good thing i'm dating my notes

tuesday 13th:

beginning a discussion between israelis of distinctly differing views and a palestinian i studied with and being pleased with the (mostly) good behaviour and dialogue

a rushed day with partial success, too many meetings, zombie fluxx and an intro to the totally intense zombie counterstrike mmo, learning that hac's new employer just went under only a couple of months after he joined

visiting the doctor for gd's foot, making an appointment in spite of their phone-only policy, shopping, the awesome power of hot peppers in my salad, the flash and going to sleep slightly past bedtime

wednesday 14th:

2am feeding, still up debating at 3am, cookies and vanilla chai followed by sleepless indigestion resulting in a 6am throw up; the rest of the day with a sore throat

the final touch to the big, contentious project before sending it off into oblivion, getting the hang of counterstrike: global offensive and really enjoying the lunch break, long meetings, weird meetings, and turning a vagrant failure into an opportunity to play with something i've been wanting to fix for a while

home, rushed to get to the hospital for gd's MRI after she's waited so long only to discover that MRIs and breastfeeding don't mix

a tight squeeze car seat to a tight squeezed heart

thursday 15th:

5am wet-wipeout and cookies

mr smear's excellent behaviour while gd was away, calling in sick

a pharmacy run, some self-discovery, some rest thanks to the babysitter

possibly too much evil apples

an unexpected visitor when expecting horseman

suddenly feeling sick, and the ugly throat sensation diagnosing it as sinusitis

bottle-feeding difficulty

friday 16th:

easy feed, easy change, impossible burp

moving to a desk with a view, a day full of gremlin warfare and an excellent lunchtime cs:go session

the last hour spent giving guidance to the lead who's just replaced me; we're definitely on the same page, so that's quite a relief

mr smear couldn't be put down, dealing with "that's not all he smeared" alone, worst cooks in america inspiring a shameful veggie-burger

saturday 17th:

a good chunk of sleep for mr smear and gd, rls and general restlessness for me, better sleep after the (late) midnight feed and change

a morning of alter bridge, hunter x hunter, nerve pinching and having to hold a noticeably heavier mr smear for most of it

the rest of the day disappearing in the blink of a tired eye, the worst time to go shopping, no energy for dinner and a restless bedtime for a child who only wanted his mother

sunday 18th:

a happy shitstorm wakeup

trying to get some interview prep done but mostly just keeping mr smear calm; it's really hard to solve problems with an irritable baby on your shoulder.

night screaming

monday 19th:

screaming during changing and a lesson about "not a morning person" and my lack of finesse in grooming my nails (and my fear of nail files); mr smear's first subzero experience and a double doctor's visit

not a bad day, followed by a bad non-voting experience (at least harper's been ousted!), followed by exhaustion

tuesday 20th:

a depressing morning followed by a distracted day (minus anger over gross negligence and satisfying cs:go), wasted work hours feeling sickly slow, coming home to some warmth and respite (even if beck's non-alcoholic is crap), mr smear deliberately grabbing my nipple ring, a great 90's alternative singing session with him, solving a problem with mr smear in my arms, feeling a bit super-dad considering my exhaustion

wednesday 21st:

hoverboards? self-lacing boots? flying cars? weirdly anachronistic fax machines?

waking up to a choking child, a cancelled cut allowing us time to fold laundry, problem solve and make some calls

struggling with symfony and project direction, finding a decent solution, an interesting introduction to our new lead, rushing home to accompany gd to the doctor, ordering too much (or not) pizza, post-bathing shit-swimming and mr smear managing to pee all over me after i cleaned him up

a long garbage day procedure, a hangry, hangry mr smear followed by the blissful peace of being able to do chores after he passed out on 10ml of formula (i don't get it, but okay)

thursday 22nd:

almost five hours of sleep, but his post-feed hyper-alertness turned into a flood of pee while changing him and we had to bathe him with soap and water after his self-administered urine bath. thanks, 5-6.30am, we love you, too.

there's nothing like oversleeping (!!!) and waking up five minutes before you're supposed to arrive at the clinic for blood tests...

