winding down or winding up?

 we've just watched the shoshani riddle, which is amazing. i know its director from our rollerblading group, and watching his journey - and his incredible discovery - was fantastic. i'm a bit sad that we only had hebrew subtitles, so we're in for a re-watch as soon as english ones are available.

...

most of today was quiet, i did a lot of resting (i have a lot of catching up to do for the three nights of sleep i missed this last week) and i read through the bulletproof coffin collected edition. what an intriguing and fun read!

...

the end of the afternoon turned sour, mr smear railing against going out (as usual, and as usual after agreeing) becoming a continuation of last week's fight with gd. it was a very frustrating experience for both of us, but i feel like we got out of it in a relatively healthy way and we both have some homework to do.

i took him out for a walk, and we had what felt like a breakthrough which was rewarded (for both of us) with ice cream. then we stumbled across a large, mounted world map in good condition, and a hebrew-english dictionary that looks a lot better than the one we have.

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i've just managed to get through a lot of the dishes, and i'm now getting ready for bed. my knee's definitely healing, but the fresh scab keeps cracking (the roastie's on the front) and i still have to sleep cautiously...

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i'm nervous about reading the news. i was also nervously deliberating about whether to purchase a contentious graphic novel about the palestinians, but i think i need to put the money down to be able to share a review from an israeli perspective (which i wasn't able to find).

endings

 thursday was a big day. after another difficult night, i dropped mr smear off at school, picked up gd and accompanied her to the clinic to get her foot checked out, then to the hospital to defer mr smear's allergy test, and then i limped on to work.

it felt like a productive work day, and i was very pleased to end the day with a satisfying PR merge. in the middle of it, gd and i had our final guidance session with mr smear's therapist, which was very positive, and we're now awaiting further instructions.

the streets around azrieli were shut down in both directions by the protestors - i still don't get whose attention they're trying to get, because there doesn't appear to be anyone on the other side to negotiate a hostage deal with - and so i limped all the way home, taking a more exploratory route.

last night was difficult again, but considerably less so.

i dropped mr smear off at school this morning, then came home to watch most of the topol's fiddler on the roof with gd. then we picked mr smear up from school - we found him sitting on a chair near the entrance on his phone :( - and walked to our favorite coffee shop for sandwiches.

gco and i have kind of reconnected again, and i think he might be connected enough to be able to give me a boost regarding my mother's aliyah and south african aliyah in general. oh! and my mother finally has an aliyah interview appointment, only four years down the line.

i ran into someone i served with at the coffee shop, and it was pleasant but awkward.

after we got home, i suffered on the couch for a while - my knee's healing, but the muscles around my hips and butt are really sore and due to the knee i can't stretch properly - then eventually hopped into a hot bath which seems to have helped a bit. the rest of the afternoon has been... whatevs.

now looking forward to a quiet weekend.

...

we've just had a conversation with mr smear about holocaust remembrance day which is coming up. what a disturbing time to be dealing with this stuff... i'm legitimately nervous about what's going to happen when the sirens sound.

borken

last night was a long night - i barely slept i was in so much pain and discomfort - and today was a long day. mr smear and i got through some of his homework, i almost got into a fight with a reckless driver on the way to dropping him off at school, i was basically functional for the first half of the day. but by the afternoon i was starting to fall apart, and i developed a headache so bad that i had to leave the office early and come home to rest.

i'm now pretty thoroughly convinced the headache was caused by my neck. it's been okay for the last couple of hours, and very soon i'm going to try to get some sleep in spite of the fact that my knee roastie is only just beginning to "gel" over. that's because gd put some gauze on it this morning, and removing the gauze removed the fresh layer of scabbing :/

the evening was - aside from the headache - mostly pleasant, although mr smear's having difficulties both academically and socially and we needed, again, to have "the conversation". it looks like we're going to be repeating "the conversation" a lot, and i'm going to be doing a lot of "practising patience"...

we just finished rewatching the end of season 3 of the boys, believing that season 4 was out. fuck.

bigger miracles

 it's the middle of the night, and i'm sitting at my computer nursing a cup of tea and a skinned and bruised knee. also a lot of emotions.

