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Monday, August 27, 2018

if it's not bell, it's telkom

CRIMINALS AND ENABLERS THE LOT OF THEM.

i have spent my morning furious, but i'm starting to find the humour in the absurdity. just after discovering that telkom had significantly overcharged me a while back and i hadn't picked it up (not the first time, i really do need to remember that they're a bunch of bandits) , i then received a message from FNB informing me that telkom had unexpectedly taken a whole lot of money out of my account - the exact same amount i'd paid them a week ago.

livid, i abandoned my morning responsibilities and went straight to the closest fnb branch where they informed me that although the money was stolen today, and i know about it, i can only report it tomorrow. WHAT - THE - ACTUAL - F***.
i was also distressed to learn that the reason telkom was able to take the money was because of a watch they'd put on my account (and forgotten to remove), which i don't recall agreeing to.

shocked, perhaps even angrier than before if such a thing was possible, i fumed for a bit before finally getting hold of telkom's billing department (i know, i'm impressed that i got through too!). after getting all my details and my payment reference for the previous week, the agent agreed that they had received the payment and took the money in error.

and could i please call back to open a dispute tomorrow, because that can't be done on the same day.

WHAT.

THE.

ACTUAL.

F***.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

bell bill bull

after months being hounded by collection agencies on behalf of bell for a clearly fictitious bill that i disputed (it was for a period i'd already disconnected my service and left the country), i finally got through to the right people (bell employees can't communicate by email or make phone calls out, apparently). after a breakdown of the final months and my payments, we finally established that bell bills are actually for the two months prior, meaning that a bill for march is actually the bill for january. it suddenly struck me that they'd been doing that since my first bill, which means that although i only signed up with bell in november 2012 my first bill in december was actually for the month of september. a time when i didn't receive any service from them.

it took the supervisor, who's clearly been working there for years, a few moments to process this information. i explained to him that as a human being, he had two choices: the first was to cancel the debt and call it a day, the second was to leave it as is and let me take all this information before a judge if and when we return to canada.

to his credit, he acknowledged the absurdity of the situation and cancelled the amount. this story has only cost me a few dollars in calling costs, but it's cost me a whole lot in hours that i don't have and in stress i have way too much of.

i knew all about hydro quebec doing crazy shit to steal customers' money, but this just blew my mind. and apparently videotron's similar.

wow, canada, you guys put up with a lot of shit.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

seven days in

tuesday 14th august:

down the crypto rabbit hole until 3.45am

early up, jumping out of bed to an angry mr smear, the washing machine installed, gd out of commission and some unnecessary tension

a bad cough starting

dropping mr smear at school, printing our contract and sending in my shirt for popeyefication, pharmacy

my first work chats (asynchronous), lots of communication tool configuration, a rush to draw cash for the morning's appliance guy, beginning to set up my old laptop

picking up mr smear, who'd had a normal day, a mall visit for a babyccino and some nails for our coffee table, home for lunch, taking mr smear in the stroller back to the mall with him falling asleep, just missing the next hardware store, stopping by an awesome tattoo parlour (tomb) to get my helix replaced

mr smear waking up in a foul mood just before we returned home, ordering in, apartment contract stress, mom's laptop issues (windows smartscreen is the WORST), the food being good but the delivery sucked, ending up with polystyrene packaging in my food

the tragedy of my son spooning good soup all over his chest, but improving a little at least

a very long goodnight, peeling three apples with my teeth

the policeman shouting at our neighbour's door

wednesday 15th:

waking up past midnight in my son's bed having passed out because it had taken so long to get him to go to bed

a little setup then grabbing four hours of sleep before getting up around 5.30 to adult with the lease - finally getting through it around two hours later, just in time for everyone else to wake up and to decide that i needed more rest (ha, ha, right)

still with the horrible cough

a very busy morning getting mr smear to school, finding a strip for our shower door - feeling like i'd taken a crazy pill, wondering if everyone on the roads was simultaneously having a stroke and one well-dressed man actually walking into the side of my stopped car - lots of time invested in contract signing and snags, setting up my workstation, dealing with pest control and homeless shelter vouchers and the museum and class gifts and condolence gifts and drawing cash for piercings

picking up mr smear ("i *want* to be wet and smelly!"), trying to optimize by taking him to the shelter to pick up the vouchers; he fell asleep just as we arrived, and everything smelled intensely of human feces, the weirdness of learning that the pharmacy gets a bulk discount on vouchers and hoping that's not actually the case and that they're simply paying a part of each booklet themselves

