decision. aside from the risks you take with any move to a new apartment, this is potentially burning two months' rent if we don't find someone to replace us. but at the same time, there's no guarantee we'll get a better deal than this if we don't take it. in fact, based on the past couple of days of looking, i'd be very surprised if we find something else even close to this good for us.

but there's no oracle we can consult, no human being on the planet who can guess whether we should take it or pass. there's no right or wrong answer.

i rushed through some of the dishes when we got home, then headed out to meet tahoma, and we went to rainbow for their sensational burgers. afterwards we took a long stroll looking for a dessert, and then i took my leave to get home in time to handle mr smear's toenails and put him to bed.

between discussing things with tahoma, and discussing them with my mother, i got most of the way home still very much undecided about what to do.

but then, just before i arrived home, i realized something important: if we don't take this apartment, there's a very good chance we'll have to use a real estate agent. and real estate agents - even though it's illegal - take an additional month's rent from the tenant as fees. which means that us taking this apartment is effectively only a loss of a single month (more than we would have lost anyway), and there's still a chance to reclaim some of that loss if we can find a replacement tenant quickly.

so now we have a plan. a scary plan, but a plan.

...

i read a bit of the beginning of sophocles i to mr smear at bedtime. he's into bits of it, but i don't think he's really ready.

the big stuff

 i'm seriously on edge, feeling psychologically overwhelmed, and each step through my day feels less real than the one before.

at least my morning procedure lends some sanity to my days. i wake up, do dishes, then drink my coffee while reading a physical book. i'm about halfway through ping pong and it's getting interesting.

after mr smear left, i took care of the work i *should* have done last night (it only took twenty minutes, but it needed my brain to be online), and the rest of the morning was all about finding a new apartment to rent.

i was cold before i left our warm apartment and headed out into winter, walked across the bridge and arrived at the office just in time to make myself a hot coffee before meeting with my teammates and the manager i've now seen twice since he interviewed me.

aside from a couple of distractions - not least being a potential landlord who's understandably quite nervous about leaving his apartment empty - i spent most of my day on my bum, working hard, actually coding.

i feel pretty confident that the changes i pushed before i left the office were good. i really hope so. it's my first real java coding since 2019...

i've been developing a bit of a tic over the past few months, so i was embarrassed when the team i'm embedded in called me to the all hands and my automatic response was a loud, honest HAIYAA...

on the way home, i had to stop for a driver rolling forward with his eyes on his phone, and then i literally almost peed myself crossing a highway (with the light) wearing my hoodie and my coat hood up, so nervously checking behind me, when a car zoomed by honking full blast because someone in front of me went through the red 🤦

the evening went pretty well, although mr smear was moving in slo-mo for a lot of it, as was the poor delivery guy for the hummus (gd was struggling this afternoon), and then i ate too much, and then mr smear and i had a series of awesome moment listening and singing along to tool (lateralus - he informed me that he's now old enough to really appreciate it), and then at bedtime he refused to say goodnight because he was upset with me, which he relatively quickly explained was because i'd said (while treating his ingrown toenails) that i obviously didn't beat him enough as child, but then he (miraculously) gave me a chance to remind him that the words following that were "so you didn't learn to be afraid of not listening to me which would have saved you this horrible story with your toenails". and then we were cool, and he explained to me that as a consequence of me not beating him enough we have a good relationship, to which i agreed that that was an upside, though there are downsides. and then his humor and energy levels rose (this was after 9pm) and i had to pin him down to say goodnight, and that turned into a short bout of roughhousing, which fortunately ended without any further bad vibes.

i've been writing this post for a long time now, but mainly because that HAIYAA turned into watching hot ones with gd, and i think i might be going to bed soon.

i can't shake the feeling that i'm forgetting a whole bunch of important, urgent things somehow, but i can't and shouldn't do more right now other than put one foot in front of the other and focus on the big stuff.

still waiting...

 the threats from iran are escalating (while they're massacring the persian people), and there's been a (literal) storm brewing (i was supposed to meet with tahoma earlier, but cancelled when i realized that i didn't have an umbrella on me), and i'm supposed to finish a PR i started this afternoon...