... it's weird to be sitting between people fighting in the waiting room and not being able to figure out what it's about...

... easy tests, rushing home to slurp down a practically unpalatable shake (our ninja keeps breaking down), scarf a cold slice of pizza and rush out late forgetting my security card...

... more struggles with symfony but getting things to work anyway (it's really more hindrance than help), awkward cs:go due to the pushap exodus, leaving with a headache, rushed leftovers, getting ready for a pharmacy run when *WARNING: UNPLEASANT IMAGERY AHEAD* mr smear started choking on his saliva, then i started choking on a sliver of apple after extricating him from nanny carseat in a panic, which got serious enough to see me regurgitating the entire apple almost in its original form and scoring splash-back to the face to boot

yesterday:

dream: *WARNING: DEEPLY DISTURBING IMAGERY AHEAD* after an epic battle, we follow an alien porn crew that's been scavenging bodies. a big, tough humanoid gets himself ready for a scene, puts on a condom and sharply responds to an offer for help with "this isn't my first rodeo".

he walks into a small spaceship's cockpit where a giant grey-green corpse has been stretched over the chair and some equipment with its large mouth or wound visible. as soon as the film starts rolling he gets the bottom half of his body into the corpse, finds whatever he's looking for and begins to thrust; seconds later, looking stricken, he rushes out warning the director not to waste the shot to ejaculate a bucketful of sperm in a smooth arc into another wound on the other side of the body. when he's told to get ready to go again he curses, explaining that he's empty without more of whatever he's been taking to generate that much sperm, at which point one of the crew yells "you're dirty".

in a later flashback to the dream (after waking and dreaming other things), i realized that however i'd gotten myself into that situation there would be no hope for escape - for these types, filming a crew member being raped into a death machine would be all in a day's work.

...

rewarding myself with a cookie at 3am in lieu of mr smear because he was a relative pleasure to change

leaving almost as early as i needed to because of another of gd's clients being interesting to talk to, a long and mostly productive day of work, the weird "omg I just lost a piece of my foot" message in the middle of the day, excellent cs:go that was so much fun that i only realized that i'd forgotten to eat my lunch when i found myself really hungry just before 7pm (a good time for a snack break), leaving at a reasonable time only about forty minutes short of my hours; the excitement of the workday was in convincing my manager, my lead, and hac's replacement that the way forward includes a framework-independent library containing the database abstraction layer i implemented for last quarter's tragic failure of a project.

home to relieve gd, a few hours with my boy and a lot of chatter

today:

most of a night's sleep, the joy of a large, well-timed poop (i had just decided not to change him and lifted him off the changing table), feeling good going back to bed but then waking up to mr smear's post-formula discomfort and rls. now to begin the weekend with foo fighters and evil apples.

the day off

yesterday began with me not only being unfriended on facebook for saying that not voting was effectively voting conservative, but being being called a "fucking mayo" to boot by a poet i met at the cfsw who has become progressively more extreme in his jihadist ideology over the past year or two. that prompted me to complete writing a piece on privilegism that's been in the wings for a while...

the day, with its gorgeous weather, was spent iin front of the telly (sometimes music, sometimes netflix) with mr smear, playing evil apples or just resting.

i saw yesterday that fcmg is looking for work, and it sounds like she's interested in getting back on my comics project! here's hoping this time is more productive.

yesterday was a good day. the evening and midnight were rough as we have an inexplicably unhappy son (although we suspect he's reacting worse to the formula now that he's almost off it), and this morning's been a mixed bag.

oh, israel

the palestinian authorities have given up on any possibilities for peace and as a result the last week has seen a frightening number of attacks on the israeli civilian population. none of this has been reported in the media, because racism, so to all of you who haven't heard what's going on: you don't know what you don't know, and when you do find out it will be through an outrageously biased filter.

it's sad for me that this needs to be said so often: what's going on over there is far more complex than the oversimplified bullshit that's reported by your trusted news sources. if you consider yourself at all humanitarian, if you value human rights and dignity and freedom, you're not going to hear the whole truth from either side but you're certainly not going to hear it by only listening to one of them.

