Wednesday, August 31, 2005

my feet!

why do they hurt! i haven't felt so much relief removing blades in AGES. more than four hours on them, and my legs and feet are really in pain.

i thoroughly enjoyed myself though. spent a long time catching up with an old friend, and chatting to a captain who's stationed in the same prefab as us - she was kind enough to give me a ride home, too, which certainly helped.

gonna shave, shower, and crash - and then i'm sure it'll be a struggle to get into uniform all bright and fucking early in the morning.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

and then i DID work

a lot. with many episodes of that 70's show in the background. i made some interesting discoveries, and hit various snags, but by 8pm it was all over. the university's video library is almost complete, and all the MAJOR bugs are out.

and my apartment is all shiny again.

i spoke to my other soldier, who's off sick, just to make sure he and his sister (suffering from appendicitus) are okay. ended up giving relationship advice (hee hee), and receiving an offer to date his sisters (aged 22 and 23). neat :)

i'm at the dog's, stopped off for coffee and grandma is FORCING me to eat dinner too (oh, no!), and i've been updated about the things i've missed in the army the last few days. tomorrow will most assuredly be interesting. and i'm going to have to shave off my muttonchops, which sucks piles.

in a bit going off to blade, and i'm actually quite amped.

time passes...

i haven't actually done any work yet... i'm finishing cleaning my apartment first. i've actually gotten around to it.

WOW. s'been a while.

i shaved today. not completely - i have a wossname - muttonchops. looks sharp and shiny. pity nobody will see it. i discovered a particularly nasty ingrown hair along the way, and spent about fifteen minutes surgically removing it with a needle and tweezers. i actually got down to that nasty gore level, painfully ripping soft tissue before finally getting the damn thing.

and the most disappointing part is that it was so damn TINY. like 5mm across.

wow. that's, like, the deepest post yet. speaking of deep, i've been thinking of getting together with the mongoose and doing a comic that chronicles our lives in the army.

better morning

sometimes being manic depressive is good. played cs to sleep this morning, and sleep well (for a change). i've been arbing online for an hour or two, some more cs (an AWESOME, small, kill-everything-that-moves map), and am now gearing up to clean up my apartment and do some more work.

our commander's back, the dog called me up so we could have a laugh at his expense. i think i did okay at my job ^_^

woooooo! :)

did some work earlier, found out JUST how bad the previous programmer is. when i told my boss what he'd done, we both laughed hysterically for a while. unfortunately, he's done something REALLY weird with a piece i have to correct, and i can't for the life of me figure out how.

so i'll figure it out in the morning.

i met up with the dog to play pool (some taekwondo practice while waiting for the bus didn't hurt, neither), and had too much to drink. only half a litre, but i think it's more my state of mind than the alcohol level. and the girls, as usual, were simply stunning.

i played REALLY well, the dog played like shit, so he spent a large part of the evening walking around the table with his pants around his ankles. t'was amusing.

he then stuck me with the bill at the end, the evil c*nt, so he's gonna have to pay me back on wednesday. he NEVER brings enough cash.

i just got back home, and now i have to go out again to buy water. and i'm TOASTED.

Monday, August 29, 2005

shaky, shaky but in a good way this time

amazing how good an incentive a couple of thousand shekels can be - i finally got around to making the fixes on our video library project, and it didn't take too long. man, the guy who's code i'm correcting sucked the BIG one.

i woke up fairly late, i'm attributing my early morning distress to a sudden bout of inner-quiet. too quiet, kind of. i've just switched into a mode of "don't care".

i did some shopping. jesus, was it hot outside. but i only had to pay 6 shekels for 120 sheks' worth of goods. my kitchen almost looks like there's something to eat.

now that i'm done, gonna stand on the balcony and watch the beautiful sunset with a smoke in my mouth, and black sabbath on the tv.


or not. more work just came in.


and i can't sleep. i have this terrible feeling that all is not well, and everything is ultra-quiet. fscking scary. and that i can't sleep is driving me crazy in and of itself.

more evening

firstly, limewire stinks. i've been downloading a file for days, now it's been jumping back and forth between 97 and 99%. when it finally downloaded the damn thing, i then restarted download from about 96%. now it's jumping back and forth again.

i've spent the entire evening online, chatting, and discovering the pinkybrain has the same problem i do relationship-wise. *suffers*

and penny arcade's site is experiencing technical difficulty, and so i can't continue reading through their archives. inconsiderate bastards. i find it amusing that i agree with so many of their cartoons.

oh, and i went to draw money to buy smokes. walked with my shirt off (it IS horribly summery), and drew some funny looks. whatever.

and i've been seriously feeling my slipped disc today.

and my beard has reached phase: itchy. kills me, and i'm going to have to shave it off on wednesday ANYWAY, but i still like it. my commander made a comment about it not suiting me this afternoon, so i asked him in front of everyone if he wants to sleep with me. he left me alone about it after that.

still waiting for the download. ah sod it, i'm just gonna pause it and play counterstrike instead.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

a testimony...