...

mr smear left for school seeming prepared for his history test, which he reported went well. he's also reported that he behaved well at school all day, but we never know until the reports come in...

the biggest thing about this morning, aside from a whole thing about gd and her dentists, was that we finally started looking for a new apartment. which caused a fair amount of distraction throughout the day.

it was a mostly-positive work day (half work day), except for me forgetting my sunglasses in the office when i hopped home for lunch, and high winds were making little dust twisters all along the way, and then me getting back to the office late for a meeting with one of my teammates... and then the train station entrance i needed to get to my employer's office was closed, and i *just* made it in time for my meeting with my mentor, or would have had he not cancelled at the last minute...

the rest of the afternoon was a lecture, some vegan dimsum and a proper seaweed salad, an awkward "game" debating technology opinions with no context, and chatting with some of my coworkers before heading out.

...

i was very relieved to make it home without being rained on. mr smear's hebrew reading homework was good, dinner was great (mr smear impressing me with his improving heat tolerance after having spilled too much habanero honey mustard sauce), and the rest of the evening went pretty smoothly. now i have to decide whether i have it in me to finish the PR or leave that until morning.

i should probably leave it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

waiting for news...

 today was a weird day. mr smear woke up from a nightmare in the early morning, and his yelling woke me up from my own nightmare, from which i didn't get back to sleep.

one achievement was getting mr smear to agree to post his cartoon from yesterday, and after frustratedly trying a bunch of apps i ended up using gimp to crop it correctly. at least i had gimp.

it took a while, but i managed to get an answer regarding my unemployment, and i've put in a request to the employment office to submit my status to social security like they were supposed to...

i don't remember why i ended up having to rush to get to the office (my employer's office, not my client's), but i arrived *just* in time for a call with an insurance agent. after that, i found a desk and got to work.

it was a very quiet morning, but i did have a chat with a coworker who i learned is on contract with the company i was interviewing with when i signed my contract, which was interesting.

i went to sumsum for lunch, which was an opportunity to have a proper sync with my mom about mr smear's situation and warm up in the sun.

in the afternoon, we had the third session for our AI workflow course, and i was a lot more focused than the previous one. we ended a bit early, which gave me time to get home in time for my phone appointment with mr smear's doctor, who's apparently written me the referrals i asked for.

apparently mr smear had a good day, meaning he didn't get into big trouble.

...

after a long, long time using brave, i've finally reinstalled chrome and copied everything back over. there's so much good about brave, especially the vertical tabs, but i've finally lost patience with not having address history, and the syncing doesn't work as well...

...

aside from a fight with gd over musical tastes (it's a long, decade-old story), the evening was smooth, dinner was good and - oh, yeah. mr smear only went to bed around 9pm because he still had a whole lot of studying to do for his greek history test tomorrow.

oh! mr smear spoke to me in hebrew this evening, entirely of his own volition.

now i'm watching revolution updates from tousi tv and being devastated to have learned tonight that cory doctorow is jewish and has fallen hook, line and sinker for the palestinian genocide lie, and we're praying that we don't need to enter the bomb shelters tonight (or at all) because gd can't breathe down there...

the persian people have to win this. their bravery is incredible.

extra steps

 after getting home soaked yesterday, we took turns showering, after which i recall very little of the afternoon. i'm pretty sure i napped under layers of blankets, i read a bit of taiyo matsumoto's ping pong, and i helped gd prepare the challah-peño taking our neighborhood baker's advice.

it came out much better quality in terms of the challah itself, but it didn't taste quite as good (intense) as it smelled :(

dinner was really nice, and the late night was mostly due to watching iran revolution-related stuff and tool / a perfect circle reactions.

i slept alright.

this morning was a lot of reading, and watching stuff, and then mr smear woke up (late) and we got into breakfast time. did i nap before we went out, or afterwards? i don't know. but we did go out for a nice walk (we were going to join nystire and co. but they got rained in) without argument, during which i convinced mr smear to draw a comic he's been thinking of.

he did that when we got back - oh! that's when i napped - and the outcome was excellent (and funny) but he doesn't want it published and he won't tell me why... *pouts*

i finally sat down to work on reviewing a whole bunch of the AI-generated code in my side project, uncovering really strange hallucinations (eg. a nonce that's generated immediately before being checked within the same function) and fixing a few actual bugs, and then suddenly it was 3pm and mr smear and i geared up, grabbed the vegan hot dogs gd had prepared for us, and walked to my new employer's office for his friend's laser tag birthday party.

most of the parents dropped their kids off, but i'd walked so i hung around for the almost three hours chatting with mr smear's friend's parents (good talks) and at one point putting in a few minutes of productive work on my side project. i didn't actually go into my office, though, because i felt very uncomfortable figuring out the alarm system over a weekend when i had no real justification for using the office :P

it was a long walk there, and a long walk back, but those were two long walks with good father-son talks, and we both had an enjoyable day overall. also, it helped that it didn't rain on us.

we got home pretty late, which meant that after all the shower/toenail stuff mr smear got to bed very late, and i'm already feeling like i'm going to crash soon even though i know i've got tons of stuff to do and i haven't been doing any of it...

