the road to hades

 i picked up mr smear; we'd planned on heading south on the light rail, but for some reason he changed his mind at the last minute and we just came home instead. we picked up some urgent groceries at the local, and spent the rest of the day indoors.

i rested a bit, and spent a large chunk of the day doing what's making me feel more and more uncomfortable: youtube and social media. i know it's not good for my brain, and i'm not getting anything productive done.

aside from that, though, i helped mr smear through his math homework and it was a pretty positive experience overall.

gd's been having a really, really hard time with nerve pain, on top of being sick.

after dinner and getting mr smear into bed, i spent a little time playing slay the spire while waiting for hades to download. let's see how that goes.

quieter

in retrospect, it was obvious that not finishing the cards at night was a mistake. fortunately, we managed to get to the school with five minutes to hunt down the class post box (an impressively detailed hot hair balloon with all the kids' names in a word search on the basket).

then i bussed back north to the post office to send a package, then back again to the office.

my vacation day on sunday has been cancelled due to some urgent (relatively) manual labor. my british coworker and i communicated everything we needed to to our boss regarding the two incoming guys, who're putting pressure on us without understanding nor appearing to be too concerned by how our devs operate.

happy hour was nice, we went to a pub close by. i made an effort not to eat too much, but i'd already eaten a much larger-than-necessary sandwich for lunch on top of a lot of fruit and veggies in the morning. this morning i also ate more than i should have - muesli followed by roasted veggies - and gd's laughing at me for sabotaging my own diet :(

...

today's been relaxed so far. i booked myself and mr smear for the class camping trip next month, upgraded my work macos, and took a trip to the mall only to hesitate once i arrived... i don't think i'm ready to pull the trigger on purchasing a new computer yet.

i walked to mr smear's school to pick him up, and have been writing this from a very nice urban park.

back to the office

 back to the office, still messy but i tested myself to make sure i was clear. busy workdays, not too much stress though - i'm being cautious not to let anything drag me back to pre-illness stress levels, that was definitely burnout.

i've at least been sleeping alright, but i'm still feeling tired.

on tuesday i left work, spent two hours hanging around the train station platform because fires interrupted the schedules, and then nystire picked me up and we took a friend out for burgers in a really classy* nes tziona pub. i ate too much.

* </sarcasm>

we're currently finishing up mr smear's new year's cards for his class (i'm still riding high on the success of finding envelopes that can handle A5) and then heading out.

WFH

 it wasn't an easy day, but it was alright. there was some more drama between our incoming manager and the already-established (british) devops guy. i eventually managed to make my code do all the things, but put it through "unfinished" because the rabbithole it demanded is 100% covered by the other incoming devops guy, and he's just about done.

so hopefully tomorrow will see a success merging of the two.

our very sweet elderly neighbor knocked on our door today, and surprised us by delivering a nice, large bowl of roasted veggies because we'd told her we were down with the flu when we bumped into her yesterday morning at the clinic!

mr smear seems to have had a good day, and had a relatively calm, cooperative evening. i finally got in touch with the conversatory, we're trying to get him registered and it looks like an amazing program.

i ate too much at dinner, and my stomache's feeling bloated.

gd's neck and back are on/off these past few days, and we're both coughing a lot and gross.

[grabs reolin]

reset

 these are big, hairy days and i'm having trouble keeping track.

i felt much better for the entire length of saturday, but saturday night was once again plagued by night sweats and hallucinations. last night i still had a couple of night sweats, but i don't think i had any hallucinations. i was able to work yesterday - a particularly long, nasty workday working around a bunch of shit, broken tools - and i'm going to work today, though from home because i'm still gross.

yesterday morning started with taking mr smear to school*, and then spending a couple of hours supporting gd with a doctor's appointment and a pharmacy visit. at least she has the meds she needs.

* he looked miserable on his way into the school, and i asked him what was going on. apparently, he's really scared he's getting fat. we've since had a family discussion about that, and i guess we'll see how that goes.

mr smear came home by himself yesterday, but was literally coming up the stairs when my alert went off for his therapist appointment and it was the default **** ten minute alert. that's what happens when i'm not the one to add things to our shared calendar 😡

so mr smear and i - with me in the middle of a work struggle - rushed out to grab a bus, get stuck in traffic, and arrive there with only fifteen or twenty minutes of his appointment remaining.

...

last night, mr smear was supposed to be doing his homework while i was trying to work, and after a week of him giving us shit about it i had zero patience, and i got violently angry. a bit later, i sat across from him and explained that over the past year or two it's become normalized that we only get positive results from him after intimidation, threats, or things getting physical, and i don't want that. even if it's largely performative, i'm embarrassed by it, grossed out by it, and i don't want to do that any more.

so last night i reestablished some ground rules. if he wants to FA, he can FO. i'll do what i can to help him and guide him, but i'm not going to fight with him to try and stop him from doing things that hurt him or take him down a dark path. he's going to do the things that need to get done, or face the music. if he needs to learn his lessons in the hardest ways imaginable, then so be it.

the first result of him not completing his homework is that the homework piles up, and there's no screentime until it's all done. but last night he had to copy his hebrew homework into his workbook, and it took him a long time to realize that i was serious about him not going to bed until it was done. he tried to run out the clock by doodling, at which point i informed him that if he continues doodling in his workbook (as opposed to in his sketchbook) i'm going to make him take a fresh workbook and copy everything across into the new one.

eventually, around 10pm, he finally went to bed. around 10.30, i finally was able to report a success of the work i've been struggling with since before the previous weekend.