to my state of mind that i didn't even blog yesterday. i was woken up to work, and fell asleep with the testing still going on. watched movies, played tekken, and took a break for counterstrike, but none of that could take my mind off my current situation. suckuation, more like.

i woke up by multiple alarms and phone calls this morning, and then went off to our base to say goodbye to one of the few people i really like there. i prepared a speech on the way - t'was a good speech, but there were so many people i got stage-fright and actually shook while speaking.

i had a long talk with our section commander, explained to him how i'm feeling. he was surprisingly understanding. he also made a comment about me as a commander, and that he noticed that not only did i do a good job, but that i enjoyed it too. maybe that'll help somehow.

i then had a fight with an idiot in our section when he tried to override a command i gave to my soldiers. he had the audacity to say things like "don't try to teach me about the army", and the gall to assume things about me personally. almost drove me to physically injuring the suckwad, but then our commander jumped in and gave him hell for even thinking about arguing with me.
i must admit, it sucked that he jumped in, but his response was quite satisfying. the moron ended up humiliated.

of course, i acted all cool, and treated him kindly afterwards. even though i don't give two shits about the creep.

spent the rest of the afternoon talking to people on base, then went with the mongoose and a friend of his to a comic convention - it sucked. badly.

i just had a toasted-sandwich supper, leaving me flat outta cash, got home, and am not entirely sure how to proceed with my evening. on the one hand, my boss gave me hell to finish a project today, on the other, i really can't be arsed and feel like fucking around then going to bed.

Friday, August 26, 2005

better? dunno.

today was a long-ass day. internet arbing, some shopping, some gaming, backuping up onto dvd (finally, although not all of it), and watching flash gordon while working.

finally worked.

got a mail around 9pm, advising me of changes to the system. surprising. worked until about 10.30pm, now going to game and arb some more before bed. testing starts early tomorrow morning. i'm praying i won't have to be alert.

oh, and SB got in touch with me. turned out the mail i sent her was to the wrong address (whoops, my bad), but also that she can't check mail anyways.

as for how i've been feeling, it's still there, but what can i do? suffer. at least it's not in silence. even if nobody cares TOO much. *whine*


i'm going to repeat what i said earlier, because now that i've had it thrown in my face i'm seriously, but SERIOUSLY on the warpath.

fucking kids. fucking - KIDS. what a sucky, sucky night.
i'm left with a bad taste in my mouth, and all i want to do right now is beat the crap out of someone / something because i HATE the situation i'm in.

in cape town, i had groups of friends to which i belonged. in israel, i have a few friends who fit the bill - right mentality, right level of maturity - but the army and life in general have separated us enough that we practically never see each other.

the friends that i do have in the army, including the dog, are too low down on the food chain to be interesting to me - young, inexperienced, and not from my "population". the differences in culture are too great.

so i find this girl, who decides that i don't fit her bill because i'm right now doing something, out of my control, that she doesn't agree with. and even if it was within my control - so what? everything else is so close it doesn't matter.

and it drives me mad that aside from the fact that i'm totally taken with her, she's my only link to the world that i live in inside my head. the world that i "grew up" in, the world that since i came here has existed only within my memories.

hido knows what i'm talking about, but hido is currently millions of miles away, stuck in the same situation, and there's little chance of us managing to correct that - either way.

i'm angry enough that i'm actually wondering about going back to south africa. JUST so i can stop being so very, very alone.

it's not that there are no people here that i like, and like me. there're plenty. but i don't feel myself. i feel restrained. and i certainly don't feel like i fit in.

catch 22: i KNOW that this is where i want to live. i KNOW that if i go back, there's nothing there for me. i KNOW that this is home, that this is where i'll become whatever i choose to become.

for the last couple of weeks i haven't been alone. i've existed outside my perpetual state of "stranger in a strange land". and now that SB's not here, if only for a month, or if she decides to break it off with me, i'm back behind a glass door which i don't want to break. it would cost me a part of myself to break it, and i'm just not willing to sacrifice.

i'll carry on. i'll keep trucking, because that's what i need to do. but this environment is pushing me to the edge of madness. and i definitely wasn't too far to begin with.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

an out-there kind of day

i spent the afternoon walking around tel aviv with the relatives from london, doing some basic sight-seeing and having a great lunch. i don't really know them too well, and sometimes i got the feeling that things were a bit strained, but in general it was all good.

aside: it was fscking hot.

i got home, played counterstrike while waiting for a meeting.

the guy came, and we've just finished after about 2.5 hours. we had lots of details to discuss, but we came to some conclusions. basically if this thing takes off, it'll be my primary job after the army. if it doesn't, i'll have learned a hell of a lot. and i made it perfectly clear that until it's off the ground, it's a project done in my spare time.

i'm also hoping he'll organize me a development machine, 'cause i don't want to do it on a desktop pc.

and we're doing it from the ground up professionally, which is really nice.

i'm about to spend an hour either working or resting, then i'm off to the lizard for a party for THE elite computer unit... some very nice girls in that unit...

speaking of which - SB. she hasn't been in touch since yesterday, and that's after she asked me to do her a favour here. strange. and i'm seriously bothered because i don't know if we exist or not. i'm going to try not to let it get to me. but i'm still going to be comparing every girl i meet to her, and i find it hard to imagine finding someone comparable anytime soon.

yeah, i know i seem to be exaggerating, but take tonight for example. girls in the army. already a serious loss of points, because they're not in a stage of their lives where they've defined themselves as human beings.
and i don't have any way / cause to be hanging around in the places where the girls i'm looking for do.
and all my friends who are of the right age don't go out very much. i'm in a very frustrating place right now.