mr smear napping and me continuing to set up my workstation, asking him what he wanted for his room's walls and constructing a lego policemen poster while he complained that he'd meant he wanted to see lego city on the ipad; feeding him wraps, hummus and berries before taking him and his balance bike to the tomb tattoo parlour to pay the amount i still owed them, mr smear finally getting on his bike (i'd had to carry it the whole time) and having an amazing time following around the indian restaurant owner's bigger kid (and stopping to develop a relationship with the francophone car guard)

a pleasant walk home, then heading to my mom's coffee shop to help her with her laptop and chat over coffee before doing a grocery run for my salad ingredients, winning a bunch of airtime vouchers, then coming home and straight into shower time

a dripping wet diaper right after showering requiring us to shower again, putting mr smear to bed and learning that for three days he's been avoiding going to sleep because he's afraid of a ghost he saw on the #!%?ing care bears

raging after discovering that the cleaning lady is still putting open food in the cupboards

trying to get some work done but becoming overwhelmed with exhaustion, lying down to nap for half an hour

thursday 16th:

and eventually getting up at 5am and wondering if this early morning thing was going to be the way forward

horrible cough day three: sludge throat

gd and i sharing a mutual freakout because i'd been working for my new employer for three days and had yet to produce a thing; partially exacerbated by running out of local funds because i hadn't been keeping track and the move was full of surprise expenses

managing to get mr smear out the door half a hour less late than usual (with a little stress and a packed breakfast), returning pretzels and learning about torque bits and finally leaving the hardware store with a wood bit and a pre-sliced dowel, picking up a second attempt at a popeye shirt and printing the lego policemen poster (which he'd enjoy later), returning home to sort out carpets, make slow and steady progress with work and later prove my "handiness" to my wife by satisfactorily fixing the foot of our sleeper wood coffee table

the relief of being able to walk barefoot in our apartment for the first time

picking up mr smear and taking him shopping while he devoured his breakfast, lunch and berries (and a handful of raw almonds, which pleased me), then returning home to find him passed out in the back and lying down myself for an hour or two until he woke up around 5pm

finally, after being in our home for a week, setting up the entertainment system

a reasonable bedtime preparation followed by a child who was completely uninterested in going to sleep - after a lot of effort on both our parts he threw a tantrum; i managed to handle it well and he confided in me that he didn't want to go to sleep because he wanted to go to the dentist - i explained that the two aren't mutually exclusive, recited a poem while scratching his back and finally got some me time in watching you magnificent bastard before getting back to work

mr smear starting a cough,

oh-f***-it's-friday 17th:

crashing suddenly just after midnight

a longer time waking up than planned, wondering where my week went (inspiring me to log my hours again)

an hour or so figuring out how to self sign certificates in windows (thank you, let's encrypt! and thank YOU, babun!), a tough time getting mr smear out of his room ("i don't want to go to school! i want to stay in my room!") and ready for school ("i don't want to play with my friends, i want to go to the dentist!")

a lost cap, a quick shopping that took far too long, picking up gd and going straight through to her not-hypnotherapist

a little work progress, followed by a rush to get through a city full of incompetent drivers, stopping in the worst parking lot (woolworths at cavendish) to pick up a new cap for mr smear and finally arriving ten minutes late at the wrong hospital on the opposite side of town for gd's appointment - dropping her off and realizing that she was two minute's walk from our new home - it turned out to be a bad idea to tell her that, though, which kind of soured the afternoon a bit

picking up mr smear, working while keeping an eye on him, finally achieving something (basic, but satisfying) just before leaving for the temple

a pleasant service with mr smear playing quietly in the kid's corner with a new friend (i think her mother thought i was hired help - she certainly treated me as such), heading straight to my cousins for a really nice and loud family dinner

saturday 18th:

lost iphone contacts - my phone had decided to attach all my contacts to my work account and deleted them all when i disconnected it :'(
gardens visit, a scalding hot babyccino and the predictable fallout which the woman at least had the decency to be embarrassed about
a beard trim and laser treatment
a company gardens playdate, mr smear's first strip show (he stumbled upon a woman modelling nude in public), the kids simultaneously pooping their pants and the nightmare scenario of not catching mr smear taking off his onesie and diaper and covering himself in messy shit
back home for a fun hour or two while the kids parallel played
setting up the playstation and mr smear passing out on my lap watching me play motorstorm
dinner and disenchanted (great)
sailor coming over for a long and entertaining evening

sunday 19th:

two hours of personal project work followed by two hours of dealing with mr smear's nappy rash and refusal to sleep, finally sliding out of his bed (his eyes were still open) at 4am just as city revelers started a massive fight in the streets that lasted at least half an hour

about three hours of sleeping badly, waking up uncomfortably, half an hour of tightening security for my phone service, driving through to wynberg

the joy of witnessing mr smear in the back seat wearing a blue glitter water drop mask and singing along to dead or alive - you spin me round

getting out of the car for a memorial service and mr smear yelling "ghostbusters!" at the top of his lungs...

