Tuesday, July 11, 2017

in sickness and...

after four days out of action, i've just taken a week's sick leave in order to sort out my life and my priorities. for years i've primarily been reacting instead of acting, and managing my affairs in a haphazard and reckless manner. four four days i've been sick and in pain, and now that i'm starting to come right i'm also starting to see a pattern that suggests that while i may have been hit by the flu, i may well just have been hit by a nerve issue similar to the one i suffered in april. if that's the case i'm in big trouble and something has to change.

as i just told protoplasm, i believe what i need - could i afford it - is a year of shutting myself away and getting all the shit in my head out into code or on paper. but i can't afford it, and it's gotta come out.

---
monday 26th:

working until 3am for the first time in a while

a couple of wakings during the night but easy for the first time in a week

starting the day with my first coffee in a couple of days and getting some work done, then a big mission to see a pulmonary specialist: i wish we'd been referred a year ago, it turns out that we've been handling mr smear's asthma and allergies all wrong the entire time. AND that the last week's trauma has been the flu, which is why the meds weren't really making a difference; apparently it's a particularly difficult flu to diagnose.

dropping mr smear at home and taking gd to the chiropractor, then back home and arranging for gd's friend to ship our stuff from montréal

nap time, everyone waking up around 6.30pm, dinner and shower time and playtime and bedtime and throw-up-again time

cleanup and bedtime and glow and hating the canada post website

tuesday 27th:

working until 4am, then getting into bed and spending an hour or two anxiously fretting over something that the paediatrician asked about mr smear that i don't think anyone has mentioned to us before - or that we clean forgot - and that should have been taken care of a year and a half ago

mr smear waking up unhappily, by the time he finally calmed down my hip was hurting so badly that there was no chance of me getting any rest

not the best morning, but gd's pancakes and coffee helped. a little reassurance about my earlier concerns, then some great news from my mom (got a call to work for the first time in a year)

a not-unpleasant meeting at the gym to explain why we won't be renewing our contract, then a pleasant while playing in the park before coming home to eat and nap

being woken by a call from a forex broker, gd's conversion programme acceptance, taking mr smear to the hardware store and the chinese store, then doing a big grocery shopping before dinner and a celebratory drink with my mom

SxS's big news!

mr smear beginning to copy new words immediately and unprompted

bedtime, glow, work

wednesday 28th:

working until just before 2am, about half an hour of hacknet, bed

mr smear starting the day early by pointing and crying in random directions, trying (and failing) to find something to watch to grab his attention and keep him near his breakfast, dropping him off at school and coming back home to a bad attempt at turning off my anxiety

work, picking up mr smear, a sudden and violent squishy ejection (squishy is a baby food product) while reading to him on the couch, the setup for a fight, hacknet and work, taking an unhappy mr smear to the park for a cold sunset

work, bathtime, dinner and glow (omg it's so incredibly awful it's brilliant!), awkwardly accepting my brother's dinner invitation, then working through

thursday 29th:

until 3am, minus a brief evaluation of my credit card charges that led me to understand that my bank's been stealing from me for quite a few months now

sophisticated weird dreams, my alarm pulling me out of a parking lot jam we'd been patiently driving out off with great trance music in the car

a serious spasm and nerve pinch in my neck / upper back

dropping mr smear off at school, working, gd trying to fix me before we finally got to the gym; a gentle treadmill jog and some bag work with a trainer who's preparing for a december fight (i probably shouldn't have asked if he was a beginner, but aside from bad form he was smashing the bag with his wedding ring on), then rushing off to pick up mr smear

shopping, lunch, and mr smear refusing to nap when i desperately needed it... of course as soon as we headed off to the waterfront he passed out, after i'd caffeined up with zang

a miserable mall mission with gd and me pressing each other's buttons while hunting basic kids' winter gear and finding nothing, then driving to the chiropractor, then coming home

signing papers for my mom, getting mr smear ready for bed, pulling him out of bed for a last feed and then dealing with a vomit volcano (as horrifying as it sounds)

ordering a credit card with half the interest (those bastards for conning me into the old one), gd's friend sorting out the shipment that i messed up, juggling finances and crashing early to have enough energy to work during the night

friday 30th:

one of those painful nights when sleeping is worse than not sleeping, up and hurting at 4.30am

gd treating me a little, enough to be able to work, and climbing back into bed exhausted just as my alarm went off; pokemon and cashew yoghurt, tantrums on the way out but arriving happily at the school

caustic soda and reading wired at the gym (now that my subscription's run out, i'm finally starting to get through my two year backlog), leaving to pick up mr smear in the pouring rain we were unprepared for

lunchtime not naptime before heading out to the paediatrician in the rain: a pleasant examination, thoroughly relieving my anxiety (yay! we haven't screwed up our son yet!), and mr smear's first blood test which wasn't easy but he was very brave and chilled out almost as soon as it was over