...

"the revolution is being streamed, not televised" - tousi tv, "pahlavi announces plan to return to iran - declares final battle"

firstly, "media" outlets like the BBC are exposing themselves clearer than ever as nothing more than propaganda shills for oppressive, tyrannical, anti-west* regimes like iran, qatar, russia, and china.

(also anti-semitic)

secondly, anyone notice how the iranian people, resisting after fifty years of REAL occupation and REAL oppression, aren't raping women or murdering children?

dump

 the comic recommendation session was fun! and i learned a whole bunch of cool things. also, i encountered an art teacher from mr smear's previous school who was amused to put together two and two and get four regarding mr smear's artistic influences :)

i was up late playing around with kubernetes tooling, and watching news on iran, and just before bed my heart sank as i came across a photo of my old team dressed-to-impress and opening the TASE.

i should have been there, ringing the bell, and i should have been able to start looking to buy a home. instead, i'm anxiously avoiding getting started on looking for our next rental, and being confused about the pittance of unemployment that social security is sending me.

[and then, today when i pulled off my previous employer's sticker from the back of my phone, the entire back of the phone separated from the rest of the frame]

...

today started off alright, after mr smear left for school i dived in to my kubernetes tooling experiment and ending up publishing an article just before leaving to do some errands. we stopped by the baker to get feedback on the challah-peño - he liked the concept but wasn't happy with our execution of the actual challah - and he gave us some really constructive feedback which we're going to try to implement today.

the supermarket refused to accept a return that their customer support had told us they'd take, and now their customer support is assuring me that they're in the wrong and that we should be able to try again. then gd and i found a quiet corner to consult with our paediatrician cousin about mr smear, which was fine until halfway through when an obnoxiously loud family started dragging chairs and talking loudly and playing music right next to us.

and then, while we waited for mr smear to join us after school, the skies opened.

we went around the back of the mall to rescue him and his friend, arriving just as the skies cleared. both myself and mr smear's teacher had told him to bring his history book home for a test they have next week, which he assured me he had, and we walked and sploshed back home, with me complaining that gd has misled me into wearing sneakers instead of galoshes...

we arrived home, absolutely soaked, and peeled off our wet clothing and prepared for a quiet afternoon indoors with the air-conditioning on. that was when i opened mr smear's bag to remove all the wet items inside, and discovered that he'd brought home his empty history notebook instead of the textbook.

he can't be that dumb. 🤦

i very coolly lost my shit, and we redressed in the wet clothing, and i put on my massive galoshes, and we rushed out in an attempt to get to the school before they locked the gates for the weekend. 

it was a long, wet journey by bus and light rail, and mr smear left his phone behind so i also had to pay for four extra fares, but we arrived at the school to find the gates locked.

so we turned around and headed back home. it was on the second leg of our return that it began bucketing down, with high strength winds trying to rip our umbrellas from our hands and successfully (thankfully only momentarily) turning them inside out. we were thoroughly soaked by the time we got back home.

...

have i mentioned that i'm tired? i'm fucking tired.

ginger rum

 i didn't get any real work done last night. i did manage to get a lot of busywork done, upgrading my macbook and installing and configuring useful apps, and the macos upgrade was a great opportunity for me to lie down and catch forty winks.

and then i completed the installation and went to bed. i mostly slept through the night.

...

right until around 4am, when i woke up from an odd dream about having to have mr smear's bar mitzvah in a mosque, and then leaving over a large boulder next to a platform with a gap between them; i woke up in the act of trying to catch him just as he stepped off into the abyss while i was telling him that he needs to be conscious in his life.