...

this morning's wake-up wasn't pleasant. accompanying mr smear to school was fine. gd's coughing and hacking in the background, while i cough and hack in the foreground. it's past 9am and i'm tired.

flu A

it would have been my second mum's 98th birthday today.

...

 this week did not go as planned. monday morning started with a cough, and a warning to my co-workers that i'd be working from home in order to keep it away from them.

just in case.

by the time the school called to tell me mr smear wasn't feeling good and that i needed to come pick him up*, i was already pretty sure that i was coming down with something real.

* they wouldn't let him go by himself unless i explicitly waived their responsibility, and after the previous day's attack in jerusalem i wasn't feeling confident.

i arrived at the school just in time to meet his teacher leaving it, and in a brief exchange she informed me that socially he's doing great (yay!) but academically he's not participating (oh, shit).

we made our way home, and aside from a masked family excursion to a pharmacy to pick up rapid antigen tests on thursday (and a rocket attack around 4am today) we haven't left the apartment since.

...

so far, this flu (A type) has been so hardcore i was confident i had covid again. gel in my sinuses and lungs. relentless fever temperature switches and ceaseless spontaneous heavy sweating (which doesn't even feel directly connected to the temperature switching), weird but consistent-over-hours hallucinations, muscle pain, fatigue and brain-fog, struggles with appetite**. it's just been horrible.

** it turns out that "feed a cold, starve a fever" is a myth and one should try to fuel one's body's fight against the invaders.

but, at the same time, we've been having parenting issues with mr smear, triggered by his academic report after he'd committed the week before to a new school with a new attitude. we've had really, really tough fights with him this week, and big, serious talks. i'm honestly not convinced that he's able to see the connection between him behaving badly, and receiving negative consequences, in general. but over the days his behavior seems to be getting better, he's much more cooperative, and yesterday we had some breakthrough moments in math and hebrew that i think he's just as proud of as we are.

...

it seems i got the worst of the symptoms, and mr smear's been feverish but apparently totally fine otherwise. but for the past two days gd's been coughing to the point of literally injuring herself***, and i think the fact that only her RATs are showing negative is a sign she's doing them incorrectly somehow.

*** she's been having nerve pain in one of her shoulders for a while, and this has exacerbated it in addition to messing with her neck and back as usual. also, her coughing fits are scary. also, why is it she always only gets sick on weekends when getting medical attention is infinitely harder?

anyhoo, this is the first time i've been able to sit down and write something since monday. every day i feel like i'm probably through the worst of it, but every night has taught me a big lesson. i do feel last night was significantly easier, though, so... maybe? 🤞

...

and then, charlie kirk was assassinated. of all people, the man who lived (and died) by the idea of debating ideas freely and speaking to people as human beings regardless of their beliefs. the speed at which half the internet justified or even celebrated his murder is terrifying. as jameela jamil puts it: social media algorithms are driving us apart. they're doing it on purpose. we are in deep trouble as a society, and the western world is literally under attack.

RIP charlie kirk, your murder is as shocking as what it says about the state of america. you knew that america and freedom are under attack and you stood up proudly against lies and evil, and the world (israel in particular) will always remember you as a courageous hero.

small iterations

 well, the sleep like a baby trick did seem to help last night. hopefully it'll work again tonight.

i dropped mr smear off at school, and for some reason decided to pick up a copy of yisrael hayom on my way to the post office (after dropping my bag off at my office). it was an interesting read, not least because it informed me about tonight's lunar eclipse.

i picked up mr smear's new shoes, walked home, then returned to the office. it was a bit of a weird day, but i did make a bit of progress on my main task (each step forcing me to wait five minutes), convinced my boss to start looking for an IT guy, and got mr smear to his therapy appointment and encouraged gd to let him make his own way home (he succeeded without any issues).

in the evening, i rushed into the kitchen to confront one of my coworkers in a way that i hope he found amusing: "hey! are you a computer? no? then why are you adding items to lists in non-alphabetic order?"