"i've had better" (liar, liar)

i lied. i really did. i spent the entire afternoon / evening messing about online.

included: installing the jdk and learning about network games; getting in touch with all sorts of people; catching up on some reading (online comics); and a few hours of counterstrike.

with a break in the middle, somewhere, to get myself a toasted sandwich.

i got in touch with some family down from london, i'll be meeting them in tel aviv tomorrow.

i got kicked from a counterstrike server for being better than them. i'd say french bastards, but the next server i found was also french, and that one just kicked ASS. i told them what happened, and after a few rounds they were laughing with me as i did some serious damage to them too. it was fun, though, and challenging.

i got google IM back up and running, and have started organizing my music collection. oh, yeah... i watched devil's advocate. i love that film.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

hot summer's day - from hell

whew. woke up around 9.45, found out that the dog STILL hadn't arrived on base. that really pissed me off, enough to request a severe punishment for him. denied, but he's been heavily warned, and one more slip-up and he's in deep shit. it pissed me off this much because i've spoken to him multiple times about it, and he's not taking me seriously. and he had the audacity to ask me to postpone the punishment i DID give him because it would inconvenience him.

so i got to the base, in uniform on my holiday, for a long ceremony to say goodbye to the head of our wing, and to welcome the new one.

saw lots of people on base, got a bit of organizing done, and had a couple of chats with our section head. our team leader was around to - was good to see him.

i got home around 4, and i've been online talking to friends and family, and arbing online. i'll start working soon. really.

sweating like a pig

i'm really gross right now - trying to cool down so i can take a shower. i just got back from 3.5 hours of hard blading, and it was GOOOOOD exercise.

this morning i got to the base, and dove into some serious work. i crashed for an hour, then was informed by my commander that i could take a half-day off in anticipation of my previously mentioned holiday.

i was so messed up, i stayed another two hours on base just to sleep enough to be able to get home. and BOY did i sleep well.

i was reminded of a scary incident that occurred in '98, just before my finals.


i had a lucid dream one night, and at some point in the dream i was given the choice of being shot or jumping off the seventh floor balcony. normally, people wake up before landing, and it's been said that if you die in your dream, you die in real life.

i landed on my head (having dived off), and felt incredible pain and heard a loud crack before everything went dark, and i lost sense of time.

suddenly, i found myself in front of a huge screen, with dates and times flashing by in green on black. i realized in my "dream" that these were dates of importance in my life, and eventually i pointed at one. i immediately woke up, it being the exact date and time that i'd picked. also, my arms were completely numb from the shoulders down, which, considering the dream, made me panic.

i flopped around until my arms got insane pins-and-needles, and eventually went back to normal.

to this day, i still don't know how much of that experience was real.


on my way to the bus, every person i know who saw me commented on how wasted i looked, and the bus ride seemed to take forever. by the time i got home, however, i was alright, and i immediately immersed myself in work (okay, a little messing around first, and talking to my mom online about my tattoo), and accomplished rather a lot.

around 6pm sammy and the dog came over, and we played some serious tekken. we ordered chinese... which didn't come with chopsticks... and watched funny people. some of those sketches are hysterical. and we watched the whole thing - turns out i missed the cake factory sketch, which is undoubtedly the best part.

we played some more tekken, then sammy gave me a ride so i could join the blading group. and i just got home about 20 minutes ago, exhausted, smelly, and hurting.

almost ready to shower, then bedtime for me.

Monday, August 22, 2005

woozy and wombly, and going to bed

the dog and i talked business (gaming, very serious) for a while, then i walked to SB's. had a shower, and we fell asleep discussing the reasons why we're not going to be seeing each other any more. and man, do they ever suck. what-fucking-ever. i can't be bothered to try any more, but it doesn't make things any easier.

at least i had what i had, no regrets. i feel better as a person, at any rate, and that's a lot.

being on base out of uniform was really weird, but pleasant. much cooler than uniform. we spent the day working really hard. lunch break: severe disappointment. good food, but we went to a place specifically because they have damn good humus, and they were all out. that totally threw us off.

i came almost straight home (stopping by the mall for a few minutes to browse and get some ice-cream... okay, and stare down policewomen), feeling like the rock in walking tall (something about being in civvies and carrying a fighter's kitbag).

played some tekken, did laundry, and arbed online. showered and watched romeo must die, which was a fun movie. now going to bed.

