Monday, July 31, 2017

sleep training

at 1.30am i got mr smear back to bed and turned in myself. then i got up to worry about firing the cleaning lady in the morning. nice.

thursday 13th:

almost an hour longer at my desk after posting, then going to bed... aaaand then up at six with everyone else, in spite of a brief attempt to sleep in a little

dropping off mr smear with a good feeling - better than the day before, that's for sure - getting a couple of things done then heading off to the gym for a brisk sudoku walk and a couple of minutes of pad work (gd made me proud). picking up a very happy mr smear, who competed at the top of his lungs with kmfdm as we drove to pick up gd, then started to fall asleep as we arrived home when we only had half an hour to go before viewing an apartment... we put him to bed and i stayed home while gd went to see the place

just falling asleep when she called with a positive review, struggling with a gap insurance claim

mr smear throwing tantrums for the rest of the day

taking mr smear to play with friends and finding help with our cleaning lady issues, rushing off to see another apartment (cramped and viewless, but nice complex), mom joining us during a quick shopping run, giving notice on our apartment, going to sleep as soon as mr smear was in bed

friday 14th:

getting most of a good night, still tired and grumpy waking up, a little harlock: space pirate before dropping mr smear off at school, rushing off to his screaming for me to get gd to her acupuncture appointment on time which turned out to be half an hour later, coming home for a brief respite before picking her up again and going to the gym, rushing out of the gym to pick up mr smear, run to the chinese store, scarf down toast with avo and rush off to my massage appointment.

a good massage and a positive inversion experience, returning home and hurriedly grabbing and dressing mr smear and rushing out to the park (i felt like i should have had a siren on the car) shouting and singing at mr smear to keep him from falling asleep

a pleasant half hour or so, then coming back home to dress and hand mr smear off to my mom and rush off to the temple - i'd thought we had a half hour more than we did - for a service that wasn't very inspiring but piqued my interest on a number of topics

dinner with mom and mr tantrum, getting him to bed (the struggle was real) and saying goodnight to my mom before settling in to american gods and chocolate and chai and falling fast asleep

saturday 15th:

a couple of times up but generally sleeping well and getting up at 8am of my own volition

hunter x hunter and delicious pancakes, seeing an apartment, sorting out a prescription and awkwardly navigating a pharmacist who didn't seem to understand me, heading straight down to the car to meet a mechanic and realizing - while he had the door lock mechanism in his hands - that we were late for the showing of peter pan at canal walk...

... arriving half an hour late but mr smear thoroughly enjoying what remained, meeting a bunch of other parents and discovering that mr smear's new best friend's father is an old buddy of dirk diggler's, a mall train ride and the excitement of sitting in a stationary car at the games arcade, chinese for lunch and a proper tantrum leaving the mall

mr smear went from screaming to sleeping in a minute, but we woke him putting him into bed and that was the end of any napping :(

hunter x hunter on a miserable afternoon, at least gd got him to eat a lot before bedtime but unfortunately that didn't prevent him from demanding feeds throughout the night

the disappointing season finale of american gods - the last few episodes really weren't as awesome as the first few - before turning in early, exhausted

sunday 16th:

a long, tedious night followed by a long, tedious morning; a quick mission to baby city and the plastic store before lunch, lunch, a long coffee with an uncooperative mr smear and an old friend (born the same minute), then waiting for my mom (was the friendly "grandmother" by the elevators flirting with me?!), visiting my great aunt and taking a pleasant walk (thoroughly enjoying the vegan ice cream at mojo market)

home, hunter x hunter and bedtime, finishing hidden figures (wow! wonderful film) and then working on my graphic novel landing page - finally happy enough with it to focus on other aspects

monday 17th:

going to bed around 3am after an hour or so risking a repetitive stress injury scraping all the family pictures i've posted to instagram so we can try to make a physical album

... aaand up at 7am...

a busy morning, learning that our cleaning lady's really sick on the same day we planned on giving her notice, dropping off gd at the acupuncturist and taking mr smear for a meander around mojo market, inadvertently joining a visiting group of teen rugby players for breakfast and giving beet box another opportunity to show me that i shouldn't buy their shakes...