1. getting mr smear out of bed this morning was difficult. it was just as difficult to get him to sleep last night - the direct result of the mgmt - kids video - and gd and i were frustrated because we were trying to watch the boys. mistakenly thinking he was asleep, about ten minutes into an episode where (obviously) lots of extremely inappropriate things had been said / yelled, one of the characters said "fuck!" and his voice rang out "I HEARD THAT!"

*facepalm*

[stops writing to grab a piece of cake our elderly neighbor dropped off this afternoon]

anyway, at least i realized that mr smear was legitimately deeply asleep for the first twenty minutes this morning, as i didn't lose patience :P (i have a test, i move his lips and sing and he giggles the moment he actually starts waking up)

2. it was another difficult night, this time i started on the couch and moved through to the bed. i don't know what's what anymore.

[this is surprisingly good cake]

3. it was a rushed morning, but pretty good. i dropped mr smear off at school, helped gd with online groceries, and then hopped on a bus to my mom's bank. my reason for being there was a ridiculous bug that makes it impossible for their international clients to do anything, but the lady i encountered was helpful and everything was sorted out quickly.

4. work was work. some of it interesting, some of it frustrating.

5. i picked up some emergency groceries on the way home, and came back to everyone in good spirits. that lasted until we realized that mr smear hadn't done his homework, and then he refused to do his homework, and then we were doing A Thing.

5a. i'm actually feeling particularly proud of myself for how i handled The Thing. i turned his aggression on its head, which both frustrated him and entertained him simultaneously.

5b. gd lost her temper, and there were lots of feelings over dinner. but we somehow managed, together, to get through to him and by bedtime we were doing well, and he appears to have a newfound appreciation for who we are and what we're trying to achieve. hopefully this sticks a bit.

6. after putting him to bed, i debated whether to go rollerblading, and eventually decided that that was a good idea. i tried a new route to the meeting point, and i think it was easier. which is good, because although we only did 20km tonight (i mean, it's still a lot) the route was predominantly uphills and downhills, and by the time we were done i wasn't sure if i'd make it home without a taxi, and i'm still not sure if i'll be able to sit or stand tomorrow.

my bum hurts.

but more than my bum hurting, my knee hurts. on our first downhill i hit a deep crack in the asphalt that i hadn't anticipated, and i now have a video recording from one of the others of a pretty painful (but extremely lucky) wipeout. i landed face-down, my pads took most of the damage, and i honestly have no idea how my chest and belly are practically unscathed. i have some minor cuts and abrasions on my hands and arms, but the worst scrape is on my left knee, because my pad slid down on impact and exposed it.

fortunately, one of the crew had a spray that calmed the pain down enough that i could continue the route, but after getting home and showering gd put peroxide on it before bandaging it up and that HURT.

so i've now spent the past hour and a half recovering and snacking, and now i'm getting ready to go to bed.

i think it's been a good day.

more small miracles

 i spent a good chunk of today on the couch, alternating between napping and reading dixon and wenzel's graphic novel adaptation of the hobbit. it's beautiful.

i got brought in to a drawing competition with my wife and son at some point, which was interesting.

mr smear spent a couple of hours played besiege, which we agreed to allow because he was getting all up in the physics and engineering. we regretted that decision when we saw the levels of blood and gore he was producing :/

but then later he saw me watching a video on programming and jumped in to human resource machine, and made it through quite a few levels before it was time to drag him out on his bicycle.

firstly, there was a lot less dragging required. secondly, he had a great time, except for a minor accident in which he didn't get too hurt and for which he was treated to his first grape fanta. all in all, it was a good trip ^_^

there was one incident which could have gone badly, but he demonstrated a pleasantly surprising emotional maturity that i don't think i've seen in him before, and we ended up with a quick and positive resolution.

we arrived home shortly before the post-passover pizzas, just in time to have a quick shower and enjoy the dinner while watching the season finale of baking impossible. what a great show!