noticeably, no mention of working. not even a little. and the whole thing about me being on holiday? postponed until wednesday. maybe tomorrow if i'm lucky. i need some time to focus, and get my head together. and i need to finish this damn job, 'cause i feel the paycheck getting further and further every day.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

a SUPERB weekend

starting wednesday...

it was hard being in uniform again. especially with an icky tattoo.

i got to the base, met some of her coursemates, which was amusing.

i had to take an hour or two off to go home and get my phone. that was embarrassing.

we worked a lot during the day, then went off to the lincoln for some pool. i went past the tattoo parlour, and finally got shown how to take care of mine. a bit late - i've already damaged the colouring, and i'll have to get it redone. and i received a nasty reprisal for my incompetence.

i went off to SB's, had a shower, coffee, and an upsetting conversation. she gave me a ride home, and i played a session of tekken. i seem to be too good for the computer, which is worrying.


we had loads of work to do, interrupted by a power outage which i took advantage of to go and buy wet-wipes. DAMN good investment, those. i crashed for a while, totally broken, and then ran around trying desperately to get short-notice vacation permission.

got my weapon, bought out the on-base store with the dog, ate the crap they provided in the mess hall (didn't die), and then the guarding weekend began. i started by taking charge of the new kids - which was hell of an amusing, and then went off with the dog to smoke nargila (rediculous amounts) while watching jackie brown. i'd forgotten it completely.

the dog continued a long string of clumsiness by tipping over the smoked water on our way to our shift. very embarrassing.

the first shift was actually painful,

friday, saturday

but after that the weekend became totally enjoyable. the group we guarded with was awesome, even the course girls (and some were totally cute and very flirtatious), and we spent the weekend fooling around and generally having fun. even the guard duty was a pleasure. and the commander was friendly and let us get away with murder.

i smoked too much. seriously. a carton in three days. that's fscked up.

today's guard duty went seriously slowly, but i passed the time talking to anything that moved. chilled the afternoon, then went off to be released. at 4pm. by 5pm we were finally out of there, after much argueing with the next shift's commander, and the guys responsible for security.

had a quick discussion with our commander, then ran off to the dog's to have a quick shower and fark off to the lincoln for the tournament. i won the first round 5-1, then lost the second 5-0. all good games, except the last one, where i RUINED a beautiful run by knocking the balls with my cue.


anyway, i'm off to the dog's in a bit, then to SB's.


SB was right about me not having a problem finding girls. problem is with me finding WOMEN, though.

SB has been saying how we're not going to be together, but the further along the weekend's progessed, the more she seems to want us to work. it's driving me insane. and she's leaving tomorrow for a month. i dunno what to do.

i seriously enjoy the solidery bits of being in the army, and have started to receive respect as someone who really should have been a fighter. but that doesn't change my job, and that's harsh for me. also, i need a damn holiday - i have way too much work to do this week.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

gettin' ready for the ahhh-meeee

once again, i'll have to get in uniform in the morning. and with my tattoo not yet healed, i am SO not looking forward to it.

i watched a bit of funny people while working today (which i actually got a lot of in, for a change), and then SB came over and we watched national treasure. cool movie, and it was a rented DVD that ran first time!


harsh was having this gorgeous girl, who i've now fallen for in every way, on my bed with me, talking about how neither of us want to stop seeing each other.

i can't figure out if god hates me, or loves me, or just isn't paying attention. maybe she's right. maybe i will find another suitable girl, who'll be suitable enough to be with me for a prolonged period of time.

but when? a year from now? two years? i think i may weep openly.
at least light up another cigarette.

quick net routine, a shower, and bed.

(godsmack) i - stand alone

up early, around 6.45, back home, watched we were soldiers again, then went for a meeting about the hospital project.

actually got somewhere. t'was nice. funny side note: the woman i'm working with informed me that she's pregnant (and i know she has a kid), and my automatic reaction was "another one?!"
most amusing.

went home, did a little definitions work, then went to the lincoln, and met up with my soldiers for some pool. we then went to eat at zinc (i had the buffalo wings again, REALLY good), and then made our way home. arguing about small money, because the dog was trying to complicate things. it doesn't cease to amaze me... until he started arguing about it, i didn't care that i'd paid more than my share - now he's irritated me enough with it that i will make him pay me back.

i got home, worked a little, messed around a LOT. including too much tekken for my own good. and i'm sure that playing against the computer, even at hard level, isn't doing anything for me.

kind of working at the moment (obviously), and i don't know what the evening will bring.

as for SB, too many similarities between her and my first girlfriend here (lake)'s attitudes are bothering me. lake and i stopped seeing each other because i wasn't serious enough for her, and then proceeded to date a complete bastard, who not only didn't do anything positive for her, but in the end did some serious emotional damage. i can't handle seeing that again.

and it's not like she doesn't want to be with me. i just don't get it.


oh, and my tattoo's gone all bright and shiny. i'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. i discovered today that my commander fucked me more than i realized, because i'm guarding this weekend. thank the lord i organized to guard with the dog, or i wouldn't have ANYONE to help me out tattoo-wise.