a doctor's visit to assure gd that she's in good health, mr smear napping and me following suit, interviewing a nanny and dragging him out of bed for his portion of the interview: all of us very satisfied

doing various things while waiting for an onboarding meeting that wasn't going to take place for a while, including chatting with our apartment's property manager who appears to be on our side but with her hands tied by idiot landlord man and a secretive body corporate

a last-chance walk to the pharmacy to fill out a prescription for meds we'd run out of, a short time with my mom, showering mr smear (this screaming thing is nuts, i don't know if something's hurting him or not but if it is it doesn't make any sense)

work, long meeting, a little more work, bed

tuesday 18th:

another sleepless night, up at 6am to work for a couple of hours before starting mr smear's day with hunter x hunter and breakfast then leaving for the dentist; these hour-long appointments are consistently taking an hour and a half...

home for lunch, stressing over the nanny not communicating and certain we made a mistake in cancelling the second nanny's interview, responding really badly to the stress

taking mr smear out for some exercise on the promenade, two tantrums and feeling on the verge of a breakdown making me feel sure we're not ready for another kid... gd reassuring me when we got home, throwing myself into work while she entertained him until he finally passed out at 4pm

most of a work call uninterrupted, then a mix of business and dinner and minding mr smear until shower time... discovering that the reason for his cries the previous evenings were that the water wasn't hot enough!

mr smear singing along to my extension of "row, row, row your boat", after calling out "BOOK... OF THE DEAD" the previous night when we got to the necronomicon in c is for cthulu the night before: super proud dad ^_^

an episode of vikings (pretty cool) and both of us going to bed early

wednesday 19th:

mr smear only waking up at 4am the first time, getting up and spending a couple of hours trying to get a newly spun up azure virtual machine to download software (wtf?!), then going back to bed and being able to sleep in once the nanny arrived

waking up around 8.30am and working straight through to 1pm, minor interruptions by mr smear but mostly focused and getting a complicated puzzle piece completed

resting, dr who, cranial nerve pressure and dancing in the aquarium

feeding ourselves rice like grownups, and helping to pick it up off the floor like grownups, grain by grain

granny visit and a beer, trying to shower in accordance with the updated water restrictions, a smooth goodnight, most of another episode of vikings and an hour and a half meeting cut by cries from mr smear's room

thursday 20th:

awesomenauts, class diagrams, 2.15am to bed, 7am to rise, not feeling healthy or wealthy or wise

yokai, hunter x hunter, pancakes and coffee, gd's insanely delicious vegan cupcakes, coffee at bootleggers with an old friend who returned my mega memory cassette tapes that he'd borrowed when we were fifteen

back to square one with the nannies, primi piatti for the kids area and a good lunch, back home for an interview but the nanny got lost and meeting her began just as i had to get on an important phone call with a new hire; he would have had trouble understanding us even without the background noise, and i wasn't prepared, in addition to being thoroughly tired

mr smear breastfed to sleep but beyond a power nap not being able to take advantage because my feet began to hurt, desperate munchies (the last cupcake included), a little work before mr smear woke up

diapers off, a couple of attempts on the potty but mostly just peeing on me; goat simulator may not be good for children (or anyone), but it entertained us all nonetheless. struggling to get him to eat dinner, not struggling with the shower or toothbrushing for the first time in days

vikings, an illuminating chat with a coworker and bed

friday 21st:

a couple of rough wakeups during the night, one really upsetting but i think i handled it well

feeling much better in the morning, mr smear loving yokai and breakfast, a visit to the baby centre for weaning counseling and a vaccine, pleasantly surprised to hear that i've had the right idea all along

hitting the gym, then home for lunch and hunter x hunter, going down for a nap with mr smear and waking up to mr smear with a swollen sore leg and a nightmare fight with gd; a sour prescription pickup and promenade walk, my mom coming over for a short while and then dinner and bedtime and work

saturday 22nd:

going to bed just before 5am after a night of solid work, some awesomenauts and a bit of ftl

a couple of minor wakeups but mostly resting for five or six hours, getting out of bed to find the nanny had taken mr smear out for a couple of hours and enjoying an easy breakfast and coffee

sailor arriving for lunch with his girlfriend, everyone getting along famously, gd slicing her hand instead of the avocado, a great afternoon with mr smear receiving attention and affection from all sides, eventually saying goodbye and meeting up with my mom for a dusk walk, dinner and mr smear "wasting" gd's ramen, showering with fun music

my son and i rocking out together to enter sandman while drying him off was a lot of fun, minor moaning about going to bed, game of thrones season 7 starting strong, work and gaming (texas hold'em, puzzle agent and awesomenauts)