giving thanks

this canadian thanksgiving i'm grateful for a number of things: my family, my friends, having the day off, and not being in israel for yet another wave of violence.

maybe one day all the leaders in the region will grow up and get on with fixing what's broken. or maybe expecting maturity and responsibility and vision from the kind of people who seek that sort of authority is a lost cause.

to all my friends and family in israel, my thoughts are with you, be safe!

smiling on sleep deprivation

friday 25th:

post-venting daddy daycaring, gd returning early from a non-appointment and enjoying a relaxing afternoon together

shabbat improv and a delicious dinner with horseman, talking parent-late into the night (10.30!), putting the wife and child to bed and feeling superdad-ey for sorting out the kitchen and laundry

saturday 26th:

an early start to hours of taking care of mr smear and binge-watching the rest of the first season of hunter x hunter. what a payoff! and the second season's beginning is just as exciting as the original manga.

mom sync and a mission to sort out the laser treatment with all the joy sucked out of it, extending into an agitated walk, some housecleaning, shopping and...

... watching cowspiracy. if there was only one movie that i could get people to see, *that* would be the one. there is so much in there, a large amount of it so very different from what i was expecting, it's overwhelming for me even though i don't consume animal products. it helps that i've recently seen hot coffee and ethos, because if i'm honest with myself i wouldn't have been able to accept some of the scary stuff without an understanding of how much power the agricultural industry wields (internationally? it's not just the US?); having seen industry documents made available through the freedom of information act with my own eyes helped too.

it's weird to think that people like me could be on the FBI's terrorist watchlist for caring about the future of humanity and our home.

sunday 27th:

a very long night, a better morning. slowly getting into gear for my haircut, then missioning to provigo to pick up microwave veggies in an effort to get back on track with my diet

that magical moment of making my simple, delicious, complete-healthy-meal salad for the first time since my old provigo closed down; a bit of angel-a and total exhaustion

monday 28th:

seriously weird dreams turning into mr smear's cries.

polite folk talk about "burping" their babies, but in reality they need to be burped and farted. good baby belly massagers, like gd, deserve the title of "fartist".

leaving a little earlier than usual, just in time to learn that the HR guy who didn't get back to me lives literally across the street from us so the walk to the metro wasn't awkward at all

completing my last major task but taking a late lunch to do so and then having that cut short by half an hour to deal with integration issues that ran deep; the interesting thing being that my manager and i sat together struggling to convert doctrine bindings to mysqli bindings - we completed the job elegantly before he informed me that the team's "star" has been trying to do that for ages and just today gave up on his project.

...

but it's okay, they're going to let him and nem pick the framework for the next iteration of our systems. #sonotgivinganymorefucks

a long time preparing food, a hard time eating it and the mysterious incident of the hair in the apartment

tuesday 29th:

i don't know how to burp mr smear when he violently bashes his head against me

...

moving furniture

...

a solid day of work sandwiching a very serious shopping expedition, the project finally looking good. the q4 presentation during which nifty explained that we're not looking for any more backend developers because our team's competent: i'm not certain that word means what he thinks it means.

wednesday 30th:

seeing the recruiter's message over a day late, the salads doing their thing, skunk anansie and the gassy baby, the realization that sunday is a slam day and my new pieces are all half-written

working hard and being forced to rewrite code i'd been assured was working... zombie fluxx is excellent... leaving the office in the midst of a production catastrophe to take care of my family

heavy shopping and a numb finger, making dinner while gd slept (thanks, nanny carseat!) and garbage day and cheap cookies

thursday 1st:

sleeping in to sound awake on the phone and then being awkward anyway

the new cleaning lady arriving just early enough to complicate the ritual morning rush

a long, long day broken for an excellent pushap lunch; making progress but for every step i took forward our junior teammate would take one back. the other day i mentioned something about him and gd said it's likely that he's a stoner - the more i think about it the more sense it makes.