and DAMMIT, i can't work this weekend. BUGGER.

eenteresting day, not all good, not all bad

i woke up late this morning - i've been sleeping a lot lately. i've obviously needed it.

i spent the day farting around, doing a bit of work, playing tekken, and worrying over my back. i did some shopping too, and paid the electricity bill. which involved a horrifying queue experience, and it was apparently the hottest day this year. which i can believe.

i also played counterstrike with sammy, which was most entertaining. it's the first time i've known someone on my team :P

around 5pm or so yogi came over, and we had a long discussion about vr technology and his statistics program which we did for his project last year. we came up with a good design, now we have about half a year in which to develop it to the point where it can be tested in realtime. looks promising, hopefully there'll be lots of cash to be made.

he gave me a ride into tel aviv proper, and i walked to SB's place. we had a serious talk, and have reluctantly decided to call it quits. which sucks badly, but wasn't unanticipated. and it's for purely rational reasons, which makes it worse - we both still want to be together.

why? why does this happen to me? how am i going to find another someone like her? when? i feel really lost sometimes... and then god gives me a taste of something sweet, and takes it away again.
okay, i'm exaggerating a little, but it kills me that i can find another girl without any problem, just not the girl i'm looking for. and i anticipate disappointment, which kind of kills everything i start.

and i have no way of hanging in the right circles.

why?!?!?! WHY?????

SB made me supper, and then the dog and i went to see charlie and the chocolate factory. not a perfect movie, but perfectly delightful! i *DID* enjoy it.

i'm crashing at the dog's, now about to shower, clean and go to sleep. tomorrow will be a slightly more serious day.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

long hard road, out of hell

i'm still freaked out about the damage i've done to my tat, but there's not a hell of a lot i can do about it. i've learned an important lesson though.

the dog and i went to play some pool, and i pwned him completely and utterly. i then bussed back home, and had a shower, and cleaned again (although as i said, damage done), and am now just doing some basic online "regulars" before working a bit.

i'm still in shock over my realization today. absolutely mind-blown that i've been tricking myself all this time. as far as SB is concerned, i don't know what'll happen, but i hope that my regained mental acuity will be enough to keep us going. if not, though, at least i'll be ready for the next relationship. this girl has done me nothing but good.

right, thumb-out-of-bum time.

sheer frustration

fscking PRAYING, i'm sure i just damaged it. really sure now, some of the scabbing came off, and there're spots of blood.


i'm SO irritated now. and SO worried about how it'll come out eventually. i'm pleading with god that it won't be so damaged that a touch-up will be impossible.

*cry* *whimper* *sob*

last night i went out to eat something, and discovered after a mile walk that EVERYTHING was closed. i'd forgotten it's a day of national mourning, and was desperately hungry.

i then tried to take a bus to SB's, but they just weren't coming... same reason. i luckily managed to call a cabbie who was on his way home - i came very close to having to walk an hour or two when it was already late enough at night that i'd disturb here... and she wasn't feeling well, which was the primary reason for going there.

details of the night being irrelevant (and very boring), we woke up very late this morning, and spent the remainder and early afternoon chilling and talking. a lot. we were discussing the future, and kids, and all sorts of related things, and it got me thinking later on in the day (when i had a chance).

i walked to the tattoo parlour, where the guy reassured me that my tattoo was behaving normally. i then went to the dog's place, and had nothing to do but think for two hours until he arrived. and i arrived at some conclusions.

1) i am, mentally and emotionally, ready and willing to settle down and raise kids.

2) my reasons up until now for not being ready are a load of crap.

2 is the problem. i came up with this "game plan" five years ago, of getting a degree, doing my army service, and then going abroad for a year or two to get experience with something i can bring back. because of this, i haven't really been thinking much of my future plans (how i'll achieve this dream of being involved in getting us off the planet) during the first phases (i'm now in army phase).

and there is absolutely no justification for that. there's no reason why i can't now be on my way to doing something purposeful. and there's no reason i need to go anywhere else to do it. it's all just avoidance.

now that i've realized this, i need to find my way again, but more directly this time. i'm not worried about money, because i already have what i need to find some (relatively) boring job and survive. what i am worried about is how i'm going to get involved, and get started on something big and meaningful.

as for what this means between me and SB, i can't say. i'd really love to continue with her, but i'm not sure it'll work out. i think i think that because of her attitude more than mine, because i haven't been with someone this right for me EVER.

in every sense.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

quiet day inside

that's my tattoo pre-icky phase. it's looks so gross, and i PRAYING that it's not getting ruined *sob*

i slept the whole morning away, around 2pm SB came over, and we chilled and talked for a few hours before she left for some housewarming or something. she said some things about me that really caught my attention, and have gotten me thinking about how i've been behaving the last few years. and she's right. i've had way less confidence than i should have.

