i'm lying awake in bed contemplating my week, in particular my frustrations and my unprofessional responses to them, while simultaneously revelling in the moments that generated pride, the unexpected compliments and respect and appreciation.
it's not his lack of initiative. it's not even his incompetence. i'm coming to believe that it's the deception - primarily the self-deception - that snaps shut the lid on my heart.
mediocrity is the corruption of the soul. it's the lack of ability accompanied by a reduction of ambition, when ambition is what produces ability in the first place. it's the shrinking of goals to fit the narrative of "i can't" by justifying it with "i shouldn't"s instead; it's the self-limitation that's transformed into rules that limit whoever listens to him. it's the repetition of misunderstandings and mistakes and their transformation to a lifetime of bad decisions.
and finally, when confronted with the truth, when presented with solutions and attempts to educate, it's the rationalization of "but i've always done this". his insidious insinuation that his grey hairs show his experience and authority, when his attitude reveals his infantility.
this is a man who believes that death is the prize for struggling through a life without meaning, a man who works long, unproductive hours because he can't bring himself to think by himself, a man who does nothing but talk with authority about things he cannot understand, a man who "plays adult", who looks up to the lethargic and coaches a lack of discipline and values.
i want to feel pity for the man. i want to be kind, and compassionate, and patient; but i cannot accept that his kind exists, i cannot accept that our world is as dysfunctional as it is because of people like him, and that its dysfunction produces and encourages people like him.
i will not accept his kind. i refuse his world. i want to live in a world of heroes. i want to live in a world of enlightened beings, of risk takers and game changers, of honesty and integrity and bravery. it's so easy to make a world like that. it's so very wrong not to.