sunday 23rd:

until 1.30am

a 3am tantrum followed by a brief pause followed by a really big one, another break at 3.30 and finally back to bed just after 4

up at 9am! hunter x hunter and breakfast, followed by a great gym session when it was warm enough outside to use the grid; running fast and comfortably with motivation for the first time in a very long time, feeling really good and heading home for a shower and lunch; mr smear napping and us taking full advantage, waking up a little before him completely - but comfortably - exhausted

col'cacchio's for dinner, another two little playmates there keeping each other (and me) very busy, good food, generally good service except for the manager making us wait because his loyalty system wasn't working, quickly shopping - or waiting for gd to shop - "no row row row", "no tar", "no la la la"

the sudden, surprising and deeply unpleasant sciatica on my left side, home for a fast-tracked bedtime and my mom coming over to pick up gd and let me handle mr smear for the night; showing him around the empty apartment for his 10pm attempt to second-breastfeed before bed seeming to work

finally watching what the health in its entirety and being thoroughly impressed

monday 24th:

"self care" (gaming) until 1am

3.30-4am minor heartbreak, initially holding him but eventually getting him to lie down and moan himself back to sleep; for the next hour or so i couldn't sleep so i set about investigating why my computer wasn't sleeping

the loud banging on the front door at 7am scaring the bejeesus out of me (i'd accidentally locked gd out), taking a little while for my heart to slow down and then sleeping another hour before being dragged out of bed to drag mr smear out of bed

rushing through bad traffic to drop gd off, home for a short while then picking her up again, both of us exhausted (did we pick up a bug?), mr smear going down for a nap around lunchtime just as the building renovations commenced with non-stop jackhammer work that lasted until a few minutes after he woke up 2.5 hours later (grateful for that, i napped most of that myself) (they then fired up again a short while later)

key cutting, a pharmacy run and a home playdate with a post-tonsillectomy child out of commission and his little brother showing mr smear he wasn't welcome (child politics), a cold walk back to the grocery store, a big little shopping run and then dinner, shower and clean-mom's-laptop time before the last breastfeed of the day and saying goodnight to everyone

slowly building steam with my work, a couple of breaks for awesomenauts and texas hold'em

tuesday 25th:

all quiet until 2am, then an hour with mr smear that taught me a couple of lessons... in my desperation to get him back to bed i tried a number of things, and weirdly enough timeouts had the most impact. also, i need to minimize comforting him myself when his first choice comfort isn't around.

finally crashing at 4am, exhausted before the night began and having a busy morning ahead of me

up at 7am for an unpleasant misunderstanding, dragging mr smear out of bed for his first feed, the new nanny's arrival, missed breakfast and rushed coffee and dropping off mr smear and returning home to pick up his lunch and return to the school to drop off the lunch and drive to the car rental agency in the pouring rain with dangerously stupid drivers and pedestrians all around

starting the long earth while i waited
glove compartment contents for breakfast
pancakes, coffee and a month's worth of recruiters to politely decline
picking up a jovial mr smear, getting through lunch (keeping mr smear off the nanny so she could eat hers), eventually getting a bit of a nap before rls kicked in

electricity bill fiasco
enjoying books with mr smear
dinner and shower
mr smear singing along to "yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck!" was AWESOME
driving the family to my mom's, hanging around while gd breastfed him goodnight, taking him home and getting him down in ten minutes by employing my new strategy (long may it last)

zombie state along with my pc (mistakenly locked myself in to a backup procedure that took hours longer than expected), going to bed and

wednesday 26th:

waking up with mr smear at 7am (O_o) (!!!)

hunter x hunter and mr smear singing along in japanese, crazy drivers, school drop off, work (and work environment annoyances), migrating git changes by hand, picking up mr smear late after getting stuck in fire traffic: his teacher is as excited as we are that he's now talking non-stop

no napping, harmonica and lunch and and eventually taking him to the park in desperation, a long chat with a neighbour, ruffians at the park, mr smear and the sandcastles (and figuring out what the little shovel is for), home for a chat with another recruiter followed by a dev meeting followed by investigating issues with my first project, gd letting mr smear crash at 6pm (living dangerously) while i did some quick grocery shopping, mom's brief visit and shadowslight coming over, gd and my mom leaving soon after i got mr smear to sleep and enjoying an interesting and wide-ranging conversation with shadowslight until almost 11pm

thursday 27th:

crashing at 1am
brief waking at 2am (no threats needed!)
up at 7am, dr horrible's sing-along blog and mr smear mimicking the foot stomping from it's a brand new day while singing "die!", dropping him off at school and coming home to stare glumly at unreadable legacy code while considering shadowslight's enticing pitch to work for him

lying down for twenty minutes before going out for another showdown with telkom, helpful dude agreeing that i've been overpaying

picking up mr smear, a short stop at home then heading to town to hunt down the south african visa authorities: first barrack street, then the absa building (i was shocked to find empty vfs offices with no bell, security was shocked to see me exit when they hadn't seen me go in), waiting my turn to find out that i'd moved on to the wrong building, finding the right building and struggling to navigate the entrance (security pointed to a locked turnstile, i was supposed to guess that the panel next to it was unlocked), the lifts (they claimed the floor i was entering was invalid, turns out there're two sets of lifts), and then being instructed in no uncertain terms that the waiting room was sitting only (i thought the security guard was going to put me in the naughty corner for offering to stand)

a helpful man, leaving via the wrong door (seriously?! it led to the same place as the right door!), another recruiter call (holy crap there're a lot of the buggers), home, the nanny bringing in a sleeping mr smear, a short break interrupted by another recruiter (what is it with these people?!) and mr smear waking up sooner than anticipated, a pharmacy run, gd's chiropractor appointment, another pharmacy stop then finally home
standard bedtime and falling asleep during the ghostbusters reboot

friday 28th:

another night sleeping, only i kept waking up every time mr smear talked in his sleep
mr smear not sick, but not well enough for school
the ghostbusters remake is awesome, clever and silly and lots of fun
running mr smear out in the park
lunch with my mom at her work and buying great book gifts
rushing home with gd annoyed by the challenge of finding baby changing stations
getting some work done
friday night service (52 weeks of annoying singing to go, but good sermon)
forgotten dinner
the case of the missing antibiotics: the horror of learning that mr smear had stolen them and the gratitude for gd finding them unused and in the trash
dinner, shower, bedtime, texas hold'em, work meeting, awesomenauts, work

saturday 29th:

until 1am

a couple of minor wakeups and a little bit of threatening timeouts followed by another night of keeping me on alert

up early, mr smear refusing breakfast, a big birthday bash, short nap time struggling to play ghost in the shell, giving up just as mr smear woke up, skipping a birthday party because we thought he was sick, but then it turned out he wasn't, a walk to the blue train, a ride and playing until the sunset cooled and it got chilly, dropping by my mom's, all of us going to our place for great chinese from downstairs and discovering that for a year we've been living above a really good restaurant

quick bedtime prep followed by a very unpleasant good night, a good hour of tension, a little ghost in the shell and passing out exhausted and uneasy

sunday 30th:

2am nightmare ("why, mommy?!"), 5am giving up (breastfeeding), early up for motorstorm: apocalypse, some work, and trying to sort out outlook for my mom (why do all of microsoft's products have to suck?)

a very pleasant birthday party on a really hot and sunny day, coming home for a bit of a struggle (diapers off, fending off mr smear from my food - which wasn't as good as his)

nap, waking up to draw cash for the nanny, an episode of limitless, work, taking mr smear for a walk and enjoying a very nice evening with friends (a repeat of the previous evening's chinese takeout)

shower, relatively easy bedtime, battlestar galactica, finishing ghost in the shell (not the same story as the original, but very good in its own right)

very frustrating rls and a little more work before bed

monday 31st:

1.30am up, gd preparing a bottle of formula: one taste, handing it back with a "please" and going back to sleep... well, everyone else, anyway.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

food relationships

if you could taste the most delicious thing in the whole world, knowing that it would never be enough and you could never be satisfied by just the taste, would you do it? what if you knew it would make you feel bad afterwards?

if you could eat something thoroughly satisfying that tastes good, although perhaps not amazing, would you eat it? what if you knew it would make you feel good afterwards?

i feel like a lot of our relationships to food could be explained by our answers to these questions.