getting through the afternoon, including a walk to the pharmacy with headphones and my own playlist which i haven't done in forever, struggling with my neck and an IT problem at work

an awkward but not unpleasant dinner with my brother and a lot of people, coming home with an exhausted mr smear and watching the season finale of glow but passing out just before the end

saturday 1st:

another tough night for my neck, really struggling in the morning; dropping gd off at the gym and taking mr smear to the park, not finding our playdate because she was at the wrong park, the mother on the seesaw weighing much more than me, the big kids' slides and aggressive little buggers

taking gd to the chinese store, mr smear falling asleep soundly until i bumped his head putting him back in the car and ending any chances of him napping, battlestar galactica and gd's unsuccessful first miso / ramen / fungi experiment and hours becoming wearier while mr smear became more bored and wired, eventually mom visiting for a couple of hours, a long story getting mr smear to eat but winning eventually, then shower and bedtime and taking a moment to be grateful for the end of a very tiring day

finishing night of the jabberwock having thoroughly enjoyed it

chris d'elia - man on fire, hacknet and going to bed feeling much better

sunday 2nd:

a decent rest and a still-sore but not as bad neck, breakfast with octopuses (most intelligent animal on earth), a mission to the sea point street merchants who weren't there, gym with granny (good jump rope, kicking the bag and walking until i solved sudoku), shitty macha latte and a broken new book, then driving to canal walk

i love humanity, i love people, but nothing brings out my inner misanthrope like a crowded mall

mr smear waking up just as we finished lunch, going back to sea point for grocery shopping then returning home to find that someone had defecated in the stairwell

adventure time and hummus before putting mr smear to bed: mr smear's kisses make up for a lot

a little chris d'elia, a little horror, then a good amount of work

monday 3rd:

and restarting hacknet because following the first mission "correctly" makes a later one nigh-impossible

bed by 2.30, up by 7.30, mr smear happily eating his breakfast to vitalic's poison lips, first day of holiday school, gd's haircut (excuse to read wired), gym (some more reading, running and sudoku, a little jump rope and bag work), picking up mr smear in our "active wear", showering and napping while the cleaning lady watched him, watching him during vacuuming, then heading out to the massage therapist

an hour of painful but excellent massage, coming home to mr smear late napping, trying multiple books and howl's moving castle, gd making crazy good sandwiches, mr smear's inexplicable discomfort in the shower (days later and i'm pretty confident he's just messing with me), a difficult time getting him to bed and all of us passing out until midnight

tuesday 4th:

--- our second anniversary! ---

a tough night, up quite a few times, unable to get comfortable with my pillow, the heavy return of sciatica to compensate for the relaxation, and nightmares

up at 5am to work, down at 7am for a power nap, howl's moving castle, dropping off mr smear and coming home to a solid work session

lying down for a bit then going to the gym, another drink that tasted like a barn, reading the first heretic for a bit then picking up mr smear

school hide and seek with the parents losing, needing to swipe wet wipes to change mr smear before picking up gd and going grocery shopping and the "sensitive" ones causing a rash

running into a few people, one of whom gave mr smear milk chocolate without asking first and causing panic (we had allergex in his ready bag, which we very fortunately had with us)

long shopping and everyone tired out by the time we arrived home (nap time!), a busy but generally pleasant evening with howl's moving castle, a touch-and-go bedtime with mr smear taking about an hour to actually fall asleep once he'd been tucked into bed, beginning synchronicity, finishing hacknet and working well

wednesday 5th:

until 3am, sleeping relatively well until 7am and waking up still with a sore neck but much improved

gd's pancakes for breakfast (the usual, and so good!), dropping off mr smear, passing out for an hour or two trying to watch extraordinary: the stan romanek story, waking up to my first coffee (cold) and another round of pancakes (i've lost enough weight that my wedding ring's slipping again) and finally knocking items off my todo list that could easily have been taken care of months ago (that's burnout for you)

picking up mr smear, his insistence on walking me through the primary school, meeting his new friend by the big tree (the two of them walking hand in hand as we left was too cute), potential napping interrupted by a sneeze and a case of the giggles

giving the gym crèche another chance and enjoying a good workout, rushing home to receive something and an hour or two struggling with a tired-wired and naughty little boy; mom swinging by and giving us a bit of a break, chugging a coffee and showering and putting mr smear to bed

a long dev meeting fiddling with ms teams tools, installing vs2017 and checking out octodad (disorienting, but fun), fact checking plant agriculture vs animal water usage because ignorant people have such strong opinions

thursday 6th:

bedtime around 1am... err, 2am and blurry eyed after an installation crash

sleeping soundly but too little, waking up to another crash (vs2017 ftw), a mixed morning with good breakfast followed by inexplicable tantrums, dropping mr smear off with his regular teacher on the way to the holiday class, walking to my mom's to pick up my new credit card (that was fast!), then about to get into work when the fridge repairman arrived to explain how our fridge is fine but we've been fridging wrong

pancakes and tiredness

picking up mr smear, dropping him off at the gym crèche, reading wired and enjoying a turmeric and lentil curry, an impromptu coffee with my cousin who i've been trying to catch for a while

a short nap before the therapist arrived, a good session ending on a sad note, mr smear waking up a little later, a not unpleasant evening and joined by my mom, putting mr smear to bed and realizing just how insanely tired i was

very suddenly feeling thoroughly sick, convinced that it was nervous (then i'd forget that i'd thought that it was nervous, and now i think it was nervous again)

friday 7th:

up just after midnight to purge dinner and undo a day or two's worth of healing in my neck, an hour later suspecting food poisoning

you know you're sick when... in a dream i couldn't recall what year it was, someone eventually said "1925" and i believed them

up and hurling a couple more times, feeling worse as the night wore on; not sure how i managed to get up and drive to the school the first time (i almost passed out from the smell of mr smear's diaper after he'd shoved a hand in there - i'm very glad that he was as horrified by the result as we were), but the second time was all thanks to a combination of panado and zofar

taking gd and mr smear to the gym, trying to rest in the car, walking inside and from the moment mr smear saw me enter being forced to hold him until we left

gd giving me some time to rest before going shopping, mr smear fully energized, the rush to prepare everyone for their first synagogue experience and its predictable unpleasantness (the rush, not the synagogue)

enjoying a surprisingly good warhammer story in the first heretic, receiving a fascinatingly good report of gd and mr smear's first temple experience

gd's burgers and a highly active mr smear, reading a physical local community newspaper before bed

saturday 8th:

up and struggling at 1am, a long night and waking up stiff and sore all over, spirited away and breakfast and coffee

upset over misunderstanding over satellite clusters on an astronomy app

a gym mission, a park mission, a nap, an exhausting afternoon with a two year-old who repeatedly hurt us, mom's visit, assisting my coworker with git, mr smear getting wilder as the evening wore on, eventually putting him to bed quite late

a little more synchronicity before passing out

sunday 9th:

gd and i both up around 3am, i was sore and uncomfortable and struggled until mr smear woke up unhappy, at which point i compressed my discomfort into half my usual space so that he could lie between us; he woke up at 7am, i read to him a little before putting on alice in wonderland and trying to rest on the couch... that ended with being smashed in the face with lego to inform me that he needed breakfast...

survival mode until my mom arrived to take gd and mr smear out while i stayed home and watched stuff i can't normally watch (a hard-hitting episode of vice on meat and water, and the big fat truth)

lying down for a bit, then rejoining gd in the never-ending game of whac-a-mole that is a two year-old, eventually taking meds so we could take him to the aquarium; he had a great time with a bunch of other wound-up kids, then joined us relatively calmly for dinner at col'cacchio's which was really nice. getting some shopping done, mr smear dashing our dreams of him falling asleep before we got home by thoroughly soaking himself with a water bottle, picking up something from my mom, coming home and speeding through the bedtime ritual

milestone for the day: my son has just learned the word "sorry". he uses it just before he does something he needs to be sorry for.

finally watching the sixth episode of american gods, which was awesome, but would've been better with subtitles.

monday 10th:

another long night, though not as rough, really weird dreams including being late for our second wedding in a town with a sci-fi convention and staying in a hotel with revolting barracks toilets; buying a street dog with an app and then being approached by another that was somehow still walking around though it had been sliced in half from nose to tail with its organs (halved) showing but in place, thinking mr smear's stroller had gone down a hill and ending up in a mansion i'd played in regularly as a child; becoming emotional but annoying the new owners, noticing that we all had the same paediatrician

a challenging morning with my head spinning and my lips tingling and unnecessary tension in the house, dropping off mr smear and coming home to an hour or so of sleep, breakfast and coffee and dropping gd off at the acupuncturist

quick finances, rushing past my mom's to pick up something that mysteriously wasn't there, rushing to pick up gd, arriving late and waiting for a few minutes; picking up mr smear and driving straight through the gym

mr smear heartbroken when the little girl left, nap time and meditation time (with gd's help), taking steps towards my south african tax review, clearing a couple of todo items, putting in a request for a burnout-prevention week, mostly enjoying the evening (or at least, enjoying it more than usual) and receiving a visit from protoplasm which ran quite late by our standards... after which we watched betting on zero which is a great documentary about a brilliant form of activism, albeit not particularly well-executed.

tuesday 11th:

holy crap it's almost 2am wtf.

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