[interrupted by jackals howling]

i came home, and what followed was a mix of good and bad vibes (helping mr smear with his math homework). then we rushed dinner and went out to see the eclipse, which fortunately we had a good view of from right across the road.

i was pleased that mr smear was interested, and nervously amused by a neighbor trying and failing to get his teenager into the spirit...

the bedtime routine was mostly positive, and reading about the time loop in the neverending story was fun.

the past couple of hours have been a mix of downloading random feeds into my brain while mindlessly playing minesweeper, and getting through a few chores that have been piling up. hopefully tomorrow will see me getting through the big ones that are still outstanding.

breath pt iii

 the rest of yesterday was pretty relaxed. last night, for the first time in a while, i actually got a pretty good night's sleep.

today was pretty relaxed. the only constructive thing i did was filing documents. we watched mrs doubtfire together.

mr smear started fighting about going outside again, and we had A Talk. quite a long one, but ultimately he came out with a good vibe and we rode the the beach (for the first time he made it up the ramp at kikar atarim without stopping), enjoyed the sunset, and talked non-stop the entire way there and back.

the rest of this evening went pretty well. my back and neck are a bit sore - i've had nerve pain down my arm the past few days, but my lower back which was feeling better was jarred by a bit of a stumble on my rollerblades earlier.

i guess i'm going to try going to bed now and hope for the best. maybe this "sleep like a baby" trick will work for me? maybe the shot of vodka earlier will help?

breath pt ii

 we walked up the road to do some shopping, and mr smear decided he wanted a falafel. so we left him to it while we did our thing, which included finding panda's vegan answer to reese's pieces, and rejoined him. the store owners were in a very good shabbos mood, and i readily accepted their offer of araq with lemonade, not expecting the large cup to be three-quarters araq.

we did some snack shopping on the way home, mr smear has been quietly catching up on his homework and i have been quietly not doing anything productive (read: slay the spire).

and it feels fine.

breath

yesterday:

early up, and dropped off mr smear at school. then i made my way to the clinic to pick up some meds for gd, which resulted in an uncomfortable exchange with the pharmacists because their labelling is - and they admit it freely - extremely confusing. if i see on my prescription "take 1 tablet x 1 day x 28 days", i presume that means "one tablet daily for a month", and i expect to be given 28 tablets accordingly. but in this case, gd was given ten tablets with those instructions, and apparently the intention is "ten tablets, once per day as need for 28 days. that's just dumb.

i picked up my bag and i went to the office. i walked in to a bizarre discussion because one of my coworkers *luckily* checking on a machine just before it crashed, and so for the first time we actually have data indicating the root cause. we also learned that ubuntu AMIs don't have swap memory configured by default, which is very surprising (read: shocking) even though it does kind of make sense once we considered the different kinds of volumes that could be attached (or not).

the morning was full of meetings and distractions, and the entire afternoon was spent in an on-site company culture exercise. which has inspired me to put together a presentation for our founders on gaming and gamification.

while that was going on, mr smear's school day ended and he went with a bunch of kids in his class to the survivalist activity. that meant me repeatedly, nervously refreshing his family link location and worrying how things were going. and hour or so into the event, he sent me a flurry of messages begging me to come and pick him up.

on the one hand, he did his usual thing and shut down when he decided the activities weren't for him. also, he lowered his hat to cover his eyes and protect him from social contact and then pulled out his phone and began making animations because i forgot to lock down the flipaclip app... on the other hand, he did go in good spirits and gave it a chance, and apparently is getting on nicely with the kids from his class.

unlike our last happy hour vegan sushi experience, i watched like a hawk and the moment i saw people tucking into the vegan platters i grabbed a plate and made sure mr smear had a good selection. he enjoyed it, and so did i ^_^

(i also taught one of my new coworkers how to use chopsticks)

mr smear and i met up with gd at the school for the parent's class introduction. there was some drama - it looks like there were real issues with the previous year's teacher and the parents got him fired - but overall it feels like this is a completely different calibre of parent and so far the teacher is really solid.

mr smear had been waiting for us the whole time, and was rewarded with 1-on-1 attention with her afterwards. we clarified some things, we talked about his arts tracks (music vs film), and she informed us that he and the girl from tuesday had spoken and that mr smear had been really big about it. later on he informed us that so had she, so that's pretty amazing.

while we were talking, firefighter and his wife bumped into us, and i was startled to learn that both their daughters are in the school, one ahead of mr smear and one behind. so that's pretty cool!

we got home very late, forced mr smear to share his lunch with us (he didn't want any, but all he'd eaten since breakfast - aside from the sushi - was a large tub of allegedly-vegan gummy strips), and got him ready for and into bed.

and then we were done, too.

today so far:

i guess i slept alright? certainly an improvement. i accompanied mr smear to the school, and it was a very quiet morning. as i said goodbye and left the premises, i felt, for the first time, that this is real. it's happening. mr smear, against all odds, is officially in the school of arts and he's off to a good start. this is a moment we've barely dared to fantastize about, and here we are. after every hardship he's and we've been through.

it's kind of like those moments after gd's aliya was finally authorized, just being in tel aviv after years of fantasizing about being here and feeling safely at home.

mr smear's whole life, in a moment, just turned around on a dime, changed direction, and the universe has gifted him with a rare opportunity to be in a place that we believe is best for him and his future. and we're going to do everything in our power to support him on this journey, whatever the cost.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה' אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם,

שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה.

...

i took a slow walk (and talk, with gd and my mom) to the clinic to sort out authorization for gd's next nerve block and make an acupuncture appointment for her, then came home and got a tiny amount of work done, and then napped, and it's been a restful, peaceful morning so far. now mr smear's on his way home (i'm following on the map) and we'll go out and do some chores and then... chill? or maybe put together that presentation.