...

i put too much garlic sauce on my pizza.

small miracles

 saturday:

i managed to drag mr smear out on the bike, which ended up awesome - he "remembered" that he actually enjoys riding his bicycle, and now that the puncture and gears have been repaired it was much more fun for him :)

we finished watching american splendor, and it's really as great as everyone said it was. what an inspirational film! and it answered a bunch of questions i had from reading our movie year.

yesterday:

one of ze germans decided to bring his family to tel aviv yesterday morning, so a whole bunch of us rocked up and had a great walk about! it's very rare to be able to get my family out of the house spontaneously and quickly, so that in itself was amazing, and when mr smear was being relatively antisocial (he was actually pretty cool most of the time) he found a quiet seat to read the copy of naruto that scrapper gave us years ago, and he's really digging it ^_^

we left the group in search of breakfast, and finding pesach-friendly vegan food was quite a mission. we eventually settled on hummus abu dabi, which was just fantastic. we all ate too much, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

the afternoon was pretty chilled, and although there was some unpleasantness surrounding mr smear getting his homework done he did eventually get through it before sundown. i had to re-learn long division in order to teach it to him, which i must admit was kinda fun :P

netflix's baking impossible is a really great show. after getting mr smear into bed, gd and i watched an episode of the boys to remind ourselves (the warmup to the 3rd season finale), and then the first episode of invincible because neither of us really remember much.

...

gd and i both slept badly last night, for different reasons. i've now spent two nights on the couch again. this mattress topper is not doing the trick :(

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my first on-call with my new employer is over, and it was fine. now i've got a proper day off for the holiday, and tomorrow's back to "normal".

...

oh, i tried to watch the mgmt - kids video with mr smear this morning, and that was a really bad idea. i don't know how i'd forgotten just how scary it is, and here i was trying to show him how scary it wasn't :(

collapsing

 well, the municipality doesn't do anything about threatening cats, nor the spca. but we did eventually learn that the cat does, in fact, belong to our shitty neighbors upstairs who fucking knew that it had gotten out when they left but decided to just fuck off and leave us to deal with it.

pieces of shit.

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ultimately, i'm still feeling sore (emotionally) from thursday evening, and i don't have the energy to dig deeper than that. i'm also feeling sore physically, and my chest still isn't right, and i've spent a good chunk of today resting and then getting up feeling as tired as when i lay down. am i sick? or depressed? who can say?

...

so we eventually left the apartment yesterday and made our way to the shuk, with the intention of picking up a hat for mr smear. by the time we found decent hats the right size, he'd decided that he didn't want a new hat. so we got on a bus home, then did some grocery shopping and picked up some juices along the way.

the big fight of the day was mr smear getting his homework done before sundown, because he'd decided that it was third grade math and he's only capable of 2nd grade math, even though he's in the third grade. he finally got through a single page before sundown.

i don't have energy for this shit.

he decided this afternoon that he wanted to do more of it. i managed to help him through it, but not without a fair amount of frustration.

god damn.

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we watched a bit of american splendor last night, but i passed out on the couch. i've been reading more of it, both mediums are really good.

...

when i wasn't resting today, i published the hi-res dedication pages of the comics, and i tried to make the website theme nicer before giving up. i did a little work on the next podcast episode, too. now i'm going to rest a bit more before taking mr smear out somewhere.

...

today i've decided that from now on, i'm referring to halva as "dry ice-cream".

herding cat

 it was a shitty morning to begin with, after a rough night, and we woke up to a cat (stray / our upstairs neighbors, it's anyone's guess) crying in the stairwell. gd opened the door to take a look, which was a big mistake as it launched itself past her and it took us a good five / ten minutes to get it out, but not without it clambering all over our couch and bed and leaving me with a nice red welt on my wrist.

gd's deathly allergic to cats, and she started breaking out with something even though it didn't touch her. i began getting chesty. so we both took antihystamines and i've called the municipality in the hopes they can make it possible for us to leave our apartment safely.

this sucks.

precipice

 i went to bed tired and full of shit feelings after a very long day, and then an impossible-to-reconfigure alarm woke me up and i've been having trouble calming down since. not to mention that i think i'm developing eczema again.

there're so many different sources of stress to choose from.

the biggest item of the day was me taking mr smear to his jiujitsu class in the afternoon, and mr smear flat-out refusing to participate. this led to a massive same-old-fight with gd that has nothing to do with mr smear's story.

as for mr smear, i've had a lot of insightful discussions with him since we left the gym, and it looks like we're going to have to find (a/some) alternatives to mma. which makes me sad, because mma really has been the perfect answer to a bunch of different requirements: self-defense, self-confidence, discipline physical exercise, affordability and the ability for gd (at least most of the time) to be able to take him.

fuck.

i'm so tired of things being relentlessly hard.