i've done some work, and just started talking to some friends online. i went off to buy smokes without a shirt, and some guy there was horrified when he saw the state my tat is in - i don't think he'll be getting one done soon...

panic!!! no wait... no, no - PANIC!!!

okay, work last night was sucky. the tattoo healing is uncomfortable to sit with, and contributed to an unpleasant fight with the manager on duty. bastard started bringing up things from years ago when he crapped me out, so that kinda pissed me off.

afterwards sammy and i went off to play pool at the lincoln. the waitress i'd hit on a week or two ago was most amused when she saw my tat, and i was most impressed at how well i played in spite of constant paranoia about people standing behind me, and constantly having to readjust my shirt.

he gave me a ride home afterwards, and we played tekken for an hour or so - t'was fun! SB wasn't up for doing anything, so i crashed after sammy left and slept like a bomb. i got up around 11am, got the right cream, worked on my tat and then went off to SB's. getting horribly lost on the way.
and having ink solidify and my shirt stuck to my back - scary. and uncomfortable.
her sister-in-law picked us up, and dropped me off at her parents' place. smelling of dog - SB's dogs got to go too... and they really like me...

i helped out a bit with the preparations, then crashed. i haven't slept that well in SOOOOOOO long, i dreamed amazing dreams and was super comfortable. dinner was really nice, quite fun, and the food was incredible.

i've been back at home about an hour, now going to bed to prepare for tomorrow. much work to do.

i am SO chuffed with my tattoo - i really hope i'm taking care of it well enough, because it seems fine, in fact better than described...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

positive shock, and LOTS of it!

there are gaps in this blog - hopefully i'll get a chance to fill in bits and pieces.


monday was alright. after the previous days, i'm finally getting some respect and appreciation from my commanding officers - and also interesting work. we worked quite hard the whole day, and i did quite a bit of shmoozing too.

monday night SB picked me up, and we went to her place. a whole bunch of her friends came over to celebrate her birthday, and they're really fun people. the evening was most enjoyable, but i was exhausted so i went to bed early. around 2am. and i just couldn't sleep - my back gave me the weirdest problems.


SB gave me a ride to the base, which was fun. i spent the day woozing from place to place and job to job - i was completely broken, and totally sleep deprived. fortunately, most of my work was "commanding", so i organized a make-shift bed and mumbled orders with my eyes closed. at least my kid was understanding, and he actually performed supremely well - we got most of what we intended done, and done well.

on the way home i ran into a girl from our base's armoury. it was SB's birthday, and she agreed to help me pick out a gift. i ended up with something small and gorgeous, and not too expensive. i didn't want to exaggerate.

SB was supposed to be going out to dinner with a friend, but the friend cancelled so she picked me up and we went to her place.
late-night munchies saw me getting a burrito - not as impressive as the first one. but whatever.


woke up at SB's, lazed the morning, and spent the early afternoon chatting over coffee, reading, and listening to good music with her two dogs. they're growing on me.


made my way home, showered, got into uniform, and was talking to the mongoose on the phone as i watched the bus-driver of my bus look me in the eye, then carry on. i screamed at the mongoose, in hebrew, over the phone, for about 5 minutes, and then the conversation carried on. i was amused. it's an israeli thing.

i got to the base just in time, and got to the "war room" to see high-ranking officers in a real environment. it was VERY interesting. our jobs were explained to us, and we did a bit of nothing for a while. at around 1.30am i was told i could crash.


i woke up at 8.10 this morning - very grateful for that because i'd turned off my phone with it's alarm. jumped out of bed, rolled up my sleeping bag, and left the "war room" and returned to my section. spent an hour or so on base, talking to people, sorting things out, drinking coffee, and then finally leaving. went past the bank, deposited my salary. went home, had a shower, listened to bob marley, and then took a bus to the middle of tel aviv, where SB picked me up and we went for lunch (i was too excited to eat. still am.).


i just got back now from getting my tattoo done - it came out SPLENDIDLY. two hours of pure pain, though: i've been told i have seriously thin skin, and it was done on my spine and directly over my slipped disc. fortunately, both SB and the mongoose were there, and the time was definitely enjoyable.

and the end result (last time i saw it, it's covered now) is AWESOME. a pity that it burns still (and apparently will for weeks), that i couldn't get cream in time, and that my head is fucked up from the shock. and i have to work.

and pee. i'm going to pee now.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

a weekend and a half to remember!

i woke up late yesterday, and spent the day doing anything but work. like i'm doing now. talked a lot on irc: feels good to be back in touch with everyone.