telling my son we had to go but getting stuck for half an hour (at least some of it was fun, chasing him around the empty synagogue)

lunch at plant, waiting an absurdly long time but the new menu definitely successful

a fun walk around the block with mr smear and witnessing a gang of street kids giving patrons a hard time

coming home to no naps, a proper shower (after two days skipped) and an afternoon with mr smear generally* playing nicely while i worked on my telephony project and then joining me for an intense session of toy story 3 (that game is amazing)

* with a few bum-paste related meltdowns

accidentally breaking a very nice wardrobe light installation (all we needed)

dinnertime with animaniacs (he asked for it, we all enjoyed it), followed by a very nice story time and getting him asleep before 9pm for the first time since before we moved, gd actually settling in a drawing for the first time in ages, and now that i've posted i think i'm ready to work.

i just wish i didn't have that infestation feeling all over my legs again. and that i had time to invest in preparing for next week's poetry slam.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

final invoice

i began this post at 1.40am, towards the end of my first day in a new job; i'm nervous about not having actually spoken to anyone or having made any real progress yet, although i have finally learned the basics of react...

---
sunday 29th july:

2am bedtime

everyone up early, gd angry because the meds messed her up and the nerve blocks have done nothing for her

a waterfront mission for party toys, mr smear managing to hold his own with bigger (and rougher) kids on a giant slide

making satisfying progress with my telephony project

an afternoon at the "mikveh", feeling worn out and in great need of an extra weekend, mr smear having a grand time with the other kids

gd's support snail

submerging mr smear into the freezing water to great protest right after gd (a minute later he wanted to go again), scraping my knee on a poorly designed step while trying to hand him over at awkward angles

a long drive home, being sent shopping, then being sent to pick up food with no menus and gd complicating the options

falling asleep at the table waiting for the food to come out

a disappointing potty training failure, a big, delicious dinner with my mom, a naughty mr smear, a really nice bedtime

dark tourism, sasha baron cohen, and more satisfying telephony project progress

monday 30th:

a reasonable night's rest, waking up slowly with mr smear sleeping in, dropping him off an hour late, heading to the printer, then the police station to certify the copy, then the gym for a half-hour session before realizing i was out of time and rushing to shower, snack and get to the fingerprinting office (while yelling at my phone for being completely useless when needed)

a big pick 'n pay lunch (i bought and ate way too much food) and clearing my virtual desk at my mom's coffee shop before picking up mr smear - needing a short nap in the car before going to get him, then another short nap at home

a really enjoyable walk to the lighthouse playground, both of us having a good time

dropping him off at home, then heading to my mother's coffee shop to (poorly) finish installing the shelf

coming home for a traumatic shower experience, but a really sweet bedtime story

my frustrations with bad writing: watching some of the night of and finding myself utterly incapable of sympathizing with naz because every action or reaction of his is literally unbelievably stupid and he's supposed to be the tutor

crashing until midnight (so one or two hours)

tuesday 31st:

getting up to work, and finally going back to bed just before 4am

everyone still tired, jumping out of bed at 8 for a marshmallow delivery - an enormous box of vegan marshmallows for mr smear's birthday party that nobody really went for

not as late for school as the previous couple of days, heading to the gym for a "relaxed" workout before settling down to work

relatively good news for mr smear's allergies (there's a chance that he'll outgrow his dairy allergy after all)

picking up a happy boy, home, a pharmacy run that utterly ruined the day, helping my mom with the shelf again, shower and bedtime and a long time convincing mr smear that his bed is just fine

from unpleasant to bearable

wednesday 1st august:

an uneasy morning, mr smear eating his breakfast heartily and enjoying new israeli songs, dropping him off late, heading to the gym and diving into work instead of working out

rushing to pick up gd on the far end of sea point then rushing back to town, encountering unusually bad drivers all along the way

