Saturday, September 05, 2015


absolutely wiped out by lunch
k'tan sizing and boxing fail: it's too large for gd, too small for me and its box appears to have been thrown out so returning it is no longer an option
mom / godmother distress
chatting with SxS about his surprising big news while on a shopping mission
a rough evening,


followed by a long morning, about four hours of sleep and getting up to find gd and mr smear playing on the floor of his room
family judaism 101 and planning for rosh hashana
a great lunch at P.M. with my mom and mr smear's godmother (msg)

last peaceful minutes before a farewell photoshoot and saying goodbye to my mom
my pinched nerve really getting to me at the same time as mr smear became loudly inconsolable

waking up for garbage collection (and to throw out more unused formula, its room-temperature lifespan combined with our child's unpredictability and lack of communication skills makes for a really wasteful product) and to be pleasantly surprised to find that the two articles i took outside earlier had already been snatched up by neighbours instead of going to the dump.


dreaming. my parents being neglectful when they were supposed to be taking mr smear home and i had another physical fight with my father and put him in the hospital (again), only this time at the end he was making a show of his bravado. without the car seat's base i had to carry him home myself, and he was tucked in a bag which couldn't have been safe. being chucked out of the house by my mother i went to her sister, and the minute i put mr smear down there he began to pee until he literally flooded the room and i struggled to rescue the carpets before everyone got home. then we were on the road with tool while they were coming up with their first album.

waking up 2.30am to a chilly apartment and the desperately hungry mr smear. falling asleep on the job and needing a protein bar just to keep myself going until he finally went back to sleep. a pretty good morning, excitement at every fart and putting together most of a swing / mobile set before heading off on a shopping expedition.

i can't stop thinking about the shit nem keeps repeating about parenting; how his whole life changed and how he forgot about his love for his wife the minute he picked up his child. what a loser, to have spent his entire life up until that moment unaware of how his efforts (or lack thereof) would affect his progeny and legacy! doubly so, that in the time since he still hasn't figured out better priorities other than making as much money as he can. as for love, there's plenty to go around so i strongly suspect that there wasn't much in the way of it before... anyway, i wouldn't care as much if i didn't have to face him when i return to work with the compulsion to tell him what i think.
i probably shouldn't.

infant hats are bloody difficult to find, serious shopping finding all manner of things we need, getting back in time to relieve gd so she could eat before our doctor's appointment

a dirty taxi with difficult seat-belt clips driving off with my foot still out the door

just trying to settle him so that gd could rest and i could go to the pharmacy to get some things to make the night easier took more than two hours of feeding and changing and burping only to have him constantly screaming into my ears.

the sad discovery that we bought a new remote control because the old one stopped working after it was dropped and that magically happened to be the exact moment at which the batteries gave out.

severe nerve pinching due to bad posture while holding him


i guess the main lesson i've learned over the past four weeks is just how unevolved we are.
we should have four arms and hands, two are simply insufficient when you're holding a small child and trying to get stuff done.
otherwise, everything could be voice activated or we could have robot servants. i'll take anything at this point.

swollen / spasmed area around pinched nerve and extreme pain standing and sitting and walking

feeling a bit better after a few hours of cheers (my first time seeing it) and some rest
acupuncture: filling out a medical questionnaire that doesn't hurt my brain or require guesswork is pathetically motivating.

it turns out my pinched nerve was lower than i thought, and after a half an hour that flew by (and just as my rls presented itself) he began to massage along my spine and tailbone, digging into surprisingly intensely sensitive spots. he started late and finished late and gd started losing control at home just as i got off the table...

stiff legs from holding the same pose for hours while mr smear and gd rested; getting up when desperate to learn that we were all out of food (but thankfully in time to order pizza)

this morning so far:

early morning drama over lost time and differing memories, followed by waking up at 6am to wake mr smear up to burp him and struggling for over 20 minutes before achieving nothing more than having woken him to discomfort.

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