Thursday, July 13, 2017


i have a six-item list of instructions to get my head out of my ass, and i have them in front of me. one item that's not on the list but that appears to be a result of making and using the list is "be present", a little bit of an attitude adjustment is actually taking the edge off the really scary shit and letting me do what needs to be done. i haven't been "now" in two years, it's rather refreshing.

tuesday 11th:

a much improved night having understood that sleeping on my back with our current "orthopedic" "memory foam" pillows is worse than on my side, up a few times with stuffy noses (mr smear too) but generally feeling better in the morning

an improved morning attitude on my part, dropping mr smear off and picking up my new iphone protector (redpepper, it's actually way better than the lifeproof in most ways!) and then coming home to heavy construction noise

apartment hunting, contacting the israeli consulate and receiving unwelcome instructions, picking up mr smear and heading to the gym

new headphones packed into their box with such optimization that you can never put them away again, just enough time for a jog and a shower before racing off to the dentist

almost two hours for an hour long appointment because mr smear pooped and lost his turn, by the time the dentist was ready to see him again he'd had enough, rendering the entire hour pointlessly exhausting

home, then heading out from a fight to see an apartment and the agent turned out to be the mother of the kid whose party we crashed a while back, the place wasn't the best fit for us and an awkward moment was had later when another agent with a property in the same block took my number

a mostly pleasant evening, an efficient bedtime, leftovers and an episode of bojack horseman (not bad, not amazing either), and falling asleep not long into netflix's castlevania (stunning)

wednesday 12th:

up about five times due to weaning failure, angrily giving up on sleeping and starting the day with a puppy documentary which was great until the parts about circus training (fuckers) and the dog bakery (that shit's so offensive i don't even know where to begin, there are people and animals starving ffs)

i dropped mr smear off - he bawled pitifully and i waited a few minutes to get the all-clear before leaving - then spent the following three hours actually getting stuff done. gd and i hunted for our old memory foam pillows, extending the search and finding them in my mom's storage, picked up fluoride tablets and then went to the school to find mr smear playing adorably with his new best friend; it took us a while to cajole and coerce the two before we could get them out of the sandpit and home for a nap

going down, but not without a fight

getting more stuff done, resting a bit, waking painfully from deep sleep to a stressful rush to ready an irritated mr smear for photographs at a talent agency

a very welcoming experience, followed by a quick visit to the cool clothing store next to the building i grew up in, paying the parking attendant before checking out a boardgame cafe before heading home for a not-unpleasant evening

beginning hidden figures, playing a little tekken, strategizing for a personal project

thursday 13th:

an hour and a half of clearing my desk and prioritizing and organizing, including posting this and going to bed.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

in sickness and...

after four days out of action, i've just taken a week's sick leave in order to sort out my life and my priorities. for years i've primarily been reacting instead of acting, and managing my affairs in a haphazard and reckless manner. four four days i've been sick and in pain, and now that i'm starting to come right i'm also starting to see a pattern that suggests that while i may have been hit by the flu, i may well just have been hit by a nerve issue similar to the one i suffered in april. if that's the case i'm in big trouble and something has to change.

as i just told protoplasm, i believe what i need - could i afford it - is a year of shutting myself away and getting all the shit in my head out into code or on paper. but i can't afford it, and it's gotta come out.

monday 26th:

working until 3am for the first time in a while

a couple of wakings during the night but easy for the first time in a week

starting the day with my first coffee in a couple of days and getting some work done, then a big mission to see a pulmonary specialist: i wish we'd been referred a year ago, it turns out that we've been handling mr smear's asthma and allergies all wrong the entire time. AND that the last week's trauma has been the flu, which is why the meds weren't really making a difference; apparently it's a particularly difficult flu to diagnose.

dropping mr smear at home and taking gd to the chiropractor, then back home and arranging for gd's friend to ship our stuff from montréal

nap time, everyone waking up around 6.30pm, dinner and shower time and playtime and bedtime and throw-up-again time

cleanup and bedtime and glow and hating the canada post website

tuesday 27th:

working until 4am, then getting into bed and spending an hour or two anxiously fretting over something that the paediatrician asked about mr smear that i don't think anyone has mentioned to us before - or that we clean forgot - and that should have been taken care of a year and a half ago

mr smear waking up unhappily, by the time he finally calmed down my hip was hurting so badly that there was no chance of me getting any rest

not the best morning, but gd's pancakes and coffee helped. a little reassurance about my earlier concerns, then some great news from my mom (got a call to work for the first time in a year)

a not-unpleasant meeting at the gym to explain why we won't be renewing our contract, then a pleasant while playing in the park before coming home to eat and nap

being woken by a call from a forex broker, gd's conversion programme acceptance, taking mr smear to the hardware store and the chinese store, then doing a big grocery shopping before dinner and a celebratory drink with my mom