a straightforward meeting with the neurologist, feeling more willpower-depleted the closer we got to home and crashing for an hour before rushing to pick up mr smear

a long handover meeting, a quick bug fix then joining gd for her graduation ceremony rehearsal; mr smear and one of the bigger kids playing really nicely, a positive urinal experience with mr smear, my first "hagba"

an insulting response from my soon-to-be ex-boss to my resignation letter that insinuated that they could have made a plan to pay me better after two years of giving me stories when i explained i was in financial distress

meeting our brazilian friend to pick up mr smear's birthday gift early and having a really interesting conversation about nutrition

mr smear's third birthday superman muscle top is like my third birthday superman outfit on steroids

working hard and running through chores

thursday 2nd:

until 2am, in bed just before 2.30

meeting our cleaning lady's "sister", another late morning

a good workout in spite of the gym music being demoralizingly bad - my first time remembering to put on very loud psytrance to cover it up

good work, picking up mr smear, picking up gd's tallit and get mr smear home and into bed for his skipped nap

working until he woke up, then resting a bit before taking him shopping with me; a walking stick, a bicycle helmet, birthday stuff

dinner, a good chat with horseman, a good shampoo night experience and a really nice bedtime storytelling which included me reciting poetry to him after lights out for the second day in a row with good results (him relaxing)

an episode of captain underpants (great!) before crashing heavily for a couple of hours,

friday 3rd:

up around midnight to work and debate online, finally returning to sleep around 3.30

up at 7am for a half hour attempting to coax mr smear out of bed (successfully), leaving late but really early compared to the previous week, working for a bit before exercising

good but high-pressured work, lunchtime reading coca wars (interesting, but not amazing), picking up mr smear and learning he'd called the new kid "harry hadeda"

an extra ride to get him to sleep a little, another long handover meeting, a rush to get everyone ready for the temple

mr smear being pretty amazing for the two hours of gd's graduation ceremony and service, generally playing well with the other kids and sometimes even enjoying sitting with me and singing

losing my cool in the car on the way home (the suggestion of going to the chinese place that caused a fight last time) and finally remembering not to let that stuff get to me - "i don't care" is not a bad strategy when you've got anger issues. and i have anger issues.

a not unpleasant evening, very quickly showering mr smear and brushing his teeth and reading howl [what?! i'm sure i mistyped] until ten

crashing around 22.20

saturday 4th:

up at 7am to pick up the birthday cake, a lot of noticeable potholes between observatory and my mom's fridge, mr smear in tantrum until i finally got him out the door ("i - i - i - i wa-want to be-have"), a very long morning service with some great moments (mr smear in his batman onesie running to gd while she read the shema), a very long brocha with very little vegan food, plenty of alcohol and a lot of talking

mr smear's late and long nap, taking full advantage, overeating and playing a bit of samorost 3

a long waterfront mission: food, mr smear holding his own with bigger kids on the slides, balloon hunting, sneaking into the alcohol aisle just as they were locking it up

losing the beard (i suspected that that was why mr smear was calling me "grampa"... i was wrong), a late shower and bedtime and falling asleep while trying to get him into bed

10pm and mr smear putting on a show, finally getting him calm and climbing into bed myself about half an hour later

sunday 5th:

2am sudden anxiety because we were throwing a birthday party for three year-olds with lots of sugar and no activities or toys

a mad rush for grocery shopping, picking up mr smear and delivering him with the party gear before paying the plastics store a quick visit (i brought the random to the party, and it appeared to work)

arriving just in time for the party, non-stop craziness for two hours and an incredible amount of gratitude to my cousins for not only letting us use their house but for really pitching in to make things work; a morning filled with friends and family and mr smear thoroughly enjoying himself, another dolce vegan cake success

no naps in spite of our best efforts, a long afternoon and a lot of enthusiastic gift opening, mom visiting before i set about taking mr smear to the aquarium: it's become a thing, this falling asleep just as i park the car...

napping uncomfortably myself after getting him home, unwinding a bit (about half of the huntsman: winter's war) then diving into work

monday 6th:

finally getting to bed around 1.30am

mr smear getting in a solid 11 or 12-hour sleep, and waking up ready for action around 5am; gd taking one for the team and letting me sleep to alarm-time

another stiff neck day

the final gift unwrapping after gd had opened all the surprise mini-figures (so *that* was an expensive early wake-up), gd's foot-in-mouth voice message to our cleaning lady that couldn't have been worse (fortunately it turned out okay)

getting mr smear to school reasonably late (ie 5 minutes or so) in spite of cape town's drivers making a magnificent case for autonomous automobiles, walking to my mom's coffee shop for a coffee and a few important messages then walking back to celebrate mr smear's birthday with the class

the birthday crown
candle enthusiasm
the kids loving the sorbet
all manner of lovely moments, peaking with "how old are you?" "i'm SAN!"