SB (the girl from the club on friday night - SuperBabe) sms'ed me, and a bit later we went of to watch crash - seriously powerful film. well done. we also talked a HELL of a lot. she took me to a crazy bar / restaurant in the middle of tel aviv, and i definitely appreciated the atmosphere and style.

things took a way more interesting turn than expected, and she ended up leaving my place around 4am... so two hours of sleep, and then up at 6.30 (exhausted, no shit) to go to the induction base.

i got a bit lost, but my commander found me, and we began a two hour walk and talk where i actually had to be alert and concentrate so i could understand the wickedly fast hebrew. i then went off to the section we support, and worked a bit from there before returning to my base.

i went past the head of our wing, and had an interesting discussion with him concerning last week's events. i then headed back to my section for a crazy fight with my commander - after which it was fully his right to send me to prison for a week or two, considering the way i spoke to him and the things i said. i was out of line, but so was he, and rank and hierarchy definitely count in the army.

so that was my flirting with danger. came out of it alright though - i finished the report, sent it to him, and then went back for round two. went much better, and our team leader walked in in the middle. considering that i'd pinned half the blame on him, our commander made him read it, and once he was done he simply said "hmmph, doesn't interest me." he shook my hand, and left. good fun, that was.

the commander then followed my advice and sent a major letter to all the section heads and people involved to show appreciation and recommend their behaviour and skill.

nice one. he even credited me in the email. so i'm rather pleased.

spent a few hours doing some serious work - i'm finally getting managerial stuff instead of grud-work, so things are much improved, and then i went with the dog to have lunch, then crashed in my office for an hour. i was woken up after we were due to leave, to be shown a program my other soldier had written that does terrible things to your vision.

not kind.

then went off to a coffee shop on the way to herzeliya (with the dog and SB, was really nice), and by the time i'd left it was no longer a good time to go to work, so i came home. SB's just joined me, and she's watching human traffic while i do some work.

i can't believe i survived today. and i'm still okay!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

so fresh and so clean - clean

chuffed. no better word for me right now, nuh uh.

yesterday: i DID get around to cleaning. and burning my first DVD. let the backups begin!

i spent the evening online, catching up (as usual), and generally listening to good music. i spoke to hyperviper, for the first time in ages, and it turns out he was djing at the same time on a south african radio station, with an internet feed. so i logged in.

and heard him shout out a message to me :) can't say's i'm not impressed. i'm VERY impressed. and touched. and forced into a spot of homesickness. incorporated into that was some serious nostalgia, so i went out in search of a party.

the mongoose was working the door, so i hung around with him and we talked a hell of a lot. it was a party for media celebreties, so lots of snobby people in and out.
around 2am or so, we went inside, and sat down upstairs. we started talking to a really good looking girl, and the mongoose disappeared for a bit. i got her number, and an invite to a party on thursday - turns out she's some tv presenter. apparently i'm one of very few people in the country who don't recognize her.

sweet. so i'm looking forward to that.

we then moved on to the rock club, which was AWESOME. way better than the last few parties, and i really let go and enjoyed myself. especially when they played guano apes - lord of the boards: never heard THAT in a club before, and it ROCKED. i wasted myself - hyperviper, those drinks were for you!

we took a taxi to azrieli, and i walked back from there. i just got home, it's 6am, the sun is rising, and i'm waiting for hot water so i can shower before crashing. i KNOW i'm going to sleep well.

Friday, August 05, 2005

a place for my head

my favourite song (linkin park) in this period of my life.

work last night was frustrating. i kept getting calls at the most inopportune times, and one of the guys who called was a bit slow and aggressive, and it took me a while to calm down from that one.

i took a pleasurable walk home, and fell asleep watching blade runner.

woke up around 1pm, played some tekken and counterstrike, and am now arbing instead of cleaning. hmmm.

i don't feel like doing a damn thing.

flat spin

i woke up at 6.30am, and was absolutely certain that i was conscious and lying in bed for less than a minute after turning off the alarm. but i was wrong. so wrong.

8am i realized my error, and had a frightening jump-start to my day. including a freezing shower which did little more than handicap my movements.

i got to the base an hour later than i should have, but fortunately the fixes from the previous night took effect, and there were a grand total of 10 errors, none of them critical.


we spent the day filing the report on the previous night (almost complete), modifying some bits and pieces of code here and there, and generally trying to be more clever than we were able considering our sleep deprivation.

i tried to sleep a couple of hours, but i just couldn't get comfortable. when i got home, i crashed beautifully. waking up hurt. at least i finally got some laundry done, but my apartment's dusty as hell. maybe i'll clean tomorrow.

i watched a few minutes of human traffic - mainly because i can. i can have things displayed on this "television" thing while i'm doing other things and getting dressed. it's fantastic technology. anyway, i got to thinking about my party days, and it fascinates me that i'm too busy to really escape. the only escape i'm interested in lately is in sleeping enough to be functional.

got to work the wrong way, meaning i unconciously chose the wrong bus. dammit. we're almost ready to begin, i'm exhausted. and that's all i have to say about that.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

CRAZY fscking day

last night i got quite a bit of work done, and eventually crashed around 12-1am.

woke up well, for a change, and got to the base. the morning was chilled, the afternoon wasn't. :/

my commander gave me a half hour lecture because we've had a problem (non-critical) in our systems for a while now, and we haven't managed to solve it. so i was politely informed that my vacation has been cancelled, and i couldn't leave the base until the problem was solved.
okay, so he wasn't so polite about it. he was a right fugging prick.