SxS's big news!

mr smear beginning to copy new words immediately and unprompted

bedtime, glow, work

wednesday 28th:

working until just before 2am, about half an hour of hacknet, bed

mr smear starting the day early by pointing and crying in random directions, trying (and failing) to find something to watch to grab his attention and keep him near his breakfast, dropping him off at school and coming back home to a bad attempt at turning off my anxiety

work, picking up mr smear, a sudden and violent squishy ejection (squishy is a baby food product) while reading to him on the couch, the setup for a fight, hacknet and work, taking an unhappy mr smear to the park for a cold sunset

work, bathtime, dinner and glow (omg it's so incredibly awful it's brilliant!), awkwardly accepting my brother's dinner invitation, then working through

thursday 29th:

until 3am, minus a brief evaluation of my credit card charges that led me to understand that my bank's been stealing from me for quite a few months now

sophisticated weird dreams, my alarm pulling me out of a parking lot jam we'd been patiently driving out off with great trance music in the car

a serious spasm and nerve pinch in my neck / upper back

dropping mr smear off at school, working, gd trying to fix me before we finally got to the gym; a gentle treadmill jog and some bag work with a trainer who's preparing for a december fight (i probably shouldn't have asked if he was a beginner, but aside from bad form he was smashing the bag with his wedding ring on), then rushing off to pick up mr smear

shopping, lunch, and mr smear refusing to nap when i desperately needed it... of course as soon as we headed off to the waterfront he passed out, after i'd caffeined up with zang

a miserable mall mission with gd and me pressing each other's buttons while hunting basic kids' winter gear and finding nothing, then driving to the chiropractor, then coming home

signing papers for my mom, getting mr smear ready for bed, pulling him out of bed for a last feed and then dealing with a vomit volcano (as horrifying as it sounds)

ordering a credit card with half the interest (those bastards for conning me into the old one), gd's friend sorting out the shipment that i messed up, juggling finances and crashing early to have enough energy to work during the night

friday 30th:

one of those painful nights when sleeping is worse than not sleeping, up and hurting at 4.30am

gd treating me a little, enough to be able to work, and climbing back into bed exhausted just as my alarm went off; pokemon and cashew yoghurt, tantrums on the way out but arriving happily at the school

caustic soda and reading wired at the gym (now that my subscription's run out, i'm finally starting to get through my two year backlog), leaving to pick up mr smear in the pouring rain we were unprepared for

lunchtime not naptime before heading out to the paediatrician in the rain: a pleasant examination, thoroughly relieving my anxiety (yay! we haven't screwed up our son yet!), and mr smear's first blood test which wasn't easy but he was very brave and chilled out almost as soon as it was over

getting through the afternoon, including a walk to the pharmacy with headphones and my own playlist which i haven't done in forever, struggling with my neck and an IT problem at work

an awkward but not unpleasant dinner with my brother and a lot of people, coming home with an exhausted mr smear and watching the season finale of glow but passing out just before the end

saturday 1st:

another tough night for my neck, really struggling in the morning; dropping gd off at the gym and taking mr smear to the park, not finding our playdate because she was at the wrong park, the mother on the seesaw weighing much more than me, the big kids' slides and aggressive little buggers

taking gd to the chinese store, mr smear falling asleep soundly until i bumped his head putting him back in the car and ending any chances of him napping, battlestar galactica and gd's unsuccessful first miso / ramen / fungi experiment and hours becoming wearier while mr smear became more bored and wired, eventually mom visiting for a couple of hours, a long story getting mr smear to eat but winning eventually, then shower and bedtime and taking a moment to be grateful for the end of a very tiring day

finishing night of the jabberwock having thoroughly enjoyed it

chris d'elia - man on fire, hacknet and going to bed feeling much better

sunday 2nd:

a decent rest and a still-sore but not as bad neck, breakfast with octopuses (most intelligent animal on earth), a mission to the sea point street merchants who weren't there, gym with granny (good jump rope, kicking the bag and walking until i solved sudoku), shitty macha latte and a broken new book, then driving to canal walk

i love humanity, i love people, but nothing brings out my inner misanthrope like a crowded mall

mr smear waking up just as we finished lunch, going back to sea point for grocery shopping then returning home to find that someone had defecated in the stairwell

adventure time and hummus before putting mr smear to bed: mr smear's kisses make up for a lot