...

at least the video for our kibbutz cousin's 70th birthday came out well. in general the morning went alright, i got some more onboarding work done before leaving for the office.

i was decidedly anxious going to work, feeling overwhelmed. i started my morning warming up in the sun on the balcony again; by the time i came inside i was overheating - as was my equipment - because it was a much hotter morning than we've had for a while. i had a few meetings, which went alright, and then i put together an update to my new boss/client informing him of my progress and of the issues i've encountered. i was a bit anxious about pulling the trigger, but i knew it was the right thing to do and hoped that it wouldn't be unwelcome.

the rest of the morning was studying / reviewing documents, and then i had an unpleasant experience with granola (i thought it was just granola, but then i had a couple of bites and realized it had dairy chocolate chips in it, and then i had the taste in my mouth while getting rid of the stuff without making a mess), and then i came home for lunch.

gd and mr smear were busy cleaning the apartment (we've realized we need him to be good at cleaning because that might be the best he can hope for, career-wise), so i ate quickly and scrambled back to the office, barely making my second meeting with one of my bulgarian teammates.

TWO... HOURS... LATER...

that was a hardcore intro to getting our environments set up and working with a whole suite of new tooling, and by the time we were done i felt much less stress overall, but also i felt like my brains were bleeding out my ears.

fortunately, i managed to write all the good stuff down.

i took a tea break on one of the balconies with an amazing view of the rush hour traffic, called gd to show her, and the two of us decided it would be hilarious to send my terrified-of-heights brother a video.

i hope he took the video in good humor 😈

i spent the next hour tidying up my notes, practicing what i'd learned and bringing some of it into team-friendlier tools, and then joined everyone upstairs for happy hour. happy hour was pleasant, nice people and good chit-chat, and i had a very nice rum and ginger beer that had more of an effect on me than i'd anticipated.

 interrupted my new boss/client and one of my teammates to say goodbye, and i got a really good vibe from them both :)

now that i've come home, unloaded the day's stories on my wife, heard some good news about a cousin who might be able to help us with mr smear, and seen my son's lego helicopter that he built without instructions, and unloaded the day's stories here, i'm about to sit down for dinner, and then go to the monthly comic-book meetup to recommend the complete ballad of halo jones.

snapping

 i didn't sleep much last night, i was super uncomfortable. then i got up, did dishes, had coffee while updating my linkedin profile and email signature for my new employer - which turned out to be considerably more complicated than i expected - and then we did grocery shopping and then i left for work.

i was cold when i left the apartment, i was very cold by the time i arrived at the office. i found myself a gorgeous spot in the sun with a cup of vanilla coffee and a beautiful view over the city, and did some more onboarding (i counted, there're four different onboarding processes and a lot of the material is outdated or irrelevant, especially for a contractor), and then there was a presentation about a new AI integration, during which i struggled to keep my eyes open, and then it was noon and i was tired, and decided to go home for lunch.

...

i was waiting for the elevator when my phone rang. it was mr smear's teacher. he was okay, she said, but... they'd put him in this "social group" - a privilege and an attempt to help him acclimate - but he was so disruptive and disrespectful that they threw him out of it. but that wasn't enough, oh no... one of the girls brought a beautiful cloth banner for the class that said

"HOUSE RULES: 1. BE KIND 2. MAKE ART 3.  LAUGH HARD 4. DANCE 5. BE YOU"

and mr smear decided that it needed a finishing touch with his marker so that 2. became NAKED ART.

i'm so fucking ashamed.

and it's not the first time he's damaged someone else's art.

i contacted the girl's father and offered to try and fix it, he was very gentle in his response but hasn't responded to my insistence to try and make things right (and to get mr smear to make things right).

regardless, mr smear has been suspended from school - tomorrow - and he's going to be responsible for catching up any work he misses... which means we are going to be responsible. 

...

the rest of the afternoon was a mess. partially because i'm obviously distracted, but also because it's now day three and i'm on the back foot with my new job. i feel like i'm drowning, and it feels pretty clear that a) most of my first three days have been a waste of time and b) that their onboarding is a hot mess.

so now i'm entering desperation mode, which means i need to make some progress tonight.

and then i came home to have a "talk", or "family meeting", or whatever-the-fuck, and then help him with homework and get through the dinner and bedtime routine without strangling him.

...

i'm fucking tired, and fucking furiously disappointed in my child, and i've got to come up with a blessing for my kibbutz cousin's 70th birthday by tomorrow morning and we've got to start apartment hunting, and i guess i just wanna curl up and cry but i can't.

being an adult is basically just saying "i''ll get to it in a week or two when things calm down" until you die.

stretched

 i'm pretty tired. it was a good day, but very long.

after mr smear left for school, i made this (gd won't let me post it, i think she's being paranoid):

which reminds me that i thought of another one in the middle of the night, but didn't write it down and forgot it :(

first thing on arriving in the office, i apologized to our client on behalf of "my team" for making him wait for me yesterday.