the excitement of receiving my first work communication from my new employer, a lot of pleasant desk clearing before completing an important handover task

lunch comics: john allison's that is pretty good

picking up mr smear just before the heavy rains began, an afternoon of him playing nicely with his new mini figures and watching spirited away, then chores and work

dinner documentary (bbc's "life" - amazing!)

good shower and generally positive bedtime

duct-taping vents and windows, work, a bit of crayon physics deluxe, and my eyelid twitching from exhaustion

tuesday 7th:

until calling it a night around 2am

...

or 2.50am...

early up, feeling a bit better neck-wise for the first hour or two, discovering the yard on my way into the gym (and their delicious but overpowered coffee)

a good workout, some productive time and finishing that over lunch, picking up a happy mr smear

what i wouldn't give to see the silly look on my face:
"what were you just singing?"
"this is the last time, okay?"

telkom visit, a long handover meeting

mr smear's first bicycle outing and enraptured drone watching

exhausted and going to bed early

wednesday 8th:

a terrible night's sleep

putting sunscreen on mr smear when he pushed the autistic kid who fought back furiously; the difficulty of explaining to a three year-old that it's his fault while simultaneously protecting him

the yard's coffee improved by being single-shot, a solid workout (unrecorded) with the biokineticist, more handover documentation and a nut replacement for my salad that almost broke my teeth

another handover meeting and concern building that my coworker is *not* getting it

mr smear's great ride to the blue train, great train and park time, but a half an hour to get him on the way home and having to return in the freezing cold wind with him complaining of a sore knee

SxS's frustration and my frustration with his frustration, requesting an intended implementation before the end of my notice period because my coworker's not ready

late night timeouts (no throwing batgirl)
mom reading mr smear to sleep
the good place (cute, i guess) before crashing early

thursday 9th:

a better night's sleep but a grumpy wakeup

finally fixing the shelf at my mom's coffee shop (satisfying)

taking mr smear and his bike to the park

running into an old schoolmate and his family, then into our old neighbours and teaching the husband about game shopping

smoothie and gym equipment

mr smear passing out in the warm car

coming home to a packed up apartment, getting a tiny amount of work done before rushing off to my mom's apartment for the last handover meeting

freezing with a ski jacket and upset that my mother's been suffering an awful bathroom for six months

cold and heavy winds

returning home to a quick and desperate coffee, taking mr smear to the waterfront and realizing on arrival that i'd left his ready bag at home (!), quick shopping and rushing home to drop him off and head out to he sheng; finding myself too early to pick up our food and having to wait in the car

my deepest thanks to https://fpv-freerider.itch.io/fpv-freerider for allowing me to discover, along with the aid of a playstation controller, just how easy drone control isn't. also for demonstrating just how good a decision the guy on the promenade made by ignoring my three year old's persistent requests for a turn

a delicious dinner, an easy shower, an easy bedtime but too tired to read and unable to nap because we needed to pack - packing and working

friday 10th:

until 1.30am

painfully up at 7am, rushing out a bit late with big boxes and arriving on time to discover that the agent was running late

a startlingly well-run building, only one serious handover issue, a very awkward and unwelcome congratulatory hug, a 9am discovery that our movers had misunderstood my instructions, the caretaker cleverly pre-preparing gd's tag

emergency shopping, a quick stop at my mom's before a tiring series of back-and-forths while the movers delayed twice (passing out for five minutes in the car, waiting for ten or fifteen in the cold wind)

a simple first move, a massive second move and at 1pm rushing off to let in the bath fixers, picking up three lafot (accidentally ordering four but converting the last into falafel and fries), meeting our cleaning lady's daughter who came to babysit and who instantly clicked with mr smear

losing the movers on the way out the parking lot, eventually getting sorted (it turned out they were pulled over for a traffic violation)

a superette run for drinks, an embarrassing moment realizing that i was supposed to have organized lunch for the movers, macdonald's for everyone (their veggie burgers are better than i remember their "meat" burgers being)

rushing to get gd to the temple for her first truly voluntary temple service, packing up some of the loose bits then picking her up and returning for an initially tense evening