a little chris d'elia, a little horror, then a good amount of work

monday 3rd:

and restarting hacknet because following the first mission "correctly" makes a later one nigh-impossible

bed by 2.30, up by 7.30, mr smear happily eating his breakfast to vitalic's poison lips, first day of holiday school, gd's haircut (excuse to read wired), gym (some more reading, running and sudoku, a little jump rope and bag work), picking up mr smear in our "active wear", showering and napping while the cleaning lady watched him, watching him during vacuuming, then heading out to the massage therapist

an hour of painful but excellent massage, coming home to mr smear late napping, trying multiple books and howl's moving castle, gd making crazy good sandwiches, mr smear's inexplicable discomfort in the shower (days later and i'm pretty confident he's just messing with me), a difficult time getting him to bed and all of us passing out until midnight

tuesday 4th:

--- our second anniversary! ---

a tough night, up quite a few times, unable to get comfortable with my pillow, the heavy return of sciatica to compensate for the relaxation, and nightmares

up at 5am to work, down at 7am for a power nap, howl's moving castle, dropping off mr smear and coming home to a solid work session

lying down for a bit then going to the gym, another drink that tasted like a barn, reading the first heretic for a bit then picking up mr smear

school hide and seek with the parents losing, needing to swipe wet wipes to change mr smear before picking up gd and going grocery shopping and the "sensitive" ones causing a rash

running into a few people, one of whom gave mr smear milk chocolate without asking first and causing panic (we had allergex in his ready bag, which we very fortunately had with us)

long shopping and everyone tired out by the time we arrived home (nap time!), a busy but generally pleasant evening with howl's moving castle, a touch-and-go bedtime with mr smear taking about an hour to actually fall asleep once he'd been tucked into bed, beginning synchronicity, finishing hacknet and working well

wednesday 5th:

until 3am, sleeping relatively well until 7am and waking up still with a sore neck but much improved

gd's pancakes for breakfast (the usual, and so good!), dropping off mr smear, passing out for an hour or two trying to watch extraordinary: the stan romanek story, waking up to my first coffee (cold) and another round of pancakes (i've lost enough weight that my wedding ring's slipping again) and finally knocking items off my todo list that could easily have been taken care of months ago (that's burnout for you)

picking up mr smear, his insistence on walking me through the primary school, meeting his new friend by the big tree (the two of them walking hand in hand as we left was too cute), potential napping interrupted by a sneeze and a case of the giggles

giving the gym crèche another chance and enjoying a good workout, rushing home to receive something and an hour or two struggling with a tired-wired and naughty little boy; mom swinging by and giving us a bit of a break, chugging a coffee and showering and putting mr smear to bed

a long dev meeting fiddling with ms teams tools, installing vs2017 and checking out octodad (disorienting, but fun), fact checking plant agriculture vs animal water usage because ignorant people have such strong opinions

thursday 6th:

bedtime around 1am... err, 2am and blurry eyed after an installation crash

sleeping soundly but too little, waking up to another crash (vs2017 ftw), a mixed morning with good breakfast followed by inexplicable tantrums, dropping mr smear off with his regular teacher on the way to the holiday class, walking to my mom's to pick up my new credit card (that was fast!), then about to get into work when the fridge repairman arrived to explain how our fridge is fine but we've been fridging wrong

pancakes and tiredness

picking up mr smear, dropping him off at the gym crèche, reading wired and enjoying a turmeric and lentil curry, an impromptu coffee with my cousin who i've been trying to catch for a while

a short nap before the therapist arrived, a good session ending on a sad note, mr smear waking up a little later, a not unpleasant evening and joined by my mom, putting mr smear to bed and realizing just how insanely tired i was

very suddenly feeling thoroughly sick, convinced that it was nervous (then i'd forget that i'd thought that it was nervous, and now i think it was nervous again)

friday 7th:

up just after midnight to purge dinner and undo a day or two's worth of healing in my neck, an hour later suspecting food poisoning

you know you're sick when... in a dream i couldn't recall what year it was, someone eventually said "1925" and i believed them

up and hurling a couple more times, feeling worse as the night wore on; not sure how i managed to get up and drive to the school the first time (i almost passed out from the smell of mr smear's diaper after he'd shoved a hand in there - i'm very glad that he was as horrified by the result as we were), but the second time was all thanks to a combination of panado and zofar