...

my work day was frustrating. i made extremely slow progress on my own tasks, although i have plenty on my plate. i did not finish the day with any sense of satisfaction, but i did shut my laptop with a solid sense of not having done enough hours due to distractions beyond my control.

seder

 we got to the car on time, but as we did so i began to feel like i might need to pee shortly, so after inspecting for damage and connecting my phone i stopped across the road from our apartment and made it to our bathroom just as it became an emergency.

i was worried that that was going to be a feature of our drive - an hour or so on the road - but fortunately that was it.

the evening was a bit surreal. it was wonderful and comforting to have most of the family together, even though kc's brother-n-law had been called up for reserve duty so we only saw him briefly via video chat. kc's two week-old and kc's sister's two month old were both there, and it was quite special to meet them. mr smear was being aggressively / unpleasantly shy and awkward, though he did participate in the singing of ma nishtanah and very enthusiastically joined his cousins on the hunt for the afikoman before it had even been hidden.

he was weird about the "prize" - he didn't want to take the twenty shekels from kc's dad - but yesterday he informed me that it was because he felt that it was unfair to him 😂

he also got angry with a little girl for "stealing", even though he had no real evidence that that's what had taken place.

the seder itself was mostly "the usual" for that side of the family, very loud and fun, but we made space both physically and emotionally for the hostages, even singing along to habayita (which triggered a fair amount of tears around the room).

the drive home was a bit mad, it was long, with heavy traffic and scary drivers on the road, but we made it to tel aviv safely and got home around 1.30am after dropping off the lady who'd helped in the kitchen.

yesterday:

i didn't sleep well, and i was exhausted and lazy for most of the day. i finally got mr smear's phone account sorted out in the morning, at least. in the afternoon, we went out for a walk to the park by the beach, which began with ice cream, ended with chips, and its middle was full of whining because mr smear wanted a sandwich and it's passover, where a) we don't do bread and b) passover bread is horrible.

anyway.

i bumped into an old friend at the park with some friends of his, and i was very awkward. or they were. maybe we all were. oh, well...

at dinner we watched more of the magic prank show, which is just amazing.

after putting mr smear to bed - after he very proudly called my mom from his own phone to say good night - gd and i watched another fallout episode.

today:

i slept much better, but started off the day all wrong. otherwise, it was a pretty good morning, but very hot; we're experiencing a heat wave right now, and it was an oven-like 37 degrees this afternoon with more of the same promised for tomrorow. the work day was good, but a bit weird. the thing i'm thinking about a lot is that a few of us had a particularly heated debate the other day, and after diving a bit deeper today i discovered that two of us were decidedly wrong - an apology is in order to the third, but he's on vacation for a week.

it was nigh impossible to find lunch today, it bothers me that the salad places are all closed down for passover. so i ended up getting hummus from an arab place, which turned out to be the best hummus in the area by far. after waiting twenty minutes in the line in the extreme heat, i ordered something that turned out to be with meat in it, and i was embarrassed and disappointed. i had planned to just take it out of my dish and give it to my teammates, but in the end we discovered that it wasn't meat after all, just really nicely-made fava beans :P

the wework management provided matzah and chocolate spreads, but nothing vegan, so one of them disappeared into their storeroom and returned with a whole slab of panda chocolate for me ^_^

at dinner we finished watching the magic prank show, and after getting mr smear into bed we watched the season finale of the fallout series. holy shit, they really did an amazing job and we both thoroughly enjoyed it! i'm really pleased that gd can now appreciate a world i've been so captivated by for over two decades ^_^