deep exhaustion and being useless until

friday 2nd:

waking feeling like crap and realizing that i had a cold, a long morning but with very positive results

rushing home on a slowed down metro to take mr smear to see the doctor - we need to practice with his winter gear

getting back to the office for some quiet quality time, having an important chat with nifty

the excitement of managing my boy and dinner while gd slept

dear mom: gifts of venco drop are very much appreciated; having said that, they make it difficult to get to sleep when there's "just one more" to be had and i really have to learn not to touch their crinkly packets anywhere near mr smear while he's sleeping

saturday 3rd:

the 4am feed and nüüd covering

an early morning, remembering the male pregnancy hormones, babysitter training, vfmp's visit and strolling to cafe rose-de-lima for a good lunch*; exhaustion striking about halfway through, returning for a tough late afternoon, a good chunk of mad max: fury road and crashing as soon as able.

* they really shouldn't have added mashed potatoes to their "herbivore" without indicating that it had butter in it :/

sunday 4th:

waking up around 3am, a bleeding gum and a lesson about brushing teeth and waking the baby

almost no sleep and waking up to gd's foot injury anguish, making the world a better place one person at a time, slow prep for a big excursion to buy autumn-wear, a trek for formula, not resting, seriously heavy shopping, a bit more mad max and the tragedy of waking mr smear because his diaper was full

monday 5th:

early difficulty, but otherwise a good start to the day: utter adorableness from mr smear and beautiful weather and gd's client being interesting

a long day of optimizations; getting the job done late in the evening but not late... rushed dinner and not re-renting mad max (really? only 48 hours, apple?)

tuesday 6th:

feeling ill, gd giving me a full night's rest, the agony of leaving for work when mr smear and i were both so comfortable

a horrible day, feeling picked on by my manager and abysmally failing to rein in my bitterness; i responded like a petulant child, couldn't find my own off button and ended up feeling really stupid

the first round of vaccinations: thank you, anti-vaxxers, for scaring mothers everywhere! it's difficult enough to make rational decisions as a new parent without nagging doubts generated by wilful ignorance.

shopping, dinner and the rest of mad max: fury road. verdict: as magnificent as everyone made out.

wednesday 7th:

a really, really long night dealing with mr smear's discomfort and slight fever, starting the day with a sadly-needed pep talk from gd.

walking out to find gd's tax refund in the mail - it appears that filing four years late significantly reduces the amount. who knew?

my manager accepting my apology and being warm in return, a long and challenging day that ended with a reward in the form of nifty's elation when seeing everything we've been working towards come together coherently (my own elation following suit).

supermarket 1, supermarket 2, feeding, chilling, changing, kitchen duties, garbage day duties, eating leftovers, showering, making dinner for gd, climbing into bed just before midnight and feeling like superdad again

thursday 8th:

exhausted and restless is not a good combination

a really tough day with lots of things going wrong, a good lunch at pushap

passing out after eating fries for dinner

friday 9th:

waking up at 3am feeling like i'd slept some, watching the flash pilot and then getting some of the greatest sleep i've had in a very, very long time with a minor interruption to change a diaper and mr smear letting us sleep in until after 9!

the first ski jacket weather of the season

a long half day spent grinding away at phpredis after learning that a) their pipelining implementation is broken and b) i don't know the right way to handle keeping open connections**

mr smear bobblehead letting me get as far as my name and address

early night

yesterday:

a long midnight, very weird and disturbing dreams, waking up with a headache, beginning season 3 of  hunter x hunter, figuring out the cryptic clue that i left on my digital signature a year and a half ago, mom chat and baby squats and bathing and laser prep; my nerve pinching badly after days of relief

wrong technician awkwardness but the strategy seeming sound, a forgotten intensity on my jawline

copper branch "i'm allergic to gluten-free" turning into a coaching session, delicious takeaway, a relaxed afternoon ending in an early bedtime with no dinner

today:

1am up to prepare formula, then realizing that mr smear wasn't awake; his 3.30am smiles; gd's 4.15am discovery that the laser technician had fucked up *again*

a lazy day taking care of ourselves, lunch at cafe rose-de-lima with an old friend of gd's, mr smear's first sit-ups and some disturbingly inexplicable crying balanced by our discovery that a particular set of mouth movements that he's been making is his idea of kissing us

** solving the mystifying phpredis puzzle in the shower