a lot of learning stuff, still more onboarding (finally got the big stuff done with some help from IT).

it was nice to be able to pop back home for leftover lunch.

a few conversations getting to know people, a few very awkward moments (that i made awkward).

i came to find my son's hair cut (gd did it this afternoon), and his homework done, and then i shaved and showered and we watched some more a-team over dinner and i got a bit carried away with dessert (the jalapeño pretzels and dried mango), and i've got stuff to do and i'm too tired.

good night.

double onboarding

 i'm exhausted, psychologically as much as physically, but i have to get this out before i head to bed.

yesterday:

the mold treatment needed was much bigger than anticipated, the bloom was unexpectedly large.

i left for the session later than intended, arrived later than i should have, and struggled throughout because i kept distracting myself with my side project. the guy i'd partnered with the previous week told the boss he didn't want to work in pairs, and later the boss caught me out with a question while i was typing furiously at an AI agent...

we ended earlier than planned, and i came home in time to deliver the lovely flowers my new employer had sent me to our very sweet elderly neighbor, and discuss mr smear's new school with a single parent whose kid's apparently in a worse school than mr smear's old one.

mr smear had reading homework, it was really hard but i worked through it with him. i've only now discovered that the reading was only part of it :(

dinner was delicious, it was late but mr smear had helped prepare it. my shower was almost cold, because gd had turned off the boiler at the mains instead of putting it on the timer :/

i went to bed early last night in anticipation of the big day today.

today:

i got up alright, finished the epilogue of the ocean at the end of the lane with mr smear, and after seeing him off spent the rest of the early morning keeping an eye on the news and taking care of the dishes.

i arrived on time to my new office for a few hours of onboarding, very positive. then i raced home, dropped off my swag bag (and second-hand computer that apple won't let me use without a fight), pick up a sandwich (gd won the day with her black-salt avocado toast) and walk across the bridge to the new office.

where i found my new boss waiting for me, having waited more than an hour for me because (i discovered this evening) our sales guy had forgotten to tell him i'd be in later than originally agreed 🤦

so not the greatest first impression, but the rest of the afternoon was pleasantly smooth. it's a massive corporate, though, so there's looooooooots of onboarding bullshit to wade through and i'm somehow expected to already be contributing on my first day 😩

i got home just in time to set mr smear up with his math (revision) homework while i jumped in the (hot) shower, then get through hebrew harry potter reading, eat dinner starting the third episode of the a-team (what happened to the second?!), a whole ordeal getting mr smear ready for bed and into bed, then (after some procrastination) dabbling in a bit more onboarding, and now drinking a final cup of tea before crashing and praying for a simpler tomorrow.

sleeping beauty and the last of the workday naps

i didn't sleep much on friday night, but i got up earlier than everyone and got to enjoy some "me time" catching up on newsy youtube videos over my first coffee. between the news coming out of iran and venezuela, these are insane, but insanely-exciting, times!

mr smear waking up, getting dressed, making his bed and brushing his teeth on a saturday morning because he wanted to go to the comics library

...

heading out to the library with him, giving me some focus time on my side project. oddly, the comics library was open but nobody was there, so mr smear initially sat down on a comfortable couch outside to wait for them to return. a bit later i checked on him and saw that he'd been using his phone, so i disabled his phone expecting him to come find me... i had been in the middle of updating something on my phone control solution, so i used a phone call to him to test that it was working. 

he initially told me that he was just sitting on the couch, then admitted that that was a lie and that he was in the unmanned library reading comics. i told him to at least turn the lights on :P

a little later, i dragged him out of there to go find lunch. he really didn't want to - he wasn't hungry, apparently - but it was a beautiful day. we walked to a couple of places, ending up at miznon. he still didn't want anything, so i thought i'd get myself something and let him try it.

i tasted their lavan. he tasted their lavan. he decided that he was hungry, after all. i let him have it and ordered myself another, and then spent the next far-too-long stalking up and down desperately waiting for it with its taste still on my lips.

omg it was delicious.

we returned to the library for another reading/focus session, eventually going home when they started closing down for the day.

we were almost home when mr smear thanked me for the awesome day, and told me he wanted to get me back - i didn't know what he meant at first, but then found myself explaining that he didn't owe me anything, because i'd really enjoyed my day with him too ^_^

...

finishing the first a-team episode over dinner, finishing the main story of the ocean at the end of the lane at bedtime, revisiting con man with gd and getting through six (very short) episodes before passing out.