taking gd and mr smear to the gym, trying to rest in the car, walking inside and from the moment mr smear saw me enter being forced to hold him until we left

gd giving me some time to rest before going shopping, mr smear fully energized, the rush to prepare everyone for their first synagogue experience and its predictable unpleasantness (the rush, not the synagogue)

enjoying a surprisingly good warhammer story in the first heretic, receiving a fascinatingly good report of gd and mr smear's first temple experience

gd's burgers and a highly active mr smear, reading a physical local community newspaper before bed

saturday 8th:

up and struggling at 1am, a long night and waking up stiff and sore all over, spirited away and breakfast and coffee

upset over misunderstanding over satellite clusters on an astronomy app

a gym mission, a park mission, a nap, an exhausting afternoon with a two year-old who repeatedly hurt us, mom's visit, assisting my coworker with git, mr smear getting wilder as the evening wore on, eventually putting him to bed quite late

a little more synchronicity before passing out

sunday 9th:

gd and i both up around 3am, i was sore and uncomfortable and struggled until mr smear woke up unhappy, at which point i compressed my discomfort into half my usual space so that he could lie between us; he woke up at 7am, i read to him a little before putting on alice in wonderland and trying to rest on the couch... that ended with being smashed in the face with lego to inform me that he needed breakfast...

survival mode until my mom arrived to take gd and mr smear out while i stayed home and watched stuff i can't normally watch (a hard-hitting episode of vice on meat and water, and the big fat truth)

lying down for a bit, then rejoining gd in the never-ending game of whac-a-mole that is a two year-old, eventually taking meds so we could take him to the aquarium; he had a great time with a bunch of other wound-up kids, then joined us relatively calmly for dinner at col'cacchio's which was really nice. getting some shopping done, mr smear dashing our dreams of him falling asleep before we got home by thoroughly soaking himself with a water bottle, picking up something from my mom, coming home and speeding through the bedtime ritual

milestone for the day: my son has just learned the word "sorry". he uses it just before he does something he needs to be sorry for.

finally watching the sixth episode of american gods, which was awesome, but would've been better with subtitles.

monday 10th:

another long night, though not as rough, really weird dreams including being late for our second wedding in a town with a sci-fi convention and staying in a hotel with revolting barracks toilets; buying a street dog with an app and then being approached by another that was somehow still walking around though it had been sliced in half from nose to tail with its organs (halved) showing but in place, thinking mr smear's stroller had gone down a hill and ending up in a mansion i'd played in regularly as a child; becoming emotional but annoying the new owners, noticing that we all had the same paediatrician

a challenging morning with my head spinning and my lips tingling and unnecessary tension in the house, dropping off mr smear and coming home to an hour or so of sleep, breakfast and coffee and dropping gd off at the acupuncturist

quick finances, rushing past my mom's to pick up something that mysteriously wasn't there, rushing to pick up gd, arriving late and waiting for a few minutes; picking up mr smear and driving straight through the gym

mr smear heartbroken when the little girl left, nap time and meditation time (with gd's help), taking steps towards my south african tax review, clearing a couple of todo items, putting in a request for a burnout-prevention week, mostly enjoying the evening (or at least, enjoying it more than usual) and receiving a visit from protoplasm which ran quite late by our standards... after which we watched betting on zero which is a great documentary about a brilliant form of activism, albeit not particularly well-executed.

tuesday 11th:

holy crap it's almost 2am wtf.

Sunday, July 02, 2017


1. i think one of the biggest problems in modern society is that we equate success with job security. instead of working to make our jobs redundant so we can move on to the next thing, we've been trained to perform the same tedious, repetitive tasks and are left worrying about foreigners and robots "stealing our jobs". i know not everyone is able, but i'm talking about general societal values not personal capabilities.


the "job market" is premised on jobs being things with inherent value that can be filled and traded. "success" shouldn't be based on your performance doing a specific job, or being an expert, etc.

"success" should be measured by how well one applies one's skills to serving society. when you're doing something that serves society, society will be willing to pay for it.

2. it's human nature to presume guilt until innocence is proven, because it's a good short-term safety precaution even though we know that for a society it presents long term dangers. the same goes for how we treat animals: we presume they're soulless, consumable objects until they're proven to be intelligent. this is why so many people are up in arms about dog festivals and whaling, but are happy to eat pigs and octopuses who are far more intelligent and demonstrate emotional ranges comparable to humans.

this observation brought to you by octopus - most intelligent animal on earth