considering the effort we've already put into it, it looked as though i'd be stuck on the base the whole bloody weekend.

i called the dog to come and help me - he was already on his way up north for his vac. that felt really shitty. i then started a really motivated attack on the problem, which involved some manoeuvering around the base. ended up in some office on the far side, eventually accumulating five people from five different sections to stay late and deal with this shit that pretty much had nothing to do with them (except that, it turned out much later, one of these nice guys was the original cause). we worked long and hard, everyone feeling my pressure, doing rediculously silly things on a live production server that needs to be PERFECT for tomorrow (the throughput tomorrow, specifically, is incredibly high and VERY critical). that last detail we only found out in the early evening.

so no breaks, and a lot of team effort, but by 11.40 we were OUT of there! everyone was most pleased. funny thing - in order to perform the final test to know we'd succeeded, we had to get a picture of one of the guys in the mongoose's section. none of us have EVER been so pleased to see his face - we were seriously celebrating. on our way out, we ran into him while he was guarding, and each gave him a huge hug. he was quite confused. he'll be helping us translate the report we'll be filing tomorrow ^_^

unfortunately, because tomorrow's such a heavy day, i've had to cancel my inkjob, and putting it off even for a week sucks ASS. and this is after i cancelled an appointment with a physiotherapist (which took long fscking enough to organize) because i would have needed time to recuperate.


the dog and i went to this awesome restaurant, zinc, again, and met up with his sister there. i'd forgotten how good (and cheap) the food is, the calamari i ordered was actually melting in my mouth. and everything tasted SOOOO good. and the music was funky as hell.

afterwards we played an hour or so of pool, which was quite fun, and i just got a cab home. i'm not doing ANY work or emailing tonight, 'cause i gotta be up in less than three hours to go back to the base...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

w00tness to the EXTREME!!

my tv and dvd player have just arrived, and they are squeaky clean and funky cool - and everything's workin' perfectly. i am SO excited. and SO nervous about anything going wrong.

last night my mom and i started plans for potentially going to new york and maybe even washington for a week or so - very cool. we also had an argument about my tattoo - and i'm doing a personal double check on the idea. scares me, but what the hell. i think this whole thing goes back to my base need to influence my reality.

today was slightly better than yesterday. it included me being given the honour of pinning on the dog's new rank, and doing some interesting work. minor, but something more than usual.

the dog came back to wait with me for my stuff to arrive, so we watched high fidelity. cool film. the guys brought everything, we set it up, and watched the intro to the fifth element. goooooood quality. and we played some tekken. with all the characters unlocked (we found my memory cards!).

so i'm really chuffed. i have some rather icky work to do now, finally getting around to it.

Monday, August 01, 2005

where to start? at the beginning, rufus!

my brain aches... dull, throbbing, low-intensity reminders that i'm not doing to well...

as said in fight club, babies don't sleep this good (well?). this morning, i must have woken up about 10 times between 6.30 and 8am. i had a slow start, with breakfast cereal and coffee, then got to the base about an hour late.

nobody noticed, except the dog - who i'd given explicit instructions to to make it on time. i can be a real bastard sometimes.

we did sweet bugger-all today. really. i'm horrified.

i noticed today that i'm rather down in general, and it's not easy to get out of something like this. i don't have a clue what i'm going to do about it. i'm totally unmotivated, totally lacking any care about anything. all i want to do is watch movies, read and sleep. and sod everything else.

i've been putting it off for a while - i went to buy (with my army allowance) a television and dvd player (divx, copies too). nifty stuff. the dog came with me, and i went with him as he visited a family friend.

we took a bus to his place, where his grandmother stuffed us with good food and we played tekken. seeing as my tv's arriving tomorrow, i brought my playstation back with me, along with some heavy books.

by the time i got home, loaded down, drenched in sweat (and having RUN to catch the bus), the last thing i needed was murphy's law in my face. somebody in our apartment put up a sign today (while i was out, obviously) saying that they're selling a tv for next-to-nothing.

had a cool shower, and am now talking to my mum. g'nite.

interesting... to me, at least

shaved my head today - and found out that it's illegal for me to do so (minimum length: 2mm). i'm not sure i care, and i LOVE the look and feel.

arbed most of the day. visited people, slept, read, and for a few moments, even worked a little.
but not too much.

the dog came shopping with me, we played tekken at his place, ate supper, and went to play pool. and discovered that if we'd used only one of our cards each time, we'd have gold cards already.
damn, but that does suck.

played some good pool, yogi joined us and played some more. then two girls playing next to us joined our table, and we played some more together. t'was fun.

i finally got the courage together to ask this one waitress out, and she has a boyfriend. it bothers me, but what can i do? at least it wasn't all awkward afterward, but i am sorry she's not for me :(

yogi just dropped me off at home - we're having serious thoughts about started a small company together. i'm hoping my mom's going to call soon, then i'm going to take a shower and go to bed.

i also, with a little help, came up with a solution to yesterday's work problem. i'll implement that eventually.

life's alright, at that.