a long night's sleep, though not a good one

starting the ocean at the end of the lane epilogue over breakfast.

discovering mold blooms (we've had a lot of rain the past week or two)

between taking care of a bunch of admin stuff, developing AI agent fatigue from my side project. it's discouraging. i was hoping to be ready to roll by tomorrow, but i'm not so confident any more...

general sleepiness and taking what might be my last workday nap for a while on the couch.

now i'm finishing my (only) second coffee, and then gd and i are going to do a mold treatment, and then i'm going to be off to our offices soon for the second session of our agentic course.

jalapeño-powered

 my knees are threatening every time i get up, and my lower back's sore, and my neck's been giving me trouble on and off today. hello, mid-forties.

...

i'm very excited to report that before leaving the apartment this morning, i was able to complete the work on my side project's auth flows, and i'm hoping to have the whole thing essentially ready to roll out before i begin my new job on monday!

our first stop was dropping off the first challah-peño at the bakery. we're looking forward to hearing their review, it seemed like the wife thought it was good :)

gd and i walked to the light rail and made our way to the school, where mr smear was waiting, alone, playing with one of the school cats.

i thought he was allergic to cats? i don't know anymore.

we walked to our cousins, with gd stopping by the pharmacy on the way and mr smear and i sitting down at a coffee shop so that i could have a coffee and he could eat his lunch, then show me some really funny drawings he's been working on.

lunch was long, and mostly really nice. our cousin appeared to be more restrained that usual regarding overriding our parenting, and i think a lot of what we said and did really pressed her buttons... but all-in-all it was a pleasant afternoon.

unfortunately, gd had been getting more and more uncomfortable because of the cold, so the beginning of our walk home (we couldn't catch a cab) was a bit rough until she warmed up a bit. mr smear and i discovered jalapeño pretzels on the way home, which are really good.

after we got home, it was time to bake another challah-peño for ourselves (that's a lot of carbs for one day), and while we waited for them i caught up with the class whatsapp group which had gone a bit off the rails over the course of the day, which led to some important-yet-fun family conversations.

over dinner and after, we watched most of the first episode of the a-team, which we apparently tried to watch with mr smear before (but i can't look up "a-team" on my blog) - mr smear was skeptical at first, but once it got going he was all in :)

after everyone else went to bed (around 11pm), i completed my (relative) speed run through botopia, and now i'm sitting with my chamomile getting ready for bed.

ebbs and flows

yesterday morning: another good morning for mr smear.  please god this is becoming a thing 🤞

i've been reading more of hakim's odyssey, which is interesting timing considering what's going on in iran. it's been five days of uprising, and i can't help but hold my breath and pray that this is it.

the first big thing i took care of yesterday was applying for unemployment benefits. the overall experience was relatively pleasant, but no matter how good their site's UX may be in general, it's always difficult to understand exactly what they want when it comes to forms.

then i spent a little while upgrading the security of my personal AWS account, before diving in to completing the auth flows for my side project, which i'm excited to report was completed by the end of the day.

this was interrupted by the second big thing of the day: we received a message from mr smear's teacher at noon, informing us that mr smear had skipped another sculpture class. then another update later that he hadn't cooperated in bible class.

jesus, fuck.

gd and i had a pretty big fight over how we were going to handle it, although most of that was less about the topic at hand and more about how we fight when we do :/

we ended up with a strategy that seemed to make sense, and an agreement about the use of force (avoiding it, but not taking it off the table), and when mr smear's school ended i called him and told him to make his way home directly.

(poor kid, it was bucketing down)

after he came home and showered, we sat down for a family meeting. gd (for the most part) let me handle it, and after questioning him about the events of the day i asked him for solutions, and he came up with a contract, which he duly dated and signed, with a long list of things he needs to do. and then he and gd stuck that onto the front cover of his sketchbook (also his suggestion). then i explained to him the new reward/punishment system - both how bad things can go for him if he messes up, and how screen time will be allowed based on consistent / continuous good performance.

the rest of the afternoon/evening was smooth. dinner was great. and then, after reading another chapter of the ocean at the end of the lane to him at bedtime, i passed out on the couch. i struggled to get up and go to bed for the next four or five hours, then finally got some sleep (and disturbing dreams), and then woke up this morning feeling just as tired as when i'd passed out in the first place.

also, with a sensitive / threatening neck situation.

mr smear had a relatively good morning this morning, and i'm about to start getting things done.

[stops to help gd with kneading two challah-peños before posting]