no showers, no toothbrushes leading me to do another run in spite of my exhaustion (and they weren't there)

mr smear blessedly going to bed easily

saturday 11th:

a slow morning with mr smear, then heading back to meet my mom and pack some more while a new cleaning lady helped gd sort things out, a quick shopping mission (a chai at my mom's coffee shop while gd shopped and my mom chased mr smear), taking mr smear out for a mostly fun hour at the company gardens

showertime: not bad, but mr smear almost scoring an injury in the slippery tub

the shocking news that a young girl who'd graduated the previous week with gd had passed away

a really tough bedtime with mr smear (i was tired and stressed about work and he was in test mode)

successfully integrating web api side-by-side with node.js before midnight

sunday 12th:

working until 2.30am in spite of my intentions to get some rest

5 hours of relatively decent sleep with some intense dreaming, an easy start to the day, then hurrying mr smear to meet my mom and do another trip

full-scale meltdown, eventually appearing to be move-stress related

getting mr smear and the boxes home, rushing to get to game before closing time, picking up the stuff and being conned into a handshake by a beggar, then negotiating with competing "car-guards" who i'm fairly certain weren't guarding my car

taking mr smear in the stroller to the holocaust museum, taking a walk to determine the best way to the school (i'm pretty sure i found the worst), a visit to the museum and discovering that they DO have membership options but operate them ass-backwards, getting caught in the rain, realizing that there're no ramps at all in our building for the disabled or parents

home, kashrut conversations, installing a panel heater and being deeply satisfied by the new drill i'd purchased, dinner, positive shower, not unpleasant bedtime and then a long night of mostly working really hard

and eating far too much junk food

monday 13th:

finally going to bed at 3am on my first day of a new job, but handing over a pretty complete solution and feeling REALLY good about it

tough getting up, a mostly pleasant start but some last minute stress on mr smear's part, dropping him off and coming back home to set myself up with my new work

sore feet from my first day back to working on my feet

the pain of hearing about mr smear being wild and mean at school (understandable, but sad)

a long and sometimes painful mall mission, sudden waves of exhaustion, taking our cleaning lady home on my way to pick up more things before realizing i didn't have keys for my mom's apartment; napping for five minutes until she came to the rescue and braving the particularly cold sea air to sort out another delivery.

feeling ill

affixing the mezuzah, teaching my son that ghosts aren't welcome in our apartment and aren't allowed to make scary noises, eating, showering and putting mr smear to bed - passing out myself while wishing him a goodnight (he didn't start relaxing until around 10.30pm), chugging a mug of coffee and going to bed for twenty minutes...

tuesday 14th:

... waking up after midnight, spending an hour hunting through chat history (skype makes that difficult for the past year and a half, and impossible for anything earlier) and putting together a final email to SxS after discovering that my company account had been deactivated, firing off a prorated invoice (i had to learn how) before receiving a positive response from him. then deciding to post this and now actually publishing it more than half an hour later...

Wednesday, August 08, 2018

everyone knows

i don't believe that there are fundamentally malicious people. i believe that most of us are simply misguided. or, perhaps, complexly misguided. i believe that when you're conditioned to accept things that require activating cognitive dissonance, whether its owning slaves, or killing jews, or fighting undesirable sexual urges, or advertising useless products, or destroying the planet, or producing and destroying animals in their billions, or grinding eight hours a day in jobs we hate in the hope of not starving or losing the roofs over our heads; the struggle to operate without fighting back or losing one's mind can make one depressed and resentful and frustrated and cruel.

i don't think of the people who can step back and say "this is wrong" as "compassionate". i don't believe they're any more compassionate than everybody else. i believe they're enjoying the privilege of being able to identify the wrongs and the empowerment to do what's right, regardless of the consequences.

that's true freedom, in my opinion, the freedom to be a hero and face down adversity even when the consequences are life-threatening. the courage to stand up to the world will always be more of a blessing than a curse, because whatever ill may come you'll know in your heart that you did the right thing.

i think it's the same freedom that motivates heroes as the freedom that motivates (misguided) terrorists. it's the power to serve one's ideals to the very death, in an age where most people feel trapped in the industrial machine while being shown glamourous pictures of a life of excess that they can only dream of buying their way into.

that freedom isn't something anyone else can bestow - not a person, not a government. it's something we can only choose for ourselves. others can rig the game, but we can play it on our own terms. or we can change the game entirely.